Hinges, Let's Talk
This episode is for you if you're a hinge or the point in a "vee." There's a very common trap that many hinge partners fall into that you must avoid if you don't want to be a sucky hinge. Want to know more? Listen to Libby to learn the most essential hinging skill.
Transcript
So I've been promising this episode for a long time. And here it is, I'm doing an episode on being an awesome hinge and the most essential hinge skill that you need. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I will explain what a hinge is after the intro.
Tell me if this sounds familiar. Ruby is dating two people, Erin and Blake, Ruby loves Erin and Blake, both and strives to have a non-hierarchical relationship with both of them. Meaning neither has any prescribed status or priority above the other. But Ruby is often finding herself, working very hard to keep both of these people happy and nourished in their relationships with her. For example, Erin wants time with Ruby and Blake wants time with Ruby and Ruby as much as possible tries to say yes to her partners when they ask for her time, because she wants them to be happy and meet their needs. But far too often her strategy to try to say yes, as much as possible and keep her partners happy. Backfires. Sometimes she double books, her calendar. Sometimes she leaves one partner hanging, waiting for an answer about like a getaway for a weekend or something like that.
While she consults with the other to see how they would feel about it. Her partners often end up feeling like they're in, in competition with each other, which Ruby doesn't really understand and finds really frustrating because she wants her partners to get along. I mean, it would be so much easier if they could all just hang out together, but they never seem to wanna share time in that way. In fact, they seem really stressed out about the amount of time they get with Ruby. And she often feels like nothing she does is enough and her partners will never be happy with her. Maybe she and her partners even question whether polyamory is a thing Ruby can do because managing two relationships often feels like a struggle that she finds exhausting, but she also can't seem to do anything about it. So Ruby, in case you don't know is known as a hinge, she is a person who's dating two people, the point of a V.
So a V is like one relationship on one side and one relationship on the other side. And the point in the middle is that hinge. Now there can be lots of vs in a polyamorous ecosystem. Like, you know, in this scenario, Erin might have another partner too. So they might also be a hinge in a different V or I guess in this case, it'd be more like a w anyway, <laugh> the scenario I described with Ruby is extremely common. I can't tell you how many times I have seen hinges. Just struggle to balance the needs of their two partners. And if you're listening to this and are you're saying to yourself, yes, that's me. I'm Ruby. How do I fix that? I can tell you exactly what's at the root of the problem and how to solve it. The problem is that you are trying to keep your partners happy.
I know, right? Okay. You may think I'm being ridiculous. What kind of partner does wanna make her partners happy? But in all this trying to keep your partners happy and satisfied, you are forgetting a very important element in the relationship, which is you what's often missing when you are operating as a hinge only to make your partners happy is that you are not setting your own priorities. You're not being clear about your own boundaries, and you're not going after your wants and your needs. Basically, you're failing to be your own agent in your relationships. And you're taking too much responsibility for your partner's happiness. If this is you, it is likely that's somewhere along the way, you got the message that your job as a partner is to make your partners happy, or maybe you even believe that other people's happiness with you is the proof that you are worthy, that you belong in this relationship, that the relationship is valid and that you're allowed to be loved.
And this is way, way common in monogamous relationships. And a lot of scripts out of monogamy might even say that this is what you're supposed to do, that you're supposed to sacrifice yourself and your own sense of wellbeing for your partner's happiness. And that, that is why you're there. But there are some problems with approaching relationships this way. For one, when you see your only role as making your partners happy as a hinge, you end up not really a hinge so much as like a fulcrum point between the happiness of your two partners. Now picture this, okay. A fulcrum point means there's a point. And then there's a straight like line, like a Seesaw. Someone is always going to be feeling up or down, and they're going to be able to see that. And they're going to be super hyper-conscious of it. This is what leads to that feeling of being in competition with each other.
If your needs are not part of the equation, then it's just one partner's needs against the others. Also, when your partners ask you for something, the may never feel sure if you really wanna do what they want, or if it's just that you're placating them, they won't feel like you are an equal and active participant in defining the relationship and what it is and what you're doing together. And the irony of that is I'm sure that you think you're showing your commitment and love to them by trying to do what they want. But if they don't know that you want it too, they're gonna end up not feeling certain about any of it. And frankly, it can make them way more insecure. Hinging this way can also put a lot of pressure on your partners to be happy with a situation that they not be happy with instead of having their own feelings about it, because they can see that you get upset when they're not happy.
