Stand Up and Rock the Boat
Let's talk about why it's so important to be willing to put things on the line in your relationships, to stand up for what you want, and confront issues - before they get too big to deal with.
Transcript
Why is it that some of us are so afraid or unwilling to rock the boat in our relationships? Sometimes maybe you notice something in your relationship that just isn't working for you, or you notice some behavior or some dynamic has shown up that just doesn't feel good or isn't sustainable, or maybe there's something you were deeply hoping for, that you aren't getting. And you're feeling some pretty significant disappointment. And yet you remain quiet. Why and what is that costing you?
So I'm gonna start out today's episode by reading you a story. It's a story that I got for my kids. So it's a kid's book. And you might hear me flipping pages, cuz I'm gonna just read it right outta my kid's book. The book is called, What do you do with a problem? And it's written by Kobe Yamada illustrated by Mae Besom. Here's how it goes. I don't know how it happened, but one day, I had a problem. I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. I really didn't like having a problem, but it was there.
Why is it here? What does it want? What do you do with a problem? I thought. I wanted it to go away. I shoot it. I scowled at it. I tried ignoring it, but nothing worked. I started to worry about my problem. What if it swallows me up? What if my problem sneaks up and gets me? What if it takes away? All of my things. I worried a lot. I worried about what would happen. I worried about what could happen. I worried about this and I worried about that. And the more I worried, the bigger my problem became, I wished it would just disappear. I tried everything I could to hide from it. I even found ways to disguise myself, but it still found me. And the more I avoided my problem, the more I saw it everywhere. I thought about it all the time. I didn't feel good at all. I couldn't take it anymore. This has to stop. I declared. Maybe I was making my problem bigger and scarier than it actually was after all my problem had, hadn't really swallowed me up or attacked me. I realized I had to face it.
So even though I didn't want to. And even though I was really afraid, I got ready and I tackled my problem. When I got face to face with it, I discovered something. My problem. Wasn't what I thought it was. I discovered it had something beautiful inside My problem held an opportunity. It was an opportunity for me to learn and grow, to be brave, to do something. It showed me that it was important to look closely because some opportunities only come once. So now I see problems differently. I'm not afraid of them anymore because I know their secret. Every problem has an opportunity for something good. You just have to look for it. The End.
What does a children's book have to do with rocking the boat? Well, what I mean by rocking the boat is basically confronting problems. Those problems can be small things like your partner, never putting the toilet seat down or medium problems like your partner, constantly double booking their calendar and canceling plans with you, or really big problems, like fundamentally different ideas about how you should raise your kids. One problem that I had that was kind of a small problem, but kind of not was that one of my partners would show up to a planned date wearing perfume. And I'm very fragrant sensitive. I was hesitant to bring it up, but not bringing it up was not only diminishing my ability to enjoy the date. It was also causing me headaches. It's so simple when you read it in a children's book, isn't it. If you see a problem running away from it, isn't answer problems.
Aren't bad. They are opportunities in disguise. And yet how often have you allowed yourself to hide from or avoid confronting a problem in your relationship and what is it that makes you stay quiet instead of tackling those problems? Well, I can think of some reasons why one, you might not be sure that whatever you want to bring up is valid or worth the trouble. You question yourself, maybe it's all in your head or maybe it's real, but it's your fault. It's your problem. And I often say, you know, the only person you can control is yourself. So maybe you tell yourself that you're better off resolving this issue on your own rather than bringing it up and making it your partner's problem. And I wanna say sometimes that is the right course. There's also something to be said for accepting things as they are. It can be exhausting to be the sort of person who is constantly finding fault with everything never being satisfied.
And maybe that's not who you wanna be. Maybe you don't wanna complain. You don't wanna make a lot of waves. You take pride on the sort of person who is easy going. Who's willing to do the work on yourself and love others as they are. And if this sounds like you, it's not bad. If you're trying to be careful about what you decide to bring up and where you decide to stay silent, I'm not religious, but I have always love the serenity prayer. You know, grant me the serenity to accept the things. I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. But far too often picking your battles can sometimes slip into avoiding difficult and uncomfortable conversations and situations. And while loving acceptance is a beautiful thing. The dark side of that is self-sacrifice. When you silently choke back your dreams and desires and allow yourself to tolerate situations that aren't working for you in the name of self-sacrifice.
I worry. I worry that when people self S that they are not valuing themselves in the relationship, they don't believe their wants and needs are valid and worth considering though, sometimes self-sacrifice can also end up being a sort of unspoken currency in a relationship you give up something you want, and then you feel entitled to have your partner give up thing they want for you. But if all of this goes unsaid and unspoken, you end up with an agreement that you've made with your partner, that they didn't agree with with you. So they raised something that they want from you, and then you throw back in their face. Well, I didn't complain about this thing that I wasn't happy about. So why are you complaining about the thing that you're unhappy about? And you might feel if they're pushing for what they want, that your sacrifice is unacknowledged and uncompensated, and it's a hop, skip, and a jump from there to resentment.
