Got a Problem? Don't Solve It
In this episode, Libby talks about issues that seem to have no clear good solution. Her suggestion? Understanding the problem is more important than solving it
Transcript
One thing I've been noticing in my life and in my clients' lives. And in my circles is that this pandemic situation has been putting a lot of pressure on all of us and our relationships in ways that well, just can really suck for a lot of people around the world. This is becoming an even bigger issue because there are new lockdown measures in place, or at the very least just rising cases and more concern about this virus spreading that plus colder weather and the approaching holidays means that there's a lot of pressure and stir us and challenges to confront. And this can be especially complicated if you have a lot of people in your life that you love and that you value what I'm discovering as I talk to clients and engage with online communities is that sometimes there are just some super and difficult situations where it doesn't feel like there's any good solution. What I want to offer you today though, is a tool for addressing these kinds of things. When they come up in a way that prioritizes and preserves the love in your relationships and has the potential for you to grow closer and come out of a challenging situation stronger on the other side.
So a big thing that seems to be coming up for many folks right now has been coming up for folks for many months is figuring out and navigating who you and your people are going to be sharing germs with and when, and how often and what to do if that needs to change. And I wrote a whole article about this back in May about creating a COVID bubble specifically, and what can help you have the difficult conversations that you need to have around that thing to think about. And if you haven't checked out that article, I highly recommend it. You can find it on my website, libbysinback.com. But as I note in that article, sometimes you will just find yourself in something that just feels like a no-win situation. Two of my clients brought up just a situation to me recently in our sessions together.
And they agreed to let me share the story that they have. I'm changing the names in detail for their anonymity. And I actually think this is actually pretty common story. So here's the story Beatrice and Avery live together and their polyamorous and Beatrice has another partner Jora who she's been seeing for a while and Jora lives alone and has no other partners besides Beatrice. Avery also currently has no other partners, but they are wanting to date others, which is difficult in a pandemic, but they wanna give it a go, you know, starting socially distant at first, but maybe with the hope of potentially breaking social distance with a new partner, if all the factors are right also Jora has expressed to Beatrice that she doesn't feel comfortable being in a bubble with any new potential partner of Avery or with Avery at all if they are going on dates.
And Jora has said to Beatrice that she would have to isolate from Beatrice for two weeks after any contact Avery had with any new potential partner and Beatrice doesn't want to have to separate from Jora. And she also doesn't wanna tell Avery not to go on dates. So she feels pretty stuck and not sure what to do it doesn't help the situation that Jora and Avery don't really have a very close relationship. At times it's been a little tense and now their needs are at odds with each other. How I have seen this conflict go, how we're even encouraged to handle this kind of thing in our culture is going straight to tackling the problem objectively, whatever that means. In this case, attempting to assess facts, focus on figuring out who's right, and who's wrong, whose needs are more important. What commitments or agreements exist that can be referred to, to arbitrate the disagreement.
Another way I've seen this conflict go is that one in person tries to unilaterally fix things usually by sacrificing themselves and their wants and needs to make everyone else happy. I think people use one of these two strategies because it is a way of staying out of discomfort and vulnerability. And I guess they can also feel like they can work sometimes because maybe you figure out how to move forward. But this kind of problem that Avery, Jora, and Beatrice are in is called a gridlocked issue. Avery wants to date, Jora doesn't wanna be exposed to Avery's date. Beatrice wants to be able to see both her partners and have both of them get what they want. And there's no obvious solution that gets everyone what they want. And indeed two people in this situation have directly conflicting needs. And so it's just not possible to get everybody everything they want.
