The Art of Time Outs
Taking a time out is so important when things get heated or uncomfortable. However, there are more useful and less useful ways to take a time out. In this episode, Libby lays out how to take a time out in a way that enhances, rather than disrupts, connection.
Resources
Black Poly Pride: June 4-7, 2020 in Washington, DC
Transcript
So in my last episode, which was about taming, your whoosh, I shared that when you're in a whoosh, when you're having that acute stress response, sometimes all you need to calm down and reconnect is a brief pause to breathe and remember love. But sometimes you need more than that. Sometimes you need a timeout. I touched on timeouts briefly, but I promised you a whole episode devoted to the art of taking a timeout. And so that's what we're gonna talk about today.
Learning to take a timeout and learning how to do it well is in my view so important to having healthy, loving relationships and timeouts are valuable, not just for your intimate partnerships, but really for all your relationships, whether it's friends, coworkers, family members. And of course, if you're a parent and you've got a child that last relationship though might be our first and possibly only interaction with timeouts when we were children, you know, when a kiddo is out of control, throwing a tantrum or in a rage, it's really common for an adult to put the child into a timeout. I actually have a bit of an issue with this because what that can feel like for the child is that the timeout is a punishment for having big uncontrollable emotions, which is just part of being a kid. And I approach timeouts with my kids as a thing that I am doing to help them.
So I usually do, what's called a time in where I actually say, let's take a break from whatever the situation is and I'm gonna help you emotionally reregulate. But you know, as an adult, it's a little different. And if you have had the experience of timeouts as a punishment, when you were a kid, you might resist the idea of timeouts as an adult because of that association with punishment, this plus a whole host of other reasons might get in the way of you wanting to take a responsible timeout and making that a practice. But I am here to reclaim the timeout from its places, punishment, because I really do think it's so essential. The reason is that. And I say this often, I don't think you can have mature conversations about difficult, scary things, or make good repairs together. If you're in a whoo. If you're in that reactive stressed state, if you're in your adopt of child and that's literally physiology y'all your nervous system is aroused and to varying degrees that can just override your prefrontal cortex, which runs the part of you that can be forgiving and yielding and nuanced and vulnerable.
So I think it really helps to calm down your nervous system, get out of survival mode before you try to talk about difficult things. Now, again, sometimes that can be achieved with a pause just for a deep breath, but even that is like a mini timeout because you, you do have to pause. I remember recently I was in a difficult conversation with someone and I was noticing that I was starting to get upset. My voice was getting elevated. And so I just like shut up for a minute and let myself come down from where I was. And it really did take like a minute. And that's actually really a pretty big pause in a conversation. And I think I might have even had to ask for that pause from the person that I was speaking with and really just breathe and just not interact anymore for a minute.
And with my kids, sometimes I do this too. I slow down with them when I notice that I'm getting irritable. And I notice that I might be starting to raise my voice. And I tell them that sometimes too, that I'm upset and that I'm working on calming myself down because I think it's good for them to see me doing that. But sometimes just a pause and a breath really isn't enough. And you really do need some space. And I'll tell you, you know, to go back to the kids thing, I've, I've literally put myself in time out with my kids. Sometimes. Like I can remember a time when they were just like acting up and being wild at bedtime. And I was just like really about to tear my hair out. And I just went, you know what? Y'all, mommy's taking a time out. I will be back in about five minutes and I will come back to read stories for you, but I just need to go calm down and remarkably that actually calmed them down too, which is kind of interesting.
But anyway, so sometimes you really just need some space. You need to get away from this situation. And there are usually a few different reasons why it's good to do this and why it's important. And it depends largely on how your body responds when you're stressed as to which reason the timeout is good for you. You so breaks are really important. If you're a fighter. The reason here is that what is likely to happen when you are upset and you open your mouth is that terrible things will fly out of you. And so the best thing to do to prevent the at is to take a break before you let out that stuff. So in this case, the break is to contain you as all of us know, at this point, once you say something, you can't unsay it. And while it's so important to be able to say dumb things and then walk them back and repair, it's also important to learn, to contain yourself so that you're not having to do that all of the time.
And also, I gotta say for some people, it's a tremendous ask of them to ask them to let go of something that you've said that's been really hurtful. It's much better to just not have said it. And you know, sometimes for some people really saying the wrong thing can end up just taking a very long time to heal and feel better. There are terrible things that people have said to me that have reverberated in my brain for years, they were just so hurtful. And I know that the person was just lashing out in anger, but there's a certain point where lashing out at somebody in anger is irresponsible and hurtful and just not taking care of the other person. And even when you assure the person that you didn't really mean it, and that you just said it because you were upset, it can be hard to escape.
