The Autonomy Problem
In this episode, Libby gets real about what COVID-19 means for polyamorous people, but how it's also teaching all of us an essential lesson about our relationships - which is that autonomy is an illusion. We need that lesson right now. But we also always did.
Transcript
Hi. Y'all. So last week there was a new normal in my house. Kids are home with me all day, every day, while my husband tries to work and I try to work. And my mom who also lives with us is trying not to go stir crazy because she can't leave the house due to the need, contain the spread of COVID 19, the novel coronavirus I did not have in person contact with a single person I don't live with for most of the week. And I didn't visit a grocery store and your life might not be upended in the exact same way mine is, or this might sound like your life. I don't know. Everything is shifting so quickly under our feet, that all of us are probably feeling pretty ungrounded right now. Last week, I offered some strategies on how to cope with that on how to slow down, check in with yourself, get grounded as we are all scrambling right now today, I wanna talk about where things have shifted now, practically speaking, and what it's showing us about our relationships. And one thing we all really might wanna consider doing right now. Okay. So let's do this.
I have been using everything I know during the past couple of weeks to work through big challenges with everyone that I love. And if you're struggling right now, I want you to know what I'm using. I want you to have these same tools. So I've decided to offer a free class over the next two weeks on relationship survival skills. This class is an hour long and we'll meet over zoom in the class. You'll learn the five essential skills that you can use right now to help you and the people you love, whether this current storm together and make things better and come out stronger. On the other side to register, you can go to li send back.com/survival skills. And I'll also have a link in the podcast description to sign up, or you can find all the details on my website or on my Facebook page. I really hope I'll see you there with that said, now let's dive into today's episode.
So if you are a citizen of this planet earth that we all share with one another, you know, that a new to humans, coronavirus is spreading across the globe. This is a crisis on a scale. We have never seen before. At least those of us in this generation of people who are around today. And I think for those of us in the United States and perhaps other places it's only really just now sinking in, or maybe just recently sinking in how serious this situation is. One thing I'm seeing though, is that some folks still really don't get it. So I just wanna give everyone a really quick reality check here. So I live in Maryland and they have not yet issued a shelter in place order, but my family is essentially following one right now. And in New York, New Jersey, California, Colorado, Delaware, Connecticut, Ohio, Michigan, Massachusetts, Indiana parts of Texas, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana and Maine have all just issued some sort of shelter in place requirement.
In other countries, things are even more restricted in Italy. You have to have a permission slip to go anywhere. If you are in Germany, you are not allowed to meet more than two people at a time unless you are living with those people, governments all over are just not fucking around. I mean, in China where this coronavirus had its first major outbreak, officials were literally welding shut the doors to apartment buildings. So people wouldn't leave to spread the virus. And there is a reason why people are doing this. This virus also does not fucking around it lives on surfaces for days, depending on the surface. It survives in microscopic water droplets in the air that you can just breathe in. You don't actually have to kiss somebody or even have someone sneeze on you to get the virus it's effectively airborne. It can infect you and you'll be completely asymptomatic, but you can spread it to others who could then develop deadly symptoms.
Oh, and while you may have heard that it disproportionately affects older folks and immunocompromised folks or folks with preexisting health problems, which is true and is actually a lot of us, a lot of us in the polyamory community, a lot of us in the world, it also has killed perfectly healthy young people, children. So this is not a joke and it sucks. And what I'm seeing is that this virus is creating a lot of tension right now with polyamorous people, particularly in polycules, different people have different responses to this information. They have different information. And also really, if you have something that you want to believe about this, you can go find evidence for your point of view because the information available on the internet right now is widely varying. If you want proof that this is some vast, conspiracy, if you want proof that it's just like the flu and you don't need to worry about it, whatever, if you need justification for doing whatever it is you wanna do, you can find it.
