Did You Miss Me?
In this episode, Libby talks about the gift of time apart.
RESOURCES
Transcript
Hello, my making polyamory work listeners. It has been a little while since I have spoken to you all. And I'm curious about something, did you miss me? I'll tell you that I have missed you. And I am sorry that my last episode was more than a whole month ago at this point, full transparency. I totally had a plan for how the month of December would go for the podcast. And well, it didn't, certain episodes just weren't working the way that I wanted them to. And then I was balancing some family obligations and serving my clients that month. And then just that plus the added pressure of the holidays just ate everything up and suddenly it was the middle of January. And I was like, what happened? And then of course the current events of the last week, have I imagine taken a toll on you as, and it definitely has taken a toll on me, even if you're not in the us. I imagine hearing that a bunch of people, you know, broke into our nation's capital is pretty alarming. So totally understand if that has been taking up a lot of your mental bandwidth, but this break has gotten me thinking about a feature of polyamory that honestly, I really like, which is that with multiple partners, you often have more opportunities to miss each. And as they say, sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder. So that's what we are gonna talk about today on making polyamory work.
So I've said before that time is that super finite resource, and I'm not the only one to say that. And I, I wanna talk about time in so many different ways on this podcast, and I really wanna talk about it in terms of capacity, but in general time is this aspect of polyamory that can be so challenging. However, I want to look at sort of the inverse of time together, which is space from each other time apart time, where you want to be together, but you're not. And I wanna talk about the gifts that are in space. You know, interestingly, if you do a little Google search, you can find that a lot of people describe space or distance as the sixth love language, but of course, you know, space can be challenging. I often talk to people who struggle with allowing whatever space there is between them and their partners to just be there or who really struggle with longing for more of the people that they love want more, their time, more connection, more attention.
And, you know, I wanna acknowledge that of course, feeling like you're not getting enough of the person you love can be stressful, can sometimes be physically painful and is a really valid thing to be concerned about sometimes. But sometimes it's just uncomfortable or not. What we are used to and sometimes tuning into the gifts within space can change our relationship with it. So if you're in a more established relationship and you have opened up your relationship, a thing that can happen is that the time you're spending together can experience a shift. And suddenly there might not be the same level of abundance of availability that you're used to. And that can be scary. It can maybe feel like you're losing time with your partner and in a new relationship. NRE is this thing that, as I've mentioned before, really activates that dopamine system, and that can just make you want more and more and more and more of your partner so much, you can't get enough.
And, and so you feel that drive to get enough. And of course, I think maybe there's never enough, but when you're with a partner who has other partners and maybe other more established partners or other commitments it can be an external limit that you keep bumping up against. And that can also be hard because when you're in a new relationship, you may feel this drive to have time together to establish your connection and really build a solid foundation for your relationship. I've talked about this in the past, that when you're building a new relationship, there's a lot of sort of upfront investment. There's a lot of things that you have to create, and the creating takes more energy than the maintaining can take. And so if you are feeling like you're not getting enough time to do that, that can be challenging and frustrating and hard, but there are real benefits to space.
So when my husband and I for began living together, and this was before we were actively practicing polyamory, like we were sort of non-monogamous, but it wasn't something that I was engaging in a lot of time around and he wasn't either. But when we moved in together, a thing I discovered was that we just inherently had very different levels of desire for togetherness. I wanted a lot of time together and he really required more alone time, time to recharge or time to focus on other passions like writing or his work. And for a little while we had a little bit of a pursuer distance or dynamic where I wanted a lot more of him than he wanted of me. And I felt disappointment around that and maybe felt some rejection. And we worked through that. And I think honestly, we set ourselves up well to be polyamorous because there was already built in this need to ask for time together, instead of assuming that all of our default time was partner time though, I still also did a lot of initiating the time together with my husband when we did have time together.
Like I was the one often time setting updates, planning, trips, et cetera. And then though at a certain point, when I started doing more socializing with other polyamorous folks and polyamorous parents, especially, and I started hosting more social events when I eventually started dating, I got a lot busier. And because I was, you know, really engaged with all these other things, I stopped initiating as much time with my husband and my husband started missing me. And there was a point I think, where he actually even got a little bit frustrated because suddenly the tables were a little bit turned and he had to start asking for my time. And he was so used to me asking for his time and me making the plans that to have that shift was something he wasn't really prepared for. And he even felt maybe a little neglected. I think me having other things that were taking at my time and energy really shifted our dynamic and that shift wasn't necessarily always easy or seamless or without any bumps.
