Intentional vs. Incidental Time
Love is infinite, but time is not, and the struggle is real. In this episode, Libby offers a frame for looking at time that may be at the root of some of your challenges around time, and some creative ideas how to navigate time limitations by looking at not just the amount, but the type of time you're spending with the people you love.
Transcript
So there are definitely more than just two types of time that you can spend with someone. There are lots of different kinds of time. There's leisure time. There's work time. There's playtime. There's family time. There's resting time. There's deep, deep processing time. And if you listen to my latest episode, there's business time and that's just to name a few, but I really wanna zero in on these two broader categories, intentional time and incidental time, because I think they are at the root of a lot of tension that can show up in polyamorous relationships. So first, let me just define these for you. So what do I mean by intentional time? Intentional time is the kind that goes on your calendar. It's usually one on one and you preserve space and energy for it. You clearly define it. You commit to it. And hopefully, it's something you're looking forward to what this often looks like in intimate partnerships is date nights.
Okay. So that's, that's usually what we're talking about here, but the hallmark of intentional time is that it is planned, prescribed, protected, and prioritized. Okay. Incidental time is the kind of time together that just happens. It's not the same thing as spontaneous quality time, because that's more, that's kind of a gray area between intentional and incidental, but it is intentional in that you have, have to create it. Incidental time is time that you don't have to create it's time. That just happens in the, in-between moments like doing dishes after a meal or sitting on the couch together. And the TV just happens to be on or brushing your teeth together before bed. And the thing about incidental time is that you're not on it's time together, where you're just existing. And because of that, for many people, incidental time can actually feel very intimate because you are just being, I want you to spend a minute now, now that I've defined these two different kinds of time, and I want you to think just for a moment about your various relationships and reflect on what that balance of incidental versus intentional time is with your different partners.
What do you get a lot of with a certain person? What do you wish you had more of?
So I'll say that if you don't live with a partner, it's likely that most of the time you have together is intentional time because unless you work together or live really close by to each other, or have some other shared endeavor like maybe childcare, you'll probably only see each other. If you create an intentional plan to do it. And again, this can include spontaneous plans because you still have to have intentionality there. If you do live with a partner, it can happen that most of the time that you have together is incidental time. You wake up and the other one's there, you eat in the same spaces. You share domestic chores or childcare. Even when you have downtime the other is still somewhere in your space unless they have plans. It's easy to go pop into a room where your partner is and strike up a conversation on the fly. And there's a real beauty to both incidental and intentional time, but often in polyamory, they can get out of balance because we're balancing these multiple relationships. We're balancing our time and it can especially get out of balance. If one relationship that you have is a nested partnership and one or more of your relationships is not a nested partnership.
So the pitfalls you can run into with a nested partner is that you might presume that incidental time, which may be quite expansive, can somehow replace intentional time. And I see this a lot, this idea that, Ugh, we're together all the time. Why do you need a date night or we're together all the time? Why are you getting so upset about me spending just a couple of hours with my other partner this week? It feels so unfair. But not all time has the same amount of quality. There are 168 hours in a week. I know it's, it's painful to, to, to know all the number of hours in a week, but it's something it's something worth being present to when you're thinking about time. So in those 168 hours, I might only get to see my non-nested partner for six of those hours, maybe.
And I might theoretically get to see my nested partner for like 50 of those hours per week, but 48 of those might be like me dragging my ass around in the morning or eating dinner together with our kids or zoning out together on the couch with our phones or a whole host of other things. A lot of the conversations that I might end up having with someone I live with may not end up very deep or emotionally connect, but might be more about like, who needs to take out the garbage or how we're gonna handle discipline with one of our kids or, you know, talking over a financial decision. It's just not the same as having dedicated, planned time together when you're just enjoying each other and intentionally connecting as, you know, two adults, as opposed to all of the other things that you are to each other when you live together.
And yet it is so common for nested partners to end up with very little or no intentional time for each other. What can happen is that one or both partners put the time put making that time. <Affirmative> last on the list of priorities they take for granted that the expansive incidental time and the commitment that is demonstrated through the decision to live together, to sharing the business of life with each other, that that will be enough to sustain the relationship. And I'm here to tell you it is not, it is possible to live with someone and see them all the time, but feel like they have no time for you. And it, it can feel really super crummy to be the person that you're doing. All of the business stuff with all of the life stuff with, and then watch your partner, go spend all of their joy energy with someone else that kind of setup can lead to a lot of resentment.