You often are going to end up stretching yourself thin too, to try to please your partners. And that can lead to resentment of them. When they ask for more or complain about something, it can lead to you feeling like nothing is ever gonna be enough. Additionally, if you have no needs of your own and are just perpetually trying to please your partners, you deprive your partners of the opportunity to be caring toward you and meet your needs. And that creates a pretty big imbalance that can not only leaving you feeling depleted and stretched thin, like I said, but can also leave your partners, feeling needy and demanding, and frankly, unsure of what value they add to your life, which again, can lead them to feel pretty insecure. Like one of the ways that you derive value is by meeting other people's needs. Well, other people feel that way too.
And if you don't give them a chance, then you know, you're, there's a power imbalance there. So what you have to do to get out of this is simple, but not easy. Okay? What you have to do is reclaim your agency. Now, this is again, easier said than done, and there may be some things that will get in the way of this for you doing this at the snap of your fingers. Okay? First of all, there may be something getting in the way of you being able to prioritize your own needs and your own happiness. Maybe what's going on is that as the hinge, you feel like so honored and amazed to be in a romantic relationship with more than one person. And maybe you feel unworthy of that much love and feel like you have to bend over backwards to deserve it.
Maybe you even have generally felt like in order to feel worthy of love and care and commitment and attention and sex or whatever that you have to do something to earn it. And, and that's very common. You also may feel guilty that you're dividing your time and attention and are scared that there isn't enough of you to go around. So you feel like you have to strive to give as much as you can, but if that's really the case that you feel that way, that you're worried that there's not enough time and attention, well, you might actually not have enough time and attention to meet the relational needs of the two particular partners that you have. And if that's true, you need to be willing to risk a partner, deciding that they can't continue with you, because if you can't make them happy, it's kinder to give them a chance to decide whether they wanna stay in that situation or not.
But if you're constantly stretching yourself beyond your capacity, because you're afraid of losing someone, your partners are gonna feel strong along and maybe eventually frustrated, misled with a lot of promises and no delivery. And they're also gonna have a hard time letting go and may even feel obligated to stay with you because they can see how hard you're trying to work to keep them. Now, I also have to say here, another thing that can be going on is that you may also have partners who are not respecting your own rights to have boundaries and to set your own priorities who are asking for too much and who are not making space for you to say no. And who make you feel guilty or selfish when you try. That's a real thing that can happen. Another thing that can be going on is that you or your partners may have just different values and priorities and that your partner isn't supportive of yours, and you don't feel like you can stick up for what's important to you.
Maybe you've even been shamed for the things that are important to you. Maybe you prioritize sexual relationships while your partner, prioritizes friends or familial relationships, maybe you're in a monopoly dynamic and your mono partner allows, but isn't thrilled about your other relationship, or maybe it's not even relational priorities at all. Maybe you just wanna spend lots of time on your career, not pursuing many relationships at all. While your partner may prioritize having a large social network, your partner may prioritize going out and doing lots of activities or social engagements, and they expect you to participate in that while you may prioritize staying at home and playing video games, some people think that their priorities and their values are the correct ones and feel like it's okay to just impose those priorities and values on others. The people that they're in relationships with. And that can be part of what leads to that lack of respect for differences.
But I think respect of those differences is essential to healthy relationships. I mean, even if you ultimately negotiate and compromise, when priorities come into conflict, it's absolutely crucial that your partner respect what's important to you. And sometimes joyfully support you in the things that matter to you, even if it's not their bag. And if they're not able to do that or find that threatening, then you may not be compatible. And I just wanna say also this isn't just to polyamory problem. Okay. Again, this shows up in, in monogamous relationships too, because we have all kinds of competing priorities in our lives. You know, in job settings, we have competing priorities with our children, with our family members, with life all the time. We can't do all the things and be everything to everyone. We have to make hard choices. And at the end of the day, you have this one wild precious life and you matter.
