Stress in Relationships
Lots of tips in this episode! Libby talks about techniques to manage stress and why it's so important for you and your relationships.
Transcript
So I'm recording this episode just ahead of the 2020 elections. And if you're in the US, you are very aware that this is an unprecedented situation that we're in. And one of the things that's going on is a lot of us just don't even know what is gonna happen or how long it's gonna be before we know who's president. And also what's gonna happen when we do know. So you, like me, might be a little bit stressed for me, the way my stress can sometimes come out is through overwhelm and exhaustion and just tending to just wanting to withdraw and shut down, or it also can come out as irritability and getting snappish. And that definitely happened to me yesterday in the morning I got up in the morning and just, you know, the first thing was my kids bugging me about Halloween candy and when could we have more Halloween candy?
And when can I have this? And when can I have that? And when, when, and I was just like, oh my God. And I didn't like, luckily I didn't snap or yell, but I was, I was in that place in my body where I was just tense and grumpy and irritable. And I'm sure it came across in my tone of voice and in my body language. And it feels bad to be around someone who is in that state. And maybe this is you, maybe you are more stressed and more tense than usual. And what I'm here to tell you is that when that is going on, that can impact your relationships. And the thing is your relationships are also potentially a source of stress as well, but they can also be a source of stress relief. So what I wanna offer you today in this episode is to talk about stress, what we can do about it and how we can turn to our partners in those moments of stress and receive care and stress relief and give stress relief. So that stress does not become this thing that is causing damage to us, to our bodies, to our relationships. But instead is something that we are managing, moving through and getting and receiving care around. So that's what we're gonna talk about today.
I wanna start out by talking about how do you know when your stressed, because I think sometimes it's, it can creep in on you and maybe you're managing it, you're managing it and then you're not, and suddenly you're in a stressed place. And that is when you're more likely to snap lash out, withdraw, get overwhelmed, start to have the effects of stress creep in on you. Whether it it's losing sleep, not eating well not interacting with people. Well all of the different things that stress can cope there's so much information out there about why stress is bad and how it harms you. It reduces our longevity. It reduces our heart rate variability. It can cause burnout. Again, it strains our relationships. If you allow it to run rampant in your body, then it causes chronic inflammation, heart disease. It's just, it's just a harmful thing on across the board.
Now we have stress for a reason. Stress is usually supposed to be an acute thing. It's not supposed to be a chronic thing. It's supposed to be something that we feel and that we move through and, and stress can be good. It can be good. Stress can be good in the sense that we get excited about something that we're looking forward to, or we're getting nervous, but we kind of then get over that. We get scared, but then we're not scared anymore. We get ready to tackle something difficult and then we tackle it and then we feel relieved on the other side of it. And, and that's, you know, that's because ultimately our stress response is our survival instinct. And usually that shows up as fight flight freeze, fix which is, you know, solve the problem. So, you know, either you're fighting the thing, you're running away from the thing you're freezing.
So the thing thinks you're dead and then they'll hopefully move past you. And then there's the I'm gonna fix the problem. And then I feel better, right? But you know, sometimes those strategies, as I've talked about in my episode on taming, your whoosh, those strategies are not strategies you can use, right? If you are stressed about your partner, fighting with them or fixing them or running away from them or freezing with them, isn't gonna work. It's actually a losing strategy because you're not actually needing to in survival mode with someone you love and being in survival mode in general, on a daily day in day out basis is extremely taxing because we actually can't use what our nervous system is telling us to do, because there's a mismatch between our, our survival nervous system mechanisms and what is actually gonna work for us in the moment that we need.
So that means you have to manage the stress differently than just fighting flight flighting, free, fleeing or fixing. So what do you do instead first, you need to notice that you are in fact stressed and it's very easy, especially if you're very good at, you know, white knuckling it or coping by shutting down certain emotions. It's very easy to not realize that you're stressed until you are close to snapping or breaking down. And that's not where I want you to be. So some signs that you might be stressed, you might feel tight in your body. You might feel a rigidity around in a physical way, but you also might find some rigidity around routines or around what needs to happen or around how someone needs to talk to you. Usually rigidity is a sign that you're in a stress state. You, if you are more harsh, more critical, more perfectionistic, that can be a sign that you're stressed.