The fear that what comes out of that person when they're stressed is what they really think and feel even when, if it's you, you know, that's not true. I mean, I had a person in my life where I, that was an issue for me. Like whenever they would get elevated, they would lose their temper. And they would say the most terrible things to me. And there was just a certain point where I was like, I can't keep being in this relationship because it's, it's anytime I upset this person, they really hurt me. And,uyou know, they take it all back later, but it's just like, I, it's just, that's a cycle that you don't wanna continue to be in. It will, it will wear down your relationship. A break can also be really good. If a difficult situation triggers you into fix Sur mode, a break can help you hear, notice your discomfort with the disharmony and really just check in with yourself before you just leap in and start to fix.
If you're a fixer, the break can also help you reset your emotional boundaries so that you can switch to holding space for the person who might be upset instead of just diving ahead or taking responsibility for everything or pushing the person you're talking to towards action and solving the problem or towards everyone just immediately feeling better. A lot of the times, the person you're talking with may need to just be able to feel their feelings and be heard. And if you can't be with them in that moment, because it's just too overwhelming for you and you just need to, oh, I need to fix it. Then a break might be what you need. A break is also really valuable. If stress tends to overwhelm you, if you tend to just shut down, freeze, go cold with draw in a difficult situation, disconnect, avoid you might need a break to calm down your stress, just so that you're capable of reconnecting and revisiting a challenging situation.
Now for this last group, though, I bet that taking a break is a strategy you already employ. And I imagine too, that when you do take a break, it can look to your people like you're running away. And sometimes they might chase you and a break might for you feel like a survival mechanism rather than an intentional choice. It might be like, I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm shut down. I can't talk to you. I have to stop up. And I know for myself, I, you know, so that's not me. Usually. I'm not a, I'm more of a fighter than a FLIR. But I know for myself that I have a few people I'm close to who this is their go-to strategy to get dismissive, to get withdrawn, to shut down and as a person for whom that's not the strategy.
That strategy sucks for me. If I'm all up in my feels about something and the person I'm talking to is just gone either just emotionally shut down or physically walks away from me or asks me to stop talking. I get scared. I feel not heard. I can even feel like I'm being punished emotion for bringing something up. And I also get worried that if I just let the person who's withdrawing, if I let them go, if I just stop with them, that the thing that I'm talking about, that's important to me, just isn't going to get addressed. It's gonna, it's just been shut down and it's never gonna get revisited. But as I said before, I'm a huge fan of taking a break. I think everyone needs to take a break no matter what your stress response tends to be. And for fighters and fixers, it's really about learning to take a breath and contain yourself and reenter and regain your mature functional adult so that you can engage from that part of yourself.
And when you step away, if that's that's, you, you really have to really step away. No last words, no door slamming, no stomping off, and definitely no texting after you've parted. You just have to take a breath and step away for freezers and FLS though. It's good for you to take a break, but it helps for you to do it in a responsible way. So the first of all, so you don't get chased so that you're actually able to get that break, but also, so that you're not abandoning your partner or leaving them hanging or making them feel punished. So for you, it's really important to take that breath and connect just a little bit, warm yourself up before you go away, say, I love you, but I'm overwhelmed right now and I need to stop, but I wanna talk about this later and then have a plan to back.
Remember love and be careful about getting icy, emotionally distant or passive-aggressive. Because while that kind of behavior may not feel to you as emotionally violent as yelling or some other forms of confrontation. Let me just tell you, some people would prefer to be yelled at then being shut out. Neither is all that great, but it's really important to own that pulling away can really, really hurt your partner just as deeply, even if it feels to you like your survival mechanism. I also realize that it can be hard in the moment in the heat of the moment when you're overwhelmed or whether, or you're heated or whatever might be going on to remember to like, say, Hey, I wanna come back to this later and promise a reconnection. So a thing that can be useful there is to just if in, with people who you're in relationship with to have an agreement with everyone, that when someone takes a time out, that it's honored and that there is a plan in place ahead of time for reconnecting.
And I'll talk a little bit more about that later. The other key thing though, in taking a timeout is that whenever someone's calling a timeout, whenever you're calling a timeout, the timeout is always for you. Not for someone else, you are taking the break. You do not put another adult in a time-out that is insulting and controlling. I encourage all people in adult relationships to take full responsibility for themselves and give full respect to others. So when things are getting heated, even if you're not the one who is acting out in the moment, the way to proceed is to say, I'm no longer able to be in this conversation right now. I need a break. I'll check in with you in, you know, whatever 20 minutes, half an hour. After I go for a walk after I've had some time to myself, if someone really crosses the line with you, you can say, I can't be in a conversation with someone when they're speaking to me that way, I'm going to take a break.
I'll check in with you in an hour to see where things are and see if we can continue. I mean, I really do think it's okay to set a boundary and make it clear that you're setting a boundary, but again, boundaries aren't on someone else. You don't say you need to take a break. You need to stop. You say, I need to stop. I don't wanna do this right now. And I'm gonna take a break. And as I said before, it's really useful to make an agreement with the people you're close to that. If anyone calls a timeout at any time, that timeout is honored. No last words, no slamming doors, no texting in between. No following someone who is asking for the time I'm out. But if you are the one withdrawing do it in a connecting way with a promise or a preset agreement of return.
