Have Better Sex With This One Weird Trick
Libby gives some sex advice for your long-term relationships. It's good. Just listen.
Transcript
Hi, y'all, I'm so excited about this episode, because I think it's my first episode of this podcast that is all about sex. So I'm gonna go ahead and give you a content warning that I am a little more explicit about sexual activities in this episode, then I have been in the past. So if you have generally found my podcast to be like, mostly PG rated, this one is not. So I put on your headphones. I'm so excited to share my thoughts with you on this topic. And so I'm not going to say anything else. But I really look forward to hearing what you all think.
So, many years back when I was first getting connected up to the polyamory community here in DC, I got invited to this party. Now the hosts called it a snuggle party, and it ended up being this interesting hybrid between a cuddling party and something more than that, but it stopped short of being a sex party. And also at that point, I had never been to a sex party or anything like that. And I was pretty nervous about that idea. So this felt like a good thing for me to try. The party began with an opening circle that everyone attending the party had to be present for. And there, the hosts went over the ground rules for how guests were supposed to interact with each other. The biggest rule was that everyone was required to ask for consent before anyone touched anyone else in any way, and to ask permission for every new kind of touch.
Now, for some of you, this way of interacting might sound really familiar and normal to you. You might be the sort of person who, when you go see a friend, you might be like, do you wanna hug? But for me, that wasn't a thing that I did at that point. It was a radical departure from how I had thus far been taught to engage with other people's boundaries around touch. Now I understood the concept of like getting permission for sex, but my understanding there was also pretty limited to do you wanna have sex? Yes or no. And that was about it. And also most of my prior experience as a cisgender woman who at that point had like, had a lot of sex with mostly cisgender men was that I was the one usually saying yes or no, I wasn't asking for permission. I was the sole person setting the limits.
So being at this party and asking things like, can I touch your arm? And can I lean up against you? You felt very novel to me also at this party, there were no cisgender men. So that dynamic of who tends to ask and who tends to be giving consent wasn't there. And so there was a lot more opportunity for practice on both sides of it. The party turned out to be this amazing playground of sensual touch. I won't go into all of the things we did, but I remember most powerfully that we did a thing where we were trading forehand massages. So two people massaging a third person and because we were all giving and obtaining permission for all kinds of touch before we touched anybody, it felt really comfortable to do that. Even though most of the attendees were people I'd just met.
The rules made you worry less, that you'd like, accidentally hurt someone or make them uncomfortable, press too hard, whatever, because you were checking on that before doing anything and then checking in throughout. And because nobody would be putting their hands on me before talking about what's okay. And not, okay. I could tell, tell someone, Hey, don't press too hard on my injured shoulder. And that spot is ticklish. So don't touch me there and massaging my butt is totally okay. And oh yeah, lots of pressure is really good. I felt encouraged to not only like, set and respect limits, but to also tell people who were touching me, what really felt good and what would make it feel better and ask other people what felt good to them. I also didn't have to like, sit and worry about whether this massage was like a gateway for someone to put their hands on me and then put their hands on other parts of me because that kind of thing was just against the rules.
I could just relax and enjoy myself. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that this party opened up a whole new world to me, a whole new world. okay. As I said earlier, my previous experience with like consent was generally centered, not even on like receiving consent, but just giving permission to have a sexual encounter. And then after that, I don't think there was that much more explicit discussion about it or negotiation or anything. I think the idea I had, and I think many people have that, you know, getting more granular or specific about exactly what you wanna do and what you don't wanna do would be maybe overly restrictive, disruptive to the flow of things that it would just kill the mood to like have to check and make sure there's a clear yes. For everything that you're doing.
That's an objection that I've definitely heard. And I think a lot of people have that like, practicing continuous consent feels just really onerous and clunky. So it never occurred to me to really try it before this party. I actually think though, that that feeling that it's onerous and clunky is really a fault of how consent is framed in mainstream culture. We've been told that it's really important to get like a clear yes for sex specifically and exclusively so that you don't accidentally rape anybody. I heard there are actually now apps for this where like both parties can check a box with their thumbprint or something say that they consent it to sex so that nobody can later accuse their partner of assaulting them. And I mean, when you put it like that, that kind of does kill the mood, but you are, I think missing the point, if you think that the purpose of having consent practices is just to like, cover your a** so that your partner does and press criminal charges against you.
