Who's it for?
In this episode, Libby outlines 3 different scenarios in which it's unclear who is the giver and who is the receiver, and how to use a magical tool called the Wheel of Consent to help answer this question.
Betty Martin's website: https://bettymartin.org/
The Wheel of Consent: https://bettymartin.org/videos/
Transcript
So it's November and we're heading into gift-giving season and gift-buying season. And it got me to thinking about giving and receiving. And I wanted to do this episode today about a particular aspect of giving and receiving that. I think not enough people talk about what is it? Well, you'll just have to listen and see…
So to open this episode, I'm gonna start with three different scenarios that all have one important thing in common. So in the first scenario, there are two people who are in a relationship, Anton and Morgan, and Anton wants to show Morgan and how much they love her. And so they decide to buy her a whole big bouquet arrangement of flowers. And it's a super expensive spend for them, which feels really lovely and extravagant and good to them to do that. And they pick out this beautiful arrangement that they are so sure that Morgan is going to love, and they set it out on the kitchen counter and wait for Morgan to come home with a great amount of excitement and enthusiasm. Morgan comes home and not as excited about it as Anton was hoping Morgan, as it turns out, although she doesn't mention it at the moment that she receives these flowers, doesn't really like cut flowers that much.
She regards them as an unnecessary expense, somewhat of a cliche gesture, which kind of turns her off. And also flowers just die too quickly in a Vaz. And it makes her feel sad to throw away wilting flowers. So kind of a swinging a miss for Anton, second scenario. And this scenario by the way includes some discussion of sexual act. So if that's gonna make you uncomfortable, for any reason, you can just skip this little part here. So Jesse and Chris are having sex with each other. And Chris says to Jesse, I want to go down on you until you come like a train. Now Jesse thinks to themselves, well, that sounds like a lovely offer. And, and you know, that's so generous of Chris, I guess I should take them up on it. And so Jesse agrees and says, yes, let's do that. And so Chris makes their way between Jesse's thighs and starts going to town.
And meanwhile, Jesse kind of thinking, oh wait, I, I kind of had a big burrito for dinner. I don't know if I'm actually gonna be able to relax into this, cuz things are a little gurgly in my stomach. And also, I don't know, I'm kind of tired, but you know, Chris really wants to do this as things progress. Jesse's like, well, I hope they're still having fun down there. I don't know if I'm gonna actually come, you know, this feels nice. I could continue to do it, especially if Chris is enjoying it, but I could also stop. But you know, Jesse is not quite sure how to say all of that in the moment. And yet when Chris finally does decide to move on to another activity and stops, Jesse's kind of relieved that they've moved on to something else. Last scenario, Lee has an aunt, Judy and aunt Judy loves to knit.
If you are related to aunt Judy, you can pretty much guarantee that you're going to get something for any of the major gift-giving holidays, including birthdays and true to form. Judy has knit Lee, a beautiful cable knit sweater for his birthday. Well, there's a problem with that. Lee can see that aunt Judy spent hours and hours. Kniting this beautiful sweater and it is truly a work of craftsmanship, but Lee doesn't really like wearing sweaters, especially chunky cable-knit sweaters. They kind of are not really working with Lee's silhouette. And also Judy knits, her sweaters out of wool. And Lee really doesn't like wearing wool. It's a little too scratchy. His skin it's his skin is very sensitive. So he's stuck with this beautiful cable knit sweater and he feels really guilty that he's probably not gonna be able to wear it. So what do these three scenarios have in common?
You know, you might think love languages, but that is not quite it in this case. I mean, yes, it is true that in all these scenarios, it would be a good idea for the people to communicate better with each other about what they truly want and what they don't want. But the other thing that I think is more important about these three scenarios that they have in common is that in all three of these scenarios, it is unclear to both of the people in each scenario who the gift is for. So we have an assumption. I think that when there is giving and receiving, going on that usually the giver is also the person who is doing the doing and the person who is being done too, is the recipient of the gift. But as I'm gonna go into assuming that can actually be a problem and the tool that I'm going to use to explain this to you today is something that I have been waiting to talk to you about for a long time, which is the wheel of consent.