If you tend to be more in a, in a black and white thinking kind of way, that can be a sign that you're stressed. Some physical sensations apart from just tightness can be dry mouth. You can notice your heart rate being up, but also your heart rate can be very slow when you're stressed and you can feel cold too. That's another, another thing that can be something that you're feeling you know, some other things, if you notice you're irritable, that's usually a sign that you're stressed. If you notice that you are feeling very sharp or again, more critical, more externally focused, then internally focused. Those can all be signs that you are stressed. And I, again, this is just like a short list. There's a whole bunch of other signs that you're stressed. And some of them are more accessible to certain people than others. So some people are more capable of perceiving stress in their bodies. Some more people are more capable of being able to perceive stress in their thought patterns. Some people are more able to perceive stress in their emotional life. So these are just some things to look out for.
So, and again, the sources of stress are many and a lot of them are outside of our control. You know, this election, a lot of it's out of our control. Similarly there are a lot of other things external to what's in the locus of our control that can create stress, job, money family stuff the pandemic, social situations, illness you know, the state of your own body, what your kids are doing what your spouse or partner, or best friend or other significant others are doing. You know, there, you know, something breaks in your house and it's not working, or maybe your, you have technology that you need to do your job. That's not working. I mean, there's just so many different sources of stress. And so the goal here is not to eliminate the sources of stress, even though, and if there are places where you can do that, where you can, you know, make adjustments to your environment, make adjustments to your relationships, make adjustments to your job, whatever it is that you, you know, that you can control.
Sure. Try to make those adjustments. But I don't want you to focus on that for this particular episode as I'm talking, cuz I don't think that, I think there's just so many times where there's nothing we can do. You know, there, there, a lot of stress is centered around things that we can't control. So you know, when you notice that you're stressed, one of the things you can do, and again, you might not know why at first either you might not know what the source is. So the first thing to do, I think that can be really useful is to tune into where you are tune into what's going on. And so for that, I really like doing an emotional mindfulness practice and I'm going to share in the show notes, a link to what I do for my emotional mindfulness practice and what I share with my clients.
But I'll go over it very briefly with you. So again, this is, this is just so let's say you're in the place where you're noticing, Hey, I'm a little tense, I'm a little tight, I'm a little snappy, I'm a little irritable. I don't really know why what's going on with me. Let me just take a minute to check in with myself. And so you can do this. This doesn't take very long, generally takes about maybe two to five minutes can take longer if you really wanna spend time with it, but it doesn't have to. It's something that I sometimes do when I go to the bathroom room because I'm alone in the bathroom. And you know, don't bring my phone in the bathroom with me. And so I just spend some time checking in if I'm feeling intense or another thing you can do is just, you know, go for a walk outside and do this.
When you go for a walk or just close the door to your room, wherever you can find a moment to just check in. So the first thing you're gonna wanna do is connect to your body. So close your eyes, take a deep breath, inflate your abdomen, feel the air going in and out of your body. And then you wanna tune to what's going on in your body, really scan and see what sensations are present. Where do you feel tight? Where do you feel like itchy or tense or twitchy or grippy or heavy or swirling and churning? Where, where do you feel sensation and what sensation do you feel? And just notice it. You don't have to fix it, just notice. And then if you want to, you can take a breath and breathe into these places that you're feeling it. And then wherever you can try to give those sensations a name.
So in, in this case, you're trying to identify what feelings might be present for you. And I recommend starting with primary feelings like angry, hurt, scared, sad, happy, excited, aroused. And then you can maybe go into some of the more nuanced ones, frustrated, resentful, grief, being powerless, overwhelmed, et cetera, but just see what's there and give those feelings a name where you can and you know, you might try on a feeling and it might not fit. And so then you might go to another, like I think maybe I'm feeling frustrated. Am I feeling frustrated? No, I'm feeling irritable. So that's next thing, after that, after you've named your feelings, see if you can give them an intensity level to figure out just how intense are things. Is it like on a scale of one to 10? Is it like a three or is it like an eight?
And you know, I would say a 10 is like, you might not be able to notice and identify your intense feelings at a 10, because usually at that point they've taken you over and you can't, you, you don't have access to your thinking brain in that moment, but you know, just notice the intensity, like how big is this for you? And,ucuz I think that helps. So then the next step is thoughts. So now I want you to give your feelings a voice and imagine they can talk and speak. What would they be saying right now? What is the story that they're telling? And just spend a moment listening and see what your feelings are saying to you. Because inevitably we, we do generally have sort of a running narrative going through our head. A lot of times we might not be present to it.
