How to NRE
Is the thought of a new relationship exciting -- or terrifying? In this episode, Libby goes into what happens when you're in a new relationship and all wrapped up in its energy, and offers some practical tips on how to navigate it.
Transcript
When you think about a special someone right now, does your heart start to pound? Do you feel lightheaded or like there are butterflies in your stomach. Are you excited and anxious and scared and alive all at once? Then this episode might be for you, even in a pandemic, new relationships are happening and building and growing. And so I want to offer something to those of you who are in this phase. It's also just high time that I talked about new relationship energy or N R E. So that's what I'm going to talk about today.
I can remember when I first heard about the term NRE which again, stands for new relationship energy. I heard about it from my polyamorous best friend, and I thought it was funny that polyamorous folks had to come up with their very own jargon to describe what I think is already a pretty well-defined experience with so many names. I mean, we can call it NRE we can call it Twitter painted. We can call it infatuated. We can call it a crush, a squish. We can say swept off your feet, head over heels. Or if you're getting fancy, you can use the word limerance. So, okay. Yes. These words all mean slightly different things and there's some context behind each one, but they're all ways of saying that you're in love. Okay. I've noticed though that some people don't wanna say in love, they really like NRE, it feels more specific to them.
Now, this might be because you're a romantic or somewhere closer to aro on the spectrum. And so it just doesn't land with you to say that you're in love. Although I think even aro folks still get squishy inside and excited and all butterfly about people. It might just not be romantic love. It might just be, you know, excitement about a new person. So that might be why and love doesn't work for the rest of us. I think we may be uncomfortable saying in love sometimes because we're socially conditioned to think that being in love is some very big deal. So the point where some folks don't even wanna name it, they're afraid to say it when they feel it and even refer to it as the dun dun dun L word, though, I personally prefer the other L word, am I right? just the phrase in love.
I get it. It comes with so much cultural baggage and hidden scripts about what you're supposed to do with that. And perhaps that is why polyamorous folks felt the need to give a more specific and maybe a little more measured label to that feeling that we get for the sake of this episode, while it may feel imperfect to you, I'm going to use in love and NRE pretty interchangeably. And that is an intentional choice. If that's gonna throw you off, I want to invite you into the idea that being in love. Doesn't actually have to be a very big deal since you're already hopefully challenging norms about what modern Western colonial culture has told you about what a relationship is supposed to be. And what's supposed to be important to you about it. Consider that preferring a jargony term like NRE. Instead of just saying in love of is rooted in the idea that love is this scarce, precious, elevated thing, instead of something that we're just made of that's abundant.
And that is meant to be flowing through us all the time. The idea that being in love means that we have to uproot ourselves, build our lives around a person, join our finances and our housing, and of course make babies. And then of course, legally lock all that down with a contract. That's not natural. That's programming. Well, okay. Making the babies is a biological drive, but the rest is programming and it's programming that has been designed by powerful institutions to intent. Keep us from truly tapping into the abundance of love, our heart connection to others. And instead, to keep us isolated and anxious and disconnected, I wanna invite you instead into the idea that if you love someone or are in love with someone that there's no particular thing you're supposed to do that beyond just feeling it and maybe celebrating it. And then after you felt it and really honored that feeling in yourself, you can decide what, if anything you wanna create out of that, okay, I'm gonna stop my lecture here on this particular topic.
But if you want more, Carsie Blanton a singer songwriter who I, adore she's got wonderful music that you can find on Spotify. And she's also openly non-monogamous and she has a blog and she's written beautifully on this topic. Her post is called. I love you. And it's no big deal. And I highly recommend you check that out and there'll be a link in the description for you to find it. Okay? So you're in love. You're Twitter painted you're in NRE. You've got stars in your eyes. What the heck is going on there? It's important to know that your brain physically literally changing is when you're in NRE scientists have done numerous studies on people, putting them into an FMRI or a functional magnetic resonance imaging device, which is designed to show what parts of the brain are working under certain conditions. One thing scientists have found is that areas of your brain that super light up when you're in NRE are the parts of your brain that are tied to your motivation and reward system.
Some other things that are driven by your motivation and reward system include things like eating your favorite food, shopping, getting likes on Facebook, et cetera. Some scientists highlight that the areas of your brain that light up when you're in NRE are also the same brain areas that get activated during drug use, and that are implicated in models of addiction. Now, I am not saying this to say that being in love is the same as being addicted more to highlight that they're both part of the same brain system. And that system is very, very powerful. The primary neurotransmitter involved in your motivation and reward system is something you may have heard of. It's called dopamine and dopamine is just really powerful stuff. Scientists used to think that dopamine makes you feel enjoyment and pleasure because it's so highly associated with that. And that is what motivates you to seek out certain behaviors, such as food, sex, and drugs.