But here's the thing, depending on where you live, the recommendations sent down by government have also been changing multiple times. But the clear thing is is that no, you don't go to bars. No, you don't go to restaurants. No, you don't go go to gatherings over 50. But again, in other places it's like, no, not even more than two people, not unless you live together and you need to be six feet apart. So I get why people are confused and concerned, but it's coalescing now to be a whole lot more clear that we need to be physically distant from each other in order to prevent the spread of this virus and prevent the overwhelm of, of our healthcare systems. And I also wanna just lift up that seriously, y'all this is not about your own individual risk. This isn't about what you are willing to tolerate or whether you might get sick.
That's not what you really need to be thinking about right now. When you think about this virus, public health official, no offense, don't actually care about individuals. They care about big numbers. They care about systems and structures. And what we're seeing is that the systems and the structures cannot tolerate the numbers that are going to accumulate. If everybody is thinking like individuals. And so here's where individual risk tolerance can really run a foul of public health because one individual can literally infect dozens of people just by being near them, touching a surface with a hand they coughed in. So, and why am I saying this? Because I feel like polyamorous people because we're so good about talking about STI risk could potentially be really well equipped to talk about COVID 19 risk, but it's also really different because if I have sex with someone and they give me an STI, I'm not gonna accidentally give that STI to my mom or my kids or the grocery clerk or the five people that I have a game night with.
And also there is no COVID 19 test that's easily available right now in the United States. We can't just go get tested to see if we have it without any kind of really good reason. We have to have presenting symptoms. We have to be in a risk at risk group. And that's a real big problem, you know, but if I've got most STIs, I can just go get a test and I can tell everyone that I have it and they know who to stay away from and who not to. So, you know, for COVID 19, you could have it and not know and give it to people accidentally in South Korea where they did widespread testing, because they saw that testing would be a really good idea. They found that a ton of young and healthy people were testing positive, but feeling fine and would never have known that they had it.
So how you really need to think about this virus is if I'm an asymptomatic carrier, which you could be right now is who could I potentially infect, there's literally a woman in South Korea that they've written a bunch of articles about who may have been responsible for infecting like up to 500 people, cuz she was just going about her day, going to church, going to the grocery store, not really thinking about it, not getting tested and the numbers of confirmed coronavirus risk cases skyrocketed between the time this woman was not quarantined and wandering around in the time that she was quarantined. So don't be her, you guys, when you think about what you're gonna do, don't just think about yourself and your risk tolerance or even what other people in your immediate circles are comfortable risking. But think about all of the people that you could touch, where the chain ends.
And when you think about linking up with partners or connecting households from mutual support, you have to make sure that you know who all is in that chain. Otherwise that chain can expand beyond what you can imagine. And so if you do have an enclosed chain though, let's say, let's say that you, you live with your partner and then you have another couple that you're close to. And so it's just four of you and both of you are isolating. Everyone is able to work from home or they're not working. They're not going to a workplace or not interacting regularly with people. So you have a closed loop of four people. Are they all comfortable with the risk of being infected by you? Are you comfortable sharing with sharing your risk with everyone in that group? Are you comfortable with whatever choice that anyone makes to go to the grocery store to go for a walk, to pick up some trash on the street, whatever they might do to not wipe down the delivery box that they from Amazon because the virus can live on cardboard for 24 hours.
Like, are you comfortable with being with all of the choices of everyone in that group? And is that group really closed or are there more people that could be impacted? This is a serious question because there's always a risk that an infection could turn really bad and land someone in the hospital on a ventilator. If you're young and healthy, your odds are lower, but it's still Russian roulette as far as I'm concerned. So I want you to take it seriously. Health officials are encouraging people to stick with the people they live with because you can't avoid the people you live with very easily anyhow. And that at least is a built in container for the number of people who are sharing the infection. If it doesn't go outside of a household, then it's, it's limited in how it can spread, but I get, I get it.
You guys that it just sucks if you are not living with all of your significant others and that you rely on everyone that you have in your circle of love as an ecosystem of support. And now you're feeling cut off from that. Now, one thing I'm not going to do in this episode today is talk about all the virtual ways that you can mitigate that. But there are so many virtual ways you can mitigate that. Like I've had video chats with a ton of people to stay connected to them. There are things like Marco Polo, which is like asynchronous video chatting, which can be really beautiful. There's you know, all different kinds of things like game nights and virtual game nights and Netflix watch parties and things like the, but I'm not gonna go into all of that instead. I'm gonna talk about what people are doing that are not that.