And, you know, feeling like you don't matter, ironically, non-nested partners may find themselves truly envious of all the incidental time that nested partners have with each other. I know I've felt that when I've dated people that I don't live with for one, because non-nested partners are getting a very specific, measured time with their partners. That incidental time that comes from living together probably feels like so much more. And when you can really measure the number of hours you spend with your partner each week, it can feel like a small amount. And a planned time with a planned activity together can also feel, you know, like very on time. So a non-nested partner might find themselves sort of craving the ease and the intimacy of being off of being able to just be together to share domestic things. If you're craving a deeper intimacy and enmesh with your partner, you might see more incidental time as a way to create that this might not be true for everyone, but for me, I get a lot of meaning and connection from being over to partner's house and just doing his dishes.
I find a lot of meaning from just like knowing that I can be in someone's space and they don't have to, you know, necessarily entertain me or you know, cater to me or anything like that. I remember one important moment in one of my partners and Maya's relationship. I was on a date with them and suddenly I got very, very sick. It was just very, very clear that I was not well and I needed to go home right away. And I was getting a car ride home, and they really, really wanted to go home with me and tend to me and take care of me while I was sick, rather than just letting me go home and expecting my nesting partner to take care of me, that level of intimacy and access to my life was important to me, depending on the relationship you're looking for, being able to just share normal everyday life stuff, or, you know, that intensive care work with partners that we don't live with can be a really important way to grow closer and feel more secure in the relationship, now, you know, there are a lot of different things that you can do to sort of rebalance things.
One of the most obvious and straightforward things you can do in the case of not having enough intentional time with a nested partner is to just schedule some, schedule some date nights. In my last episode, I encouraged you to know, setting up a business meeting, setting aside a time to talk weekly about the business aspects of your relationship. I also think it's a good idea to have a regular date night so that those things are clearly separate, but that you're not just making time for the business stuff. You're also making time for the fun stuff. And this can be, you know, in the daytime or in the evening, depending on your schedules, but it really does need to be intentional. And that means that it needs to be planned. It needs to be sacred time that you prioritize and protect, and that you have some kind of plan together of what you're gonna do that you're excited about.
It doesn't have to be something super fancy. You don't have to go have some peak experience every time, like going out to a super fancy restaurant or going to a concert, you know, and those things are, you know, little less accessible right now, depending on where you are with coronavirus, but it does need to be something that you're excited about and that you put some effort into getting ready for because I think a, a thing that can happen with planned date nights for any partner honestly, is that, oh, well, it just kind of comes around on the calendar and you, it kind of sneaks up on you and it's not something that you put a lot of effort or intention towards. And I think it's really important. Like if you have a date night with your nesting partner, that you do something around that, make it a thing, you know, and it can be, you dress up and you drink some fancy wine together on your front porch.
If you just put it on the calendar. And that's the only thing you do, that's not quite enough. I also wanna offer though that in addition to the date night, which is something that is so widely prescribed, there are other ways to, to clear your incidental time a little bit and make it feel more intentional. The first idea on how to do this. I actually got it from like a parenting blog written by a woman named Janet Lansbury. And if you are a parent, especially of small, small, small kids, Janet, Lansbury's amazing. She's got a podcast she's incredible. But she suggested, and I read this in blog years and years ago that if you're engaging in the business of childcare, you know, changing diapers, you know feeding, rocking to sleep, all those different kinds of things that you can do when, when kids are very small, especially when they're babies that you make, these essential activities, a connecting experience, rather than something to just sort of get through.
So instead of say changing a diaper and doing that in a very businesslike way, just sort of like, you know, okay, let's take the old diaper off, let's wipe the bottom, let's put the new diaper on and that's it. You make the diaper change, a connecting activity. You talk to the baby, you co with them, you touch them in a loving way while also doing the necessary messy business, you know? And so you really slow down with it, take your time with it and be with your child in that moment. Talk 'em through it. So this is something you can do with things besides diaper changes. You can do this with other kinds of incidental time, other ways in which you share time with the person you live with and still make it a pleasurable or connecting time. And the nice thing is is that then some of that work that you do together doesn't feel like work, maybe it doesn't wear you out or drain, drain your energy as much.
