The Most Important Step of Repair
If you want to make a good repair, there's one step that Libby wishes people prioritized more.
Transcript
One of the great tragedies I think of modern United States culture and maybe modern Western culture is that accountability and good apology isn't really something that I see widely modeled in popular culture punishment. Sure, that's pretty widely out there. Self-Flagellation, I see a ton of that, like people beating up on themselves and making themselves, you know, super low and like, I'm the worst equivocating and half apologizing. I definitely see that, you know, the whole, I'm sorry, but, or yeah, I did it, but like, here's why and here's why you should just forgive me. And then there's, you know, the flat out non apologies, like the denying the deflecting, the defending or even more fun, you know, the turning it back on the other person and making it their fault. So many of us honestly grow up without ever having received a good apology from other adults in our lives, or seen one modeled for us or taught how to give one.
As children, usually children are actually like forced to give apologies before they've had time to really even figure out like what they're apologizing for. They're just sort of forced to do it, and then they're able, they're able to move on with their day. So it's something that like a sort of a box they have to check rather than something that's like real or genuine. So then we reach adulthood and we're in these adult relationships and we don't know how to really make a good apology. Now, maybe you have been listening to my podcast for a minute and you know that I think repair is a really important part of relationship. In fact, maybe one of the most important parts of relationship, especially if you're polyamorous, because perfect harmony isn't really possible in relationships. Making mistakes and hurting each other is sort of inevitable. And so good repair is crucial for building security in a relationship.
And yet you may be like, That's great, Libby, I'm bought into that. How do I do that? And I really, I hear it all the time from my clients that they try to make things better, but then the repair doesn't really feel like it happens. And so they really need to actually learn how to do it. Now, there are a lot of things that go into a good repair. You need to have good and loving boundaries, self-compassion for yourself. You have to practice taking turns, active listening, acknowledging what the other person is saying, making a commitment to behavior change if needed. And sometimes though not always an apology is part of that repair and the apology needs to be a really good one. Now, again, if you don't know how to do
That, you might be inclined to go to Google and see if you can find like how to give a good apology. And there are actually a lot of good resources, a lot of good articles if you Google how to make a good apology. And most of them have like a four or a five or a six step process. Usually something along the lines of say what you're sorry for, take full responsibility, empathize for the impact it had, express regret, and then commit to change if needed. However, a lot of these are missing what I see as the most important step. Mia Mingus, who writes a lot about accountability and disability justice, does a really nice four steps to accountability. And, and how I see is four steps to a really good apology. And the first step that she has that I don't see often said, but I think is super important, is self reflection.
I think apologies without self-reflection are just absolute garbage. Now that doesn't mean you can't say it quick, I'm sorry. When you up in a way that you're well acquainted with, then you, you theoretically have already done that self-reflection. You've already dug deep inside and you understand and the other person understands. And so the apology is just sort of an acknowledgement of, Oh yeah, I'm still working on that and I see that, and we know and I know, and here's my apology. But if you've really messed up with someone in a brand new way and you're trying to really make it better, but you have not first taken the time to understand what the heck was going on for you and what might have contributed to this thing happening and what might have been going on for the other person, you probably are going too fast and you're probably more in a fixing mode or a placating mode or a self-flagellating mode or a manipulating mode.
Or you might just be going into defensive or denying or deflecting or all that stuff that just really isn't helpful. And that's probably because you want the other person to just stop being upset and just get back into harmony and connection. Or you just wanna say what you have to, to get them off your back. Sort of like the way a kid learns how to apologize. Like I just say what I have to, and then I don't have to deal with this anymore. And none of that is a real apology or real accountability. So self-reflection is essential before you can make a good repair and give a good apology. And here's why a lot of people don't do it. You can't self reflect if you're still upset and in a place of sort of activation or being triggered or being flooded. You just can't do it.
It's just, it's a part of your brain that operates in the neocortex or the prefrontal cortex part of your brain. And that part, when you're super upset and activated and triggered it just doesn't work super well. It's not connected. And the reality is if you're in disharmony, that can be upsetting. You know, if there's a rupture and someone you love is upset, maybe you don't actually feel responsible. Maybe you feel like this actually isn't your fault and you're feeling defensive, or maybe there's an intent versus impact problem and you're feeling just unfairly blamed or just not seen and, and in pain around that. Or maybe you're frustrated that the person is being too sensitive or you just wish they'd give you some grace, you know? Or this is a, a super sensitive thing that you've fucked up before and you're just sort of, of tired of being hammered on it.