But I think ultimately having like the tables turned was actually a good thing because we talked about it and we worked through it and it just was kind of very rewarding for both of us, I think. And, and I guess that's what I mean when I think about taking space, taking space can give you a different perspective on your relationship taking space can also, because you're in a place where, you know, you go from having like abundance to you know, having scarcity interestingly that can maybe increase the wanting. Sometimes it can even rekindle or increase sexual desire between established partners where things maybe have gotten a little rote or a little unexciting. Esther Perel talks about this in her really excellent work on eroticism in long term relationships. She theorize is that while love seeks closeness desire and eroticism need space. And it's interesting cuz when she asks her clients about the moments when they most desire and find their partner attractive, they answer with things like when I see and play sports, when she's unaware, I'm watching her when they're talking to their friends and they're just lit up at a party or when they're confidently speaking to a colleague or presenting at a conference you know, when he's standing on the other side of a room and I see him look at me you know, when she's playing with the kids or when he makes me laugh, when she surprises me, et cetera, you know, when I watch my partner being excellent, but not with me.
And I might add to that, that one of the gifts of polyamory is that you can get that by seeing your partner loving with someone else.
That can also be scary for some people. Some people have a hard time with that, but that I think, and this isn't conversion, this isn't having joy in their joy. It's actually seeing them with someone else and you can see them in a new way. It's really not uncommon. And you may have experienced this self for polyamorous folks to see their love and desire for their partner grow. When they see their partner being excellent with another partner, it gives you a different perspective on them. It allows you to see them as an other instead of, as part of you, you know, that can, you know, it, it's almost, it's almost on the edge of like envy really. It's like you, you see your partner with someone else. And you're like, oh, I, I think I want me some of that.You know, another thing distance can do is just give you a different vantage point for your relationship simply because things just look really different up close or when they're abundant than they do when they're far away and more scarce, I'm gonna go back to Esther Perel.
She write, we create a bridge of things unknown by making a perceptual shift. And it is on this bridge, in the space between each other that we can meet and play with the erotic together. And I think having that perspective, having a little bit of distance, having a little bit of space can also help you value your partner more when you have time apart, it can give you the space to reflect and feel that appreciation for what you have. And also to give you a little bit of an imagination on what it might be like to be without it. I think sometimes in real relationship when we spend a lot of time with someone or when we're really submerged in, in a connection with someone, maybe we live with them, maybe we don't it can be like, you know, a, a water for a fish, you know, fish don't know that water's wet because it's just everywhere.
You know, it's the air we breathe. And I think being able to it yourself from that a little bit and had really see what you have, can change your relationship with it. Also, I think making the time that you have together more scarce can also make it feel more precious. And you know, when my husband suddenly realized, oh, Libby, isn't gonna make all the plans for us together anymore. And if I don't grab some of her time, then I'm not gonna get any well, you know, suddenly there's a little bit of a motivation to make plans. And I'll tell you making plans is like one of my love languages. So somebody seeking me out and asking me to do something with them, that is the fastest route to me feeling loved and appreciated. So I mean, like I didn't set out to get that by getting busy and focused on other things and other people.
And it wasn't that I wasn't making any time for my husband. It's just that I wasn't chasing him as much. And so I think, but I think him noticing that, oh, I really have to get on Lu's. You know, that helped him, you know, pursue me a little bit, which felt really nice and made me feel special and made our, and it has made our time together feel special also, I think when you're in, in re with a new partner and they're polyamorous and you both you know, again, you might just wanna pour yourselves right into each other, but because of other commitments that you both may have, you, you can't as much as you like. And again, this can be really hard and even physically painful, cuz NRA is just a big, a big feeling. But it can also be really delicious to draw it out.
Sort of like, you know, you have this really incredible engrosing novel that you just wanna read cover to cover in one sitting, but you don't have time. You can only read a few pages at a time. And so that draws out the story and that similarly with, with a new relationship, the, the little bites that you get can really actually prolong and intensify NRE. So if you're like me and you experience NRE as kind of an assault on your nervous system, then it may be a little bit agonizing to not just be able to zoom right through NRA, absorb yourself in it and then move on to the next stage, which is a little more calm and a little more measured and a little more peaceful, but there can also be a lot of joy in feeling that longing and desire for more of something wonderful and feeling like you just can't get enough like that.