And also I could go into why obtaining that kind of consent really leaves the door open for a lot of other deep harm that just happens to not be criminal. But that's for another episode, in my mind, the real point of giving and obtaining consent of prioritizing getting a clear yes, from someone before doing anything to them or with them is so that they, and you can be freely choose the experiences that you're having, that you're creating together. And I mean, here's the thing about when you do that, when you are freely choosing the thing you're doing with someone and getting some input into what happens before it happens, wait for it. You guys, it increases the likelihood that the experience will be enjoyable, that will be pleasurable. And that the things that you don't wanna have happen don't happen. I mean, it's not foolproof, but, it's pretty good instead, what many of us have been taught to do is to just like, try things, see what happens and then hope it all goes well, fingers crossed and you're kind of expected to develop this complicated algorithm in your head, like mapping out what is okay.
And isn't okay. Based on what you've been told by our culture, that you can reasonably expect what people generally have been up for in the past, what they seem to say they like based on some nonverbal communication based on some very gendered and stereotypical expectations. And then combine that with, you know, your observed responses over time from, you know, past people you've been with and maybe the person you're interacting with now based on what you, when you've tried to figure these things out and tried these things out and, you know, if there's been no objections explicitly, and the result has been generally, nobody's complained, you assume that this thing you did and continue to do is okay, and that have ongoing permission to try it again, until you're told not to. The result of that in my experience is pretty stressful. In my past life, it would leave me actually a bit paralyzed when something was actually happening with, to me during sex that I didn't like, because I was afraid to say anything, to be disruptive, to disrupt the flow, to cause things to stop, to get overly directive or upset or disappoint my partner or make them feel bad.
You know, that they'd messed up in some way. I don't want them to feel criticized. And, and this got to the point where I would sometimes turn down or just avoid a sexual encounter. Not because I didn't want anything sexual with my partner, not because I didn't love them or think they were sexy or I didn't have any sexual desire, but I just maybe was in the mood for a certain thing maybe I wasn't up for penis and vagina sex for instance. But, you know, I think actually many heterosexual, cisgender women who have sex with cisgender men believe that if sex is happening, that penis and vagina is just the expectation. So I would be like, well, I don't wanna do that thing. So I'm gonna avoid these other five things too. And I'm gonna avoid actually being too cozy with my partner, cuz I don't want them to like, even ask because then I'm gonna have to say no, oh, that's gonna be so uncomfortable.
So I just there's so much avoiding that would go on there. Does that sound familiar?
I would also sometimes even, like I said, shut down, get uncomfortable with receiving any sensual touch, making out or even cuddling with a partner because I would worry that it was just a lead in to sex that I wasn't sure that I wanted. I had this belief that if I started say having a heavy makeout session with a partner or like letting them stroke my, and if, and we got naked in bed, et cetera, that there would be some kind of expectation that I was creating and that there was an intention that they had in doing that with me and that by giving and receiving that touch, I was implicitly communicating that I was agreeing to sex. And so then if I didn't want, I wasn't sure I couldn't just enjoy what was going on because I felt like I was like making this promise of other things and that at some point, because I already knew I didn't want those things or wasn't sure I wanted those things that I was leading my partner on and that I would ultimately disappoint them when I would say stop.
Does that sound familiar? This can also work in reverse too. I mean, let's say I am super up for sex all the time. I am up for all the things and I usually initiate sex, but then maybe one night I'm tired and I don't wanna do all the things. Maybe I just wanna cuddle or make out, or I'm not up for particular sex act like my knees hurt or something, but I'm worried that if I start that I will be creating this expectation for a particular set of activities. And so maybe I just avoid any kind of physical affection or touch so that I don't end up bleeding my partner on, or what if I just decide that I wanna get age in one particular sex act, but I don't discuss it. I just, but I'm in charge. I'm initiating. So I just do one thing, but my partner's expecting me to do these five other things. And they're like, why didn't you wanna do those things with me? And so that can lead to a lot of confusion and potential disconnection, maybe fear that, you know, they're not desirable anymore or not sexy. I mean, this can lead to a lot of confusion if there's just a lot of unstated assumptions. So the game changer for me was just talking about what my partner and I wanted to do before we did anything. It seriously changed the whole thing for me, if I'm not sure I'm up for sex, but there are things I am sure I am up for. I can just tell my partner and has led me to being able to relax into the moment of what is happening, which honestly, for me, leads me to having more sex and by sex I mean like the broad range of what sex can be, it might not be penis and vagina sex.