However, subsequent research has shown that dopamine is more about triggering the behavior that causes you to seek out pleasure. And it's more about the anticipation of pleasure, not the actual experience of it. So it's not the system that turns on when you're eating chocolate ice cream. It's, what's activated when you see the ice cream shop. When you go inside, when you pick out your flavor, when you pay the money and when you hold that cone in your hand, ready to take a lick. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that makes you want desire, seek search for fight, for pleasure. It increases your general level of arousal and your gold behavior. Dopamine also makes you more curious and more eager for new ideas and connections. There are other neurotransmitters associated with NRE besides dopamine though, and it's worth mentioning them. There's norepinephrine, which can literally make you feel high.
There's also oxytocin and vasopressin are more associated with bonding and attachment. These are the same hormones that get released in high quantities in new mothers and their babies when they're bonding, when the, when the baby's born. But I think dopamine is a really big one that you need to pay attention to because that in love stage is the place where you want. You want, you want, but you aren't sure if you actually have anything yet, that's because it's new and there can be a lot of anxiety when you're in NRE. You ask yourself, oh, did they like me? As much as I like them, will we find some deal breaker in our relationship? How far can this go go too far? What will it be like? Would we kiss again? What will be, what will sex be like, will we, when will we get those next few hours together, et cetera, you get the idea.
It's worth saying that dopamine is a big driver of human achievement and survival. And also, as I said before, it's also a driver of spending hours on social media, media, shoving coins into a slot machine and stealing money for your next fix. It is powerful stuff that doesn't mean it's bad, or that NRA is the same as being addicted to cocaine. But it's worth being aware that it can really turn you inside out, which is why we often feel so up when we're in love. I both love and hate NRE. I love, love, and being in love. I just, I love connecting to my heart and connecting my heart to other people's hearts. I hate the way that my brain gets in an obsessive loop that can prevent me from thinking about anything else and the uncertainty and anxiety while thrilling also just stresses me the out.
I don't really enjoy confronting all of my insecurities. The whole experience, just be exhausting but some people really love the high and I get it. It feels amazing, but it's important to know that your brain is literally high jacked. And the theory is that our body does this to our brain, with all these hormones and all of these neurotransmitters, they do it to get us bonded enough, to make offspring and then stay together long enough for the baby to be born successfully. And maybe be like walking before it all wears off. And it's important that you know that no matter what, no matter how in love you are, no matter how compatible you are, no matter how perfect everything feels right now, NRE does wear off. It generally has a shelf life between six months and two years. I think that's because literally all of these chemicals hitting your body all the time, bombarding you, there's only so long.
You can take that. I, I have seen it last longer than two years. But usually there has to be something that's keeping the uncertainty alive. Either there's distance, there's instability. Maybe there's a lot of breaking up and making up, or maybe there's other relationships that push and pull on that and make it more complicated and thus unstable. Why am I telling you all this about the science? Because as with everything that is us in a heightened state, being aware of it can help you not get carried away by it. Like I said, I love love. And also being in love can be its own kind of whoosh making you do things that you wouldn't normally do or say things that you wouldn't normally say or make promises that you might not be able to keep. Again, thus being in that altered can be a good thing, too.
It can rattle you out of your comfort zone and cause you to challenge your assumptions. It can open you up to new ideas, but it can also lead you to making decisions that are not in alignment with your long term goals or your best interests. And you can potentially hurt other people that you care about. All of this said <affirmative> being in love is a huge and beautiful part of the human condition. If you're polyamorous or even if you're not, you are bound to experience it at some point, whether it's requited or unrequited. So I have some advice, of course I do. So here's my top advice on how to be an NRE, how to enjoy it, but also how to make it manageable and maybe a little tempered so that you don't completely sail away on it or destroy yourself with it, or end up blowing up your life in ways that you will regret later.
First, as you can guess, I recommend treating NRE with some skepticism. It's an altered state. You can't always see everything and clearly, and so it's worth giving it a little bit of the side eye. It's also not the best place from which to make major life decisions. Everything is amplified. Everything is out of proportion while I think comparing being in love to being addicted might be taking things a bit far. Like addiction causes people to behave in ways that they might not otherwise be. You could also compare it to being in your whoosh, to being in your stress response or just having a big mood swing. My example is premenstrual syndrome. When I am PMSing, I generally feel like everything is awful and I hate everything. And that is not the time to decide to quit my job by a new house or a relationship when I, that state, if I'm not aware that my thoughts are being shaped by my hormones, I may truly believe everything is actually awful and that something desperately needs to change right now.
