When I Don't Use Boundaries
Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.
Transcript
I am wrapping up this little miniseries on boundaries. It's not the last time I'll talk about boundaries, but I think for now I'm going to move on to other topics which I'm excited about. But I wanted to wrap up this little miniseries by talking about when I wouldn't use a boundary if something was happening in my relationships that didn't feel okay to me. Because boundary, as I mentioned in the part two episode with Jules Shore, are not always the way that I like to solve problems, and they're not even the first way that I try to solve problems. Now, before I dive into these, I just wanna say, this is how I do it. This is not like research backs aren't typically proven the best way to do it. It's just what I figured out for myself. And I think different people are gonna wanna do it differently.
Some people might actually have the hierarchy go in reverse order for them than the way that I go, but I do have a hierarchy of how I prefer to solve problems. And it goes like this. The top tier, my first choice is to co-create. So what do I mean by co-create? I mean that my top way that I like to solve problems is to come into a conversation with the problem without a solution, but just with the problem. And then I wanna be able to share what's going on for me, have the other person share what's going on for them, and for us to come together and figure out a solution that we both are happy with.
Now, that way, it, it really is my top way, but not only is it not always possible because the person that I'm speaking to just isn't up for that kind of thing, but it doesn't always make sense for that to be how we address a problem, because sometimes it's just not that complicated or we just don't have time and we need to move quickly. Or the other person really just doesn't care very much about it. And in which case they're just okay with having a request. Or maybe one person has more time to co-create and the other person really doesn't have the time to really think about what they want or what's important to them or discuss it or hash it out. And what they really want is just to say yes or no to something. So, but it is co-creation really is my favorite way, .
I really like to put what's happening with me on the table alongside what's happening for you and to work through a very collaborative solution. So what would that look like in practice? Let's say one of my partners keeps coming home late when they are out and it's making me feel stressed out and concerned about them. And so that's my problem that I'm having, but I don't really know everything about what's going on for my partner and why they're showing up late. And so what I wanna have is a collaborative conversation about it first. Like I wanna say, Hey, this is what's going on for me. Hey, what's going on for you? How can we move forward and have maybe a strategy for how like my feelings about you running late can be addressed while also you know, what your needs around flexibility around time might be.
The benefit of co-creation is that whatever thing happens next, whatever solution there is, both of you sort of have skin in the game on it. And also, usually what I might do is like a direct request, which is the thing I'll get to in a minute might not be as good a solution because I'm missing half of the equation of what's going on. And so it can be really helpful to have that co-creation conversation without having like a request on the table that you need to negotiate. But instead it's, it's just like, I have this problem, you have this problem. What are our problems? How can we work with what we have? So that's my first and most favorite way. That being said that way is also a time consuming way to address problems. It's also resource intensive and it's also more intimate because you're in a place of vulnerability.
You aren't showing up just asking for a yes or a no or proposing a solution. Instead you're showing up going, I have a problem and I wanna be in the messy middle with you. And not everybody's gonna be up for that. I wanna say like intimacy honestly. So there are all kinds of reasons why you might not go for co-creation. So then the next level down would be direct request. Direct request sounds like just what it sounds like. I am making a direct request. So what happens here is I have thought about the problem and I have thought about a possible solution that would work for me. Maybe it's something that I know has worked for me in the past. Maybe it's even a request I generally have of people that I'm close to. Either way, the request is an ask of someone else to do something differently than what they're doing.
An example, in the case of my partner always being late, my request might be something like, Hey, would you please be on time? Now if that feels like maybe just an impossible request. 'cause Obviously if they were gonna be on time, they might already be being on time 'cause they know it's important to me. But, so what I might ask instead is, Hey, if you're running late, send me a text just so that I know that you're on your way so that I don't wonder where you are or feel like you're not thinking of me and how I'm waiting on you. And then the person can say yes or no to that request. Here's some important things about requests. If they're a request, they need to be something that the person can say no to. If this request is non-negotiable. And the only acceptable answer is yes, it's not a request, it's a demand.
And a lot of adults really don't respond well to demands, probably because it comes across as entitled maybe even as controlling. But it's important to note that when you are making a demand, you are not really in the sweet spot when it comes to creating consent with your partner. Another thing that's is important with a direct request is to make sure that it's realistic, that it's something that the person can actually do. I mean, not that it, it's actually not on you, but the person who's saying yes or no to really know that if that request is realistic to do. But it's also on you to like, make sure you're looking at your own intention and really thinking carefully about what you're hoping to achieve by making this request. And then again, also make sure you check with yourself and make sure that no is an acceptable answer and that negotiation is possible.
