The Practice of Gentleness
Using a real, raw story from her own life, Libby talks about the day-to-day, minute-to-minute practice of gentleness in relationships.
Transcript
In all my experience and training and research on relationships. What I've learned is that people who have the kinds of satisfying, loving, close relationships that I think so many of us want are at the end of the day, really just very gentle with each other. And in our culture, this kind of softness is unfortunately conflated with weakness. A lot of us didn't grow up with gentleness in our families of origin and in popular culture. If we see it at all, it is often mocked. So what does this really look like in action? And how can you achieve this kind of gentleness in your own life and relationships?
So I said that there are few examples in popular culture of people being truly gentle with each other presented in a way that's actually loving and functional and extolling it as a virtue rather than a weakness. One of the few striking exceptions I can think of is frankly, a children's show that you may have heard of Mr. Rogers neighborhood. I'm honestly obsessed with this show at my house during TV time on weekends, before I let my kids turn on paw patrol or PJ masks or whatever they might be eager for. I turn on an episode of Mr. Rogers. I don't even really mind if my kids don't watch it because it's not for them. It's for me another example in pop culture, although very old pop culture is a movie called Harvey, which was also originally written as a stage play the movie Harvey stars, of course, James, without giving away all of the plot, because it's a truly delightful movie that you should go watch.
If you've never seen it. Stewart plays a character called Elwood P Dowd who has two distinctive features in the film. One is that he's best friends with an invisible six-foot-tall white rabbit named Harvey. The other is that he is warm and gentle with everyone. He meets at one point in the movie, Elwood states that this way of being is quite intentional. He says years ago, my mother used to say to me in world Elwood, you must be, oh, so smart or oh, so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. Oh. And then he says, and you may quote me. I first encountered Harvey when my high school put on the play. I wanna say during my sophomore or junior year of high school, and that quote really impacted me because I've always been very smart and okay, now here's a vulnerable admission.
I didn't have a lot of friends that quote made me think I could choose to be different if I wanted to. So I wanted to learn how to be more pleasant, but I wanted to it in such a way that I didn't lose my authentic self or become a martyr. I wanted to be soft, but also strong and fully me. I'm now 40. And it's only been recently that I felt like maybe just, maybe I'm getting the hang of it. I watch Mr. Rogers on the weekends because watching him is a good reminder to me, of how I want to move through the world and interact with people. And Fred Rogers and Elwood P Dow have something in common. Rogers is often held up by the public as some kind of Saint, but his wife is quick to point out that he worked very hard to become who he was.
And he worked hard at it every day. I imagine that he was passionate about teaching children, emotional intelligence, because it was so personally important to him in his life in an ongoing way. And that's what it's been for me, an ongoing discipline. I wasn't raised to be gentle. I learned from me young age, how to be right. And I was very good at it. So I have had to work hard to cultivate a different way of relating in myself. And I've worked to make it a cornerstone in how my family operates. And so I want to show you now that this isn't some unattainable ideal, it's something practice at home and sometimes fail at every day at my house warning though, what I'm about to share is not clean and beautiful. And honestly, when I talk to my partners about sharing this interaction, we all worried that we all sound like we're big assholes.
And the issue that comes up for us also may sound to you like hashtag first world problems. But as I hope, you'll see, that's kind of the point. So here's the scene. I'm home with two of my partners, Anna and Drew, Anna doesn't live with us, but they stay at our house often. And by the way, just so you can follow this story. Anna uses they then pronouns. So when I say they I'm often referring to the singular them, but I will sometimes be referring to Anna and Drew as them as well. If the singular they pronouns aren't as familiar to you, I get just do your best here. Anyhow, my mom also lives with us and my two young kids are home too, but they must have been somewhere else in the house because they manage not to interrupt this exchange that I'm going to tell you about.
So it's Christmas day, I'm in the kitchen and Anna comes in and broaches the topic of what to have for dinner. As a household, we have a family meal every evening and we plan out our dinners each week, rotating who cooks, but we decided to wing it on Christmas for various reasons. Anna works at a restaurant and because the restaurant was closed for the holiday, they had brought a bunch of Asian eggplant and some fancy fish that would've gone bad. There was also some firm tofu that Drew had bought is going to marinate his technique for making this tofu is incredible. I, I don't usually like tofu, but the way he makes it is Ugh, flavorful and delicious, both Drew and Anna are exceptional cooks as is my mom, which is part of what makes family meals. Something that I really look forward to anyhow, Anna per opposes, that they will cook dinner and suggests using the tofu and the Asian eggplant to make a green Curry.
And I can tell they have already broached this idea to Drew. And I know Drew likes green Curry, so I'm sure he's on board. However, I'm not into it. First of all, I don't really like green Curry. Like if I am hungry and there's nothing else I'll eat it, but it's not my favorite. And I also don't love spicy food as much as Drew and Anna do. And green Curry does tend to be a bit spicy. I also know my mom doesn't love green Curry and that the kids just won't eat it because it's green. But, but honestly I have to confess the bigger reason that I wasn't into this idea is that I really, like I said, I really love the way Drew marinates in sautes tofu. And I was really looking forward to him making it. So I respond with, to Anna with something like, eh, I don't really like green Curry and neither does my mom, but I'd really love it.