Polyamory tends to present many situations like this, and COVID is just making it a whole lot harder and worse, and feeling like you're in an impossible situation with people that you love and wanna make happy and wanna take care of is really uncomfortable. Really vulnerable can be really disappointing. And sometimes even heartbreaking, it can feel terrible to feel like you have no good option, but instead, it's looking like either you or somebody you love is going to be upset or hurt or disappointed. I think trying to solve the problem objectively is a way of trying to bypass the inevitable difficult feelings. You think that if you can get everyone to just figure out the right thing, then nobody will feel like they have a right to be upset about the decision. I think self-sacrifice is similarly an attempt to avoid discomfort because if you just give up and you don't fight then there's no tension you've released the tension, but here's why I don't think it works often for, first of all, the pursuit of figuring out what the objective right thing is, can also result in people taking up their favorite position and fighting hard for it.
And then you're in this adversarial situation where someone has to lose and that can just feel awful. And like, you don't matter if you're the one who is on the losing end and this can be especially hurtful when it's one person's need versus another's and feeling like someone else was more important than you and someone just fixing the problem can result in a big pile of resentment for that person feeling like they just always have to give up what they want. On the flip side, it can also feel controlling if you are the person who's having something fixed for you. And maybe that's not what you want. Maybe you wanna be in the tension of it, but someone's just alleviating the tension and not giving you a chance to try to work it out. So I think neither are great ways to work out problems between people who want to be caring and loving and collaborative.
What I wanna propose instead is to lean into that reality, that this is just a freaking shitty situation and it's uncomfortable. It's vulnerable. Don't be afraid of that discomfort. Instead, use it as a way to connect by being in it together. The is a tool that I love that can really help with that. It's an exercise that the Gottman Institute created and it's called dreams within conflict. And I'm gonna present sort of a modified version of that in this episode, the goal of the exercise is to actively not go straight to solving the problem, but rather to just connect, talk about the problem and deeply understand everyone's perspective, the way that you do that is you have a conversation that is specifically aimed at just making as much space as possible for exactly where everyone is and be willing to go deep into what that means for each person.
A lot of times a conflict becomes a fight, not actually because someone wants their way, they don't necessarily want the thing that they want. Maybe it's just that they're afraid of what it means for the relationship. If, they don't get it, maybe they're afraid of being controlled. Maybe they're afraid of having to capitulate yet again to someone else's wants or needs. Maybe they're afraid of reinforcing power dynamic. Maybe they're afraid of being disregarded or being railroad of not being considered in service of someone else, getting what they want. Fear of the fight can also be part of the impulse to sacrifice yourself and be a martyr better to just yield and then be resentful about it than to stick up for yourself and lose. There's also a certain amount of power in being the one to give up first and, you know, be the bigger person or whatever sacrificing yourself can also come from a fear of setting boundaries or a fear of your own worth were fear of other people, resenting you, or maybe a fear of your own abilities to hash things out successfully with your partner.
Or maybe a lack of trust that your partner will really listen to you and make space for what you're saying. But if you instead embrace that discomfort and adopt a mindset from the start that you might not get what you want and that there may not be a solution that works for everyone and focus instead on making sure that everyone feels like they matter. You might come through the conflict with a whole lot less damage to your relationships. Even if somebody doesn't get what they want, even if someone's disappointed, even if that person's, you, you will probably feel better about the experience and possibly instead find more closeness, more intimacy, and more confidence in your ability to do hard things together. So here is exactly how to have that conversation. First, slow down. You hear me say this a lot and it really makes a difference.
So you have to slow down, you have to take a breath and you have to find your footing. You have to let go of your need to problem solve, or make your case, or just be through it. You have to be willing to be in the messiness for a minute. And this can be hard. Just this. If you're used to keeping it moving or being easy-going, or just letting things go or being super proactive or, you know, getting your way, you have to be willing to be in the uncertainty together first. And you know, the way you can do that is just by leaning into, I care about these people. I want to show care for these people. So I'm gonna just stay in this uncomfortable place for a minute, and I'm gonna try not to be reactive second step. It helps to acknowledge that this is a situation.