But if I wait a week, I find that nothing external has changed and yet everything is fine again, because my hormones are in a different place. Similarly, I don't recommend creating joint bank accounts or making major changes to your relationship structures when you are super hopped up on NRE. And yes, I know people do this all the time and maybe you don't wanna wait 18 months to make a commitment to someone or make some big life shift like moving in or whatever at the very least no that there is something coloring your perspective in your decisions and try to find space to cast a cooler eye on major decisions. If they're coming up for you in the state of NRE, but also like other altered states, including some kind of including mood swings, there is a value in seeing things differently. Dopamine may make you relentlessly want and seek pleasure, but it can also open us up to new things.
We can get yanked out of a rut or see something differently, or use it as a gateway to get deeply vulnerable and connected, and that can forever transform us. So don't be afraid of letting it move. You just also remember, it's an altered state. Second thing, take care of your body. All those chemicals cosing through. You can really do a number on your body, altering your sleeping, altering your eating habits, and this can exacerbate the whole experience and make you even more prone to intense mood swings. Also, when you get so hyper focused on one thing, it's just easy to forget, to take care of yourself. So as best you can go to bed on time, do some movement that feels good. Remember to eat nourishing foods, make and keep your doctor's appointments. Take your vitamins, take your medications, et cetera. Don't let your excitement cause you to lose your self care practices because they are essential and you don't wanna be in NRE and also falling apart.
Third, maintain your connections with the other important people in your life. This is said a lot. Don't let your NRE cause you to abandon your O R E or old relationship energy or established relationship, energy, whatever you wanna call it, make sure you're making time, energy, and attention for friends, family, other partners, your kids. If you have them, your pets, et cetera, turn your focus on them to, and try not to talk about your new crush. The whole time a little bit is okay. Keep your commitments and own it. When you fall short. I think everyone has some understanding that NRE can really send you on a journey. And the people that love you may be able to roll with the shift in your energy and attention, but also if they aren't have some compassion for that too, they may be, feel feeling abandoned or they may be feeling a little lost.
And so just be caring towards them in that moment and own it. When you f*cked up. Remember NRE is a temporary state and when it's gone or settled down, you don't want your whole support network to be in tatters on the other side of it. Fourth, it's an energy. So use it. You have all this juice for a new person. Your dopamine system is telling you that you can't get enough right now, but maybe you aren't gonna get to see hot Stein every moment that you want to don't waste the energy. Don't sit around, climbing up walls and spiraling said, use it productively. You can put it into your job, an exercise routine, your connections with the other people you love, or you can use it to create something great works of art, music, poetry, dance, and probably engineering too were created in this state.
Okay. Five. This is gonna be a tough one, but what I want you to do is be willing to be vulnerable. Okay? Let's be real. You have probably got no chill when you're in. So you have a choice here. You can fake it or you can own it. And I get the inclination to fake it. That's what conventional wisdom tells you. You know, make sure you don't text until a few hours after the person texts you or wait a couple days before calling them back or all this game playing, right? And maybe, maybe you're feeling he, and you're afraid just of being too much of being too excited of scaring off your new person. Maybe you wanna fake it because you don't wanna give your new love too much power over you. If you let them know exactly how into them you are, maybe they would take advantage of it.
Okay? But forget it y'all I am a bene brown fan. And I think you don't lose power by authentically showing your heart to someone. I think instead that there is tremendous power in your vulnerability. What I found is that my ability to be vulnerable often blows away the people that I love. And also it makes it safe for them to express all the things that they're feeling too. Also, if your partner runs away because you're so enthusiastic about them. I promise even though that will hurt, that is probably a bullet dodged. This is a saying that I read once that really stuck with me, you will be too much for some people, those people aren't your people. If you start out your relationship with someone trying to squeeze yourself and the bigness of your feelings into a tiny little box to make yourself desirable, you may never feel safe to come out of it.
And then you'll be trapped in a relationship where you can't be your authentic self. Now that doesn't mean that you blurt everything you're thinking and feeling to your partner completely unfiltered. Remember you're in NRE altered state. You might feel a lot of things and wanna say a lot of things that upon closer examination might not be true for you or might be just piling a lot on this person that you love. That's new to you and you're new to them. And that might make them feel pressured or overwhelmed. So also spend some time with your first draft of your feelings. Just also be willing to be brave and say what you really feel, being willing to show where you are, can also be a huge gift to your partner. Your partner may feel the same way, and they may be as afraid as you are to show you where they are, cuz they're afraid of being too much and being too intense.