So you have to make the best choice for you based on your values, priorities, and goals. And when those come into conflict with other people, it's important to own that you can choose to negotiate, but at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to make a choice that isn't going to make everyone happy. And it's better to at least make sure that your choice is rooted in your own values, priorities, and goals, because it wasn't a battle of which wheel was the squeakiest wheel, or who do you love more, but rather it's a decision of what was best for you, which hopefully the people who love you can respect, even if they may not be getting exactly what they want. So once you've gotten clear on what may be going on, that is getting in the way of you having your own agency and maybe worked through some of those issues.
Here are some practical ways that you can be an agent in your relationships so that you can be a better hinge partner. Now here's maybe one of the most important shifts you can make. Are you ready? All your time belongs to you. I'm gonna say that again, all your time belongs to you unless you're a parent. And then all your time belongs to your kids. But you know what I'm saying? All your time belongs to you. Even the time you've committed yourself to spending with someone else. Nobody is entitled to your time. And if partners are acting like they are, it's important to put your foot down about that. And this is true, even if you're a monogamous, I think there's this implicit expectation in monogamous relationships. That default time is always partner time. And anything you wanna do has to get outside of that guess to get cleared with your partner.
I even thought that early on in my relationship with Drew, and I'm very lucky that drew pushed back hard and was like, Nope, you have to ask me, you don't just get to make plans on my behalf. And and you, I get to say no, and that's, this is true. You get to say, no, your time belongs to you. You get to say, no, you get to reschedule. If you aren't feeling good or you just aren't up for it, or you're not excited about the anymore. I mean, don't be a jerk or a flake, but nobody owns your time. You do. And you get to decide what you do and with whom and how long your time is yours. Similarly, your priorities are yours to set. When your partner asks you for something, the question is not, can I say yes to this? The question is not, will my other partner be okay with this?
The question is, do I want this or not? Is this in alignment with what's important to me, my values, my commitments, my priorities, my goals, my joy. If you have a conflicting commitment, your question is not whose need is greater. The question is which of these is most in alignment with what's important to me, my values, my commitments, my goals, my joy. Now it can be an alignment with your priorities to prioritize someone else's needs above your own. Absolutely it can I do this all the time, but the point here is that I am choosing that. And so then it's about what I want. What's about, it's about what's important to me and not what another person is demanding of me. And this is so important to own with your partners. And so you also wanna make a practice of compassionate and clearly communicating with your partners around your yeses and your no, and explain to them why your choices are important to you, your life, your values, your priorities, your joy.
And if you have to shift things around with one partner to accommodate something else important to you, even if it's another partner, yes, your partners may be disappointed and you're gonna have to learn how to cope with your partner's disappointment. Disappointment is a feeling that everyone has and everyone has to learn to deal with. And it is a feeling that they're entitled to feel. And it doesn't mean you're an uncaring monster. If you disappoint your partners, it just means you aren't perfect and you can't be everything to everybody. And you're partners get to decide what they wanna do with their disappointment. They can choose to accept it graciously. They can choose to protest, or they can choose to move on. And that's really their choice. And also, you've heard me say this on the, when your meta don't wanna episode, if you choose to prioritize one partner over another, it's your choice.
And that's about what's important to you. And it's really crucial for you to own that because otherwise what you're doing is you're throwing one partner under the bus with the other one. And then again, that's can contribute to that feeling of your partner's feeling in competition with each other. And the thing is, if you're doing that, what you're doing is you're trying to avoid you being responsible for your partner's disappointment. And it's important that you are. And as you do this, you may need to ask for reassurance from your partners. When you know, you're gonna be letting them down in some kind of way, and a good partner again, will be able to deal with their disappointment and will also be happy for you. If they know that you're doing what's best for you. And if you're truly messing up with them, hopefully also, they can hold you lovingly accountable and ask for what they need and what they want, rather than just tearing you down or making you feel guilty or shaming you.