And if resentment gets repeatedly unaddressed that fester into a sort of grandiose martyrdom and that can poison a relationship. Martyrdom is not good. You guys, anytime a partner brings up a problem, you know, you can call on all the times that you didn't complain to them and what you wanted to be different. And therefore they shouldn't complain to you and mutual self sacrifice and martyred them through avoidance, that that can create a sort of a stability, but it also just creates this deep seething, resentment. And there's a loss of love of and connection and abundance. But maybe that's not what you're about. Maybe that's not, maybe it's not that you wanna be a martyr, but maybe you're just afraid to rock the boat. Maybe you've already put your heart on the line and taken a risk just in loving another person and letting them in and allowing that connection to grow.
And maybe now you just wanna play it safe. You don't wanna put your relationship in jeopardy and risk being alone. Again. Maybe you've tried to express your wants and needs in the past, and it hasn't worked very well for you. So you decide it's better to just compromise on what you want. Maybe you're afraid your partner won't or your partner will say no, or maybe you're afraid your partner will run away or shut down or reject you. Or maybe you're scared that your partner will be hurt and fall apart or get angry and retaliate. Maybe you already know the answer is no. So why even bring it up? And maybe you don't even stay silent. You don't directly speak up because that would be too scary. But instead you choose to like drop hints, use passive aggressive comments, or make tiny complaints hoping your partner will pick up on the issue, or maybe you internalize it all because you figure if it was really a problem that was worth bringing up your partner would surely see it too.
Be able to how you were feeling and pick up on it. So you hold it and just hope that they will be the one to bring it up, or you manage it yourself by adjusting your boundaries, getting your needs met elsewhere, managing your disappointments all without a word of conversation about what you're working to address. And why can I tell you what the choice to not the boat is costing you in your relationship? Because it's a lot, first of all, one of my partners said something to me that I'll never forget you bringing up a problem. Doesn't mean you are being a person. Who's ruining everything. If you bring up a problem and the worst happens, bringing it up, does ruin everything. Guess what? It was already ruined. You just did the work of pointing it out. And what is the ultimate goal of pointing out a problem to make things better?
So that fear of being this kill joy or being a complainer or not easy going or making trouble or being difficult, that's something worth letting go of the difficulty is there, but avoiding it or ignoring it or swallowing, it just means that it continues and grows by not bringing up the problem to your you're. Also instead depriving the two of you, the opportunity of tackling it together, as I said, it's not always bad to pick your battles, but when you habitually avoid, you are also potentially weakening your relationships capacity to handle problems and problems are gonna happen no matter what, even if you never address work through problems, internal to your relationship, external problems are also inevitable. And if your default response to problems is to avoid. When the problem comes up, that you can't avoid, you will not be prepared with the tools you need to handle it.
Instead, there will be all of these unaddressed problems that have eaten at the foundation, like a bunch of termites so that when a big challenge puts pressure on everything, the bottom might just fall out and you'll be weak because practicing solving problems is like working out. It's strengthening a muscle avoiding problems can also cause relationships to be rigid and confining and fragile. When what they need to in this challenging world that we live in is nimble, expansive, and resilient. This is why I encourage people in establish relationships who want to maintain that partnership while exploring non-monogamy have a solid practice for handling their issues before they get too deep into it. Because when you start involving other people in the intimate, a sea of your life, it's inevitably going to put pressure on the system you have in place. If you have a solid system for handling problems, then you can move through challenges far more easily.
If you don't, then the unexpected problems will potentially destroy your relationship. Also because of waiting problems is a safe of choice. It also keeps you out of vulnerability with your partner. Now, bene brown has written a ton of wonderful stuff about vulnerability, and I encourage you to check out, especially her book daring greatly for more on the topic. But in short vulnerability is where intimacy lives. It's also where we find joy, empathy, authenticity, and true connection with others. If you want to create an extraordinary relationship, you have to be willing to go after what you truly want with vulnerability. So instead of looking at rocking the boat as making trouble, you can instead look at it. As I'm saying, I want to connect with you. I want to be open and real with you. I trust you. And I trust us and I want to stand up for me and us together to see if we can make things better.
Remember that children's book. Every problem is an opportunity for something good and to grow stronger and learn, but only if you're willing to engage in it, tackling problems together also creates an enormous amount of trust and security. Also, while it's good to pick your moment and even wait to see if a problem is really a problem before addressing it, putting it off can have some serious downsides. Statistically, most couples seek professional counseling. Six years after problems start showing up six years of struggling and pain and probably avoidance and trying to get around the problem instead of tackling it just like an illness, the more you ignore a problem, the worse it gets and the harder it is to treat it. And the sooner you can address an issue that you clearly can see the easier it is to deal with it and move through it.
