The Other Half of Good Communication
Learning how to listen better is so important to being a great partner, friend, parent, child, coworker, etc. In this episode, Libby offers some advanced tips on how to be an awesome listener.
Transcript
I'd like you to take a moment and think about the last time you were truly deeply listened to. Where someone was clearly just focusing on you, taking in your perspective, really, just interested in trying to get you and your world. How did that feel? My bet is it felt amazing. And yet I think none of us gets that enough in our lives or our relationships far too often in a conversation. There are a lot of talkers and no listeners, and I get it. We all have so much to share so many brilliant things to say, and forget about it when you're in a fight, right? How often are you listening to your partner, complain about something you did and you're already formulating your response before you've even let them finish. This is so common and easy to fall into. It's also one reason why small agreements can blow up into huge fights, but I want you to go back to remembering how it feels to be truly deeply listened to how healing that is, how connecting that's the gift that I want you to learn, how to give your people today.
Before I go deep into this practice of being a great listener, I also want to speak to the folks who already think and have been told that they are good listeners. You know who you are. You think you're a good listener because you rarely insert yourself into a conversation. And maybe you end up often surrounded by people who are comfortable taking up all the available space, and maybe they even talk at you and rarely ask you questions. This practice is actually for you too, because instead of just remaining passive, this form of listening involves you, participating, engaging in this way helps you to be truly present with the other person because let's be honest. I suspect many of you are also formulating your responses while the other person is talking. It's just that maybe you think more slowly or you have more filters, so you don't manage to get out what you want to say and then the moment passes and the opportunity feels lost. And then maybe you tell yourself that nobody wants to listen to you because if they did surely they would make more space. But this practice is also for you because you deserve a turn to be deeply listened to and you need someone to make a lot of space for you to think. And you, you need someone to ask you lots of questions and express deep interest and care for what you have to say. So if you have a partner or a friend or a loved one who you feel like doesn't listen to you very well, and you want to be able to take up more space, just send this podcast over to that person. You can say, I love you. I love us. And I want us to get better at listening to each other. Can we practice this together?
In case you haven't figured it out, remember on Tuesday where I talked about active listening, well, that's what I'm going to go into now. I figured it would be useful to folks who haven't heard of it. And even if you have heard of active listening, think you do it well. I've got some advanced moves that might uplevel the experience for you. As I go through the steps in just a second, you may notice that I often talk about listening to your partner, and I'm mainly framing using active listening in a difficult conversation. I think this kind of listening is universally valuable, and I encourage you to practice it with everyone, wherever you can, in difficult conversations and cocktail conversations, truly deeply listening to people is an amazing experience. And I'm saying this as a person who used to be really great at taking up all the space in a conversation.
Yeah, that's me. You have the opportunity to learn so much and you really just listen. And it also makes the people who you listen to feel really amazing and important and seen, which is a thing so many of us deeply long for. So here we go. First, you need the right mindset. You are listening, understand you are not in self protect mode and you are not in performance mode. In fact, it's not about you at all. You are listening to get all the information you can about what your loved one is saying so that you can be as connected to them as possible. It's so easy also to flip into the mode where you're listening and asking questions, but you end up sounding more like a prosecutor cross-examining a witness. Instead, I want you to be curious. Curiosity is magical for creating connection, developing trust, and making it safe for someone to open up to you.
Your face will look different when you are engaging with curiosity, your pupils actually dilate. Curiosity is also soothing to your nervous system and helps you keep out of reactivity, but okay, Libby, that's great and all, but how do I actually shift to being curious, when my partner is like complaining about me, well, you know what I'm gonna say, first of all, take a deep breath and ground yourself and set that emotional boundary, create that little bit of distance, but then I want you to do one other small thing. I'd like you to just shift your body. If you're sitting or standing and you notice that your torso or your shoulders are rigid instead, settle into your body and relax, and then tilt your head slightly sideways to the right. This is actually a hack. It's a signal to your brain that you are now in curiosity mode.
Next, just listen to your partner, make a lot of space to hear them. But periodically break in and engage with questions to get more information, open-ended questions are the best ones. And they start with the words. What, where, when, and how, what made you think that? Where did you go next? How long have you been feeling this way, then periodically summarize what the other person is saying in your own words and check to see if you've got it right? It's good to use a phrase like what I'm hearing is, or it sounds like you're saying, oftentimes you're able to reflect back on what your partner's saying. They will light up like a Christmas tree and say, that's it exactly. And that's how you know, you've nailed it. And that's really all there is to the basics of active listening, ask questions and reflect back to what the person is saying and stay curious.