I think that's really important because I don't think a request is a request if you aren't open to any pushback, if you aren't open to any flexing. I just, I just don't think it's, it's really a request. Again, it doesn't mean you have to agree to flex it, it might mean that the somebody offers you a compromise on your request and it's not what you want. And so it's a, a compromise isn't gonna be good enough and it is okay to say, like to counter and say no. But if it's like unacceptable to push back and make a counter offer, that's where you're probably in some controlling territory. I also just wanna acknowledge, of course, making requests is a little vulnerable and uncomfortable. Maybe not as vulnerable and messy as the like co-creation strategy, but there is vulnerability and having to formulate what you really want and then put it out to someone that presumably cares about you and give them the opportunity to say yes or no and then deal with what the feelings might be that come up for you.
If the answer is a no or if it's a yes, like getting a yes can sometimes be as as uncomfortable or more uncomfortable and than as getting a no in a request. Particularly if you're someone who feels really vulnerable, receiving things, who feels like they have to earn their sense of worthiness and worthiness of love, et cetera. Or if you were ever been in a situation where you received something from someone and then it ended up costing you a lot or felt ultimately not very safe receiving can be hard too. I do find that request is probably one of the most common ways that I get what I need. I don't always get my request agreed to, but I do have, get the opportunity to think about what I really need and reflect on that and then have a really good clarifying conversation, hopefully with the person I'm making the request of.
And requests are really useful and easy if it's like a clear, easy yes or no question if it's really important to one of you, but it's not really important to the other one. And so the other one isn't is just not gonna probably do all that self-reflection part to figure out what they want. And so it, it's kind of on you to then figure out what you want and then make the request. But again, requests can also be collaborative in that you can make a request. The person has to then sit with whether they're a yes or a no. And then if they're a no, then they might be a no. But how about this? And like sort of making a counter offer so then you can kind of veer into like co-creation. But you know, the difference between a request and co-creation is that you've spent some time thinking about the solution and you really are kind of solutions focused rather than in the mess of like being in the problem together.
Okay, last one. Boundaries. , when do I prefer to use boundaries? So pretty much universally, I'm gonna try either a direct request or co-creation, sometimes both with someone before I'm gonna go to boundaries. And again, that's because for me, I value collaboration and connection really, really highly. I don't like acting unilaterally and boundaries are unilateral. A boundary is about your behavior exclusively and boundaries are about a clear line between what is and is not okay for you. So if co-creation and or direct requests just have not worked, so the other person is unable to participate in helping me make the change that I would like to see happen, then I'm gonna move to boundaries. And if you haven't listened to last week's episode, six steps to Setting Boundaries with Juliane Taylor Shore, just pause here and just go listen to that episode. 'cause It goes over the six steps of how to set a boundary, how to decide why you would set it, what action you would take to assert it thinking about how the other person's gonna respond when you share this with them, how you are going to feel about their response, and then making a care plan for yourself.
And then restating the boundary, imagining some pushback. Now I wanna be clear, I have used boundaries with every single person in my life, but where I decide to set a boundary is where I know for sure I can't count on the other person to do what I need. So using our example of the partner who comes home late, let's say we sat down and we tried to co-create a plan together and that didn't work. He still kept showing up late and then I made a direct request of him, Hey, can you text me when you're gonna be late? So that I don't worry. Or let me know to go to bed if you're gonna be late so that I don't wait up for you. And even that has not been working. There have been multiple nights where I have stayed up waiting for him and he hasn't texted me, and I just get angrier and angrier and I'm tired of it.
Then where you might move is to boundaries where you might think to yourself, okay, my partner, I clearly just can't count on them to do what I need them to do in order for me to be okay. So then how do I make sure that I feel okay so that I don't keep experiencing this? So to start going through Jules's six steps, step one would be why, why would I set a boundary to protect myself from this experience? So just getting really clear, you know, I don't wanna be pissed off at my partner. I don't wanna be in the situation where I'm worrying about them. I wanna make sure that my time is valued and that I'm using it effectively and sitting around waiting feels really terrible. So you think like the, is that a big enough? Why? Yeah, like me feeling happy with how I'm spending my time and also me not being off and resentful towards my partner are like really big reasons to have this boundary.