So the wheel of consent is a framework created Betty Martin, who is a sexologist and intimacy coach. And if you want to know more about the wheel of consent, I'm just gonna go into it just a little bit. And Betty Martin has really created a gift to the world by creating the wheel of consent. And she has a lot of wonderful stuff on her website. She's written in a book and I just really encourage you to check out her work. She's done several wonderful videos on the wheel of consent. Her work really is a gift to the world, but so let me describe now the wheel of consent to you. So the wheel of consent is built on two AEs and the access is the one that I just described, which is who is doing the doing and who is being done to. So in the case of, you know, Anton and Morgan, for instance, with the flowers, Anton would be the doer providing the flowers and Morgan would be the person being done to receiving the flowers.
And then the second access it that crosses the first axis is who is the gift for? So on one side, it is the person who is the giver and on the other side is the person who is the receiver of the gift. Now from those axis, you make a circle around the center of the, where, where the axis cross, and you end up with four quadrants. And in each quadrant you have a different role that you play in giving and receiving two of the quadrants, each interact with each other. You have when you are the doer and you are also the giver, then you are in the serving quadrant. If you are the person being done too, and you are the recipient, you are in the accepting quadrant. And again, I think with gift-giving, that is generally how we think we're operating.
You know, if I'm giving to you, it is the gift is for you. And if you are receiving the gift, then the gift is for you, right? However, there are these other two quadrants. There is the taking quadrant and the allowing quadrant. So the taking quadrant is when you are doing the doing, but the doing is a gift to and then the allowing quadrant, you are having things done to you, but the gift is not for you. The gift is for the person doing the doing. Now, here is the thing about the serving and accepting quadrants. The reason why Betty Martin call calls the wheel of consent, the wheel of consent is because the idea is, if you are having something done to you, that is for you, ideally you would be actually wanting whatever it is that's happening to you. You will have consented to that.
You will have asked for it, or you will have been asked what you would like, and you would be invited to tell someone what you want. And therefore, when you are being given a gift, it is actually something you want to receive. And again, how do we find that out? Well, you ask or you tell someone, how would you like me to love you? What kind of sexy things would you like me to do to you right now? What kind of gifts do you like to receive? If any, on your birthday or at any other major gift giving holiday? And we don't really have a practice of doing this. I don't think instead what tends to happen is, you know, there's an expectation. Not to communicate about what you'd actually like to receive. The idea is that people who love us, who truly know us or who are good lovers, should just know what we would like.
And if they don't know, then they either aren't parent paying attention or they just don't care, or they're not very skilled or, or what have you. And this expectation of mind reading just has so many problems with it. I understand that we do it in part because we have this cultural conditioning around it in part because of insecurity, like we don't wanna make a mistake and we don't wanna admit that we don't know. And in part, because, you know, it's, it's really vulnerable to put your needs and wants out there to someone and not know if someone is willing to actually meet those things or not. Or if you're asking for too much or too little, et cetera, it's much better to just sort of sit back and hope you get what you want. But if we don't solicit what our loved ones actually want from us or state, the kinds of things we would like to receive from the people we love, we, and we are generally just guessing then the data that we use to guess is what we like, you know, what we want to give or what we would like to receive, or, or sometimes, you know, just what we think is the best thing we have to offer.
And you know, this is kind of further compounded by the idea that whatever we are willing to give should be both joyfully given and gratefully received in equal measure. And the problem with that is that then there's this pressure on the side of the other person to receive it well, because like our competence at giving and the value of what we have worked so hard to offer. And, you know, our skill as a lover are determined by how acceptable our offering is to the other person. And so if they don't like it, we might feel crushed like a failure. We might feel unseen. Like we're not enough. And meanwhile, our partner or loved one might feel unheard, unseen, potentially UN cared for, or just put pressure on to take something that they don't know if they actually want and act happy about it. You know?