I might not even have an orgasm because I'm not always up for that. And in fact, I think there's some people, women and men, and non-binary people, all different kinds of people that feel a lot of pressure around having an orgasm and that being a necessary part of sex. And you might know in your body just based on where your body is in that moment, that that ain't gonna happen tonight. And so you're worried, well, if I don't do that, then my partner's gonna be disappointed. So I just not bother doing it at all. But instead you can say, Hey, I just want some closeness, some sensual touch, some experiential sexiness, and I'm probably not gonna come and that's, that's not what's gonna happen. And I don't care. Like, just tell someone on that and have a conversation ahead of time.
And you can say, you know, I'm not interested in penetration right now. I don't feel like having penis and vagina sex. What I feel like having is for, you know, I wanna go down on you and, you know, have you my mouth. And that would be really fun. What do you think? Are you up for that? Does that sound fun? And obviously this can go both ways. Like the example I'm presenting is like, I'm telling someone else what I am and am not up for, but if you're, if you know what you're up for, but your partner is sort of sending mixed signals and you're not sure where they're at. You can just be like, Hey, I'm really in the mood for some sexy times. I really love to do X, Y, and Z. Where are you on that? Right now? It can alleviate a lot of anxiety around whether they're into what you want to do or if they might just be going along because you want it. And that's because you've gotten confirmation from them about what you're doing before you do it.
So you don't have to wonder like, are they just doing this because to make me happy, are they just doing this to like, please me to check a box? You know, is this maintenance sex, whatever, you don't have to worry about that. Cuz you've talked to them about it. And to be clear, you don't have to like, map out exactly what you're going to do step by step and then execute the plan perfectly. You can make room for following the energy and making adjustments as you go. I do encourage you if this is new to initially not push or test the limits that are set ahead of time. So like if someone says, Hey, I am not up for anal this afternoon. Don't like, offer it mid session. Even if they might be making some noises like that might be something they want, like just lay off of it. If they've said they don't. And just go with, go with where the limits have been at the same time. If you say, Hey, I'm like, up for these three things and this is our goal for this session, do these three things. And you only do two of them because after that you're done and you feel satisfied. That's great. And the plan was also still worth making. And of course, you know, as you're playing with this, like you also might set a limit and then you might change your mind around it.
You know, I might say at the outset, you know, tonight I am not up for getting out the strap on, but then as we get started, as we're making out, as we're fooling around, I start to go, oh actually, no, that actually does sound really nice right now. Then, you know, there's that shift and you can, you can pivot and you can, you know, go for it. And then if it's not working, you can say, Hey, actually it was wrong. This isn't fun anymore. Let's stop and cool. You've established this way of talking to each other about it. So it's not like, oh, now the whole thing is over because this one thing we're not doing anymore. You know, you have a lot more space, a lot more possibility. I mean, it's like being able to state, Hey, here's what I'm up for. Specifically, here's the energy that I have right now. Here's what I really don't wanna do. And it doesn't mean that I don't wanna do anything. I just don't wanna do this other thing. And then being willing to talk about it, it just opens up so much possibility for your sex life and can lead you to having more sex because you're not cutting yourself off at the knees, you know, and it also leads to better sex and it can also just really help break up those patterns of avoidance because of unspoken expectations.
Now I'm guessing, as I'm talking about this, that a roadblock that might be coming up for you is that you might be fearing starting to have this kind of conversations, starting to ask for things that you want because of a fear of rejection. We don't wanna ask for something and hear a no asking is vulnerable. And it's also true that lots of people like, don't wanna have to tell their partners because that's uncomfortable. They don't wanna disappoint anybody. So again, there's that going into that avoidance mode because it's easier to avoid your partner. If they're asking for sex it's better to avoid them ever getting a chance to ask rather than have to turn them down. But I think that backfires and often that avoidance can make a partner feel even more rejected and not less. I think a lot of us believe ironically, that long term partnerships are somehow inherently more protected from rejection because of this belief that there's sort of baked in a certain amount of implied consent, which can, I think actually be part of what makes rejecting a partner or being rejected by a partner.