Then the second step is gonna be what is the action that I'm going to take to protect myself from the experience that I don't wanna have? And this one is where it gets tricky because we've tried requests, we've tried asking for, for the other person to do something differently. And so now it's on us. What can we do that's fully in our control to protect ourselves from this experience? I mean, one thing you could do is you could say, you know, if you're more than five minutes past the time you said you'd, you were gonna come home. I'm either going to go to bed or I'm going to get engaged in something else, or I'm gonna leave. But I'm just gonna like move on with my day and not wait for you. Wait. And we, we may not get a chance to reconnect when you get home, but maybe that's not even a good enough boundary because that's sort of a reaction that you're going to have to the thing happening that you don't wanna have happen.
So what is it that might protect you from that? So just as an example, you might say when you're going out on dates, I'm just gonna make sure I'm not home so that I don't know what time you got home or when you go out on dates, I'm gonna have, you know, plans, I'm gonna have people over while you're gone. Or I'm gonna have a set bedtime that I'm going to adhere to every night no matter what, and I'm gonna follow a bedtime routine to make sure that that happens. You get the idea. This would be more, here's how I'm gonna take care of myself so that this thing that you cannot stop me from experiencing, I can still figure out how to stop me from experiencing it. And I just wanna say like, sometimes I will communicate a boundary, like let the person know what I'm going to do.
And sometimes I don't, sometimes I don't communicate the boundary because it's really not necessary. And sometimes if I communicate a boundary, somebody is gonna think that there's a request in there . And so they might be taking charge of managing it when I don't want them to 'cause So, 'cause that is sometimes the thing, like sometimes what you really want is you really don't wanna be in that collaboration or that negotiation. You don't wanna be in a position of imposing on someone. And there are all kinds of reasons why you might not wanna do that, why it just feels better to make a unilateral decision. Maybe you've had a rough go of trying to collaborate with this person. Maybe, maybe you don't trust them to like agree to a request and then actually follow through. Or maybe as I mentioned earlier, you've tried direct request, you've tried collaboration, and neither of those have worked.
And so the only thing you have left is either like tolerating and putting up with the thing, which may be what you end up doing. Maybe that's the right thing or setting a boundary and creating protection for yourself. And again, there's a whole lot more I have to say about boundaries both that I've said in previous episodes and also in future episodes. I'm gonna talk more about like protected boundary and containing boundary, et cetera. But either way, when you are creating the thing that you're going to do, it's really important to look at your intention, look at your why, because as I said in a previous episode, it can be really easy sometimes for a boundary to become something that's more like an attempt at control. And it can be very easy to use the language of boundaries when what you're really doing is trying to change someone else's feelings, thoughts, or behavior without creating an agreement around it.
But I will just add that oftentimes even when you are setting a boundary that is purely to protect yourself and is wholly within your control, it's not a request in disguise kind of thing that can sometimes feel hard or mean or you know, rigid or what have you. And as came up in the conversation with Jules and I, there is no boundary setting without disappointment. And that's because you're doing this alone. You're making this decision that negotiation request co-creation, they don't work. And so now you just have to take action to protect yourself. So there's gonna be a little bit, I think of sadness, of disappointment, a little micro grief that can happen for you in those moments where you're setting a boundary. It doesn't always feel good. So anyway, there you have it. That's my hierarchy. So again, I go from co-creation to request and then to boundaries.
If neither of those work those are an order of preference, although sometimes it makes more sense to make a request or more sense to make a boundary or more sense to do a co-creation. Depending on the circumstance and depending on the person, you know, like I'm much more likely to set boundaries that I don't even say out loud with people that I don't know or that I don't know very well. Whereas if it's somebody that I have a closer relationship with, yeah, I'm usually gonna try to do the co-creation thing. If you wanna hear more about boundaries, you can go back to the previous episodes of this show that have come out maybe in the past few weeks. There, there are a bunch of them about boundaries, including two great interviews with Juliane Taylor Shore. What I hope you take away from today is that while I love love, love, love, love, love love, love love, love, love, love boundaries, and I think they're wonderful and I think the more we can master them, the happier we can be in our relationships. Boundaries are not the only thing you need to do in order to address difficult things. Requests and co-creation, negotiation pushback, being in that dance together, they're all really good strategies to address things. When something isn't feeling good, it's so important to be able to advocate for what you need in your relationships. And so I hope these tools will help you do that in the future.