And finally, when you allow your needs and wants to go unaddressed, they don't go away. You may try to bottle them up, but the bottle is gonna leak. You will struggle to feel peaceful content and fulfilled. And in my experience, it's likely that something will come along. That will challenge your choice to stay quiet. You'll see someone who's living the way you wanted or making the choices you didn't bother to try. Or in the case of polyamory, you might end up meeting a new partner where you discover that things are possible, that you never even and tried for in your existing relationship. If you don't give your wants and needs and desires your best shot, and instead stay silent in fear, mistrust self-sacrifice and rigidity, your relationship will suffer. And so will you and your partner probably needlessly the benefits of rocking the boat are a lot of the inverse of the costs.
And I've already talked about some of them deeper love, intimacy, trust, resilience, and connection, more security and confidence that your relationship can handle the hard things, opportunities for growth and change, and obviously getting what you want and having the relationship of your dreams. Okay? Now maybe you're thinking Libby, I do sometimes rock the boat or I used to speak up and it is always gone badly. I have two thoughts there. One you may have, or have had a partner who is rigid and fearful of change, who is resistant to your influence. Maybe they, by into the idea that relationships are about self-sacrifice and sucking it up. Maybe you were punished or retaliated against when you spoke up for something better, or maybe they just got hurt and shut down. If you're still in that relationship, it is worth evaluating. Whether that's a relationship you want to remain in.
I also have to say here that if you feel truly unsafe than your relationship, if there's been physical or emotional violence, when you've tried to stand up for what you want, I encourage you to actually not take any further risks. Instead, what rocking the boat looks like for you is calling the domestic violence hotline. That number is 1 807, 9, 9 safe. They also have an online chat support available on their website at www.thehotline.org. I assert that every healthy relationship should be able to survive confronting problems and weathering difficult conversations. If your partner is unable to engage with your desire to work on things, even if it's a perfectly non-abusive relationship, it might not be a sustainable relationship for you, but it's also possible that you thought you were rocking the boat. But what you were really doing was hinting around making passive aggressive comments or otherwise just complaining. Complaining can feel like we're speaking up for ourselves, but it's very different from what I'm talking about.
When I talk about rocking the boat, the reason why is complaining, isn't vulnerable, it's passive. And it's also very negative and disempowering. It's telling your partner how things aren't great or how they didn't do the thing that they should have done. Also, because complaining is talking about shoulds and negatives. It's couched in this good, bad binary. This should have happened. And it didn't. So that was wrong and that was bad. And there's not a lot of room to make things better are there. And there's not a lot of room for compromise and nuance. If your go-to method to get what you want has been complaining. And it hasn't worked. That doesn't mean rocking the boat is hopeless. Rather. You probably need some better ways to speak up for yourself more effectively. If you'd like to stand up for yourself and have, have the extraordinary relationship you deeply want, or if you'd like a better script for doing it more effectively, I've got you.
Here are some tips on how to rock the boat like a badass. First of all, do some mindset work. You must truly believe that you have the right to have the wants and needs that you have, and that those wants and needs matter. This requires you to have a healthy esteem for yourself. You also need to believe that your partner has a right to the wants and needs that they have, and that they might differ from yours. It's also helpful to accept and remain open to the risk that this won't go well at first, if you're afraid that your partner will react badly, that may be a signal that they will, but relationships are marathons, not sprints. You owe it to both of you to give yourselves the opportunity to move through any possible disagreement, rejection, disappointment, and grow beyond it. If your partner does respond strongly, it's a chance for you to use your emotional boundary, make space for your partner to get upset without you letting go of your wants and needs, practice, holding space for them.
And for yourself, you can stand by the things that you want and also soothe their feelings at the same. Understand that by rocking the boat, you do risk shaking up your relationship. When you dare to make a change, you are stepping into the unknown. You might be pulling on a thread that unravels the whole sweater. But I again say that if the construction of your relationship is that fragile, it's so important to confront that and sooner, rather than later, it's the only way you can build something stronger together. If you do unravel the sweater, that's an opportunity to knit another one. As you approach your partner, stay in the particular and remain focused on your objective, wants and needs stay out of right and wrong and generalizations and shoulds. But instead use this formula state what it is that you want. And again, try to make it as specific as possible instead of like, I really want you to think this particular way, try to focus on behavior statewide.
It's important to you and what it means to you, and then state the way it would make you feel. If things were to change and then offer ways to help make it happen, you wanna stay in the positive. So don't complain about the way things haven't been, stay focused on what you would like and what the benefits would be. Talk about how it would be better for both of you either. That may be true, but telling someone else what they want is kind of paternalistic. And it's also unnecessary your needs and wants matter all on their own. You don't have to make a bigger case than that. You can also talk about the costs for you. If things don't change, I just encourage you to be careful here and don't frame them as threats. You also need to accept the possibility that your partner might be a no part of respecting your partner is accepting that something you want may not work for them.