If Drew marinated the tofu the way he usually does. And I also love the way he does the Asian eggplant. So maybe he can cook dinner tonight. Anna makes a face and responds in a tur way with something like, okay, fine. A nd immediately walks off. And I'm like, oh, because whenever anybody says, okay, fine. And then walks off. I know that things are anything but fine. Then I hear Anna in the living room sharing my response with Drew. And I hear Drew scoff at my quick dismissal of the plan. So now they both seem unhappy with me and I am feeling ganged up on, I'm also feeling like my objections to the meal are being invalidated. Another thing that comes up quickly is like, I made the wrong choice in that I am yet again, being a wet blanket or a squeaky wheel, which is unfortunately often my role in our family.
I am also a little bit worried by Anna's withdrawal. They, they seem hurt as though my objection is personal and about them when that's not what I intended at all, it's making me feel a bit controlled. Like it's more important to them that I fake excitement over the green Curry to protect their feelings, rather than be honest about what I really want a lot feels yucky to me right now. And I'm not really sure what to do. So I pause for a moment. A lot is probably happening very quickly in my brain. I think I'm feeling angry and maybe ashamed, Anna seems hurt, and I'm not sure why, but the story I'm making up is that they're upset with me for not loving their idea. And that annoys me because it's not fair to ask me to love every idea they have. If it doesn't work for me, Drew also seems annoyed with me and I'm not sure why they're either, but the story I'm making up in my head is that he's either upset that I made Anna upset or maybe he hates that I'm shooting down an idea seemed very good and straightforward to him.
He's much more of a go along to get along type person. And I'm imagining that he hates that. I tend to be so picky. I'll pause the story here and say that maybe to you, this story seems kind of small and silly, but that is the point. It is an everyday sort of interaction. And maybe as you're hearing this, you're empathizing with one of us here. Maybe you're more like me. Maybe you're more of the squeaky wheel, or maybe you're more like Anna and are sensitive about having your ideas shut down, or maybe you see yourself in Drew more and you tend to be more easy going and don't know why other people have to be so difficult and rock the boat. Just notice that who are you in this story? And maybe you're none of these people and you'll just bewildered that we're making mountains outta mall Hills here.
And I'm not just happy that someone is cooking and an ain't me, but, but stay with me here. Okay. This is a small interaction yet for each of the people in it. It also had a lot of meaning. Anna doesn't live in our house. And so cooking for our family means a lot. Feeding people is a huge love language of theirs and contributing to our household in that way, makes them feel like more, a part of our family. They were also feeling a bit tendered due to some other things going on for them unrelated to that. And I was also feeling stressed and thus a bit raw just because of everything I've been managing around the holiday planning and gifts and all of that. Anna and Drew are also partners to each other and they're very much in love. And sometimes that three way dynamic can get a little tricky for all of us.
Anna and Drew have some shared preferences around food that I don't share. And most of the time that's not a big deal, but it's not impossible for me to feel excluded in any three-way relationship. There are so many opportunities to even accidentally just feel ganged up on and left out. It's why triads in my view are one of the harder are relationship structures to get right? And so with triads and even with Vees, it's so important to keep an eye on that. And I often, like I said, feel like the picky snowflake, always asking for something to be a certain way or otherwise making things more difficult instead of going along with what everyone else wants to do. And that can often leave me feeling like a troublemaker. And while Drew has learned to tolerate that because we've been together so long, he generally hates discord, especially between people he loves.
And in the past, he's given me a hard time for being the Soer of it. So I'm especially sensitive about it with him. Drew also hates it when a plan feels like it's coming together and then it falls apart. He told me that he is sensitive to having his ideas shut down by me remember how good I am at being right? So he probably also felt some empathy for how Anna was feeling. He's also sometimes irritated when anyone is being picky because our kids are already picky eaters and having additional pickiness can just wear him down and irritate him. So how do I know all of this was going on? Because after this initial interaction happened, after that little bomb of feelings went off between the three of us, we talked about it and repaired. I told Anna that it was hard for me to experience their hurt and withdrawal because I didn't like their idea.
And they were able to acknowledge that they felt hurt and then explained that one of the things that had stung wasn't that I'd rejected having green Curry so much as that, I jumped straight to suggesting that Drew cook, which felt to them, like I didn't want them to cook at all. And that felt like a rejection. That wasn't how I really felt. But instead of invalidating feelings, I said, oh wow, I can see how it came across that way. I am so sorry I did that. I stuck with how much I really wanted Drew to make the tofu, but I also validated their experience of how I expressed it. Anna affirmed that they do wanna know what I like to eat and apologized for reacting as though I was being unreasonable or unnecessarily difficult. They also gently told Drew that his reaction, which was intended to be in solidarity and sympathy was totally unhelpful because it did cause me to feel ganged up on.