And if your partners don't respect your boundaries and your priorities and your needs, and instead are feeling entitled to your time and intention and throw a big, gigantic fit. Anytime you set limits and boundaries with them or say no, or disappoint them or choose something that they don't want you to choose. There may be a deeper conversation to have about that because entitlement and feeling like you get to set the agenda with someone else is a sign that your partner isn't respecting your agency and may not want you exercising that, and that is a big red flag. That's just definitely, first of all, not compatible with non-monogamy because it's controlling, but I don't even think it's compatible with healthy monogamy either, because I think if you want an equitable partnership, both partners need to be agents of their own relationship. Now, if this is the first time you've set your own priorities, set your own limits.
Your partners may struggle at first to respect your choices and boundaries, because you may have trained them to expect you to not have your own wants and needs and limits. And so it just might be an adjustment for them. They may be receptive to reorienting their expectations, but it might take a minute. A thing that can help is if you express to them that you're sticking up for what you need in your relationship in order to be in moral, authentic connection with them. But if they can't get on board with that, if they can't respect where you're coming from and what you're trying to do, then that relationship might not be sustainable. If that partner is really benefiting from you not being an agent in your relationship, that can honestly be harmful. And I would encourage you to rethink that.
Now, as I'm saying, please be an agent in your own relationship. I wanna be clear about something. This isn't a license to be selfish and callous about others' feelings and the impact you have on them, just because you're not obligated to make your partners happy all the time doesn't mean you should be completely uninterested. This isn't a call to have no concern for the ways you may not be able to show up for a partner because of a competing commitment or priority. If you are doing something that hurts someone you love, I don't think it's reasonable to just expect them to swallow their feelings. When you do have to disappoint someone when you can't keep a commitment, or when you do need to adjust an expectation would also do well to hold space and acknowledge the hard feelings and offer care and concern. It's so important to be accountable for what you can and can't do, and how that may mean that you could be falling short as a partner.
Sometimes the opposite hinge problem that is also a real one is the hinge who overcommits. And then the ball leaving a wake of partners who feel deprioritized and starved for nourishment and who are told to just take it on the chin without any accountability from their partner. Interestingly, this is actually just the other side of the same coin. It's that a person can't be with their partner's disappointment, but instead of doing everything you can to make them happy, you just put up a wall to it. You just do what you want and act completely selfishly. And you know, if you're looking for a now-famous example of that, I'd encourage you to check out. I tripped on the polyamorous missing stare, which is a detailed account of how Franklin Veaux, who is by the way, one of the co-authors of the book, more than two, how he made a habit of basically this, having a lot of commitments with a lot of partners, deprioritizing them and prioritizing them randomly, and then trigger warning.
There are also descriptions of how Veaux responded with emotional, emotionally abusive behavior towards his partners when they would call out this neglect. And, and that's the thing to look out for too. You know, when someone is saying that they are hurting and feeling neglected, don't deny their pain or their discomfort, it's okay to acknowledge it without fixing it, but to not acknowledge it, to say, oh, this isn't a big deal or this you're not feeling what you're feeling. That's a form of gaslighting. And just because your partners aren't entitled to happiness from you doesn't mean that their feelings aren't real or that those feelings don't matter. They matter a lot. And the way you can be a good partner when you can't be all the things to all the people is to at least own it and show care and compassion. And that's really what I'm suggesting here.
And that's the challenge of being your own agent in your own relationship, which is you have to walk this middle path, own your priorities and your choices as yours, and be with the consequences when people don't like it. And don't take responsibility for your partner's feelings and do your best to be caring and compassionate, and negotiate and hold your limits and be willing to let go sometimes and be willing to let your partners go if their needs and your limits are too incompatible. Or if your partner just can't respect your right to be an agent in your own relationship. If that sounds hard, it can be, and you might have self-work to do in order to get there. You may have to reorder where you derive your sense of self-worth, and self-esteem, you may need to develop better emotional boundaries and possibly choose different partners. Also, even with doing all that work, you won't always be able to do this perfectly. And so you'll need to keep reminding yourself to return to this path when you stray from it, but the work is worth it. On the other side, you're showing up as a full partner, taking care of your own needs, setting, healthy boundaries for yourself and your relationship, which can create more secure, more equal, and balanced, deeper, more authentic, and more loving and joyful partnerships.