We might just be reacting to it. So see what you can notice and hear in your inner dialogue that those feelings are saying. And you know, they might not be saying anything other than I'm scared. I'm sad, I'm stressed. I'm hurt whatever it might be, but just, just tune in and notice and see what's there. And then if you want to, and this is only if you want to, do you have anything you wanna say back to your feelings and I don't want you to argue with your feelings. That's not what I want. So again, you wanna just notice and accept the feelings you wanna notice and accept the thoughts that are there. And all of this is just noticing and accepting and there's nothing more to do. But if there are things you wanna say as though you were holding space for someone else instead holding space for yourself.
So it might be, I see you. I see that feeling. I hear that story. Ah, I know that's there some other soothing things you could say, you know, wow, this is really hard right now. Wow. I feel like I'm about to cry and, and also maybe wow, can see how hard I'm working right now. And I feel really alone or Ugh. I really am mad at myself right now for how hard this is and how much I am feeling it instead of just sailing through it, you know, you might be inclined to beat up on yourself and it might just be good to notice that you like to say, Hey, I am seeing that you're beating up on yourself right now. Oh, that's that's that sucks. That hurts. Oof. And again, this is more about holding space and validating what you're feeling than trying to fix it.
And then the next thing you wanna do after you've done that. So after you've checked in with your body, named your feelings, checked in on the intensity, listen to the thoughts that are going through you and just holding space for them. The next thing you wanna do is see where in your body do you not feel intense sensation, but instead where you feel settled or strong for me, I often am able to sink into my breath, but it could also be your feet like that are holding you up or it might be your heart beating through beating in your chest, pumping the blood through your body. You might feel strengthened your spine or your abdominal muscles holding you up. You might feel strengthened your back and in your shoulders. That might also be where you feel tight, but you might strength there too. Because I think that when you're able to tune into a physical resource for yourself, that can help you cope, help you see, oh, in the midst of all this, I am also strong. I am also capable. There are parts of me that are working just fine. And throughout all of this resist the urge to act, fix or do anything because that is part of your stress response. And right now you're, you're trying to soothe stress, not fix stress, if that makes sense. So it's just worth, noticing and being with whatever's there.
And then from that place, once you've noticed, okay, I'm noticing I'm stressed. Now I'm tuning in. Now I'm seeing what's going on. Now you can decide from there, in what way you want to deal with your stress. So as I said before, maybe there's a way you can fix it. Maybe there are ways that you can make an adjustment, speak up for something that you need or something that you want, or you know, again, just sort of unilaterally make adjustments to your mindset, what you're doing, et cetera. But I also want you to think about other things to do when you can't do that when that's just not accessible to you. So the first thing that I wanna invite you to is that stress is a physiological experience. And so one of the things that can really help is to just process it out of your body.
Emily Nagoski writes it about this. And in both of her books that she has and there it's really fantastic work, she talks about how, again, the stress response is we believe we're being attacked by a lion. We either wanna run away from the lion or we wanna fight the lion or we wanna, you know, again, fixing or, you know, or freezing are also reasonable responses to a lion coming after you. And you know, so if we are in the process of that stage where we are in, you know, our body is either getting ready to fight or runaway or freeze or fix, you know, it can help to complete that stress cycle so that we've our body. We're fine. And there are a bunch of different ways to do this. One of the ways you can complete the stress cycle is just deep breathing.
You know, sometimes that's all it takes. I've said this before, when you take a deep breath from your abdomen, you're compressing the vagus nerve, which is the, the part of your nervous, that is calming. That is saying we're okay, this is, this is okay. We're safe right now. And it's true. If you were actually being chased by a lion, you would not be capable of taking a deep breath from your abdomen. And so you're, you know, you would not be able to calm yourself down and that would be a good thing because you need to run away from a lion when it's chasing you. But in the case of when you're not actually in danger, being, having the presence of mind in capacity to take a deep breath or several, or do something called box breathing where you, you know, breathe in for a certain number of counts, hold it for a certain number of counts, exhale for a certain number of counts and then hold the empty, your empty lungs for several counts.
And just kind of doing that over and over again, that can really help calm everything down and reenter things. Another thing you can do though, is if that's not working for you, if deep breathing just isn't cutting it, you can do something else. Physical. You can go for a run, you can drop to the floor and do 20 pushups. You can. One thing I like to do is sing a and again, this isn't accessible to everybody. I understand, but like I like to sing, like at the top of my voice, that actually helps me complete my stress cycle. You might want to meditate, just kind of go in inward and like like actively do a mental practice to release the tension and tell your body that the lion is gone or that you fought it off. And Emily Nagoski when she writes about using some kind of physical activity to complete the stress cycle, to really connect your physical actions with relieving stress.