And here are some situations that I'm seeing. I'm aware that some people are breaking the in shelter in place rules that might be in place where they live and choosing instead to link up with folks in their polycules, despite the risks and warnings. And what I'm also seeing is that some people who wanna do that and see their partners are being asked by their nesting partners, not to do that. They're saying, no, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable sharing that risk. That's not what I wanna do. Someone on a message board called that a COVID veto. And what I'm seeing there is that that is creating or amplifying existing hierarchies. It's making solo poly folks feel left out. It's potentially exacerbating some tensions around control and feeling control. And you know, I get it. It's, it's hard. What I'm also seeing is that people who are living apart from their partners are really feeling that separation acutely and the prospect of being without touch and the presence of their loved ones is really taking a toll on their mental health and wellbeing right now.
And I want you to know that I see you, I'm also a aware that there are a lot of people who have a nesting partner and yet that relationship isn't actually their primary romantic relationship, or maybe it's one of two very serious anchor partnerships that they have or three who knows, or maybe that relationship is flat out just non-sexual. And actually maybe even a little tense and challenged. I think there are a lot of people for whom having other outside relationships and outside sources of support is one of the ways they keep their family intact. If their parents and they don't wanna get divorced, but they don't have a romantic relationship anymore. They're trying to sustain the family dynamic and have a sustainable living situation by having outside partners. And I think we have to be honest that there is, there are a lot of people who are doing that and now they don't have access to those other partners.
And now they're just stuck with the person that's they're living with. And that can be also really hard and not their preference. I'm also seeing some people who weren't necessarily ready or even seeking or planning to cohabitate, choosing to do that. Now, choosing to hunker down together in the same home so that they won't be separated so that they can provide mutual care for each other and share resources. Maybe one of them is out of a job and you know, they're choosing to live together so that they can not lose their housing and not be able to pay rent and all of that. And people are doing this very quickly because you have to make decisions very quickly and it's unclear how long that arrangement is going to be in place. And then there are long distance partners who are also facing a potentially long separation with no clear idea of when they're gonna see each other again, in person.
And there are also some people who are being separated by circumstances. You know, some folks have jobs that they have to continue to go to because they're in an essential role. Or maybe someone is ill or someone's in a high risk group. Or again, just those differing risk tolerances. Like I'm okay seeing you, but you're not okay seeing me. So then we're not seeing each other you know, different interpretations of what we should be doing can lead to painful separations between some partners and then not others, which again can set up some hierarchies. And I also wanna highlight that Dedeker Winston of multiamory pointed out that some people might feel inclined to reach out or reconnect with people who are, they've chosen to be disconnected from, for their own well-being who are not great people for them who are toxic, who are harmful with whom they've set boundaries, because those relationships aren't nourishing, but now we're all a little more anxious and a little more scared.
And that leads us to want to connect and not be alone. And so we reach out to people who are not good for us. And I wanna just say trauma bonding with someone who has hurt you is not a good idea right now. And so if you are feeling inclined to reach out to someone who's been harmful or abusive to you, because COVID 19, has you scared, please, please take a breath and reach out to someone nourishing and healthy for you instead. And if you don't have someone like that, if you don't have friends to reach out to, or even family members reach out to social media, reach out on social media, ask for help there find a Facebook group to join. There are a lot of like op I mean, they're, they're private, but they're, you can, you can connect to them and be, you know, join them. There are a lot of polyamory, Facebook groups, there's a local, a lot of groups have local communities online. Just really try to connect with others or reach out to a therapist or a coach, get the support that you need. Don't go to those places that are gonna undermine you. Don't let this be the moment that you violate your boundaries. You have in place to protect yourself because you know, you're this, this part of you that's trying to survive is seeking connection.
