No Advice, Please
Learning to hold space for people you love is an essential relationship skill. In this episode, Libby breaks down what holding space is, why it's important, and how to practice it
What it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett
11 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl
Transcript
Tell me if this scenario might be familiar to you, you are sitting down with someone you care about and they start to unload about their day or about something difficult that they're struggling with. And as you listen to what they're saying, you can see pretty quickly how to help them or how they might be able to look at things differently or how they might be at least partly responsible for their situation. And because they're bringing this difficult situation to you or telling you about a rough day, they had, and you love them, and you wanna help you immediately launch in with your thoughts and that doesn't go well. And sometimes it even turns what you were hoping would be a connecting and stress, reducing conversation into a tense discussion, or even a big fight. So today I'm gonna offer you the antidote to this troublesome scenario, which is something that has literally changed my life for the better and something I now probably use every single day. So stay tuned,
Some of you listening may already know exactly what I'm gonna say here. And what I wanna talk about is this idea of holding space for someone else. I'm going to talk to you about why holding space is such a crucial and magical skill to have for literally every relationship in your life. And then I'm gonna go over the basics of how to practice it. But first, some of you listening, maybe asking to what I said in the introduction to this episode, yes, I've been in that situation that you're describing. And yeah, it's really frustrating that my partner doesn't want my input or they get mad at me for giving am advice or they feel like I'm talking down to them or whatever. And it's really, really frustrating cuz I just wanna help, and what's wrong with offering help advice and valuable feedback. One reason to be in a relationship is, as I've said before to be a resource to one another and I mean, you might be thinking, like I said, in a previous episode back a few episodes that we all have these blind spots and part of what's great about being in relationships with other people is that those other people can help us see our blind spots.
And, and yes, I agree with that. I'll say that my partners, my friends, my family, they are my greatest allies in my personal growth. They all give me really great advice sometimes and they help me figure things out and they help me see things that I might not be seeing about myself. And definitely, if I were never open to their feedbacks or their thoughts, I would be missing out on a big benefit of the relationships I have with those people. And also if, if you follow me on social media, you'll probably have caught a post that I did a while back that one of my big love languages is accepting influence, which literally me means that a big way to my heart is through accepting my advice or my feedback and getting a big result out of that, that you're happy with.
And that just lights me up and brings me so much joy. But here's the tricky part. It's not always the right time to give someone your advice or feedback. People really have to be ready to receive what you have to say in order for it to be something they can take in and actually use. And if you thrust it upon them, when they're not ready, it can well at best, be annoying, intrusive, officious. And at worst it's boundary violating. I really want you to sit with that for a minute because I think some of you listening might be thinking if someone I love isn't going to listen to my opinions or my perspective, if they don't want my advice or my feedback, then they don't really value me. And, and I get that. I really relate to that feeling. I wanna that it can really hurt when someone brings a problem they're having to you and you have a great idea for them or a great suggestion or a shift in their perspective and the person you're talking to just doesn't want what you have to offer, but it's so good.
You could really help them. And I can imagine it can be really annoying to hear them may be complaining about something over and over again. And you know, they're not dealing with it. They're not taking your advice. They're not doing the thing, that's actually moving them through it. But I'm gonna ask you in that moment, when you really wanna say something when you have a fantastic two sense to offer, who is that really for? Is it really for the person you care about? Or is it for you? You may be uncomfortable asking this question and you might be uncomfortable to find that when you really look giving advice or sharing your feedback is really for you and about you and not really about the person you wanna help. I mean, I, like I said, I'm the first person to admit that if you're like me, you might like having influence over your partners.
You might like knowing that when you give them something useful and they take it, that it means you have an impact on their life. It can make you feel important and significant and valuable, or maybe you're a fixer. Maybe you are not really that comfortable receiving discomfort from someone you care about. And just being in those difficult emotions with them without fixing them, you wanna make it better so that you can feel more comfortable or maybe you just think, you know, better. And, and I wanna be really clear. I've totally been that person. I used to have a reputation as a real know-it-all and, I mean, now I've got this podcast where I just tell you what I think. I mean, you know, anyway I, I'm not saying any of these things are wrong, per se. You might actually know better, you know, and it's okay to wanna help people you care about it's okay, that your heart goes out to the people you love and you wanna soothe their discomfort and make things better.