And in the meantime, they may not be actually getting what they want. And like I said, they have to protect your feelings so that they have to act happy when they're not it's, it's such an inauthentic dance, honestly. And yet I wanna say that it's okay. If you really want to give someone, you love something that you want to give because you want give it not necessarily, because it's the thing that they most want. It's okay to have them just receive that from you. And that be for your enjoyment. That is why I think these other two quadrants in the wheel of consent, the taking and the allowing are so important. It would be beautiful. I think if we go back to these original scenarios and, you know, obviously, you know, it would be nice if Anton knew the way to show Morgan love and the way that she most wanted to be loved.
But what if Anton really just wanted to buy Morgan flowers? They could do that. They'd just have to check with Morgan to make sure Morgan was willing to receive them. Same with Chris and Jesse, if the going down and on Jesse is really about what Chris wants to do and Chris's enjoyment, then Chris could just say more than once. Hey, just so you know, I'm having a great time. I am loving this and I'm so glad you're willing to allow me to do this with you. And anytime you feel done with it, it's totally okay. And with the sweater and aunt Judy, let's be real here, knitters y'all knit, cuz y'all like to knit, but you know, if somebody really doesn't want what you are kniting, then they shouldn't be forced to receive it or they should be asked if they're willing to. I hope that you're getting the gist here.
And I wanna just spend a little more time talking about these taking and allowing quadrants because I think they're so poorly understood and explored. And I think that we often find ourselves operating in these quadrants without knowing it or intending to. And I wanted to give you some tools for navigating those situations better. If you find yourself there now, as you're listening, many of you may be thinking about out times when you've been on the receiving end of a gift or a loving act or a sexual interaction that you were kind of met on or even just straight up weren't into. But the other person expected you to accept it as though it was a gift for you. And I do want to address how to handle that. But before I go of that, I want you to first think about the times when you are the one who is doing the doing and where you really are, is not in the serving quadrant, but in the taking quadrant.
And so you're doing the doing, but the gift is for you, but you didn't actually check to make sure that was a, okay. Now I'm guessing that may be an uncomfortable place to sit, but I do want you to sit with that for a minute. Cause I think it happens a lot now, again, there's nothing wrong with wanting to give someone a gift for your own enjoyment of giving it. It's just so important to acknowledge that and wherever possible, actually in with the person who's on the receiving end and make sure that they're willing to allow that. I know it may seem weird to ask for consent to give someone a gift, but I just, I actually wanna tell you a story about that. That really illustrated this for me. So years ago I met a friend who I just absolutely adore. We'll call them RO for lunch.
Now we had a wonderful lunch. We talked, we connected and you know, then it came to be the end of the meal and the check came and, you know, I knew that I made more money than Aurora and they were often pretty upfront about the fact that they operated on a pretty low income and didn't have a lot of, of extra to spend. And that certain things like eating out weren't often accessible to them. So I just decided to pay the check. So when the check came, I snatched it away from them. And I said, I've got this. And you know, this is a really common practice. Apparently as I found out later, mostly among middle class, an upper middle class and upper class folk. On my husband's side of the family, it can be actually a little game of like playing, who can steal the check when everyone's out to dinner and sneakily pay it before anybody knows about it.
But my friend was not into this game and did not actually appreciate the move that I was making. And thankfully they were willing to tell me why it wasn't okay with them. They told me that they didn't like being forced to accept my gift of paying the check for them, that they actually would rather be asked and be allowed to refuse if they didn't want. They said that it was really uncomfortable and embarrassing to just have their agency taken away like that. And that it's kind of a classist move that can actually be hurtful. I really took that in and I was really grateful that they told me that and I asked them for a redo and thankfully they were willing to give it to me. And I said to them, okay, so I would really love to be able to pay for our lunch together, if you would be willing to let me do that, that would, that would be a gift to me.
