Polyamorous in a Pandemic Part 1: Remember Love
Things look pretty different in the world today than they did two weeks ago. Libby has a message for everyone as we face down new and challenging circumstances.
Transcript
So today things look completely different than things did two weeks ago. When my last episode of this podcast aired before COVID 19, was closing my state schools and causing a run on toilet paper at all the local stores. I had all kinds of things that I wanted to talk to you about. I still hope I'll get to talk to you about those things, but today I feel that the most important thing to talk about is what's happening right now. Now I'm not gonna tell you anything about hand washing or social distancing or what this could all mean for the future of our societies because people more informed than me on those subjects are telling you what to do. And I hope that you are listening to the smart people in the room. But one thing I do know after being in the same home with four other people for several days at this point, who I love very deeply is that in addition to having enough food in your house and Tylenol on hand, we also need to be safeguarding our relationships to get through this time that we're in together. So that's what I'm going to talk about for this episode and the next several episodes.
So I live in the United States in Maryland on the east coast, right outside Washington, DC. And so I know that where things look from where I'm sitting looks very different than other folks in other parts of the world. My analytics show me that I have listeners all over the world. And so I just want to send some love and support to all of the people who are listening now. And even the folks who aren't who are in Italy. I know things are really hard right now, and I am with you in spirit and folks in France, folks in the UK folks, in Australia, folks in Singapore in China everywhere. I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I also wanna apologize in advance because I am an American and my worldview is very skewed towards what's going on in the United States right now.
So if this podcast episode is not as cross-cultural as it could be I apologize in advance for that. And I actually welcome the opportunity to have my listeners reach out to me and let me know what it's like for them. And what's going on on your side of the world. I would really welcome that. And you can email me directly at libby@libbysinback.com. And I'd really love to hear from you. What I wanna talk about over the next few episodes that I release are really, you know, this is a new normal, at least for right now, for us here in the US. We're all social distancing for me, what that looks like is I'm staying in my house and only going out when absolutely necessary in public, around other people. Like I'm, we're all going outside every day. I've got two little kids they're four and six years old.
If we don't get outside to run around, we go bananas. But we're not even going to local playgrounds to play because we've been told that, you know, COVID 19 can live on a surface for up to four days. And I live with my mother she lives with us and she has some health concerns. So we don't want to expose her unnecessarily to COVID 19. And we also don't wanna be responsible for spreading it to anybody else if we happen to be carrying it. So, you know, we're all doing that right now, which means we're a bit isolated. I have other partners that I don't live with, who I am also somewhat isolated from right now for various reasons. So that's another reality for me and for the people that I love. And I'm also somewhat isolated from my community and from my friends at least physically, although we're all trying to stay in touch electronically.
And so this might be what it looks like for you too. I'm not sure. So over the next few episodes, I really wanna speak to this reality that many of us are facing in the United States and probably elsewhere in the country to differing degrees, depending on how your country in handling COVID 19. I wanna talk about what it's like to be in a household. If you have a poly who you're living with or who you're, it's a combination of people you're living with and people who you're not living with you might be isolated from some partners and hunkered down with others. And that just cause is a lot of stuff to show up a lot of issues to show up that maybe you haven't had to face before or think about. And some inequities can show up in relationships because of that. And so I wanna make sure that I talk about and address those things.
So I'm gonna do an episode about that. I also wanna talk about how to cope if you're not just socially, but socially isolated, because you don't have any nesting partners or primary partners. And maybe you don't even have any roommates. And so how can you cope and what can you do? And I also wanna talk about how we can be connected to our community when community gatherings in person just aren't available because I think human beings are social animals, even us introverts. So we need other people and we need to find ways to connect. And my community has been looking for and finding a lot of really creative ways to do that. And so I wanna share that with everyone, but before I do any of that, this episode is going to be devoted to what I think is probably the most important thing that I have to tell you and what I have to offer you, which is so some of you might know this about me.
If you heard me speak or you've, if you're one of my clients, you know, that I take this tab, that we all really belong to one another, and that we're really all in this together. And that I believe that autonomy is really, really important for successful relationships, but autonomy only up to a point. And then there's a point where we really are all connected and we all impact each other. And I think when you're hold up in a house together and you're not going out very much, and you don't have a lot of other places to go that that becomes more apparent. And also things are scary right now. We don't know what's gonna happen. Next things are shifting, not just with this virus, but also with the economy. And we just don't know what's gonna happen. And that's probably raising everybody's level of anxiety, fear, depending on what's going on with you.