That's a pretty incredible feeling and it, and it's it's fleeting, you know, it will eventually go away. So sometimes it can be nice to just enjoy being there space. Also, like I said, frankly can just be a love language for some people. Some people feel a lot of safety knowing that they can go away, maybe get engrossed in their work or dig into a hobby that they're passionate about or really get sucked into NRA or spend time with a, that needs some support and help from them and then be able to come back to you and your arms are open and you're like, oh, I just missed you. That can be a huge relief for some people. I think one of the things that's really important in relationship is that there is space to chase your dreams, whatever they are. And knowing that doing that won't have to cost you love and connection and belonging, even if they take you away for a period of time, sometimes the best way that you can actually support someone you love is to give them the space to self-actualize to really be who they are and, and do what they wanna do.
And also sometimes a relationship can really only exist when there is space between you. I have a number of people in my life who are very clear that they're not interested in being inmeshed engulfed cohabitating or sharing finances. They're building a family or anything, you know, too engrossed because that just wouldn't work for them. And the other commitments they have, whether it's work or hobbies or just their own energy levels and maybe health concerns and things like that. And so they actively seek relationships that allow for the space that they need. And it can happen that also you might wanna be in relationship with somebody and really love them, but there's just not enough overlapping compatibility to be extremely close and be extremely enmeshed too much. Closeness might actually damage the relationship. And so, you know, instead of saying that relationship is a failure or that there's something wrong with it, sometimes the space is what makes the relationship possible and beautiful and wonderful exactly as it is.
Space can also be a really important temporary situation and a relationship sometimes just because there might be some important project that comes up or there might be a family crisis that takes time and attention away, or there might be a, a health emergency or a whole host of other things that might just draw away. Someone's availability to be present with you, but you know, it's not forever. It's just temporary. Sometimes spaces needed for someone to do their own personal healing work. Like they might be reckoning with a personal trauma and more pro to lash out and be easily triggered. And so they might need space to do that healing work before they can go back to being close with you. Sometimes also spaces needed to do healing within the relationship. Sometimes when a relationship is in disrepair, sometimes the first thing to do is not to try to fix everything and immediately make things better and work through it that might not be available. And sometimes the thing to do is actually to create space before you can come back together.
But there are definitely times when space, even with all of its benefits, all of the places where it's needed can be really, really hard. I'll say that it was easy for me to learn, to give my husband the space when he needed it and me to take the space when I needed it. Because even when we've had our Rocky moments, which we have, I think we have always at our core had a very secure relationship. But if you don't feel secure in your relationship space may feel really scary to you. You may be afraid of being forgotten or replaced, or if the relationship is new and you don't feel it's established enough, you may feel like easily disposed of or easily deprioritized. And all of these things can happen. I mean, I wanna say these are really valid fears. It can happen that if a relationship's in a rough place, space can be a way of avoiding dealing with it, or it can be a way of, you know, devaluing de stop investing in the relationship. And instead you can end up pouring your energy into a shiny new relationship that isn't challenging. And so then the space doesn't become this healing thing. The space can become a Gulf. It can also happen that some people do decide to, you know, again, divest from, or even jettison the less established relationships they have when the other parts of their life become unmanageable. And that sucks. And it hurts like hell when it happens and it's not fair.
So those are valid fears, what you probably don't want or from me. But that I have to say is that those things happen. And if the ki that kind of thing is going to happen, there's really nothing you can do to prevent it. Where someone else's attention and energy goes is completely outside of your control. And if you let or fear drive you to not allow that space, because you're afraid that if you allow the space, then you'll lose the relationship that can lead you to act in ways that are actually going to get you farther from what you want. And the ways that I see the two polarities that I see in terms of, of the way the fear based behavior comes out is that you might become clingy, hypervigilant, or controlling, trying to frantically close up any space between you, that you can maybe fighting over how much time you spend together, maybe pushing your partner to be as present as possible with you or the other polarity is you may instead go get withdrawn, go cold wall up, protect yourself, get passive aggressive disconnect, get resentful.