And maybe it's something you actually can enjoy doing together. So, you know, an example might be maybe you normally take turns doing the dishes, you know, whoever cooks, they don't have to do the dishes or whatever, maybe instead of that have a night where you do them together. And one of you washes and the other one dries or, or one of you rinses and the other one loads them in the dishwasher or whatever. But during that time, you are also engaged with one another and you're talking and you're keeping each other company and again, make it intentional rather than just, oh, that happened to happen. Make it more something that you know is gonna happen or that you ask to have happened. I mean, I've done it a bunch, I've said, you know, Hey, would you come hang out with me while I chop onions? Or, you know, could you sous chef with me while I cook and, and sharing that experience together may be what you need to do is you need to reorganize your closet. And so you could make that a shared activity and heck, you know, you can make it sexy. You know, you have sex in the closet afterward, after you're all done is kind of a reward. So, I mean, there are a lot of different ways you can take incidental time or, you know, work time on and fun time and make it more fun.
So it can be a little bit, it can feel maybe a little bit trickier to create more incidental time with non-nested partners, but you could do that too. And you don't have to, you know, move in together in order to create that. And you don't even necessarily have, have to like relocate and move closer together. Although, you know, if that's something that you really want that's possible and desirable, although again, I've sort of pointed out earlier a thing that can happen when you're nested together is that all of a sudden, a lot of that intentional time can just end up going away. So it's not necessarily a, a perfect cure all although I'm planning a whole separate episode on cohabitation, so stay tuned for that one. So another thing you can do though well, I mean the first one is you can go on a trip together, so that can be really meaningful to go on a trip with a partner that you don't live with.
A thing that I have really loved doing actually is going on a family together. So my family and my partner's family have gone to stay at a beach house together. And it's just been so lovely and treasured to just share all of that in-between time with our kids, with each other. And I mean, we get a lot less intentional time during that time. In fact, I think that it was very, very limited during that time, but it just felt so sweet and connecting. But you know, that kind of thing like trips and being able to, you know, stay in a whole separate house together that might not be available or accessible to everyone due to time and cost and again, the coronavirus. But there are some other ways you can create in incidental time together. One thing you could do is you could just invite the other over for a staycation at your house.
You know, like you could just spend some time together co-working or whatever, depending on if your other housemate's nesting partners are okay with that. One of my partners did this while they stayed at my house over the holidays for several days. And, you know, during that time they were just kind of living with us, you know, I didn't treat them like a guest. I didn't, you know, they just kind of like were just there. And there were a lot of in-between moments where we just were just around each other and it was really nice. Another thing that can be nice is co-working together. If you're able to do that, you know, so set up places where you can both have a comfortable workstation in one of your homes, and it's not a date you're not spending time together. You're just there to work, but of course, you can, you know, have little coffee and cuddle breaks or whatever, and that can be really nice if you're not able to get together in person.
You can also do this kind of co-working thing, you know, over video chat or over you know, while you're on the phone or something like that. I've done this with friends where like, I'm just in the kitchen cooking dinner and they're just on video chat, cooking dinner too. And we're just chatting here and there as we go. And that can be really nice. Another possibility is to just, you know, plan on being at the same event or the same space or the same activity, but not having that be a date together. You know, so other people might be around, you know, you could take a class together, you could do some other activity. That's not about like together time, but you just both happen to be there and share the experience. And that might be again, a little less accessible with coronavirus, but you can do these online too.
You know, there are a lot of different activities online and it can just be really nice to be able to share that with someone, without it being like, you know, again, this, this planned it's us time. Another thing that I mentioned earlier that can be really nice is to just straight up sharing or trading domestic tasks. So, you know, you come over here while I reorganize the pantry and, you know, we just hang out and maybe you help me do that, or come watch my kids with me or I'll weed while you mow the lawn. What's important here is that you don't, I expect or put pressure on yourself for anything to happen or anyone to have like a good time. You're not, again, you're not entertaining each other. You're not on the goal is just to be together and not make it some kind of event.
So whatever you decide to do, I mean, you do kind, kind of have to plan it, but you can also try to keep it super low-key. So these are just a few ideas and I have a feeling that some of y'all, some of my lovely listeners maybe have come up with a few creative ways that I haven't thought of to make intentional time more incidental and make incidental time more intentional. And so I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to know how you handle this. If you want to share and have a conversation about it, please join the conversation on Facebook. I'm gonna be posting this episode on my Facebook page. And so I would love to have a conversation about it in the comments with you. So to recap, not all time is equal. And when you have a lot of one kind of time and not a lot of another kind of time, whether it's intentional time or incidental time, the grass might look greener on the other side of the fence. And there is truth to that feeling. So it's worth acknowledging that. And also being with the fact that we all have a limited amount of time. And so we might have to get creative on how to navigate time with our different kinds of relationships and their configurations. But by doing that, we can deepen our relationships and make everyone feel valued and connected in the ways that they want to.