This is also hard. Y'all a lot of us are scared right now and we don't know what the future will bring. Some of us don't know how we're gonna make money in the next several months because our source of income isn't legal right now for us. Like our, if we work at a restaurant or a bar or we do in events or we're a hairdresser, so, or, or an acupuncturist or so many different jobs that are in-person, that require in-person interaction. And they're saying, they're not essential. You have to go home. Some of us are really worried for the people we love right now, because we don't know when we'll see them or what might happen. If they get sick at the wrong time or in the wrong place, we won't be able to be with them and help them. And also everyone is probably tired.
Especially if you're still working on a job site, if you're in some essential service job, if you're in healthcare or if you're like me and you have your kids at home, and you're also trying to keep the lights on, on your, in your work and keep going there too, it's freaking hard. We are all operating at limited capacity and facing all kinds of challenges that we're not accustomed to facing. I have to tell you the big reason that the big catalyst, I guess, that helped me see that I needed to offer this relationship survivals skills class that I'm offering over the next week is because I have totally lost it with people I love more than once in the past couple of weeks and a over pretty minor issues that felt like big issues. Now, luckily we managed to repair quickly and move through it, but it really was hard for a minute.
And it reminded me that when we're under pressure, we're more likely to snap or go into some other, you know, knee-jerk mechanism. That's not gonna serve our relationship. And that can undermine the very systems of support that we most need right now. And that's the other thing I wanna talk about. So this virus, as I just sort of mapped out a little earlier, this virus is really showing us right now that we are all in this together and that our behavior impacts each other. And here's the thing we always were in this together. A lot of polyamorous folks aren't used to thinking about things the way this virus is making us think about our behavior or, but the truth is whatever you do, whatever risks you take, whatever choices you make, they always impact other people in your life. They impact your closest networks the most, but depending on how isolated you are, they can impact people far beyond that.
And a lot of thought leadership in polyamory been about how, you know, we're all autonomous and our choices belong to us and nobody has the right to control us. And that if you don't like something, your partner does, it's your job to manage your feelings about it and not to control your partner. And my message though, has been to polyamorous people for quite some time. Now that while I think autonomy is important, and I agree that nobody has a right to control anyone, you also can't just do what you want and then tell other people in your life to just deal with it and not expect it to have an impact on them. All of our choices, big and small have an impact on the other people in our lives to varying degrees. And if they have feelings about that, sometimes those feelings aren't just on their head.
Their feelings are about the impact that that behavior's having on them. And that impact is not just theirs to manage and deal with on their own. We also have a job in our relationships that we rely on for support, for care, for resource sharing, for all that stuff, we have a job to be with the impact that we're having on each other 19 makes that reality. That was always true, very, very tangible. We are now not able to avoid the reality that our choices impact other people. If I go make out with my boyfriend right now, who I don't live with, one of us could be an asymptomatic carrier of COVID 19. If I give that to him, he can spread it to his entire house household. If he gives it to me, I could spread it to my entire household, which includes my 69 year old mom.
That's just one example of many. And some of you have circumstances, you can't influence, right? Like you might have an essential job and you have to show up. And so now you're taking on a lot of risk that's out of your control. And then you have to think about that risk that you're carrying and who you're carrying it to. You may have roommates and you don't have much influence over them. And what they're doing, you may have health circumstances that just don't permit you to make whatever choice might work best for the other people in your life. And even for, you know, your emotional wellbeing.
Now, those of you who are to link to your poly partners you may all make that choice to share the risk with each other. That might be a thing that you decide to do. And I am actually not gonna tell you not to link up with those people, but also y'all, I'm just gonna be your mom here for a second. It's really not a no-brainer, it's really something you gotta think about. It's a big deal because all of the people in that little ecosystem there, they all have to be aware of how their choices are impacting each other. You have to really talk about it and you really have to think it through because the risk is real. Everyone who is sharing air with you on a regular basis is impacted by what you do. And again, the bigger point here is that's always been the case.