So upsetting and scary because you have this idea that that's not something that's gonna happen in a long-term relationship. And so when it does, what does that mean? And you worry that it means there's something really wrong. Like someone, they don't love you anymore. They're not desiring you anymore. Like, you know, we're supposed to have this ongoing, we both want each other. We both picked each other. I also know that sometimes rejection when it happens in a committed relationship can be done in a harsh way. I think it can happen sometimes that maybe a partner will turn down sex, but not in a loving and compassionate and caring way, but instead maybe with a, with some disgust or some annoyance which will cause the other person to maybe go into a shame spiral around their desires.
And that really sucks. And I think that, that happens because again, you know, because you've created this expectation of implied consent when you're being asked for something that you don't wanna, do you feel really bad about it? I think that's a reason why when people do turn down sex in a harsh way, it is coming from a place of actually wanting to please their partner and feeling like that's their job. And then being frustrated when they're being put in a position where they can't, or they don't want to. So they get mad at their partner for even asking and making them have to say no. Having a partner with a lot of pain and discomfort around asserting boundaries can be a huge reason to also be afraid to ask them for anything, because it's just such a touchy point. So if this resonates with you and you have a hard time hearing, no, or saying, no, there are things you can do that will make that easier so that you don't have to go into this avoidance.
And so that you can find the freedom to start talking about what you want and what you don't want. So first, if you have a hard time saying no, and instead your thing is that you will avoid being asked or maybe you get more forceful and resentful in your know, because you're mad that someone even asked your practice is to learn how to say no with some softness and with maybe a counter proposal, you can try saying something like, Hey honey, I love you so much. And I think you are the sexiest, most gorgeous human. And I wish that I had the energy for sex tonight, but I am tired, but I would love to make out and cuddle with you and then go to sleep. What do you think? seriously like, sometimes just giving that no, with a level of reassurance giving a little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down.
That's been my experience. If you have a hard time asking and then hearing, no, there are two things that you can do. The first thing is you wanna make sure that you practice creating a lot more safety for the other person to tell you No, I mean, really it's kind of funny, but like the more you kind of make friends with no, and really just invite your partner to turn you down, that can help them really feel like there's no pressure. And then actually they're the way that they deliver no to you will feel better to you because it feels more collaborative. And then the other thing that can help is having a detachment from outcome and a deep love of your partner, setting boundaries with you and being wherever they are. And that, that is perfectly acceptable, that the answer has no bearing on who you are or how loved you are or how worthy you are that you can hear no, And you're fine. It's not about you, it's about your partner and where they are and then you can make, you know, figure out, well, what can you do next? I'll make the argument that, you know, a lot of times when we're asking for sex, there's a need underneath it that we could get met in other ways. And you just have to expand the possibilities. But a lot of times it's like, if I get a no, then that's a sign of something bigger then just that there's no sex. And so if you can, if you can kind of detach from the outcome and really look at, okay, well, would I be fulfilled if I just got a cuddle or would I be fulfilled if my partner talked dirty to me? And then I went in the bathroom and jerked off, like, there's just, you can expand the possibilities of ways that you could feel good together.
And then another thing you can do that really helps with asking for something and that vulnerability in asking and then being, and then feeling like, oh, my partner's gonna have to say yes or no is you can play around with shifting, from making requests to making invitations and stating desires. So instead of saying, Hey, would you be willing to go down on me right now? You could say, Hey, I'd really love for you to go down on me right now. I think that would feel amazing. That's just stating a desire. That's not a request and that leaves the ball very gently in their court, but they don't have to do anything with that. They can just say, oh yeah, that's cool that you like that. you know, you can also say, you know, you can make it an invitation. Like, would you enjoy it?