And sometimes the people you love want these things from you too, but sometimes it's the exact opposite of what they need and I'd even argue most of the time. It's the like really it's really not what they need most of the time, especially if it's not something they're explicitly asking for. And it took me a really long time to understand this else. I used to really just not understand why people didn't want and didn't take all the great advice I had to give them. But then I realized that part of what's going on there is if the person that I'm talking, talking to isn't looking for my feedback and then I'm giving it to them. Unsolicited. Then I'm taking a situation that is about someone I care about and I'm instead making it about me. And also I'm potentially making them feel like, I think they're stupid because I might be offering up ideas that they've already considered or sharing feedback that they've already given themselves.
And that can be pretty disempowering. This is a situation where there can be such a mismatch of intent and impact because I really do believe that you can have all the best and loving intentions in the world for the person you love. But if they're experiencing your input as unwelcome and unhelpful and intrusive and even potentially insulting, then you're doing the opposite of what you want. And I think when you reflect on yourself and how you actually learn and grow, you know that it's true for you, that you generally don't learn something or take something in until you are ready to receive it. And usually, that's when you're looking for it and actively wanting it so often what we really need from the people who love us, isn't their education, isn't their input. But instead, what we really need is their non-judgment their understanding, and their comfort.
We just need to be able to just be and be where we are with them, not alone. And sometimes we need their trust and their belief in us that we can navigate the challenges we're facing ourselves. And so holding space is a great way to give your partner that gift wanna be clear. It's a gift. It is very much something that you're doing for someone you love. I recently described holding space, like giving someone, you love an emotional massage. It's like really a one-way gift. But again, if you like giving gifts to people, then it can be a two-way gift. So, but anyway, you know how I said earlier that sometimes when you need to fix or give advice that you're making things about you in this case, this is the opposite holding space is really centering the person you love. Who's struggling, you're listening to them deeply and demonstrating deep empathy and understanding, and you're taking yourself and your ego completely out of it.
You're holding your boundaries and you're respecting the boundaries of the person you care about. And instead, just giving them this really deep support and compassion. But I have to just tell you, like, it's so deeply healing to have someone hold space for you. And, and so empowering too, if you're not fixing or judging or talking down to, or needing your loved one to take any particular action, if you're just letting them really be where they are and just being with them, you are giving them this amazing, radical acceptance. And by holding off on giving advice, you're demonstrating that you have confidence in their ability to figure things out and navigate whatever they're dealing with. And they might not even be feeling that themselves in that moment, but sometimes just you being with them and giving them that can really build them up where giving unsolicited advice can sometimes feel patronizing holding space demonstrates a huge amount of respect and trust.
If you've never had this modeled for you, it might feel like a really foreign concept for so many people. I think fixing and helping and offering advice is a huge way they show love. And maybe it is for you too. But I firmly believe if someone can't receive love the way you're trying to show it, it's time to learn another dialect. And I think everyone, everyone should learn how to hold space. Well, I mean, I do it with my kids cuz sometimes, I mean, if you have kids, you know this like oftentimes they are really not here for your advice at all. They really don't wanna be told anything and they're like, I can do it myself, leave me alone. But sometimes they really need you to hold space for their feelings and what's going on for them. And if you can just listen to them, sometimes they just really open up and that gives you that chance to really connect with them.
And there are, of course, times and places for advice and I'll touch on those at the end of this episode. But for now, what I wanna do for you is I wanna break down how you can hold space for someone in practical, simple steps. If you want a more comprehensive guide though, I will share in the show notes, some of my favorite articles on holding space, including the article by Heather Plat, that first introduced me and many others to the concept. And she's just really amazing. So definitely check out her article. Now, some people might say that the first step in holding spaces is to check and see if the person that's talking to you actually wants that from you. And I mean, maybe they really do want advice or maybe they're just conveying information to you and they don't actually need a lot of support and that's not a bad idea to check.
And if you're a person who looking for some space holding, it's definitely a good idea to ask for that upfront. So you don't end up getting stuck with unsolicited advice because you know, that can be really frustrating. But honestly, these days I tend to just start withholding space because I found that that's the best way to find out what else might be needed from me holding space. Doesn't have to take a long time. So I'm gonna outline what that looks like. But I just wanna go ahead and say that it's not really the steps that are so important. It doesn't, you don't have to do these in any particular order. These are more just different elements that really help to be there in a space holding conversation. You can kind of do them. There's no order really. So, so the first element I wanna talk about in holding space is to get clear that in this moment, it's not about you, you really, really wanna be present for the person that you care about.