It could be everywhere from a 5 to a 10. And so the thing that I want to say is that in light of that, we all need to be gentle with each other, like tremendously gentle with each other. At the end of the day, these people that you're sharing your life with are in my view, your most precious resource. They are the people who, if you need a hospital bed are the ones who are gonna fight like hell to make sure you get it. They're the people who are gonna be remembering you when maybe you're outta toilet paper and they need some, they, you, they have some, and you know, you can give them a call and they can, you know, run some over and drop it off on your doorstep. Maybe you guys are gonna wave hello from six feet away, but at least you'll have some toilet paper.
We need each other and because we need each other, we really need to treat each other with great care. So when tension are running high, we need to be careful not to explode on each other and also not to allow our high emotions to be as contagious as this virus. So one of my friends who I love dearly shared a video that you can actually find on my personal Facebook page of a grounding and shielding practice. And I just wanna offer that to you as well. So grounding is basically, you know, when you're, because this is a time when things are very ungrounded when we don't know what's going to happen and we feel very uncertain and perhaps we feel scared grounding into what powerful and secure and safe and what you, and where you can draw power can be really valuable to just being a little more centered.
And if you are living with other people and especially if you're a parent and you're living with kids, figuring out ways to be grounded in a time when there's a lot of groundlessness can be really important. And there are so many ways you can ground yourself. You can ground through a grounding practice. Like the one I shared, you can meditate, you can do some self-care. All of these kinds of things can be useful. And then the other piece of this is shielding and shielding is basically protecting yourself from catching other people's emotions. And I did an episode about this way back in November it's called how not to take responsibility for other people's emotions. And it's basically about creating a different kind of distance, not social distance, but emotion, emotional distance between people. And it doesn't have to be six feet. It's just a little bit, but it's a little bit of a membrane between you and the emotions of other people. So that again, when your partner's stressed out, because they just read something on the news, you're not necessarily taking that on. Instead you're able to maybe ground and then put up a little bit of a wall, like not a wall, but like a little bit of a boundary between you and them and be able to say, oh, I see my partner stressed out. I'm not gonna take that on. I'm gonna take a breath.
You know, so grounding and shielding can be really important for just new, not letting the levels of emotion escalate in your home or in your life or in yourself. Even. It can also be really important at this time, more than ever to take those timeouts before things get explosive before things build up.
You always wanna remember when you're speaking to somebody, if you're speaking to them in a harsh home, that that, that takes a toll. And so if you notice your tension level rising, and you're speaking to someone that you love, remember that you're speaking to someone you love and take a break that can be really important. No matter what kind of home situation you have, I encourage you to have some kind of space that you create in your home that you can calm down in, and that your partner can calm down. And if you're living with a partner or a roommate or a child that that's somewhere where they can just wear it as this is the designated, this is where I go to be calm. Cuz I think that can be really useful right now. Also, I wanna encourage you to notice if you have the sort of mentality to like, sort of be a buckle down white knuckle at self-sacrificing, take care of everyone, let go of all the little kind of person, because this is a time when things are a little bit more real and you know, you don't wanna sweat the small stuff and you wanna let everything go.
But the truth is, sometimes when we do that, what we are doing is we are not processing our emotions and we are building up resentment that we're gonna feel later. And we are like gritting our teeth instead of releasing things. And I, I think that is just going to, again, it's sort of like a pressure cooker. That's just building and building pressure. And eventually, it's gonna explode and or create a lot of toxic sludge within us, towards the people that we love. So instead, I wanna encourage you to try not to do that instead. I want you to really let go of what you need to let go of and then reach out for the things you need help with. We all have to be generous with each other when things are hard when things are stressful. And so generosity is different than self-sacrificing when you're, self-sacrificing, you're doing damage to yourself. Generosity is when you, I feel giving to someone else when you feel like and letting things go and giving grace.