It's something that we really don't wanna be with because so much of polyamorous thought is built on this personal freedom and autonomy. But the reality is we're not islands. We are parts of an ecosystem. And whatever we put into the ecosystem is always gonna be felt by everyone in that ecosystem. And that doesn't mean we don't have a right to do what we wanna do and to self-actualize. And it doesn't mean anyone has a right to control us. I still stand by the idea that control isn't the answer. But what it does mean is we need to be accountable to each other. So no matter what your situation is right now, I want you to think about your relationships ecologically. Right now. I want you to ask yourself beyond risk of infection. What am I putting into my ecosystem right now, due to this crisis you are probably pumped up full of a lot of adrenaline and cortisol.
That is just going to make you a lot more tender about everything right now, a lot more vulnerable, a lot more stretched. And I really, really encourage you more than anything to focus your attention on taming, your whooshes, your stress responses, staying out of reactivity and checking in with yourself and everyone else now is not the moment to bring the immature parts of yourself out, to run a muck in your relationships. That's just going to put a lot of crap in your ecosystem that everyone else is going to have to deal with. And it's going to tax everyone at this time. We need everyone who can be to be the adult in the room. We need so many adults in the room. Things are not ideal right now, instead of leaning into anxiety, fear, resentment, depression, anger insecurity, instead of picking fights or spiraling instead of withdrawing and going cold or passive aggressive.
I am challenging you now to lean into love, lean into your best self lean into your courageousness and generosity. The reality is you're not gonna like some of the things that have to happen right now, and I'm gonna be real honest. I think it's gonna get worse before it gets better. Possibly a lot worse. Nothing is ideal right now, but we can only do the best we can. And what I've been really focusing on is grabbing whatever joy I can, as long as it's not at the expense of any other people and create as much joy as I can in my spaces, but making crucial decisions about things that might be life or death, literally life or death out of reactivity and fear and desperation. That's not gonna be great. Don't railroad people to accept risk that they're not okay with taking, even if they're, even if they're being overly intolerant of risk and be careful not to let things escalate because that's also not gonna be great.
If you are parents and you're in home with your kids and you're fighting and it's escalating and it's getting terrible and your kids are being around, that can be traumatizing to your kids. You gotta keep it. You gotta control that and get it under control. And again, control that reactive part of yourself, bringing up old wounds or perpetual problems in destructive ways right now is just going to weaken all of you when what you need right now is to be strong together. So to go back to that example of, you know, the partner who might be, you know, vetoing, you seeing another significant other that you don't live with because they don't want that risk. They don't want, they wanna do their part to flatten the curve. They don't wanna expose everybody to in their ecosystem to that additional person. Yeah. That sucks. And this current situation might be giving that person license to get something that they wanted.
Maybe they are insecure about your other partner. Maybe they don't like that person, whatever. And so now they're, you know, they're taking the opportunity to say, no, no, you can't go see them. And it probably sucks also to be the person telling someone of that. They shouldn't see someone they love, who really wants to be in that position. It sucks to be there. And the reality is that the risk is real. And the recommendations from the health department are clear. And this just, isn't the time to get into a big fight squabble about that in this dead. I want you, when you're faced with a difficult situation like that, I want you to look at the person that you're having the, the disagreement with and say, what can you do right now to become closer to this person through this disagreement? How can you really seek to understand each other better?
This is a time to really listen to each other and make space and really consider each other and where you're coming from. If I could dispense one piece of advice right now, it would be to just slow way down and listen to each other and breathe, and then listen, some, listen, some more. We really need to be willing to hear about the impact our actions are having or could be having on others, even when we disagree with them. Even when we think someone's being unreasonable, we have to listen and really listen to understand if you're list. If you're finding that in one or more of your relationships right now, that there are a lot of people talking and nobody really listening, and everybody's just sharing their point of view and not really trying to understand each other. I encourage you to check out an episode that I did away, a ways back called listen up for some really valuable tips there.
