There's Nothing to Fear
LIbby talks about how important it is to talk about fears with our partners. How we respond when our partner shares a fear with us can make a tremendous difference in how we tend to them and ourselves.
Transcript
One of the things that comes up a lot in polyamory, and it can come up when you're new to it for sure, but I think it can come up at really any time in a relationship that you're invested in, is that sometimes you can just get scared. You know, sometimes you can just start to worry about what might happen, what ways your relationship might change, what type of things might happen, especially if there's a new partner in the picture or something's even changing in an established relationship. There are all kinds of fears, that can come up. And sometimes your partner might be experiencing a fear that doesn't make any sense to you at all. In fact, it's something that they're afraid of that you know, would never happen. Or it's something that, you know, you'd never do. And, you know, one of my favorite terms, and I did not come up with this term, it's called brain weasels.
Like, sometimes brain weasels can just like, wind their way through your brain and create a lot of worry and anxiety for you. And if that's something that's coming up for your partner and they're sharing a fear that they have, or something that they're really worried about, one of the things that I see a lot is this drive to just reassure your partner that that's not gonna happen. And maybe even tell them, man, I'm, I'm really hurt that you'd even think that, that I would do that to you, or that this would happen. Like, just as an example, you know, one of my, my partners is, not living with me and we're long distance right now. And I expressed a worry that, you know, what, if, what if you meet someone and you decide to be monogamous with them, or they decide that they don't want me in the picture, because they find our relationship threatening, or, maybe they just need like all of your time and attention.
And, you know, to be clear, if that happened, I would actually, if that was what my partner wanted and what would make them happy, then I'd be actually okay with that. I mean, I wouldn't be okay, okay? Because I really love my partner and I want us to be together forever. But I also know that, you know, our lives take the turns that they take and sometimes forever doesn't work out, or it's not possible, or it doesn't make sense anymore. And, and I want my partner to be happy. And if they met someone who is asking them to be monogamous, and that was what was gonna make them happy, I'd, I'd want that for them. But I can also worry about what that might feel like for me and how hard that might be, and the tremendous loss that I might feel. And so my partner might feel inclined to just reassure me to say, oh, baby, that would never happen.
You're a non-negotiable for me in your, in my life. And I would never, I would never leave you for someone else if they asked me to. Like, I just wouldn't do that. And sometimes reassurance can feel nice. I don't wanna say you should never reassure somebody, but actually I kind of do wanna say you should never reassure somebody as your first move. And I wanna tell you why. So I'm gonna give you a different example here. Imagine that you are a parent, and I know some folks who listen to this podcast are parents. And, maybe they have even young children, and maybe they have a child who sometimes they're tucking them in bed and their child is afraid of the dark, or they're afraid there's a monster under their bed and they say, oh, daddy, I am scared to go to sleep because there's a monster under my bed.
And, you know, that there's not a monster under their bed, or at least you're fairly confident. I mean, who knows, right? We never do know. You could choose one of two ways to respond to your child. You could say, oh, sweetie, there are no monsters under your bed. You are perfectly safe, and I am nearby if you need anything. So, I just want you to go to sleep. Now, Lord knows that would be a valid response. But try this one on for size. Oh, sweetie, it's dark in here. I can see why you might be scared and you can't see under your bed while you're in it. And so I can understand you might be nervous about what might be under there. It's okay for you to be afraid. I understand I'm not afraid, and I'll be nearby to keep you safe.
But, if you need me to stay with you a little longer, or if you need me to check under the bed for you, I'd be so happy to do that. But I'm here just like sitting with those two responses. I wonder which one really sits in your system and feels really good? The first one where the person's fears are just sort of dismissed, reassured, or the one where it's like, oh yeah, you're scared. I hear that. I see you. Do you hear the difference? The first one is validating. The first one is saying, Hey, I can see why you might feel that. I can see why you might feel that. It's not about me. It's not about like how safe the bed is. It's not about how much I have proven that there is no monster under there. It's about this child and what's going on in their head and how their imagination might be running wild.
And maybe they just saw a movie about monsters under the bed. It's really actually reassuring from the, person who's having the fears standpoint to have someone say that they can see and understand why they'd be scared, and to just be there with them while they're scared. And when I think about what a lot of times what we want when we are expressing our fears is that we're not asking our person to tell us that our fears aren't real. Because, if we are feeling those fears, we probably sad and asked ourselves if they're real or not. And if we're expressing them, then we truly don't know. And again, maybe what we're looking for is reassurance, but sometimes what we might be looking for instead is comfort and soothing and compassion and understanding. And the way that you can give your partner that is by validating their fear.
By acknowledging their fear, doesn't mean you have to agree with it. Agreement and acknowledgement aren't the same thing. And again, it's important to note this is, this is more boundary work. And if you want an example of this kind of boundary that I'm talking about, you can listen to the episode I recorded called How Could You Think That of Me? Because, in that episode, one of the things I say is, let's say someone does have a fear that you would do something that you know in your heart of, heart of hearts that you would never do, and hearing your partner worry that you might do it, makes you feel hurt, makes you feel unseen, makes you feel alone. I do wanna tell you those feelings are valid, and I can understand that. And at the same time, if that person is feeling what they're feeling and you know, in your heart of hearts that is not you, then it's not about you.
It's about them. And, you know, just as an example, what if your, partner is worried that you might cheat on them, you know, and you know for sure that you would, would never cheat on a partner that's just completely outside your ethics, but they've had the experience of being cheated on before, maybe even multiple times. So that fear feels really real and alive to them. And for you to say, of course, you feel scared of being cheated on that's happened to you before, that's a real lived experience you've had. I can totally understand why you're feeling afraid of that. How could I make you feel safe right now? What could I do to let you know that I see or fear, but I'm not afraid? It's a slight difference. And again, it's not saying, I'm not saying don't reassure them. You can, but before you do, just acknowledge, validate where you can and wherever you can see the truth, name it with them and offer them that you are there with them in that fear that you are not afraid.
And whatever they're expressing to you doesn't scare you away, and, that you can handle whatever they're feeling. If you can, obviously, if you're triggered, you know, take your own break. Sit with your own feelings, but as much as you can, try to make it about them and not about you. I gave this advice recently to some new clients of mine who are brand new to polyamory. And I think especially in situations like what they're in doing, that first step of acknowledging and where you can validating a fear can do so much for not just building trust and building, feelings of security, but also for that person who does have those irrational fears, it makes them feel just less stupid bringing them up. You know, because when you're new to something, a lot of whackadoodle fears might come up for you. And, I think especially when you're new and maybe you're trying to get out of a monogamy mindset or trying to reorient yourself in a new situation, and, you know, we all wanna feel confident and secure and okay and not scared.
And so when we express fears and then we feel them being immediately dismissed or immediately reassured, sometimes we feel dumb for bringing them up. And so that acknowledgement and that validation just makes us feel more at ease with ourselves. You know, it's also a form of co-regulation. I I it really builds closeness. So, I encourage you to try it and really try to notice when you have that first reaction to reassure, maybe take a breath, maybe try to go inside a little bit, acknowledge what you know to be true about yourself, and then try to turn towards your partner with love.
I promise it'll make a difference. So to recap, it's really normal to have lots of irrational fears, or even rational ones, in changing relational situations. And if that is coming up for someone that you care about, that you're in relationship with and they're bringing those fears up to you, try to hold back on the instinct to first reassure and maybe even dismiss their fears. And instead, try acknowledging and validating. First, it'll help build closeness. It'll actually have a better impact in reassuring them as well. It'll help build trust. It'll help them feel safer bringing up those fears in the future, and it'll help you both feel closer.