So I just wanna encourage you to, if you notice that you're really gritting down and biting down and holding and biting your tongue and really just trying it might not be that you need to let lose on your partner or someone else that you love in your house, but it might mean that you need to process that you need to get that, that out of you, you might need to like complete that stress cycle deal with that wish that's coming up in you, instead of letting it build old, if you're letting your anxiety start to rise, sometimes what can happen? I know it happens to me sometimes is you can go into like hypercritical mode, you know, suddenly nothing's okay. Suddenly nothing's all right. And that again, that can do so much damage to your relationships. So I encourage you to ground yourself try to calm your anxiety, do some mindfulness, do some letting go because people feeling in a hypercritical state in a space where you can't really do much about what's going on, can really just put everyone on edge.
So as best you can work through that hypercritical self and, and try to remember love if you are starting to take on other people's stress and that is sending you either through the roof or maybe into shutdown mode if you're withdrawing, remember a shield, remember to create that a little bit of an emotional distance and then take a little space, but then reach out and reconnect, like really reach out to reconnect. Because I think a lot of people think that withdrawal and shutting down is not as bad as lashing out, but it can be, it really can be, if you completely go cold with somebody that can be really punishing and painful. And so I encourage you if that's your go-to strategy to remember to warm up and reach out and connect, cuz we really need each other right now, another thing to notice is if you start to feel like you or your partner or someone else you're living with is keeping score.
If you notice scorekeeping behavior, if you notice like, well, I did this or they did that, you know, or they didn't do this and I did this and all that kind of stuff. If you start noticing that you're starting to like, just really be checking off, who's taking care of what that is a really big sign that you might not be asking for what you need or saying no, when you need to say no and I encourage you right now, more than ever, it's important to like, be willing to ask for what you need, be willing to say no, when you need to be willing to give yourself a break when you need it. Again, if you've got kids in your home, on with them and you're trying to work or, you know, or if you're not if you're still going to your job and you're trying to figure out childcare, there might be a million things going on for you right now.
There still might be times where you really need to make sure you're taking care of yourself as well. Or asking someone to take care of you. If you are feeling like trapped or scared of this, that this might be this, this might be a new normal. Remember that things are still adjustable and you can funnel things and shape things. So don't forget to own your agency. It can be really tempting sometimes when things just seem to be changing really quickly, day to day. And the news is really scary. Can sometimes feel easy to feel victimized, especially if you're in a situation where things are really crummy for you. You know, you're not, you didn't, you weren't able to go stock pile, toilet paper or whatever, because that just wasn't in your capacity. You don't have the space in where you live and or maybe you don't have the money or you don't have the time.
And now you are in a situation where you can't get toilet paper and everybody else seems to have it. And what the hell, right? That might be you. I don't know why I'm so focused on toilet paper. I just think it's so ridiculous that everybody's stockpiling toilet paper, but whatever, I mean, but just don't forget your agency. Don't forget that you still have the power to shape where you are now. And you know, maybe this is blindsided you, it's blindsided a lot of us, but remember to, to continue to do your part, to make things better for yourself and ask for what you need. If you're, if you're feeling alone, reach out, you know, if you're feeling... And reach out with, you know, genuine open heart and try to, to get resentful of people who maybe might not have had you at the front of their mind, that because they might be dealing with their own stuff.
The last thing that I wanna say here, cuz I wanna keep this episode short, you guys is I, I wanna offer you to feel your feelings here. You might be feeling a lot of feelings. I'm feeling a lot of feelings. But what I say by what I mean by saying, feel your feelings is feel them, but don't explode them on people before. You've noticed that they're there, but don't hide them or shut them off either. Because I think sometimes that one is a coping mechanism. We have to just getting through it. And you know, I realize some of us might be in crisis mode, just like all the time. Right now our survival mechanisms might be kicking into high gear. But I promise you, there are times when you can turn it off and you need to, and you also need to feel what you're feeling.
So there, I encourage you to spend some time practicing mindfulness with yourself. Now you may feel right now, like you have no time to yourself to do that. Especially if you're living in a household with lots of other people or if you have kids or you're trying to keep your, your work afloat, what have you, but here's, here's a trick for you. It comes back to toilet paper. Here's my trick. Everyone has to go to the bathroom and we tend to go to the bathroom alone. Right? So a lot of us, we freaking take our phones in the bathroom. So don't take your phone in the bathroom, put your phone away. You might drop it in the toilet anyway. And really don't do that. Cuz then you're really screwed. Leave your phone out of the bathroom, go into the bathroom. And while you're peeing or pooping or whatever you're doing, spend that moment. Just checking in with yourself, just check in with yourself, notice what you're feeling.
