Trying Something New
When you're trying to make a change, do something different, learn a new skill, what can help set you up for success? My answer? The right mindset can help a lot.
Transcript
Let's say you are inspired to do something different in your relationships. Maybe you're ready to take that next big step and open up, or maybe you've been non-monogamous for a few years, but you wanna change the kind of non-monogamy you're practicing, or maybe you wanna dig in and really change how you're relating to the people you love. You're committed to healing in your relationships and creating secure attachments. And you're seeing that you wanna make some changes to make things better. How do you set yourself up for success? If you're trying something new,
So how many of you have had the experience of trying something new only to have it go terribly? Have you, I have, what did you do then? Did you stick with it or did you give up and decide after one try eye that it just wasn't going to work or it just wasn't for you? So I've been a swing dancer for 20 years now. And I remember the first time I went to a social dance. I think I actually fell down on my butt several times, but of course, I kept at it and now I can just a song can come on. I can grab a partner and I, I can just dance without even thinking about it in terms of relationship skills. I remember when I was first learning how to do active listening, which is this thing where you reflect back what the person you're listening to is saying to you in order to demonstrate your understanding, and also just really focus on what they're saying instead of formulating your response, which is what a lot of people are doing when they're listening.
You know, they're like, half listening. Active listening is really just focusing on the person and then reflecting back what you're hearing. It's a great communication tool. But when I was in the middle of a heated discussion with one of my family members at the time I tried to pull out this active listening and the family member just looked at me and said, don't talk to me like a therapist. And I felt so discouraged and embarrassed, but here's the thing. When you try something new, you may fall flat on your face, but does that mean that the thing you're trying doesn't work? Your answer is probably no. No, of course not. But I can't tell you how many times I offer a client, mine, something new to try in their relationship and they try it once and then complain that it didn't work and just throw up their hands, feeling helpless.
As we get older, I think we start to forget how to practice new things. We have become so capable at so many things that maybe feel so basic to us now that we've forgotten that once they were really hard. I mean, can you remember when you were young and you had your first crush and how awkward and uncomfortable that feels. Okay. Well, now that might actually feel really present to you at the moment. That might be a bad example. I regularly see polyamory memes about how awkward we still are around our crushes. So, okay. But like, do you remember when you were even younger and you didn't even know how to make a friend? I mean, have you seen little kids try to make friends with each other? They just go up to each other and they go, Hey, do you wanna be friends?
And it's so sweet and guileless, but it's also kind of awkward. I know tons of people who talk about their early days of polyamory as a lot of falling flat on their faces. One friend even calls his first year of polyamory, his year of grand mistakes. But I mean, obviously you, even as an adult, you'll get past those beginner moments and you get better. And until you do, it takes a consistent and deliberate commitment to keep trying to get good at something. Sometimes you might really have a knack for something and it might just click right away. But just because it doesn't mean you shouldn't try a few more times. Another thing I think is that we don't approach skills feel like relating to others maybe the same way we approach learning something like yoga or playing the piano. They aren't that different though.
And just like, it takes repetition to get good at free throws or perfecting your handstand. It also takes practice to get good at things like apologizing. Oh, but here is the difference when we've gotten really super good at something we can say we've mastered it. And Malcolm Gladwell, whose author of many books, including one called outliers, says that to become a true master of something, you need to practice it for about 10,000 hours. That's like practicing something for 40 hours a week for nearly five years. Now what I want you to do is think about the age you are currently and think about how many hours, weeks, and years you've had practicing the things that have gotten you to where you are now. And you might not wanna be where you are now. You might want something different. It's not just that you're trying something new that you have no practice at, but also you are very likely, very, very good at the thing you are trying to change.
We come into adulthood with so many broken scripts about relationships and monogamy and conflict and communication and love, gender, and sexuality. And we not only have to learn new ways of doing things, but we also have to unlearn what we've been doing since before we were old enough to choose. It's like learning a new language, it's complicated and it can get compounded. If you're trying to change a set in path pattern that exists in a relationship that you're in, because that's a dance that both of you are participating in and reinforcing and maintaining, and you can change the dance by doing some different steps. You can change the whole dance for both of you, but also you're probably gonna trip over your feet and then over your partners. And then your partner might do their move. That might cause you to do your move. And again, it becomes self-reinforcing, you're probably gonna fall back into old patterns when you're trying something new because those are the ones that you have practiced so well that you know them by heart.
