It's Business Time
But like, serious business.
Transcript
Oh, yeah. It's business time. It's business time. No, I'm not talking about that kind of business time. I'm talking about serious business. No, really. I'm I'm talking about serious business. What I wanna talk about today on today's episode is having a business meeting for your relationship and how it can make everything better, including business time. Anyway, so that's what we're gonna talk about today.
So I'm excited that I'm gonna be really leasing a whole bunch of new episodes in September. And so keep an eye out for that. I also wanna let you know that I really do love hearing from you, even if I don't email you back. I read every single email that I get and I am so excited to be getting your suggestions. I got an email from someone asking if I could do a podcast episode on parenting and polyamory, and yes, that is something that will be coming up soon. It's a monster of a topic as a parent. It, for me, especially, I feel like I have a lot to say about that subject. So it's been taking me some time to work that out and to really get all of the things that I wanna say. And it might end up being like three episodes, but I want you to know that that's coming out. And so if you have ideas like that, that you love for me to talk about, I love hearing from my listeners. If you have a question you want me to answer, I really love that. So yeah, thank you for your patience and I'm really happy to be back. And without further ado, let's dive into today's topic.
So you may have heard this may be a thousand times, that one important thing that helps make relationships work is good communication. And you've probably heard that especially is true. If you are polyamorous, a lot of polyamorous folks will say what makes our relationships work is good communication. And that is so true, but some people don't understand. There are a lot of elements to quote-unquote good communication and what that actually is. And it's not just being willing to say stuff. It's not even just being a good listener. Although if you have heard my episode on listening and how important it is to being the other side of communication, you know, that that is a huge part of it, but here's another thing it's one thing to communicate well, and it's another thing altogether to find the right time to communicate about the things you need to talk about, you know, and so, you know, sometimes, you know, you can kind of communicate in the flow of your day, but I mean, how many times have you been busy with something or your mind is elsewhere or you're tired and someone wants to bring up something outside of, you know, what's in your flow in the moment to talk about, you know, maybe it's something as simple as, you know, we need to repaint the basement and we need to figure out what color we're gonna paint, or we need to talk about the calendar.
And what we schedule is what our schedule is this week who forgot to do the dishes last week and how that felt. And here's the thing you often need, not just the willingness to communicate that and the tools to communicate all of that well. You also need a good moment to talk about it. Now, if you're someone like me and I have a touch of the ADD combined that with a tendency towards just sort of, you know, verbal diarrhea, not really thinking before I speak, my preference is to just bring up things whenever they occur to me. And if this is you are well understood here. And sometimes that may feel to you bringing things up as they occur to you, or as they, they are present in your mind, that may feel like you're being proactive, may feel like you're addressing things as you see them.
You're making sure they get taken care of, but you've probably had the experience with at least one person in your life that when you do that, it's not necessarily a good time for the other person. And insisting on talking about what you wanna talk about when it's not a good time for the other person can come across as well, just disrespectful of the other person's time and energy and attention. Also, depending on people's processing speeds and, you know, again, what they're focused on and what they're into, they might just not be able to have a good conversation in that moment about what you wanna talk about. Either they might feel caught off guard and they may need some time to catch up to where you are. They may be slower to change gears, or they may just be really low on resources. You know, they may be tired, they may be upset about something else that's bothering them.
They may have just watched a really intense movie who knows. So addressing things in the moment and insisting that they get addressed, you know, when you notice that they need to get brought up can feel, you know, a little bit pushy and it can create kind of a sense of urgency as well. Like if I bring something up and it's not a good moment for my partner maybe I'm worried that, you know, it's just not gonna get brought up again later. It's gonna, you know, maybe, and, and maybe that's even a valid worry, maybe my partner or someone else that I need to have an important conversation with is more avoidant than me. You know, I tend to be the one to bring things up all the time. And so if I don't bring it up and it doesn't get addressed, when I bring it up, then maybe it's not gonna get addressed at all. I can end up feeling, you know, brushed off and then I might persist and push. And that tends to cause tension.