If you got to, you know, go down on me right now or, you know, would you enjoy it? If I used the Hitachi on myself while you watched you can talk about, you know, that as an invitation, I wanna be clear that working through fears of rejection though, is an ongoing practice for everyone, both giving it and receiving it. Cuz I know that both are uncomfortable, but I've found that these practices can make it a whole lot easier to transform your relationship with it. So another reason that we might shy away from explicitly talking about what we want or asking our partner, what they want is that it might signal that we aren't really confident that we just know our culture has created this expectation in that if you're a good lover or if you're really sexually compatible with your partner, that you'll be just so attuned that you'll just be able to intuitively know what they want and don't want in the moment.
So, you know, needing to ask, checking in, talking about things beforehand or after words might imply that you're not a good lover or you're just lazy and not paying attention. Can I just disabuse you of this idea? Most of us are not good mind readers and most of us like things that are so completely different from what our partner likes and most of us have been with people who liked something else that was completely different from what our partner wants. We really have to check this stuff out the way you get to that place of confidence with your partner and just know is by having lots of experience with them and getting lots of feedback and lots of verbal confirm that what you read on your partner's face or in their body language or their sounds that they were making is what they were actually meaning to communicate.
I don't think there's a way to shortcut that. Now I'll own that. Some people are really, really good at mind reading and being hyper hyper attuned to their partner and their partner's pleasure and somehow do just like no things, but I'll tell you something else in my experience that often comes at the expense of them being in any way, attuned to their own pleasure. And also when they do get it wrong, if their identity is so wrapped up on being so attuned and so great they might not be able to hear it when they aren't hitting the mark, so to speak. So one of the things that I like to do to sort of help check on how things are going and how things are feeling is to do a sort of ongoing throughout the session, continuous check-in. And it's something that I also really like when my partners do. Now again, it's very nice when someone initiates and says, oh yeah, that feels amazing.
But you, you know, sometimes they're in their own little world right there and they aren't thinking of you and letting you know. And so you, but you still might wanna know, and you don't have to do this in a way that takes the person out of their experience. You can say something like, Hey, babe, it sounds like you really like that. Am I right? Or you might even be P delightful about it. And you say, would you like more of this right now? Or would you like me to flip you over? Oh, okay, well ask me nicely. Or you could, you know, you could go with you know, is there somebody here who wants to be spanked right now? Okay. Well say it to me, tell me, you know this is, again, it's, it's a playful way of getting confirmation about what someone wants instead of again, just trying it and hoping it's okay.
You don't have to do it, is it okay if I do this thing now? Cuz yeah, I get that. That's awkward. So again, this actually gets to the next issue that I think probably comes up when we think about practicing explicit consent, which is, that, you know, you may just feel like you lack the language for how to talk about what you wanna do, especially in the moment or right beforehand. It might feel awkward in your mouth to say the words because we just haven't had that modeled for us very well. I mean, in a lot of porn in a lot of sex scenes and movies, sex is largely wordless, so we just don't know how to do it. So I'll offer you two recommendations here. First watch the movie Friends with benefits. Yes, it's a cheesy romantic comedy with Justin Timberlake and Mela Kus and there is a lot in it that I wouldn't say is a great model for like relationships.
Their communication in some cases is not great, but the sex scenes in that movie are actually surprisingly good at modeling two people talking about what they want. Second thing is I'll actually just link a few articles in the description with some sample language of how to check in, in a sexy way, because I think it really does just help to have some scripts that you can use. So the last objection that I can see to explicitly discussing and negotiating sexual activity and checking in and all that is because some people might feel like it takes away the opportunity to be swept away and swept up in the moment that goes back to that whole idea that talking about it ruins the mood or disrupts the flow. You know, we wanna just let go and connect to something primal and free within us.
And, you know, while uncertainty can cause anxiety, some people find, you know, excitement in the uncertainty that thrill of wondering, oh, what's gonna happen next. And then experiencing the joy of it all unfolding and not really knowing what's, you know, whether it would or not. I wanna say that, you know, being swept up without any pre-discussion or preset limits has some risks with it. It can cause people to blast through their own boundaries and allow things that they didn't want just so that they can keep things moving. And then when the next time comes along, that can lead to that avoidance again. Well, I really did some things I didn't really wanna do there and I'm worried that that's gonna happen again. So I don't wanna even start. Right. I actually think that when you talk about what's going to happen and have a practice of some sexy ways of checking in throughout, that actually creates the container for the ability to let go just like really freely flowing in the moment.