And if so, your vulnerability can give them permission to be as intense as you are. And if they're in a completely different place or just aren't feeling what they're feeling as intensely as you are, or maybe they're taken aback by your intensity, or maybe they just plain don't know where they are still you letting them know where you are, can help them figure out where they are, where they wanna get to and where they wanna go from here. So again, you're giving them useful information that can guide their next steps. Now of course there is a risk of rejection here, but I think that risk is always there. Whether you show your feelings or not, and if showing your feelings gets you rejected again, that person is just not your person. Number six, be willing to ask your new squeeze for things to help you feel a little better.
Part of what makes NRE both exciting and agonizing is that it is an inherently insecure state. And there's no quick fix for this. I mean it, everything is new. Everything is uncertain. That's just the deal. Security is gonna come with time with building trust, with more experience of the person and seeing if they keep showing up for you and that you keep wanting to show up for them, but you can still ask your crush to make it a little easier for you. Now, I know this idea really leans into that vulnerability, but letting your new person know how to show up for you can help build that trust in security. And it's also a great way to get to know each other better. And by asking for things that you like that can reassure you, make you feel good and create some semblance of safety.
You're also helping them learn how to love you and you can offer to do the same for them too. For me, it was something as simple as asking my beloved to please, Hey, if you are thinking about me and you have a moment, just text me and let know that makes me feel less out on a limb, because I am literally thinking about you all the time. And my partner at the time, he had been holding back on doing that because he didn't wanna inundate me or overwhelm me with all of the times he was thinking about me. And so by me asking for what I wanted, I gave him permission to reach out whenever he, and he knew that it wouldn't be too much, that it would actually be helping me and also him. And that was just one small thing. So I encourage you to really think about what might that be for you, what might really make you feel good?
And it can really be something small and just ask now, be willing to hear, you know, Hey, maybe that person can't do that thing and it's gotta be okay that they say no, or that they might not be able to do that. But again, it can just really help you to let the person know, Hey, I'm kind of out on a limb here and I'm feeling a lot of feelings and just tell me, I'm pretty, tell me you like me. Tell me I'm not being too much, whatever it might be. You know, this is a tricky one, cuz you don't wanna get too insecure, sounding and ask for lots of, you know, reassurance and that kind of thing. I know, but it's also like, again, this is just an inherently insecure state. Everybody's feeling insecure. If somebody's acting chill either they don't care or they're faking it.
So let's just be real with each other and care for each other. So that's what this step is about. Okay. Seven last step. Are you ready? Enjoy it. Being in loveis great. it's scary. It's exciting. It's joyful. It's thrilling. Nail biting amazingness. It's one of the coolest and most celebrated things about being human. It's why we write love songs and poetry and sappy movie scripts that make us cry. I encourage you, of course, to do what you can to make it a little more manageable and treat it with skepticism and not let it drive your decision making. But I still also want you to fly away on it too. And here's a big reason why. Remember what I always say? I think love is how we heal. Remember how I told you that scientists studying the brains of people in love found the parts of the brain that light up are the same parts that light up in an addicted person.
Well, more recent FMRI studies have shown that the brain and love to some other things that don't happen with addiction, for people who are in love as compared with those who aren't the structure of neural networks and how the brain processes information were different. The parts of the brain that integrate information and make connections and expand consciousness were more active. And the parts of the brain that segment and categorize were less. So being in love also enhances the parts of the brain associated with social emotional processing. Now, this is important because while psychologists are increasingly pointing to social isolation and loneliness as being a major cause of addiction, this study seems to show to me that being in love. And this is obvious too. If you think about how you feel when you're in love, being in love can make us feel more connected, not just to the person that is the object of our affection, but really to everyone, to all of humanity and to ourselves to recap, being in love is amazing and powerful, but maybe it doesn't have to be a show stopping once in a lifetime event that completely takes over your whole life.
Maybe instead, it's just something that is part of the human experience. Explain through a lot of neurobiology. So worth paying attention to being a little skeptical of, but also celebrating. It's important to figure out how to integrate it with the rest of your life and make it something manageable instead of something that can be destabilizing or destructive. But also it is beautiful and magical and it does wonderful things to our brains as well as making us feel absolutely wild. And whackadoodle so don't try to explain it away or make it disappear or run away from it or pretend that you're not feeling it instead. I encourage you to see it for what it is and be clear right about it, but also accept it, harness it, cherish it, embrace it and allow it to change you and even heal you.