And they're in your muscle memory because of how I was raised. By the time I was an adult, I had a lot of practice being hypercritical of myself. I had a lot of practice saying whatever was in my head with no filter. And I had a lot of practice being right in every single argument and getting the last word. I turned these things around for myself. Most, mostly, mostly, but it took time and effort and deliberate practice. What I don't want you to do. And what I've seen happen far too often is when you're trying something new and then it doesn't work, you throw up your hands and give up, or you beat down on yourself and tell yourself that you just can't change. That you're just stuck like this. It's not true. Instead, here are some tips for being successful and not losing heart.
First, give yourself the mindset that this is a practice except that whatever you're trying might not work, but that doesn't mean that you failed or that it was a bad practice. You had the opportunity to practice something new and you tried it and you did something different than what you usually do. Maybe it felt awkward. Maybe it felt unnatural. Maybe it was way outside your comfort zone. It's still a success it's still worth celebrating. Even if you didn't get the result that you were looking for the first time, second, become a scientist approach, this new thing, you're trying like an experimenter, introducing a new variable. You are doing something different and new. And instead of getting discouraged, when it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, take notes on what does happen, how did you doing something different impact things. If you aren't noticing a big difference, what small differences can you observe and how did it feel to do it?
Also, scientists repeat their experiments multiple times to replicate their results, to not attempt an experiment more than once is just bad science y'all. And, and I wanna be clear, not everything is for everybody. And not every practice that I'm gonna offer you is gonna be the thing that works for you. Some people try tap dancing or Japanese rope for the first time. And it really, really isn't for them, you know, but it's not just that they aren't good at it yet. It, it also is that it just doesn't feel very good or it's not enjoyable, but it's even then it's still worth keeping an open mind and investigating the discomfort to see what's underneath. Next loop the people you care about into what you're working on is especially true. If you're working on a new relationship skill, one thing I'm going to talk about more is how to deescalate conflicts in relationships.
And so let's say you're practicing that. And you're in the middle of a difficult conversation with a loved one. And you notice you're, you're getting pretty flooded and you are practicing taking a break instead of letting things continue to get heated and escalate, it can be really helpful to let your partner know what you're doing by saying something like, Hey, like I know we'd usually keep talking until we both feel better or until we both are exhausted, but noticing that I'm getting worked up. And so what I wanna try is to take a break and cool down, can we just go to sleep now and come back to the discussion in the morning, looping your partner in so that they know what's happening when you're doing something different, helps them have a practice mindset and keep an open mind instead of like freaking out and going, oh, what's going on?
You know? Okay. And then the last thing is where it makes sense. Invite your partner into the practice with you. I mean, if you're trying out Japanese rope, make sure that your partners are into that, but even if they aren't, you can let them know what you're working on and invite them to support you. An important thing here is to invite them. Don't pressure them or demand that they join you or get on board with whatever you want. But especially if it's something you're working on to be a better partner, it can help your partner to know how they can best respond. That would be supportive. So if you're practicing something like self-soothing, while you're struggling with jealousy feelings, you can let your partner know, Hey, I would love it. If you acknowledge that I'm not asking for as much reassurance right now, when you go on a date though when you're inviting your partner to help you make sure that you keep the feedback constructive and really just try to appreciate them.
If they try, I don't want you to get caught in a situation where your success and the thing that you're practicing is contingent on your partner, responding perfectly because they're trying something new too. So keep the focus as much as you can on your part and ask them for feedback on how it's working for them. Having a practice mindset in relationships can really help you when you're trying to make a change or turn things around for yourself or in your partnerships. When you try something new, it isn't going to be perfect. And it's probably not even going to work the first time. Like I'm a big, big fan of active listening y'all and if you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry a podcast is coming soon about it, but if you've never done it before, it feels awkward and nobody teaches you this stuff.
When I was trying it out on that family member, I was totally doing it in a way that was stilted and unnatural sounding. So of course they responded badly, but it also is a totally awesome and amazing communication skill. A lot of the podcasts coming to you over the next several months are going, going to have relational practices that have helped me. They've helped my partners, my friends, and my clients, but it's not like you can just have an insight and hear what needs to happen and then do it once. And it's gonna work like magic. It is more like tending a garden, planning, something here, tending to it, watering it, weeding out the stuff that you don't want overtime. The practices that I have planted in my life have born amazing fruit, but it takes time. And I know the same can be true for you. If you have a practice mindset.