And then of course, there's the folks that I'm talking about here, who are not like me, who maybe are slower to process things. Maybe you are a, as the multiamory folks like to put it, you're a chewer rather than a spewer. And so you like to sit with things for a little bit, you to figure out what you really wanna say before you say it. Maybe also you are a little avoidant, you know, you don't really necessarily wanna bring things up unless they're absolutely necessary. You don't like rocking the boat. Maybe you're also just super sensitive to others and anxious about their reactions. And you really wanna find the right moment to bring something up. If you're spending really pleasant time together, maybe you are afraid of, you know, bringing, you know, bringing something up and having that ruin in the moment, especially this might be true if you're, if this is a non-nested partner, someone you don't live with and you don't have endless amounts of time with maybe the time that you do have, you want it to be special.
And so you avoid bringing up important things because you wanna be able to experience joy together. And you know, if it's your nested partner, if it's someone you do live with, maybe you just don't wanna shake things up because you know, you, you have to live with this person, but you know, there are problems with this too, for one thing, if you're avoiding, because you're worried about how your partner might react to something you need to bring up, you can end up getting resentful. You can end up letting the stories in your head, build up rather than giving your partner a chance to clear things up, be able to work things out. Also sometimes waiting for a good time can lead to just it never being a good time. And so a thing just sits and sits and sits, and then it just doesn't get taken care of when it needs to.
So it can either get to this place where it becomes unavoidable, and that can be upsetting because then it is on fire. Then you absolutely have to deal with it. And maybe the person that you've been avoiding bringing the thing up feels blindsided, or, you know, maybe it comes up accidentally in a not great way. And then your partner feels like you've been holding things back or deceiving them, which can hurt and undermine those feelings of trust and safety. Another thing I'll say here that I've said before is that if you tend to be the more person who tends to avoid bringing things up, you can also feel like you don't care that you're not proactive, that you're not paying attention to these things because you're not the one that's bringing it up. Now, there are a lot of different tactics to address these two oppos ways of being either like, ah, I gotta bring it up now, now, or never, or, Ugh, I like to chew on it.
I like to sit with it. I have to really decide if it's really worth it but one of them, my favorite tactics to kind of meet in the middle here is the business meeting. Now, this is not like an original concept. It, it was original to me when we started having it at my house. But other folks have, you know, offered something similar. The multi-Amory folks have they call it a radar and I'm gonna link to their episode about the radar and the, they have a really nice one-pager on the radar and how to do it well. But anyway, I call it the business meeting, and the reason why I call it the business meeting is because oftentimes what you're talking about is the business parts of your relationship. And it's going to be something that's scheduled.
It's a regular time that you put on your calendar and you keep sacred. And it's set aside specifically for talking about your relationship business. And so I gave some examples earlier of what I mean, but what I mean are things that could be thorny, maybe difficult requires, you know, just some focus, some attention, maybe they're just not fun and light and joyful. It could be the space where you discuss an issue where you disagree or where there's some tension. You might, this might be the place where you revisit agreements that you've made, or you just check in on things. And it can also be the place to talk about things like, you know, just like what's on your calendar household, things that need to be done, kid stuff if you have kids. pet stuff, if you have pets, finances shared projects, you know, all of that stuff, whatever you would consider to be the business between you and your partner.
And that obviously varies depending on who your partner is and what you guys are doing together. I love the business meeting because what it gives me, someone like me, who, you know, I feel like I have to either bring up the thing now or never. I can have this middle ground of no it's not now or now, or never. It is specifically, this is the time this is the place. And I can hold the thing I need to address until the time we've agreed that we are going to be emotionally ready and onboard to discuss it together. And I can keep a little notebook or a little like notepad on my phone or something like that and write down things that I need that I need to talk about.
And you know, one thing that some folks that I know do is they actually keep like sort of a running agenda like Google doc or something like that, where you can put things that you want to talk about for the next time you have a business meeting. And the nice thing about that is that if it's shared, then if you are a person who's a cheer, you can go to that Google doc and you can see what is, what your partner's thinking about, what they want to talk about. And you can chew on the topic a little bit and get clear on where you are. And then you can show up to the conversation prepared instead of, you know, feeling blindsided or just feeling like you need to slow down and process. This can also really help, you know, again, on the flip side, if you are a person who tends to avoid bringing stuff up, or you're always just kind of looking for that right time.
Well, you've made it, you've made the right time. This is the right time to talk about it. It's business time, you no longer have to worry about ruining a date or pissing your partner off right before you're about to go have dinner with your parents or before, or, you know, having to have those difficult conversations right before bed, when you both need to go to sleep, which is the worst time to try to have a, any kind of, you know, difficult logistical conversation. Our brains just aren't the best place right before bed. You're also approaching your partner when they're prepared to talk and you are prepared to talk. So hopefully that means that both of you are less likely to be triggered by whatever you're saying. That doesn't mean that you, that you won't be, you know, you might hit a point where you need to take a break, but anyway, you're setting yourself up for better success here.