And then they agreed. And then I paid and it was a really great lesson that the gift that gift of paying the check was really for me, maybe they also appreciate edit it, but maybe who knows it would've felt really good to them to pay for their own food, to treat themselves. Maybe that would've felt really empowering and awesome. And they were really looking forward to that experience and me paying without asking them, would've taken that away from them. You just never know. And that's why it's really good to ask, you know, sometimes a gift that you wanna give could actually be experienced as hurtful or triggering to someone else. And I also think it's good to get clear with yourself, whether it's important to you, that the person you are giving the gift to truly enjoys or expresses gratitude for their gift. Because if that is really important to you, it's important probably to put yourself in the serving quadrant instead of staying in the taking quadrant.
And the way you get into the serving quadrant is to find out what they want. Or you might wanna be clear about what your expectations are when they are willing to receive the gift from you. That part of the gift of receiving from you is also saying thank you, or maybe just praising what you've given them or acknowledging that or something like that. But again, if you want it to be a consensual exchange, like really, really good and consensual and rewarding and feeling good, it really needs to be up to how they react, how they respond, their feelings need to be theirs and not this performance to make you feel okay, that are built on all these unspoken expectations to love what you're doing. Just because you're intending it to be a gift for them, forcing someone to receive something from you that you haven't checked with about whether they like it or not.
And then expecting them to like it and being really bummed out and upset when they don't like it can. To me, I experience that as controlling and I have seen people be super controlling when it comes to being a giver, look at all I do for you. You should be grateful. Why don't you appreciate me? Maybe it isn't what you actually want, but can't you see all of my love and good intent, you know, behind this giving really what that's doing is asking the other person to do a lot of work to please you about what you're doing when supposedly you're pleasing them. If they don't like it, that's not a sign that they're an ungrateful lout it's a sign that it's unclear who the gift is for. And ultimately it can really feel like you're potentially forcing them to be inauthentic with you.
Like I said, you know, it's okay. If what you really want to do is perform oral sex on your partner and they're willing to let you, but that it's for your enjoyment. It's okay. If you want to knit a sweater for someone, because it brings you joy. It's okay to wanna buy your partner flowers because you love buying flowers, but it can just make such a world of difference for the person on the receiving end of that. You make sure that it's okay to do that. And that that's something that they're willing to receive. And also being able to detach from expectations about how much they might like it. So now what I wanna talk about is if you're finding yourself in that allowing quadrant, and you're not actually, you have an actually been asked if you're allowing something or not. And so you feel a little stuck.
Well, so first of all, if you know that the other person is trying to give you a gift that is for you, it can be helpful to try to give that person feedback, to help them know how they can get themselves into the serving quadrant. If with they really want from you is for you to be in the accepting rather than, than the allowing quadrant. Now, this can be challenging if the person is going to feel criticized and defensive, but if that's what you're anticipating from them, but you do wanna try to give them the message that, Hey, maybe you should ask me what I would like to receive from you then just maybe send them this episode to listen to so that they can be open and receptive to your feedback on what you do and don't want from them about and about exactly what you do want.
I think this is especially important. If you are in a sexual relationship with somebody and you're feeling like you're on the receiving end of things, that aren't really for you or aren't really what you like that really does need to change. Or I think both of you are actually on your way to a big pile of resentment together. I also just wanna, if this makes you uncomfortable, I wanna invite you into a reframe on telling someone what you'd actually like to receive from them. Because what I think is that it's not being, you know, demanding or difficult instead, I regard giving guidance about what kinds of things you would like to receive and what kinds of gifts are really gonna land well with you as helping the people who love you, succeed with you and bring you the kind of joy that they want to be able to bring.
That is my hope, right? That the person who loves you, that they care more about actually making you happy than proving their mind, treating prowes or, you know, not having the are ego bruised by the fact that they don't already know what to give you. You can also tell your beloved that you are fine with allowing them to give you the thing that the part that they want to give you, but it's important to be clear with them also what their expectations are and be clear with them about how you are going to be able to authentically respond to the gift that they're giving you in that vein. It's also important to get clear whether they are trying to give to you with the expectation of reciprocation. You know, this is another tricky thing, right? Just because someone wanted to do something for you does not mean that you have to reciprocate, unless that's also something you want to do or are willing to do because as the person requested it of you, you're not obligated by someone else's actions to give to them.