And Drew took that in and apologized quickly for amplifying the difficult feelings I was having. He acknowledged that his initial reaction really wasn't worth sticking with anyway. And I, I apologize for being difficult and said that I know it's hard for him when I shoot down other people's ideas, but without backing off of what I wanted. And Drew said that he'd love to make the tofu. I think the whole conversation maybe took 10 minutes, but everyone's perspective was heard and validated. And we all acknowledged each other's feelings. We were generous with each other and repaired any ruptures. And at the end of the conversation, we just felt closer and more connected. I can say for myself, I felt tremendously reassured and seen and held another way. This could have gone. I could have told Anna that they were being too sensitive and needy Drew and Anna could have doubled down on their annoyance at my pickiness.
I could have gotten stuck in resentment over their solidarity. We could have told each other to own our feelings and reactions and that the hurts we were all feeling were ours as individuals to manage. And we probably could have worked through those feelings on our own, but it would've been harder. And we might have still gotten stuck in either feeling victimized or resentful, or we might have internalized our reactions and blamed ourselves. And then the next time something like this happened, which it inevitably will because we are who we are and we have the tendencies we have, it would be even more amplified by the last experience, potentially wounding, those tender spots, even more further entrenching. Those patterns that we tend to fall into. This is what I mean when I say little negative interactions can pile up over time and eat away at the foundation of your relationships and even at your own self worth and where you stand with at the people you love and the solution isn't always putting on your grown-up pants and getting over it and not being so sensitive, but by actually caring for each other's insecurities and tender vulnerable spots.
When this issue came up, we didn't point any fingers. Instead, we took a beat to feel our feelings, and then we made space and held each other the way we took care of each other in this small interaction, made us all seen and valued. We felt safe expressing what was going on for us, because we knew we'd be heard and understood. Nobody's interested in who was the problem or who's to blame or even fixing the hurt feelings, but just, and being gentle and caring with each other. I actually get pretty grumpy when people act in ways toward each other that are hurtful and then like roll their eyes about the fact that it hurt instead of just acknowledging that those feelings happened. And maybe even investigating them a little bit and seeing if there's a way to repair, we all wound each other all the time and it's mostly unintentional.
And sometimes the wounds are small, but they end up having big meaning to us, but we sometimes don't wanna open up about it because we feel ridiculous making a big deal out of a small thing, but that just piles up. And I mean, okay, sometimes we do need to do our own work or learn to let it go. We it's good not to make a big deal out of every single thing. But you know, even when I do that, even when I do let it go and go manage my feelings myself, I often do circle back with the people I'm close to and close the loop. I tell them about an interaction that caused some upset about where the upset came from and how I worked through it. I think the more we can let those, we are close to in, on our raw spots and invite them into caring for us more, the more safe and secure we can feel in our relationships.
I also think it's important that we don't let those tender feelings control our relationship or our partners, or allow our partners feelings to cause us to let go of the things that are important to us. There are times to be gracious and be willing to let go of your needs. Sure. But if you're doing that all the time or feeling pressured to do that, then you're going to feel lost in your own relationship and potentially resentful and passive aggressive about it. And I've seen relationships like this, where everyone in the relational ecosystem is trading in harshness and passive aggressiveness and invalidation and resentment. And self-sacrifice with a nice little dose of self righteousness and a dash of manipulation to top it all off. That shit is toxic Y'all one thing I really like about Elwood P Dowd and Fred Rogers is that if you observe them both closely, they also have boundaries in the movie.
Elwood never really does anything that he doesn't want to do. He's willing to accommodate other people. He's generous and caring, but he doesn't ever allow himself to be. He manipulated and he's never resentful and he's never self righteous. And that's, that's what I think is the goal here. And I wanted to share this really small everyday interaction with you because this is what that practice really looks like. Having a caring intimacy with the people you love. It's not something you do by creating a lot of rules or plans that you set and then run on autopilot and you can't get it. I don't think by choosing the perfect partner either because none of us is perfect. Having a relationship that's functionally loving is instead paying constant attack, tension to balance. If you've ever seen a tight rope Walker, you know that it's not like they find their balance once and then confidently stride across the rope.
But rather they're constantly adjusting and readjusting with every step. I think that's what Fred Rogers meant when he said that love is a verb like struggle. He compared it to struggle. It's a constant minute to minute practice. The good news is that practicing in this way, doesn't have to feel like work. It will in the beginning, if it's new to you, just like it would be work, figuring out how to walk a tight rope or learn how to dance, but eventually it gets in your a muscle memory. And I don't think you can achieve this kind of balance all by yourself. You have to practice it in relationship. My loved ones. And I have been practicing together for a long time and we're still working at it. But with every passing day, we get better and better at it. And it doesn't really feel so hard anymore.
When I reflect on that interaction with Drew and Anna, it really did feel like we were dancing together. We were in flow. And this is what I want for you to find that flow state with your partners, where these little things get cleared and become a moment of connection instead of these tiny wounds that can accumulate and never really heal. I truly think when we adopt this mindset that love is this deeply present constant, almost spiritual practice with one another. And when we engage with each other seeking to be caring and kind, we able to find this sense of belonging and healing that we crave in our relationships and having that can give us this greater capacity to move through this rough and tumble world that we all live in and confront all of the challenges it brings us.