Or you might ping pong between the two. And yes, if I'm, if what I'm describing sounds like attachment styles to you. That is one lens to use attachment styles, or what show up when you're stressed. And some people, again, they might find this kind of space stressful, but engaging in those fear-based stress response behaviors, guess what? They just drive the relationship down, reacting to space with coldness and distance or protests and control that may get your partner's attention, but it's not positive attention. And it's going to create a greater likelihood that you're not just gonna spend less time together, but you're also going to have more emotional distance as well. And this is especially true when space is really needed for relational healing. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, you know, because I often strive for closeness in my relationships, but sometimes distance really is the best medicine.
And so you have to do that thing where you really have to let go and trust that things are meant to be, and that the distance is temporary and that the person you love will come back to you. You have to let them go. And I also wanna voice though that sometimes when there's a lot of space, there just isn't enough togetherness to meet your relational needs. That's a real thing. And if that's true, you may have to decide whether you either a need to seek other relationships romantic or otherwise to fill your cup be evaluate the current relationship you're in. And whether it's giving you as much as you are getting from it. And maybe you have to let that relationship go. And it's important to say that there's no absolute like measure of what, you know, space to quality time. That is the right level for even an individual person, let alone an individual relationship.
Every relationship is different. And so what that relationship needs to thrive can really vary. I mean, some relationships are like cacti and they can thrive with very little water and attention. And others are like delicate orchids that need just the right amount of warmth and just the right amount of light and just the right amount of water to thrive. And if, if you get it wrong, then they're gonna wither and die. But just as much as you can neglect a relationship, fail to water, it fail to give it light. It's worth saying that again, you can also kill a plant by overwatering it and giving it too much sunlight. So sometimes learning to embrace space is the way for you and your relationships to thrive.
Now, that being said again, space may be uncomfortable. So I have some tips for you. Of course I do on how to cope if space is hard. So the first thing is, notice the feelings that come up when you and your beloved are apart when you are having space between you, is there fear what's inside the fear is there desire and longing that something that you could lean into maybe even revel in instead of agonize over? I think one thing that's worth being with is that you can gain a lot of pleasure from your dopamine system and your dopamine system is really about the wanting, not about the having it's one of those paradoxes. We all have to live with that. A lot of times we, the wanting is generated by the not having. And so it can be really rewarding to play in that in between space of longing and then sometimes having, and sometimes not having I, if your nervous system can handle it.
So also I kind of outlined a little while ago, the benefits of space. And so if you can see that there are benefits to the space between you and your partner, maybe turn your attention to those benefits, you know, really notice what is the space giving? Is it, you know, rekindling the spark between you? Is it extending your NRE? Is it giving your partner the space to pursue the things that nurture them or creating space for healing? You know, it's really useful to be in touch with that. It's also okay to feel the, the, the feelings, as I mentioned before that are coming up and also holding how maybe it's necessary. Another thing you can do with space is develop, or just maintain the practices that you need to fill your own cup. I know self care, right? But like, I mean, not just self care, like, you know, be good to yourself, but really take the time to soothe your fears.
Take the time to find your joy interact with this space as maybe even an also an opportunity to see if the relationship can hold that space and learn to let go and have the experience of your partner coming back then that building trust between you and, you know, what I really mean by this is like really you're practicing, loving with an open hand. Also a thing that can be useful is practicing, doing small things to stay connected while still giving space for. And so what that looks like to me is sort of, you know, sending a loving message out to your partner without any implied request or demand for anything back sort of like sending a radar ping and, you know, if you get a ping back, cool, if you don't that's okay too, it's more just sometimes the sending the messages as much for you and, you know, connecting to your love and your emotions as it is getting reassurance from your partner.
That they're still there, even if they're not with you, although that can be good too. It can also be useful to take the long view, whether you're in a new relationship or an established one, really. But I think in this case, I'm more thinking of new relation where you're, maybe there's a lot driving you to wanna be together, but you can't be together nearly as much as you want. It's worth understanding that if this relationship is one that you want to have last, which, you know, not every relationship's meant to last, but a lot of relationships, if you want them to last, they're a marathon, not a sprint. And so if you can remember that, even if you don't get a huge abundance of time together up front, you can still build your relationship with the bricks of time. And I don't just mean the time you get together, but the longevity over time, you build brick by brick and eventually you keep at it and you have this beautiful enduring relationship.