So I hope I've sold you on the idea of a business time meeting. And I encourage you to have this kind of meeting with any person that you have a relationship with. I mean, obviously, you don't have to have, you know, a standing weekly business meeting with someone you only see, you know, every couple weeks, but it can be useful to make sure you set one up periodically. And so here are my tips for how to have excellent business meetings and have them enrich your life. So first pick a time and keep it sacred. And I mean, sacred. So I have a business meeting with my family. We've moved the date the day of the week that it is, and it is weekly for us. We've moved the day of the week over the years, cuz we've, you know, we've, our schedules have changed.
Kids' schedules have changed. Partner schedules have changed. So we've had to move it around, but we do a weekly household family meeting with all the adults in my house. And right now it's on Monday night and I don't schedule other things on top of that. It's sacred. And for my one on one relationships, it's also important to have a business time meeting together. And again, you don't have to have it as frequently if it's some know for, you know, depending on the relationship, but I, I really encourage you to, to set aside separate time for a business meeting and put it on the calendar and don't schedule on top of it, treat it as something that is really important and that you're really excited about doing okay. So that's number one, number two. Don't make your date night, your business time meeting. I mean, this should be obvious because I've already said make it something separate and make it something sacred.
But some people are like, oh, well we'll just have the first part of our date night, be a business meeting, and then we'll have a date. No, if you have a date night, keep it separate because that way you know, whatever you needed to talk about in your business meeting, isn't gonna bleed over into your date and that's gonna, again, help both of you not feel like you have to protect that time and keep it, you know, keep that time fun by avoiding talking about difficult whole things. It's really important to have a time set aside. This is the time we're talking, gonna talk about difficult things. And so if that means that a non-nested partner, and maybe you have a regular date night with your non-nested partner and you don't get a lot of time with that person, you might need to make some extra time, some different ways you can do that.
You can just make an extra date with them. You can set aside a time to have a lunch you know, a day daytime date, something like that. Or you can have your business meeting over zoom. You know, you can meet together, you can have a phone call if that's what it takes, you know, and again, these meetings don't have to be super long, but I'll, I'll go into that in just a second. So don't mix your date night and your business meeting. Okay. number three, have an agenda and stick to it. For my family, we always go over our calendar. We plan out our meals and then we usually have some other agreed-upon agenda items that we need to talk about. And you know, sometimes it's chores. Sometimes it's something to do with the kids. Sometimes it's other logistical thing. Sometimes it's bigger, broader planning stuff.
And sometimes what we do is someone will bring up a topic in the meeting and we'll say, okay, cool. We'll put that on the agenda to talk at the next meeting. It's really important for these meetings to go well, to have a time limit on them so that the meeting doesn't go on and on and on and people don't bring up yet. Another thing. And another thing, this is so awful especially for the people who are like, I need time to chew. I need time to recover. A lot of intense conversation can, you know, wear me out. And you know, some people have more energy for discussing stuff than others. And so it's really important to cater to the person who has the least amount of energy so that they can recuperate and also not come to dread the business meeting. You want the business meeting to be something you both can fully engage in that you're looking forward to and that it's not gonna overwhelm you.
So that's the third thing is, you know, have an agenda stick to it and have a time limit number four, be prepared. So, as I said before, a thing that can be useful is make sure that, you know, ahead of time that everyone knows ahead of time, what you might want to talk about, make sure you file things away that come up and spend some time thinking about what you wanna say rather than just sort of speaking off the cuff a thing that can happen when you're like me a talk about it. Now, partner is that you may keep doing the, I've gotta talk about it now, even when you have a business meeting. So do your best to, instead of doing that, keep a notebook. Or like I said, a note file on your phone or on your computer and just jot things down that they come up so they won't be forgotten.
And if you're a find the right timer, keep in mind that you need to use the right time you've created to talk, even though you've set aside the business time, even though you might have spent some time thinking about what you wanna say, and what's important to you, you might still find yourself getting a little gummed up. You might still be a little uncomfortable. And it's so important though, that you use the space to exercise your voice and be willing to rock the boat. And if you need to make some agreements around how your partner responds to you, when you do that, definitely ask for those things, ask for the kind of safety that you need and look for ways to make it easier for you. Maybe a thing that can help is to write out what you wanna say beforehand. Another thing might be to really ask for that active listening from the person you're having the business meeting with.