And so you gotta let go of any agenda that you might have. And I wanna acknowledge that this step is probably the hardest one feelings can come up when you're listening to someone who's struggling or who's sharing something difficult and you may have to do some grounding and regrounding of yourself to really hold space. And this does take effort, which is why I don't consider holding space to be something that everyone has infinite capacity for. There's definitely limits for me in how often and how much I can hold space. Especially if it's about a topic that's particularly triggering for me or that I have some kind of stake in, but because the goal for me is to care for someone I love and connect to them. I generally do try to offer it where I can and where it's needed, but definitely, you gotta take yourself out of it in order to do that.
The second element is to just show a lot of interest and ask questions from the person, talking to you, to get more information who did, what, how did that feel? Why was that hard for you? I will say it's really important as you ask questions, to make sure you are not putting any judgment into the questions. Sometimes questions can come across as challenging and you really don't want that. You really are just trying to understand. So make sure that you're being curious here rather than asking questions like you're cross-examining a witness. Another element to holding space is to communicate your understanding. So all that is, is just summarize what you're hearing in your own words. If this sounds a little bit like active listening it is, but in this case, when you're holding space, it's generally about an issue outside of the relationship between you and the person talking rather than something that you're holding space that you're listening, doing active listening for because it's about you.
Which makes it a little easier, I think. And just like in the active listening practice, another element in holding space is then gonna be naming and validating the emotions that you're seeing or that you're hearing and empathizing where you can saying things like, oh, wow, it sounds like you're really upset about this. Or ah, I can really hear the grief in your voice here. And then, you know, when you're empathizing, it's just like, you know, oh wow. I can see that how hard that is. And I can really understand. And wow, that's a real bummer, you know, that kind of thing. Another great thing to do when you're holding space is to really empower the person, talking show that you trust them, express that you have faith in their ability to navigate this, and acknowledge the work that they're doing. You know, acknowledge the things that they're saying that they're working through and the ways that they've overcome these kinds of challenges in the past and, and make sure this is genuine.
You definitely don't wanna try to be like Rah rah cheerleader, pep talker kind of person, cuz that's not holding space. Holding space is really just, just really being with the person and being with them in the moment where it feels appropriate. Another element here is to offer care and soothing. So, you know, you can offer them a hug or a cuddle or a cup of tea and sometimes, you know, a compliment, you know, that can feel really great. I wanna make sure that these things are offers though. And not things that you're just thrusting on somebody, again, this is want this to be, you know, something you're asking that they might like. So, you know, you can say, would you like a hug here? You know, could I say something nice to you right now to make you feel better? That kind of thing.
I also wanna add that while I do. I am literally saying don't give advice or input here. If some kind of guidance is really like, just coming up for you in the context of this conversation, you can ask permission to give that a thing I often do is I say something like, Hey, you know, something's really coming up for me as you're sharing this. And would it be okay if I offer you some input or would you just really like me to hold space right now? And if no is the answer or even if the person is just like, mm you know, I don't know, maybe I would just back off and go back to holding space. And sometimes another element of holding space is to just really not say anything at all. You don't wanna be totally passive, but like really just being really present with the person.
And so, so sometimes it's not words, but it's just like eye contact, nodding you know, making, mm, yeah. Kind of sounds with the person. And I know I've already said it too, but I wanna, I just wanna say again, that holding space really is a gift. I'm saying this in part, because if you are a person who tends to do this a lot with people, if it's something that comes naturally to you and you do sort of default to it, to the point where you do tend to maybe get exhausted by it, or sort of feel like people are putting things on you, please know that you do get to say that you're not up for holding space right now, my whole point in bringing this topic up is because I think so often we talk about respecting boundaries around things like touch and resources but not enough around communication.
And I think it's so important to get consent before giving advice and feedback., but I also think it's important to get consent before just dumping on someone and demanding they hold space for you. It's not cool to just expect people to give you one-way emotional support with, without checking to see if the person's actually up for it. If someone's really low on energy, they might just not have it for you in that moment. And, and this concept of just checking in, getting consent, and respecting people's boundaries around communication, that might feel foreign to you too. And I really encourage you to just practice that practice, making sure to get someone's attention, say, see if they're ready to really be there for you. And again, checking to make sure somebody's ready to receive your input. And I, I wouldn't be sharing this. If this was something that came natural to me, this is not something I grew up with, grew up learning, but doing it has been a total game-changer for me and all of my relationships.
And when I teach it to my clients, it's a game-changer for them too. So to recap, holding space is such a beautiful way to honor each other's boundaries, meet each other, where we're at really give each other the care that actually helps us and heals us. It's an intentional practice, definitely requires energy and attention, but can be so immensely gratifying and connecting to give and to receive. I encourage you to add it to your repertoire. And I also encourage you to get into the, of just checking in and seeing what kinds of communication you and your people are up to at any given moment.