And in fact, I've found that some of my most enduring relationships, aren't the ones that got built quickly, but slowly over time. So it, it can be really relieving to let go of that urgency and just develop a sort of steady, consistent pace and allow the story of your relationship to unfold. And that can be really rewarding. Another thing that can help is actually willing to use the time that you do have together as though there was more of it than maybe there is, or that it feels like there is. So allow the time that you have together to just be together sometimes or even to have those difficult conversations that might be hard and intense. And that might be how you spend your time together talking about deep and difficult things that might be kind of a downer, cuz I think a thing that can happen when time feels scarce is that you only want it to be fun and joyful.
You wanna use all of your time for peak experiences or fancy date or put a lot of pressure on yourself to have always have hot sex or whatever. And I think it's useful to be with the fact that just because I'm as scarce, every moment doesn't have to be that peak experience, just like, you know, a TV show. That's telling a very long story over many seasons. Some of those episodes are just character development and exposition and maybe they're not the most thrilling episodes, but they're still essential to the whole story. So don't neglect those and try to just always have it be super entertaining. Another thing is learning to practice letting go of attachment to outcome and really enjoy what is and openly vocally appreciate it instead of, you know, keeping focused on what you don't have or how it's not enough.
Also last thing, if you really are feeling time is scarce and you're feeling squeezed, which may or may not be a temporary thing. It's okay to, to share together in the grief. If things truly aren't enough, instead of that, being this thing that you fight over, it can be a thing that you share with each other, sometimes what's needed in order for that to happen is you need to be able to have an emotional boundary around laying or taking blame or feeling responsible or feeling like you need to fix it. Sometimes a thing like, Ugh, I just wish we had more time together and there so much space between us. And that's hard sometimes just letting that be there and being something that you both name and acknowledge together. And maybe that's not what you would prefer, but there's nobody that's doing anything wrong.
And it doesn't mean there's anything bad. It just is. Sometimes that can be really useful and connecting instead of, you know, painful. So those are my tips for how to be with the space. And I think the other thing is just, it's nice to say that I miss you. It's nice to say that. I wish I got more time with you. I said that to a really close friend of mine. Recently, we say it a lot to each other because we're always struggling to find time together. And I think just saying yeah, I miss you is sometimes one of the most wonderful healing things you can say, even to someone that you're super duper close with and have known for a very long time. So to recap, space, time apart missing each other, longing for each other, that can be challenging sometimes, but also it can be really beneficial in all kinds of relationships.
And sometimes it can even be essential. Sometimes what's needed though in order for that space to feel like a gift or feel like something we need to learn to accept is that we need to change our relationship to it and connect to the opportunities that are there in having more space. But also I will want to tell you that I am making a pledge to you all as I continue to navigate all of my commitments and responsibilities that I am committed to, first of all, not having nearly as much space between you, my listeners and this podcast as I have had over the past month and a half. And also I didn't really touch on this earlier. I'm gonna touch on it now. If you do need to take space, it's really good to give a heads up or to acknowledge it when you are the one taking space unexpectedly. And I apologize very deeply for the, the unexpected amount of space that I have taken between the last episode and this one, but also I am so grateful to you. All of you who are listening to this show for your understanding, for your support and for staying with me as we continue on this journey together.
Thank you so much for joining me today. If you have any thoughts about what I've said or question for my show, I'd definitely love to hear from you. You can reach me on my website, Libbysimback.com. You can email me at Libby Libby simback.com or you can connect me on Facebook or Instagram. I'll also say that if you're loving my podcasts, but maybe you're feeling like your relationship could use more help. This is the work I do with my coaching clients every day. If you're interested, you can set up a free introductory session with me to see if coaching might be a good fit for you. There's a link in the podcast description for you to sign up, or you can just go to talk to libby.com. Slots are limited though. And one thing I've heard from some folks is that they have a hard time finding a slot and that's just because sometimes I'm very busy and I just encourage you to keep checking back because those slots keep opening up over time on a rolling basis. If you think this podcast is awesome, please share it with your friends too, share it with your network, share it with your Facebook groups, et cetera, and make sure to subscribe. So you don't miss it episode. Also, if you listen on iTunes or Stitcher, it makes a big difference. If you leave a review or a comment, because that helps more people find the show, the algorithms really like that. Again, thanks so much for being with me today and I'll talk to you soon.