So it's not just doing the physical action, but also you're telling your brain, Hey, this is me fighting the lion. This is me running away from the lion. This is me combating that terrible thing. This is me you know, telling my boss that I am an awesome employee and, you know, they shouldn't be so hard on me. Whatever it might be, you know, you are doing a physical thing, but it is also a mental practice combined. So those are some, some like solo things you can do to complete your stress cycle. And I'm sure that there, there are a whole lot more things, you know, you can go take hour, you can do something soothing. You can eat something. If you're hungry, you can drink something. If you're thirsty again. One of the things that happens when we're stressed is that our digestive system actually shuts down because we are in fight or flight and you can't be eating when you're running away.
And you actually, you wanna send all the blood and energy resources that are going into digestion into your muscle so that you can get away. And so, again, telling your body, Hey, actually, I'm eating right now. I'm fine. That can be a good thing. As long as you're not using food to like soothe you in an unhealthy way. You know, if it's, if it's, you know, if it's, if it's a coping mechanism versus a stress cycle relieving thing, then it might not be good. And that's with anything else, you know, like what I encourage you to avoid are things that are numbing because that actually doesn't help you complete the complete, the stress cycle and move through something. In fact, it keeps you like, sort of in the stress cycle, but not just aware of it at the moment. And it, again, it really depends on your mental state.
It's not about the thing, it's about how you are connecting to it. So you could go shopping for instance, and that could be a numbing experience. It could be a way of, you know, withdrawing from your stress and not processing it, or it could be a way of processing it. It could be like, I am gonna take care of myself and I'm gonna do something that feels good, and it's gonna be go to, to target and buy a new hoodie, you know or it could be I'm gonna watch this show and I'm gonna give myself the gift of watching TV right now and letting go of whatever's on my mind. And like con again, connecting to that. But if you're watching TV or doom scrolling through your phone, or, you know, going shopping or going, or are going to get something to eat, or, or even exercising is all of these things can either be ways of avoiding stress, but not dealing with it or ways of processing it.
And it really is about how you mentally connect to it. Okay? So those are some ways to work with your stress cycle and complete it yourself. So some other things to look at, are there boundaries that you might need to adjust in order to help you manage stress? Right now that's different than avoiding stress, but like in terms of taking care of you, creating some safety for some protection for you, are there ways you need to adjust your boundaries so that you're not feeling overstretched and resentful while also trying to manage this stress. And so there may be things you need to say no to that are getting in the way of you taking care of yourself and taking care of your stress. And so, you know, you, it's very hard to be present to those things when you're in a stressful state. So I would say first, you wanna, again, try to work through that stress cycle, but then if you're able to notice after you have sort of been present with where you are, are there things I actually need to take a step away from or put on hold?
So that I have a greater sense of safety, a greater sense of agency just more space to, to deal with what's going on with me again, boundaries are about us controlling ourselves, and I do have an episode coming out very soon on boundaries. So stay tuned. But so if you're, if you're not sure what I mean by boundaries, I'm gonna playing the whole thing, but basically boundaries are, this is what I am gonna do and what I'm not gonna do. This is what I'm gonna allow or not allow in, into my psyche, into my sphere. This is what I'm gonna allow and not allow. And, you know, that's something you can generally control. And it's not about, you know, I'm not gonna let someone do something else. It's a matter of, if something over here is happening, this is what I'm gonna do to deal with it.
And so that's what I wanna invite you to here as well as are there boundaries that you need to adjust so that you're able to manage the flow of stress and also manage your response to it? Similarly, it's good to check in and see if you have any unmet needs that are at the source of your stress. And then, you know, you need to figure out are these things I could give myself are these unmet needs things that I could go take care of right now? Like, again, am I hungry? Am I needing to move my body? Am I needing a hug? Am I needing more time? Am I needing more sleep? What am I needing? And how can I get it thinking about first, how you might be able to meet those yourself and then thinking about also, okay, if there are unmet needs that I have, that I need from someone else,
How could I request those things? Because a lot of times, the way that we ask for what we need from someone is we complain about it. We say what we're not getting, we say what someone's doing wrong. And that can be first of all, very disempowering and can feel like an attack. And also it leaves sometimes the person we're speaking to unsure of what we actually want and unsure of, of whether there's there's anything in there that they're supposed to do apart from just feel bad and apologize. And in this case, you know, if there is something that you want or need, then it can be useful to say, Hey, I'm noticing that this is something that would make me feel better. Would you be open to doing this more with me or giving me more of this and like really being open about the person that you're making the request of could say yes or they could say no, and it's, it's really, it's really, it's really coming from that place of, there's nothing wrong.