Who knows whatever might be going on. If you're activated, you can't self reflect. And you know, what you might really wanna do is just get to the repair so you can feel better. But if you are trying to repair from that place, it's poop. It doesn't work, it's, it's just not a good apology. And the thing is, the other person can tell, they can tell that you just want them to stop being upset or that you just wanna get back into connection or you just want them to feel better, or you want the other person to not be blaming you anymore or whatever it might be. And that tends to actually not deescalate and make things better, actually tends to have things spiral and feel worse until one of you just gives up. The other problem with self-reflection is that because you need to get into a different brain state in order to do it, it takes time.
You really have to access self-reflection from a calm, grounded what Dan Siegel calls an integrated brain state. You have to be able to connect to the parts of you that are having all the big feelings to the part of you that is capable of witnessing that, reflecting that thinking back on your own experience and your thoughts to really observe what what you were feeling. And also to observe and reflect on what the other person was feeling and maybe their context and your context and, you know, see the bigger picture also of what's really important. And it also helps to reflect on like your past, the other person's past your triggers and sensitivities, their triggers and sensitivities and maybe other things that might have led you and this other person to this moment that you're in. You need to be able to look at your flaws, but without shame or self contempt or defensiveness, but rather with that compassion and just understanding and warm regard for yourself, this whole process is what might otherwise be known as owning your shit, but owning your shit without beating yourself up.
But as I said, that takes time and usually longer than like 20 minutes, 20 minutes is what you need to get calm from a flooded state. But 20 minutes is what you need to get calm, not what it's gonna take to self-reflect. You might need hours, you might even need a day or two. You might even need a few weeks depending on how big the rupture is. And that, that can be really uncomfortable because all that time that you're self-reflecting repair isn't happening. And one thing that can happen that I've seen happen a lot, especially if there's been a community level rupture, like if somebody has really fucked up and there's been a lot of people who've observed it, and there are a lot of people who are upset and kind of really calling for an apology, a repair.
But that can even happen with a partner or another loved one who is calling for a repair. They are in disharmony, they're upset and they're upset with you, and they want you to make it better, and they want you to make it better now because they don't wanna feel in disrepair with you and they want you to own your shit, and they wanna believe that you're gonna make it better with them. And, you know, if you aren't able to deliver on that soon enough, they are gonna continue to get upset and might, you know, make some decisions based on a response that you give them or don't give them. And that puts a lot of pressure on the situation, which also makes it hard to have that self-reflection part. And this is this, this part really sucks. I mean, I've been in this situation where I've up with people in my community.
This happened one time I remember like in an online space, and I, I did, I had up with someone in my community and like in my mind, I, I was, I was at first very defensive and I had felt very unfairly treated. And I did actually from that place try to apologize. And it was, as I said, it was a apology. Like it was okay, you know, it checked all the boxes, but you know what, it didn't actually land with the people who I was apologizing to. And that doesn't surprise me because it was a apology. But at the same time, these people were really upset and just continuing to say negative things about me that were hurtful. And I really just wanted to stop and I wanted to make it better. And so I felt this pressure to apologize quickly when really what I needed was actually like a week or two to reflect.
But oftentimes when someone is upset with us, especially if it's a big thing, like a community level thing, but even again, if it's an intimate partner thing or a friend or family thing, that that isn't available or people believe that if they let it lie, if they don't get a quick and swift response, then it's not gonna be any good and they need to, you know, set some boundaries or make some changes or what have you. And I just think this is so wrong, I really think it's so wrong. And I think what we need instead when someone messes up with us is for them to have time and for us to give them time. And for us, when we have messed up to give ourselves time and to ask for time to reflect, especially when it's kind of like a car crash level, up, I mean, a minor up, you might need like an hour to calm down and sit with it and then respond like that might be all you need.
But if it's like a really major big deal, up and someone's really, really upset with you and you don't even know how this happened and you don't know how you how like you don't even understand what's going on and you feel like there's a lot of upset you might really need like a day or two or a week or, you know, even longer. Like, I'll just be honest with this up that I'm thinking of that I had and this was several years ago at a community level, I didn't really understand or was able to contextualize what really happened and what I really needed to apologize for and why for, I, i, I would say probably months. It probably took me a few months to really understand it. And honestly, what I needed to apologize for wasn't what people were asking for me to apologize for.
And you know, again, that's goes into that whole intent versus impact thing. Like one of the things that was happening was people were attributing intent to me that didn't feel true to me. And so I was being asked to apologize for something that I didn't do and that didn't feel fair for me to apologize for. And then again, that kind of, that kind of escalates things, right? Because then I'm sort of like, well, but I'm not gonna apologize for that cause I didn't do that and that's not true to me, but then I'm being defensive. And then they're getting, you know, it it, this is how this can get out of hand. So what I really wish for people, for everybody, for from, from intimate partnerships to friendships, to families, to communities, to even, even broader society is when there's been some kind of fuck up and someone has really caused harm is for there to be breathing room for self-reflection.