If this is where you end up, it's still an opportunity. It doesn't have to spell the end of your relationship in every relationship. Every relationship there will be things that you want, that you ask for, and that the other person may not be able to, or want to give you. And then you get to decide whether or not having those things in the face of all that you are getting is good enough. We sell them if ever get everything we want. If you never take the risk and rock the boat, though, you'll never know for sure one way or the other. And so you won't be able to truly do that reckoning. Also finding out where the nos are, is a really great way to figure out where the yeses are. So you might ask for something and your partner might be a no, but there might be another thing that is a way to get your needs met, that you can explore together, but if you're not willing to rock the boat and voice what you need, then the opportunity will never present itself.
If they do agree with your request, be ready to receive that, but also be ready for work just because they are willing to give you what you want. Doesn't mean they necessarily know how to give it to you. You may have to help them, help you give them instruction, give them feedback, give them resources to read, or look up or practices to try a lot of people, get this part wrong again. That's where complaining can feel safer. If you just complain, then it's like, you're tossing a ball into your partner's court when they're not even looking. And then just walking away, here you go, boom. Now you deal with it. You leave it with your partner to just figure it out, but to truly make a change in your relationship. I think you have to be ready to do the work together, which means knocking them a ball that they can actually hit and then be prepared to be in the game with them, ready to receive the ball back in your cart and go back and forth together.
If you're feeling super scared and disempower hour to engage and stand up for yourself and your relationship, I encourage you to get support friends, family, or even professional support can help you stand up for yourself with your partner and express your wants and needs. But also, even though I think it's really important to talk about problems and offer solutions and be willing to work on them. It's also important to say that not every problem has a solution research by the government Institute has shown that actually 69% nice of all problems that partners face are known as perpetual problems. They don't actually have a solution. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about them though. It just means you need to, to talk about them with deep compassion for one another and acceptance that maybe you're not gonna get what you want out of this. I'll go into greater depth about how to talk about perpetual problems in a later podcast.
I also just wanna spend a moment talking to you. If your partner is the one trying to ask you for what they want. I'll say for myself, it's usually a relief. When my partner is actually willing to tell me what they want and let me know where they are and tell me how to make them happy. But if this kind of difficult conversation is new and scary for you, here are some things that might help first take a deep breath and ground yourself. Use your emotional boundaries, understand that whatever your partner wants does have to be a criticism of you or a sign that something's wrong. This is a bid for connection. Try to tell yourself that they're not trying to hurt you or criticize you or tear you down. They are trying to make things better. Do your best to express gratitude that your partner was willing to trust you and take a risk by opening up to you.
Being vulnerable can be scary. So the more welcoming you can be to them the better before reacting, slow down and listen, use the active listening practice, reflect back what you're hearing and ask if you got it right, and then spend some time with their request, figure out what you're willing to do and not willing to do, but don't make snap judgements really take your time and then give generously, ask yourself, what will this really cost me? If I say yes to my partner's request. And finally, again, ask for help. If you need it, you may not be sure what the first step is to give your partner what they want. And that's okay. You can ask them for help and you can also seek help from others. You do need to be willing to do your own work, do your own research and maybe get professional support.
If you need it dare to rock the boat in your relationship can be scary and hard. But in my view, you, the alternative is allowing a relationship to slowly break down under the weight of disappointment, unmet needs and unspoken dreams to create a relationship that's truly extraordinary. You often have to be willing to put things on the line and take some risks with your heart just as you did, when you allowed yourself to fall in love in the first place, this is never really done, but you don't have to do it alone. You and your partner can do this together. And meeting these challenges together, creates the opportunity to strengthen your bond and deepen your love. And if you need even more help, you can get support in the form of a coach, a counselor, a support group, some good friends, or all of the above.
I wanna wrap up by going back to my earlier example with my partner who was using a fragrance that was giving me a headache. I actually struggled to bring it up with them. But finally I did, and it was uncomfortable. Their initial response was a little frustrated and bummed out because they really like wearing perfume. And they, I didn't like that I didn't love it, but ultimately we were able to talk about it, hear each other and be compassionate with one another. And what we found was that there are some fragrances that they both enjoy wearing and that I enjoy smelling and don't give me a headache. It's actually become quite enjoyable for me to go out to a and buy some non-headache fragrances for them. So it was ultimately worth the discomfort to have that difficult conversation. And now we're both better off for it. I realize this is kind of a small issue and you may be fretting over an even more difficult conversation over an issue that you're having that has higher stakes. I still think you owe it to yourself and to your relationship to take the risk and rock the boat.