Nobody's doing anything wrong. This is just something that I would like, are you open to that? And then if the person's a, no, that gives you a clear direction to go next. Maybe what you need to do is you need to find some other sources of support so that, you know, you are able to get those needs met. Another thing, speaking of that, though, that you can do in terms of stress relief or stress, reducing is something that the Gottman Institute developed, an exercise that they developed called having a stress, reducing conversation with someone that you love. And again, this is a particular thing that someone can do for you, with you, that you can do for each other. It's an opportunity to help co-regulate around stress, but it is something that takes some effort and some time. And so it's important to not just spring it on someone you love, but ask them if they're okay with doing that with you.
And if you have a practice of doing that together, sure. You know, maybe you don't need to request every single time if you know, generally that that's available. And, you know, generally when someone's doing that with you, like how to opt out, if you need to. But basically having a stress, reducing conversation is, is something that I kind of addressed in my episode called no advice please, which is essentially you take turns, first of all. So when you are having a stress, reducing conversation, and this person who is trying to reduce their stress is you, then you get to speak and you get to really complain. If you need to, you get to vent and you have a certain set amount of time that you agree on 10 or 15 minutes can be good less than that can be good. You really just wanna talk about that beforehand, too.
And sometimes I actually like to set a timer where you just get to talk. And if you're the listener, when your partner or other loved one is having a stress, reducing conversation with you, the first and foremost thing is that you don't give any advice and don't give any feedback or any thought at least that's not the first place you wanna start. You wanna start with just listening and showing genuine interest, stay focused on the person who's speaking to you and ask questions, to get more information, to really try to understand, oh, what is really the whole story here? I really wanna know, because that just gives them space to feel affirmed. Like what they're talking about is valid and that you're interested and then communicate back your understanding. You know, this is that act of listening. This is letting your, your person know, Hey, I hear you, man.
I see how, how that is really rough. I see that this, this situation is really. I can totally understand it. And again, be really careful when you're empathizing not to make it about you and start to tell sort of a counterbalance story about something that happened to you in the same kind of way. That's not a universally bad thing. And I think it's a fine thing to do when relating to someone, but sometimes it can miss the mark. You know, sometimes it isn't really the same situation and then that can make that person feel unheard in that moment. So I think when you're actively trying to have a stress-reducing conversation, it really helps to just center what their what's going on for them, like, be like, wow, that's really awful. I can see why you're upset. I can see why that person just really you off.
And that seems so outta line. And again, where you can take the, take your person's side, you know, even if you think that the, that there's, you know, two sides to every story, and maybe there are ways in which you're the person talking to, you might be seeing it wrong or might be being unreasonable bull, you know, again, they're in a stressed place. So they might be, but be in their perspective first, if this relationship is important to you, it's better to just stay with where the person talking to you is rather than, you know, picking it apart or, you know, giving am the opportunity to see the nuance of the situation or take responsibility. That's just not what, what that person's looking for in that moment. What they need right now is just to feel understood. And you know, that must proceed any feedback or advice and let them know that you're on their side, let them that you care and that you support them no matter what.
And you really just wanna help and where you can express affection, express care, love, fondness, be kind, cheer them on, be like, Ugh, you are doing such hard things right now. That is amazing. I, I am so impressed by how you're handling this. I, and again, be authentic. Like if you aren't actually impressed with how they're handling it, don't say that, but like, you know, just be, be authentic and validate their emotions, you know, let them know what their, what, what they're feeling is valid and that they make sense. And then, and then, then, then, then after all of that, after you've held all that space, you say, thank you, thank you for telling me, thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for being vulnerable and open. Is there anything I can do? And you can, even, if you do have some feedback or advice that you think might help reduce stress, rather than, you know, again, in this moment, not, not about wanting them to self-examine, but like really, how can you help them reduce stress?