So they are listening first before like jumping on you or maybe shooting down what you say, or offering a counterpoint or something like that, you know, ask for them to just slow down with you. So that's the, the fourth one is be prepared. Number five, make sure that everyone has a turn to talk and be listened to. So this is basically what I would call this. Another way to put this is take space, make space. So if you're a person who is very comfortable talking and taking up a lot of space in a conversation make sure that you are dialing it back and making space for other people to talk. If you are a person and who has a hard time speaking, push yourself a little bit to open, up to speak. It's really important that you slow down here and be willing to just let the conversation in involve that active listening business meetings are not a great time to talk on top on top of each other or react or shut people down or dismiss people's ideas.
You gotta use all your communication tools here. Use your active listening work to stay out of reactivity hold space, ask first before giving advice, take turns, ask questions for clarity instead of just jumping to conclusions and also hold your emotional boundaries. You know, if someone is having a hard time, don't take it on. Okay. So that's number five. Number six, wrap up and agree on action steps. I mean, this is kind of meetings 1 0 1 make sure that you, you end on a good note. It's good to talk about stuff it's also important to then kind of recap what you figured out at the end of it and what everyone's gonna do about that. So that everyone's clear on what people are taking away from the conversation that's essential because sometimes you thought you can mean something and then another person heard something different.
So it's really important to clarify number seven, make it enjoyable. Okay. you know, I mean, this is a business meeting, but that doesn't mean it can't be a time to connect and be close. You can open the meeting by talking about, you know, how you're feeling. You can open with an appreciation exercise or, you know, saying something that you really are grateful for. You can do some gratitude. You can also open a bottle of wine and just share a treat together during, or you, you know, listen to some music or play a game or watch something after you can finish it off with a massage. If you can make this experience a pleasurable ritual, it's more likely something that you're gonna wanna not just stick with, but really fight for. And I think it's important to keep so wherever you can make it something that's, that's a ritual, that's a pleasurable thing.
That's a touchstone in your, in your week or in your month. Okay. Last one. And I said this before, but I'm gonna say it again, fight the temptation to cancel or let it slip. And so put it on your calendar and keep it sacred. And you know, if it's looking like there's some kind of conflict that just can't be avoided, reschedule that business meeting and make sure that you only reschedule it once don't reschedule it more than once don't kick the can down the road, because that's gonna feel crummy. There are definitely times for me in, it's not a good night for me to do family meeting and I have to ask to reschedule and that's happened with other folks in my family as well. Sometimes it just isn't the right time. Sometimes there really is something else that's just in the way that only that night is the time that you can do it.
And don't fight that. Be willing to be flexible. Don't take it as a belief that you know, that your partner doesn't care about you because they are asking to reschedule your, your business meeting. But again, don't make a habit of skipping. It, don't reschedule it more than once, you know, per event, you know, like not, you can reschedule more than once the event, but like if it's Friday night and then you reschedule it to Sunday, then don't then again, reschedule it to Tuesday. You know, if you reschedule it once, that's it make sure that it happens that day. If you really, really can't find a time to make that particular meeting happen, you know, before, like say the next meeting needs to happen. You know, you can sometimes pivot to using some kind of asynchronous way of communicating to address the things that need to get addressed.
You can maybe, you know, settle it over email or do a shared Google document or a group chat or something like that. But again, just don't make a habit of that either because I think being able to have the conversation in person is really important or in a synchronous way is really important. My business meeting has saved my butt so many times and there have been times when we've let it slip and haven't had it for like a week and things just get messy if we miss it. And honestly, the relationships where I'm not like really pushing to make sure we have a business meeting on a regular basis, we suffer for it. And it's really, really, so it's, it's become a really, really important thing in all of my relationships. And it's been really, really valuable to, to have that in my life. So to recap, it's not enough to know that you should communicate. It's not enough to know how to communicate well. It's also important to find the time to do it and agree on when that is, is so whether you're a person who needs to talk about everything right now, or a person who tends to wait and sit on things for too long, a business meeting for your relationship can be a saving grace. So get on at y'all is business time is business time. All right. Talk to y'all later.