And while you're apart in your time out, I encourage you to use your time productively. As I stated in my last episode, the goal here is to complete the stress cycle or other calm your stress response. If you don't already have practice at this and don't know what works for you, you may have to do some trial and error to figure it out. If you're feeling your feelings more in your body, and you're really activated, you may need to do something physical and active to bring things back to homeostasis. If you tend to shut down, you may have to breathe and practice being present with your feelings and really warm yourself up. Resist the temptation though, to do things that numb you out, like watching TV or playing a game on your phone or Facebook or drinking or doing drugs or something like that. And it also is not gonna help you if you just sit and stew and spiral.
So if you notice you're doing that, I would encourage you to, again, focus on something, physical, focus on something really present and it can also really help you to journal or go for a walk or even call a friend. But, you know, again, if you sort of numb out or stew that just doesn't help you process the stress and the feelings, it just gets you stuck. It just kind of delays the dealing with things. No matter what your process is, I encourage you to spend a moment checking in with your body and noticing whatever sensations are there. Cuz sometimes when we get elevated we can get disconnected from our body and it can really help to just notice what's going on there. I also recommend you tune in and name the feelings that are coming up for you, whatever they are, you know, angry, scared, lonely, hurt, tired, overwhelmed, whatever they might be.
And then I want you to then sort of interrogate those feelings. Like if they could talk, what would they be saying right now? What is the narrative that they're tied to? What are some of the thoughts that are sort of swirling around in? And can I just look at them and identify them without any judgment and then see if there are any underlying needs that you have that you could meet right now, maybe you're hungry. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you need some comfort. And if there's a way for you to meet one of your needs, I encourage you to do that before reconnecting, especially if especially if one of the needs is rest. That advice that you should never go to bed angry, that advice is total bullshit. Please go to bed angry because you might be angry just because you're tired. And if you rest, you will most likely feel better and more equipped to approach a difficult situation.
You might even tend to notice that you get into these difficult conversations with people you love when it's late in the evening. Now, if you're a parent that might be because that's the only time you have to talk, but I really encourage you to consider not pushing through when you're tired and continue talking until the we hours. And it's also worth noticing, Hey, am I tending to bring things up when my resources are low and I'm just not able to hold it together anymore. And is it better for me to create some intentional time with my partner to bring up these kinds of conversations? It's just when you're hired, when you're low on resources, it's so much easier to get stuck in a loop and then get worn down and not be able to be very present to what you're doing and what you're saying.
And you'll feel like you talked and talked and talked and got nowhere and it's really okay to just stop and rest. Another useful thing to do when you're taking is to check in and see if there's any place right now where you feel strong or secure, and maybe find a way to draw on that, to bring you down or thaw you out and pull you into your second consciousness, pull you into that more mature part of you. And there's no magical link that a break needs to be. I've read that it takes a minimum of 20 minutes to complete a stress cycle, but I've taken breaks that were five minutes and they worked just fine. And I've taken breaks that were five days. You have to wait until everyone is ready, but if you're a person who tends to avoid, I want you to be really careful about this last one.
I totally understand your desire to lean away from discomfort. But if you insist on never re-approaching a conversation or continuing to kind of kick it down the road and not reconnecting, that can be really damaging to your relationship. In the long term, you can end up teaching your partner that they can't bring things up to you or that they shouldn't bring things up to you, or you might end up teaching them to pursue you. When you take a break, which I get is something that you need. I realize the hard part for you. Isn't actually knowing that you need a break, but learning to, to come back from one, but it's essential to work on that part. If that's hard for you, if you want to have a secure relationship and be able to confront difficult things with the people you love, I get that.
It's scary. I get that. It's hard, but like everything else, it will get less scary and easier if you practice, once you have agreed to reconnect, you've said, okay, I'm good. Now I encourage you to start by just thinking the other person for taking the break and for coming back, I recommend also not immediately diving back into the conversation, but doing a little bit of appreciation of each other and maybe mother pleasant, connecting activity together. Like maybe just sit down with some tea or a glass of wine or cuddle, or you know, do some other things that are just an easy point of connection. And, you know, if there's some repairing to be done, then repair might be good there too. You know, just I'm really sorry that happened. I'm sorry. I got a little heated or whatever, or depending on the situation and how long the break was, you know, maybe don't even reapproach the issue at all right then.
But rather set a time again, create an intentional time in the future where, you know, you both will be resourced and then just be prepared to dig back in then. So to recap, learn when and how to take a timeout is essential, as essential as knowing that you need to do it. It's important to practice containing yourself, but it's also important to practice taking distance in a connecting way, rather than a withdrawing or punishing way, because timeouts aren't a punishment. They are a loving move to protect the relationship and the people in it from damage that could come from us when we're in our stress response, activated, adaptive children, taking responsible distance from one another and using that time to center ourselves. And then coming back to intentionally, reconnect is an incredibly valuable tool to help you confront challenging and stressful situ with love, nuance, and mutual respect.