Like for that to be baked in and as part of the process, because that is what will create the opportunity for a good repair. So how do we create an opportunity for self-reflection? What I believe needs to happen if you are the person who is messed up is, you know, first you have to get untriggered. And again, that usually only takes about 20 minutes. Sometimes it might take a little bit more depending on how big the flooding is for you and how much might still be coming at you. But you know, getting grounded, you know, getting taming your whoosh is probably the most important step no matter what for any repair ever. But then if you don't immediately know what to say because you haven't had time to self reflect and you know that you need it because I've told you you need it, is to say to the person or people that you've messed up with, you say, Hey, I really wanna make this right.
I need some time to reflect because I don't really know what I need to say or what feels right to me. And I really wanna take in what you have to say, what you've told me, and I need some time. And then state a period of time that you think you need with my partners and I, we've said things like, Hey, I need a couple days, or Hey I don't have time to self reflect on this right now, so I might need a week to just give this some breathing room. And but then I will come back and I will talk about this with you and I wanna make this better. I just need some time. And for those of you who find yourself on the, you know, harmed side of the equation where you need repair, if someone says that to you, I really want you to give it to them.
And if they don't say that to you and they just kind of go dark and they don't give you any indication that they are planning on repairing with you or that they're doing some self-reflection, you know, that might be where you need to poke at them and, and you know, give them some kind of indication that, hey, no, it's not okay to just like, pretend this didn't happen. But, I think it is okay to give it some breathing room. And if they don't come back around, yeah, then maybe put some pressure on and poke at them again. But like, I think the fear of giving self-reflection time would be that then it's just gonna get swept under the rug that it's just gonna get ignored. And so it's on both people or all of the people in this situation to acknowledge, hey, this is the container we're creating for self-reflection and this is the amount of time that you have.
And again, for self-reflection, the key things you wanna think about are what led me to this moment, both in the short term and over the course of my whole life. What kinds of things might be underlying it for me? What sensitivities might I have? What triggers, what blind spots, you know, what might have been going on for the other person? Try to understand and reflect on their context, what they might have been feeling in that moment. And again, think about your intentions. Think about how your intentions might have been perceived, think about your impact. And here's a, here's a great one.
Process it with a third party. You know, a friend, a family member, someone who is maybe outside of the issue, but who you know, so, so they can have sort of a neutral but supportive perspective for you or, or at least just to be a sounding board. Now, if you have a practice already of self-reflection, I mean I know that I do like self-reflection actually comes very natural to me. I'm actually like a pretty self-conscious person. This might, when I say it, just come easily to you to build that into your practice of repair, to make sure that you have a period of time for self-reflection. And that again, that's communicated. But for those of you who self-reflection isn't something that you have a practice around, I recommend going to my episode about checking out versus checking in. And because there in that episode, there are some tools, specifically the the rain tool for practicing mindfulness and self-awareness that I think will help you build a self-reflection PR practice overall.
But, but give you some tools for being in self-reflection before you need to make a repair. I honestly think that creating a practice of self-reflection as a part of repair would be like, I think just transformative for relationships for our culture, for society. And I think with those kind of changes that we wanna see, it starts with us. It starts with our relational practices. I know for me that when my partners have made a repair from a place of self-reflection, it usually blows me away. And I know that my capacity to make a good repair with my partners and friends and loved ones is very much supported by my own practice of self-reflection. I think self-reflection is essential for accountability. At the end of the day, nobody else can hold you accountable if you do not first look inside and be accountable to yourself.
And self-reflection is such a key part of that. So to recap, I wanna acknowledge we don't have a great culture of accountability and repair and apology. And so we're all in a learning phase in how to do that. Like so many of us at least are. And that's okay. One piece that I find really missing from a lot of guidance around how to make a repair or how to apologize is having a practice of self-reflection first. And that's because it takes time and it leaves everything in sort of a liminal space for a period of time while that self-reflection is happening. And I think it's so essential, and I think apologies and repair without it are just really incomplete and honestly, most of the time just crap. So self-reflect, develop a self-reflection practice, and remember that in order to self reflect, you have to get yourself into a ground at an integrated place in order to be able to witness and reflect and really see all the angles and the bigger picture. Your higher order brain functions are where that is possible. And so you cannot do that if you're in your wish. So get out of your wish first, get into your integrated brain state, self-reflect, and then from there, I think your repair, your apology, all of that is gonna be so much more powerful, so much more authentic, and really a beautiful opportunity for growth and intimacy in your relationships.