And if you want a like a more structured emotional mindfulness practice, here's what I have for you. The acronym that I use is actually it's fists. And that might help you cuz you wanna think about like opening up your fists and releasing whatever feelings you're having. And the words that go with fists are feeling intensity, sensation, thoughts, and then strength. So here's the emotional mindfulness. And again, you can do this. It doesn't take very long. It definitely takes you about the amount of time that it takes to pee. So number one, feeling notice what you're feeling and name those feelings. Feelings are usually one word, you know, angry, hurt, scared, frustrated, resentful, grieving, powerless, excited, horny, whatever might be going on for you. So notice the feeling second notice the intensity of what you're feeling and give it a number like 1 to 10, one, meaning not very strong at all to 10, really just totally overwhelmed and can't deal.
Next notice the sensation. So this one's important because feelings, I wanna be really clear are a physical sensations. They, they happen in your body. And so it's useful to notice what's happening in your body as you're feeling this feeling or these five feelings, like where are you feeling it? What does it feel like? Is it a tightness? Is it hot? Is it gurgly and truly what's going on? Where is that feeling? Is it do you feel it in your shoulders, in your neck and the front of your forehead in the pit of your stomach, in your knees? I had someone once tell me, they could tell they were anxious because their hands were cold. And I thought that was very interesting. So you might have to do a full-body scan, but again, you don't have to take very long. Next is thoughts. So if these feelings could talk, what would they be saying to you right now? What's the story they're telling. What kind of dialogue is going in your head that is feeding these feelings or reacting to these feelings. And who's talking in that dialogue whose voice is the loudest and what other things could you listen to that are coming up that maybe you're not noticing.
The last step here in this practice is strength and this is similar to grounding. So what I want you to notice is where do you feel strength or peace or resilience in your body right now? What are you able to find in you? That feels good? That feels secure. That you can hold onto. A lot of time where I find it is in my breath, but it could also be in your feet, your feet, who are holding you up, putting one foot in front of the other, you might find it in your shoulders or your back. You might feel your heart beating in your chest. And that might be where your strength is. Find that strong part of you. That is, that is something you can lean on. That's helping you cope. Everyone has one. There's always something there and it can be useful to just notice it and then draw on it. So that's the practice and it took me like four minutes to talk about it. So, you know, four minutes in the bathroom, I think you can get away with that.
So to recap are all in a tough spot right now and we all need each other now more than ever. And I think now is the time when we also need to draw on the best versions of ourselves and also be really careful about not destroying ourselves also in the process. So, you know, if you have a tendency to run away and withdraw, try to bring yourself out and connect. If you have a tendency to be, self-sacrificing try to make sure you say no to things and ask for things that you need. If you tend to be very good at taking care of yourself, maybe reach out and take care of others, see what you can offer other people make sure to take timeouts, make sure to have your good emotional boundaries, make sure to manage your stress and complete your stress cycles. And if you notice you're keeping score, just notice whether you have some things you need to ask for or some things you need to say no to.
And remember that we are all, we all have some agency here we're not trapped and finally feel your feelings and practice that on the regular really check in with yourself so that you know where you are. So that then if you have things you need to talk about, you're talking about them from a place of knowledge and awareness, rather than either somebody pulling it out of you because you're not talking about it or you exploding it on them because you aren't staying on top of what's going on with you. I know this is a stressful, uncertain, potentially scary time for so many of us right now, some of us more than others, but we really are true. We all in this together, even if we don't realize it. And certainly, for those of us who love each other, we need each other now more than ever at the end of the day, we're really not going to remember what we wiped our asses with. We're going to remember the love we gave to others and the love that we feel. So let's not lose sight of what's important right now. Let's not lose sight of the fact that just cuz we're stressed, doesn't mean we don't need to treat each other with care cuz we really do. And I'm here to help you and I'm here for you. So if you need me, definitely feel free to reach out and I'll be talking to you very soon. So in the meantime, stay safe, stay healthy and wash your hands.