It's like the difference between the thrill of deciding to sign up, to go skydiving and having a plan to do that and getting on the plane with the parachute and you know, you know that you're gonna do that and just getting on a plane thinking you're gonna be just going somewhere. And then all of a sudden the back of the plane opens up and you're handed a parachute, either way, you're definitely gonna get the thrill of jumping out of a plane, but in the first scenario, everyone's agreed to be there and you know, what's going to happen. So it's easier to just lean into it and have fun and be in the moment instead of maybe seizing up with Tara, but going, oh, I'm gonna do this anyway. Another analogy I like here is like, imagine you're going to walk across a bridge connecting two tall skyscrapers.
So you're, you know, 50 stories up and you're gonna be walking across a bridge from one skyscraper to another. Now imagine that the bridge has no rails. How good and confident do you feel about walking across that bridge versus a bridge that has rails on the sides? That's what I'm talking about. The last thing I'll say is that practicing explicit communication around sex is also a wonderful way to just show care for your partner and concern for their enjoyment. It can also open up more space for the experience to be deeply connected and a mutual creation, rather than just being about checking off a box in sharing what you want and in talking about what feels good. You create this greater opportunity or intimacy and vulnerability while also really holding space for each other as well as just really, really good sex. So to recap, getting explicit and verbal about what you're gonna do when you have sex before you do it and on the kind of sex you're going to have before you have it and checking in on how everyone is enjoying it, isn't just for first time encounters with new people.
It's not just to make sure you're not sexually assaulting anyone. It actually makes for better, hotter, more frequent more connected sex, the practices that you can start using right now in your sex life to reap the benefits of this are, one talk about what you do before you do it. Talk about what you're up for and be specific. If you're feeling like you really just wanna go down on your partner for 20 minutes and then roll over, go to sleep. That's valuable information to be sharing with them. If you know that you wanna have a super hot make-out session and then get each other all riled up and then side by side, make that plan. And then you can make adjustments If you need to. Two, do the work you need to do on either getting okay, Hey, with being turned down or learning how to turn someone down gently in a way that's loving or, or both.
If you have a hard time asking for fear of rejection, practice detachment from outcome and let go of a greater meaning that rejection might have for you and practice inviting and expressing desire. I'm fairly sure that if you are afraid of hearing no, that you still would never want someone to say yes to you. Just outta fear of disappointing you. So make it safe for them to do what they need to do. It'll lead to less avoidance and more connection. If you have a hard time saying no, you can practice softening it and affirming that you love the person that you desire them. Even if sex isn't on the menu right now, or a particular sexy thing, isn't on the menu right now. You can also make counter offers. Like I know you want to do X, but I'm really only up for Y tonight. Would that be okay?
Number three, check your mind reading skills by checking in through, throughout a sexual experience. If your partner has gone quiet or is making noise, you can't be sure what that means. You can just go see about that. Find out you don't have to do this in a disorienting way that takes them out of the moment, which leads me to four, get some resources that help you have this kind of conversation modeled for you so that it feels sexy so that it feels comfortable so that it flows so that it doesn't feel like onerous and disruptive and clunky. And then you can practice doing it in a way that stays in the flow and keeps the sexy going. And the last one is number five. Remember that you are creating a container so that you and your partner can let go and really fly away in the moment. And so that you both feel held, you feel held by the boundaries that you create together. A lot of people see boundaries as this limiting thing, and I wanna reframe them as both freeing and caring. Okay?
So obviously this wasn't one weird trick, but it was like five, really not at all weird tricks but it all comes down to the one trick, which is talking more about the sex you're having and making space to here and say what you do and don't wanna do and what your partner does. And doesn't wanna do my experience is that having that practice makes sex better, hotter and way more fun for me. When I encountered this concept and started bringing it into my life, it just made everything a million times better. So I wanted to share it with you and I hope you liked it. Now go forth and have great sex or don't and cuddle, or have a massage or eat some really good ice cream together. I hope that these tools I've offered empower you to do any of those things or all of those things exactly the way you want with the people that you love.