The short version is that you have to listen to understand the other person to really get in and reflect back what you're hearing. And you have to take turns. Don't try to speak up to your part while someone else is talking to you about theirs, because then nobody's gonna feel heard. And nobody's going to hear anything also, I know some of you are probably nodding along with me about how everybody's behavior impacts everybody. You are unable to escape the acute awareness of how you impact other people. It's on your mind constantly to the point where you struggle to take up any space at all, or ever ask for what you want or need. You probably feel like right now, you're sort of made for these kinds of moments of crisis, because you are the one who's willing to just button it all up and get through it.
You're great at thinking of others and bending a lot to make everyone else. Okay. And this is a great moment for you to be the most self-sacrificing martyr you can be. And I wanna offer that your job is to speak up when things are impacting you and ask for things when you need them. And I know that's fricking hard for you, but it's gonna be really important. Otherwise you run the risk of having a big, big suitcase full of resentment. When the crisis is over, you won't feel it now because you're too busy packing it all in. But later on, when you open it up, it's going to be awful for you and everyone else. You've heard me talk about resentment. It is a quiet destructive force in so many relationships. It is the termite infestation that eats at the foundation of love. So please do your best to stay out of it and speak up when you need to, from a place of love and care for your relationships, you need to let other people know if they're impacting you.
You need to stand up for yourself. If you're getting railroaded, don't let that happen. It's not the same as unnecessarily polluting your ecosystem. Instead, you're saying this is gonna pollute my ecosystem. I can't let it in. I can't let this happen. Okay. If you're curious about what my situation is, by the way, it's kind of wild right now. I love my kids, but I was definitely not prepared to homeschool them. They're is funny, but also energetic rambunctious, young boys who on a bad day can fight about literally everything. Talk about my ecosystem being full of that. It's definitely full of that. And I mean, do I wanna be home with them 24 7? No, not really. I really miss things like play date and other activities. I really miss school. But those things just aren't available to me or my kids.
And I'm making the best of it up until this past Sunday. I also, hadn't seen either of my non nested partners in person since they have closed the schools, cuz I just sort of took that as a, I sort of followed shelter in place, even though that wasn't the rule. And, but then, you know, on Sunday I did go for a run with one of my partners outdoors and invited my best friend over to bring her own food and sit six week, six feet away from us in our backyard and have a picnic. And I've been, you know, doing video chats with my other non nested partner and with friends, my other ne my other non nested partner is isolating right now because they have, they, they had a service job, although that service job is now shut down and the odds are high that once they've been, you know, isolated from us for a period of time, that they are likely to move in with us once it feels safe.
And I was definitely not ready for that. I was not ready to take that step of cohabitating, but we decided it was the best thing for all of us right now that we do that. That's also hard on the, my other relationship though, with my other partner who I don't live with because we're, we're looking at all the changes and everything shifting so quickly and the possibility that increasing restrictions on our movements or shifts in, you know, the status of someone in our household could mean that we won't be able to see each other in person for who knows how.
And it's a tough decision to figure out what to do there. The problems are real and we're all talking about it. And we're all bringing our A game on how we talk about it with each other. And we're also being pretty forgiving when our a game just isn't available to us is like mine. Wasn't a couple times last week. I'm not saying everything's perfect because it's not, we are all caring for our ecosystem though, as best we can and trying to be careful about what we're bringing into it and what we're taking out of it. So to recap, COVID 19 is revealing to all of us on a global and relational scale that we are not on our own, that we are instead in this together, your behavior impacts others. And it's in your interest to think about your relationships ecologically rather than autonomously. So my challenge for you in the next week is to be a steward for your relational ecosystem, the same way we all need to be stewards for our health ecosystem right now, be careful about what you're putting in and what resources you're taking out, call on your highest and best self call on the best version of you and breathe down.
The parts of you that you know, would be destructive to that ecosystem. Listen, to understand, speak from love, tackle problems, collaboratively don't point fingers get rid of the blame game. And if you're someone who's inclined to bend for everyone else, be mindful of that, and don't break yourself. Part of maintaining the relational ecosystem is maintaining yourself and making sure you're not silently taking damage that will fester into a big suitcase of resentment that will do damage later. I love you all and I'm thinking of you and I hope I'll see you in my later this week. Otherwise I will talk to you next week. Take care.