And that definitely goes for sex too. The communication around both of these things can feel uncomfortable because we're not really taught to do it, but I think it's important to overcome that and lean into helping each other, Dan one another better, because I think that can lead to a greater depth of care, love, and connection. And you know, as I say this, some of you might be resisting this. Some of the, some of you might be uncomfortable with being super forthright about the kinds of things you'd like to receive and the kinds of things you wouldn't like to receive. Maybe you don't wanna shut your partner down. And maybe you're also, it's gonna feel really stilted to like, have these upfront discussions about the kind, the ways you like to receive love and care and gifts and sex. But while I do think it does sometimes require some awkwardness and some really direct, upfront communication that might be uncomfortable.
What it's gonna build for you over time is some good data that you can operate from. And then once you've got that data, then there can be this culture between you and the people you love of excellently giving to each other and receiving from one another, without a whole lot of ongoing conversation about it. You will just know, but you'll know because you asked and again, that can lead everyone to feel a whole lot more confident about what they're doing. I'll add though, that even once you have gotten more clear on what everybody wants and is willing to do or allow it's important to also keep checking on it, things can and do change. And it's worth checking in periodically to make sure that you have the most up to date information. So if you're on the allowing end with someone, with whom you just don't have the kind of relationship to be able to have that feedback, say a family member who just wants to be able to give what they wanna give.
And then have you say, thank you for it. Whether or not you wanted it. Here's what I can offer you. First thing you get to decide if you want to receive from them with a whole heart, I wanna be clear. Nobody gets to decide what your feelings are, but you, if you're really not able to receive at all from them with a whole heart, you don't have to, you can actually refuse to accept the other person may not like it in the short term, but honestly, if it feels like a true violation to you to be forced to accept something that you really don't want, it's important to not let that person do that to you. It's gonna damage your relationship that said, sometimes you, you don't wanna, you don't wanna rock the boat, I get it. And so you just wanna allow the gift and let it go.
And I think that's where a lot of us land, especially around the holiday case, but it can be helpful even then to just understand that you are giving them a gift by receiving from them. And maybe that alone can make you just feel less manipulated. And, you know, even if they don't know what quadrant they're in. And that the gift is for them, you know it, and you know, if you gotta be a little fake to keep them is going smooth, if you know, it's expected to express gratitude and you don't feel controlled by that, then it's okay to just say, thank you even if you don't mean it, I'm gonna give you permission to do that. You can choose to be generous if you want. And if you get complaints about not being grateful enough, you can just let that roll off your back.
I think, because I, again, I don't say that that's a reasonable or fair expectation to have of somebody that they perform. Something that they don't really feel, and there's nothing wrong. If you don't feel it, it's a perfectly reasonable response to not feel grateful for getting something that you don't actually want. And also, I want to say that once you have accepted something that someone wanted to give you for am, and you've decided to give them the gift of receiving it after you have received it, whatever it is, you get to decide what you want to do with it. We're approaching gift-giving season soon. And I just wanna give everyone permission here right now and henceforth. If someone gives you a gift, especially if it's an object that you truly do not want, you may open it. You may say, thank you. You may take it home. And then you can, Reif it sell it, put it in the back of your closet or throw it away. You are not required to enjoy the gift or perform using it or anything that you don't wanna do. No, no one has any business controlling what you do or how you feel through a gift that they're giving you. I give you permission to release yourself from that.
So to recap, it can be truly powerful to make the mindset shifts around, giving with an eye on consent and using the wheel of consent as a framework to help you navigate this. It can be really valuable to make sure you are clear on what quadrant in the wheel that you are actually in. And then think about what quadrant you would like to be in, and then figure out what you need so that you can actually operate from that quadrant. If possible, if what you really want to be doing is serving, then make sure you have good data on what the person actually wants. And if taking is really you want where you wanna be, it's important to get permission being present with who the gift is really for can save you a lot of mismatches and heartache and frustration, and can really help you come into a more authentic connection with somebody so that you can both give to and receive from each other with honesty and consent.