You could say, I have something I think might help. Would you be open to hearing it? And that question is so important because sometimes the answer might be no, I just needed to be heard. Thank you very much for hearing me hugs, hugs, and affection can also be good if that per up for that in that moment. And if you're the person speaking really allow yourself the space to let it out, because that can be a piece of like telling yourself that you're safe, that you're okay, cuz you're in this space where someone's really gonna listen to you and where someone's really gonna let you put it down, put down that thing that you're holding that is stressing you out, that is making you feel scared. Now you can put it down between the two of you and you can hold it together. And that I, I can't even tell you that, just that, that feeling of having that can be so rewarding and caring again, though, if you're the listener and you are, and you don't have the space to just hold space and you're in a reactive place and you're on a short fuse, definitely say no to this kind of conversation.
And if you're the person who needs that kind of conversation, be willing to accept that with grace, that that person can't do that for you right now. And you know, maybe see if you can find someone else who can do that. And again, where you can, you can take turns. That's another thing that I've found really helps reduce stress is being with someone else and being with someone else's feelings and supporting them. That can be a way of sort of getting over yourself and where you're at and getting out of your head and getting outta, being preoccupied with where, with your loop of thought, that's keeping you stressed out. It can help you exit that loop and be somewhere else. Again, it, it can also be a way of just erasing your feelings and, and avoiding and numbing. So it's worth being careful about that.
You wanna sort of again, have the mindset of I'm setting aside where I am right now to really be with this other person. And that's gonna actually make me feel better and make me feel safer and make me feel good. So again, it's all about, it's all about mindset there. The last thing that I wanna offer that I think is really good stress management is to acknowledge and express gratitude for what's good. And again, this isn't the same as erasing the bad pretending that things are and the are because I, I don't think that's healthy. I think that again, that's just sort of kicking the can down the road and it's gonna build up internally. But what I'm saying is with the rough things with the stress, also notice what's good and appreciating it, being grateful for it that can have such huge, positive, physiological effects as well as psychological effects that can help you deal with the stress.
And I mean, there's a lot of science out there about gratitude practices and how extremely helpful they are. And again, I think anything can tip over into something unuseful if you, if you're using it as a, a crutch rather than a bomb, you know? But I'll share with you that one of my partners has this practice of, you know, after every stressful ordeal, I feel like that we might through together at the end of it, he sits back and goes, you know, here's what went really well with that. Here's what felt really good. Here's where we conquered something and overcame something that was hard here's where something was surprisingly easy and it went really well. And here's something that someone did that was really awesome. And, and I have adopted this practice myself because of that practice that he's done with me.
I mean, like, I just can remember times when we've been with all six of our children and it's been a little bit of a mess, but then, you know, we've got them all back in the car and we're we're driving home or something. And he'll just say, you know what? That was great. Here are the things that were great about it. And I'm able to say, yeah, but here's what was rough about it. But having him say, you know, but here's what was really awesome and just really reflecting back and remembering that it's not all bad can really help. The other thing that can really help too, is not just to feel the gratitude and reflect on what went well for yourself. But again, to ex express it to the people who are around you, who love you and who you love and who are putting good things into your world, it can be so healing for you to thank your partners, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your kids, whoever, for the ways in which they show up that are wonderful or for the ways in which they're in this with you, for the ways in which they are overcoming hard things too.
Again, it's nice for them to hear it, but it's also good for you to say it so it can make a big difference to offer your appreciation for others that can just help make you feel less alone. So to recap, stress can not only be harmful to your physical health and your mental wellbeing, but also to your relationships. So it's really important to be able to manage any stress that's coming up for you to be able to manage chronic stress. And here are some things that can help first. It's important to notice that you're stressed and be tuned into the signs and signals that you're stressed. Second, it can be useful to, to see what's going on inside of you and doing some emotional mindfulness practice. Next, it can be useful to do some of the things that will help the stress feel better.
So you can complete your stress cycle as Emily Nagoski says, outrun the lion or fight off the lion. And that means doing something physical with your body and connecting that to your mind, connecting it to this is the thing that I'm doing to fight off the stress rather than this is a thing I'm doing to numb the stress and avoid it. Okay. the next thing to do is to really notice if you need to make any adjustments to your boundaries, to make space for the kind of care that you need when you're stressed and check-in and see if there are any needs or wants that you need addressed. And whether you can meet those for yourself or whether you need to make some requests of the people around you to help you out. And one of the requests you can make is to have a stress-reducing conversation with a loved one or a partner family member, et cetera. And then lastly, tuning into what is good and making space to really appreciate and express gratitude both within yourself and to those around you can really have a big impact on your stress levels and make you feel less alone.