Just name it and see if everyone agrees with you that it's a situation and maybe even agree what the situation is because sometimes you may find that you're not responding to the same problem. And that might be a really important and huge stumbling block. If you don't figure that out. First, next take turns being the speaker and everyone else listening, give each person at least 15 minutes or so to talk about their side of the situation. And if you are having your turn as the speaker, your goal is to just share what the situation is for you. You are not making a case for your chosen course of action. You are not expressing that your needs matter more than anybody else's. You're just saying what's important to you and why you're telling people, your fears, the meaning you're attaching to the situation, your values, maybe even your dreams.
You've gotta be willing to go deep here. A lot of times there are things up in a situation that go deep into past hurts or traumas or personal values or ethics or fears about your relationship and what it might mean insecurities that you have or really deep belongings. If you're in the position of the listener, what you can do is use the tools that I have offered in my episode called holding space or no advice, please, you wanna make sure that you're reflecting back what you're hearing. You want to make sure that you stay out of defensiveness. Don't make this about you. If you notice yourself sort of getting upset or feeling a bit of a wish, take a breath, or take a break, don't make any counterarguments or challenge what the person is saying. Your goal here is to understand them. So get curious, be empathetic.
You want to be on the speaker's side for a minute, ask questions, ask them why is this important to you? Maybe ask them what past experiences are informing, how you're approaching this issue. What would this mean if we did it this way? Or what would it mean if we did it this way? Is there something that this problem and how it might go says about who you are as a person or says something about our relationship, be willing to ask? What would your ideal scenario be? If you could just wave a magic wand and make it go exactly the way you want and be willing to just be with that, even if it's not possible, ask the question. Does this relate to some goal or value that you have, or is there some deep fear around this not happening? Is there some underlying need that's at the root of where you are and are there any dreams underneath what you're saying here?
If someone says something and it sounds off to you, or it sounds upsetting in some kind of way, be mindful of what assumptions that you might be making or anything that you might be making up about it and really check it out. You know, cuz someone might say something and it might sound one kind of way. It's really useful if it's upsetting to you to just confirm that you've got it right. So only after everyone's had a turn to be truly heard and it's clear that everyone understands every else. Do you move onto any kind of negotiation or problem-solving. This might need to be a separate conversation even after you've had some time to absorb where everyone is at and what they're saying. And once again, once you've got that understanding, what you may find is that there is no solution. A lot of issues are just, like I said, just gridlocked two people with opposing needs and wants.
And in fact, the Gottman Institute has found that more than 60%, almost 70% of the problems that show up in relationships are either perpetual or unsolvable. So you might just have to be with that pain, but at least you can be with it together and maybe treat each other with greater compassion and care around it. And hopefully, you can do that once you have this greater understanding of where everyone is coming from, what you may find though also is that even if the issues gridlock, that there are some points of overlap, you might be able to find places where you share values, share meaning, or maybe you might even find some wiggle room, some space to move some points of flexibility. And another thing that you may find in understanding the deeper meaning and the reality that each of you face, and maybe even a new way of understanding the problem and a better solution that honors everyone who's in the situation.
The bottom line, the whole reason to have this kind of conversation is to avoid creating a situation where getting what you want or just having the problem be solved is of greater priority than the actual people involved. Your goal is to have everyone feel like they matter and that what they want is important. A lot of times it's much easier to accept, not getting your way and deal with disappointment. When you know that the people who love you care about you and care about what's important to you. So to recap, sometimes it's best not to jump, to solve problems with either figuring out what's objectively, right, and fighting about that or self-sacrificing and fixing, instead of going to battle, pause, and work, to understand each other, be willing to go deep into what these things really mean. This transforms the conversation so that it's no longer about who's right, or who's going to win, or who has to take one for the team. But instead, it's about holding together collectively what everyone cares about. You might still not get to a perfect win-win solution. Someone might have to concede something be uncomfortable or disappointed, or you might just have to sit in disagreement with each other, but you will also have demonstrated that everyone's needs matter first by making space for everyone to understand each other. And that can help you move through problems in a way that can make you feel stronger and closer on the other side.