Now, here are some advanced-level moves first after you've been told you got it. Ask, is there anything else? Is there more you want me to hear? And then shut up and wait. So often there is something else, but you have to ask for it and then give them space to think. But offering is a tremendous gift. It is making even more room for the people you love to really have a chance to connect with you and tell you what's on their mind. Next. If your intuition is calling to you, offer up things that you suspect your partner feels or thinks, but isn't saying if you get this right, it demonstrates that you really get them and their perspective. And even if you get it wrong, it shows your partner that you're really seeking to understand them. The key thing here is to pose it as a hypothetical.
Again, never tell your partner what they feeling and not saying that's super not cool. And it's kind of gas Lighty instead say things like you haven't said this, but I'm wondering if another thing that's going on here is, or something like that. Also call out things you're observing. So if you notice your partner's expressing things in an upset tone, you can say, it sounds like you're really upset about that. Or, it sounds like this really hurts. Again. Don't make these statements as statements of certainty. You want to stay out of telling your partner what they feel. Another great thing to do here is if it feels right, offer empathy or validation, let them know that you can totally understand how they feel or why they're thinking what they are thinking. This is different from agreeing with their point of view.
You don't have to agree to empathize. My favorite phrase is when I want to empathize with my partner and show them. I understand, even though I don't agree with their thinking are I can see that, or it makes sense that you would feel that way. Again, all you're doing is wanting to validate them. It's not about you. If you can do these next level moves, I think you'll be amazed with the results, but that doesn't have to be the end of it. I think this practice of listening can stand on its own because often just being heard is all a person wants. A lot of us tend to jump in fixing or defending our point of view, or if it's not a problem, just sharing what's going on with us or otherwise inserting ourselves. But for your partner, really being heard or being centered would be so much better for them.
But if you have a response, a thought an idea after you've listened deeply, of course you can offer that it's connecting, continue the conversation. But I usually ask to do that. Like I'll say I have some things I'd like to say in response, is that okay? Or what you've said really connects to something that's going on with me? Can I share that then hopefully as you respond, you'll get a turn to be listened to. And the person you're talking to will take all the steps I've gone over for you. Now, a few caveats about this practice. First basic level, active listening means you have to take turns. This is so important. So when you're in the listener role, your only job is to listen because of this. It might feel a little bit like you're setting your and your concerns aside for a moment to totally focus on someone else, which might not feel fair to you.
I encourage you to strongly let go of that feeling. Especially if you're the sort of person who generally feels comfortable taking up space in a conversation and as good at advocating for yourself in a disagreement, you probably aren't as good at listening to others as you think you are. And even if you're good at hearing what people have to say, you're probably not good at making them feel heard, which is a totally different skill. And this practice addresses that your brain may work really fast as synthesizing what someone is telling you and then responding quickly. But the other person doesn't know that what they know, all they know is that they said something to you, and then you shot right back at them with your response. This practice helps you slow down and not only quiets your thoughts. So you can take in what someone else is telling you, but then lets the other person really feel like you get what they're telling you.
And that will make them more open to hearing your response. It'll also probably make your response better. If you notice that people in your life are often repeating themselves to you and you're like, oh my God, I get it. You probably need to practice active listening. Another thing, which if you listen in to my podcast on Tuesday, I touch on. When you get very good at active listening, it will feel very natural and you can insert little bits of it in a more free-flowing, give and take conversation. But if this practice is totally new to you, it's going to feel structured and clunky and unnatural and slow. You're likely to resist it and maybe fall into some of the traps I talked about earlier. Remember my story about the first time I tried it and what a failure that was. I feel it's so important for me to acknowledge this because a lot of people who teach active listening may get out to be some kind of magic bullet, particularly for diffusing a conflict, which it kind of is, but it really takes practice before you get it such that it really starts to work for you.
Lastly, it's great to get the people in your life on board with this practice. If you can find people who are willing to collaborate on practicing this with you, it can really help you get better at it. I encourage you to ask to practice with someone you trust in a moment that isn’t superheated, but where you need to talk about or revisit something that's difficult. And then just give it a go. Learning how to listen better is so important to being a great partner or a great friend or parent or child or coworker. I believe if we all listen to each other more and more deeply, we would understand each other better, feel more connected. And I'm gonna go ahead and say, the world would just generally be a much more peaceful place. So I hope this practice helps you. And I'd love to hear how it goes.
