For Your Mom
In this episode, Libby speaks to parents of adult polyamorous children who may be having a hard time with the idea.
SHOW LINKS
It's Called Polyamory: https://thorntreepress.com/its-called-polyamory/
When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: https://thorntreepress.com/when-someone-you-love-is-polyamorous/
The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory: https://adapowers.medium.com/the-coffee-break-polyamory-primer-6c64b4dc53de
This Heart Holds Many, My Life as the Nonbinary Millennial Child of a Polyamorous Family: https://thorntreepress.com/thisheartholdsmany/
The Polyamorists Next Door on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door
Transcript
Hello. If you have been sent this episode of my podcast, you probably got it from your child and they have probably recently come out to you as polyamorous or some other form of non-monogamous. And they wanted me to talk to you about that. Now, before I do, I wanna introduce myself and tell you a little bit about me. My name's Libby, I'm a relationship coach who works with polyamorous folks and also consciously monogamous folks or really anyone who are in some way living and loving in unconventional ways. I, myself am polyamorous and I'm also and I'm a mom of two young kids. Also. I have a husband, I have another romantic partner I live with. Who's also partnered with my husband and I also have another long distance partner who has four kids. And while some of my relational practices may be a little odd and some of my ideas may seem a little radical.
My life from the outside often looks pretty mundane. The adults in my family go to work every day, we watch Netflix together. We play board games. My kids go to school. We have a family dinner every night at 6:00 PM. And often my mom joins us because she lives nearby and takes care of the kids sometimes. So even though I've got pink care sometimes and have found some unconventional ways of loving and living you, and I probably have at least some things in common and maybe more in common than you realize. And now I'd like to talk to you about your child. Now, before I tell you anything about what it might mean that your child has told you their polyamorous or non-monogamous and what they may want you to know about that, I wanna honor that them telling you this information might be a bit startling for you, especially if you grew up in a conventionally monogamous heteronormative, gender binary, cisgender world, and I'm gonna define those terms for you too.
So monogamous, meaning, you know, that the normal way of relating romantically is with one person. And that that is heteronormative, meaning one man and one woman, gender binary, that there are in fact only two genders. And that the gender that you're assigned at birth earth is the gender that you identify as your gender. That's what cisgendered means. So all of that might be uncomfortable for you to hear that I'm even kind of pulling those ideas apart and challenging them. And, and I just wanna say that's okay. I also wanna honor the feelings that might be coming up for you thinking about your child as polyamorous or non-monogamous as a parent, myself of two young children. I can imagine that you like me raised your children with big hopes and dreams for how their life would turn out. A lot of people have children with the intention of them carrying on a family story or a family legacy.
And at the very least, most parents want their children to be happy and safe and successful in life. And if you've had a conventional upbringing yourself and lived a relatively conventional life, you probably have a pretty clear picture of what that's safe, happy, successful life is supposed to look like. And thinking about polyamory as part of that was just never in the equation. It's also true that whether we really think it's a good thing or not, we wanna feel proud of our kids and not just within ourselves, but within society at large, when we talk about our children to other people, when other people meet our children, you know, whether it be our family members or our coworkers or other parents, et cetera, it's real that how our children turn out and how their lives go, can end up being a reflection on us and how we raised them and what we taught them.
So if we had a path that we hoped for for them, and then we see them taking a very different path, one that we may not understand, one that we may never have even thought of. We haven't seen presented in a positive light. It can be understandable to be concerned about that. I mean, okay, this isn't remotely in the same category, but just as an example from my own life, my younger child, who's six now has really found himself in the throws of a deep love affair with EDM and techno music, which as a person who like grew up loving musical theater and classical music, chorale music and all of that it's really hard for me to even categorize that stuff as music. And I really tried to share with him what I love. I played Motown and blues and jazz standards in musical theater and classical music. And I sang to him and I even played David Bowie and prince in the rolling stones, just stuff that I loved, but this kid, he keeps asking me to play craft work and DJ Skrillex and some band called knife party. I keep wondering what I've done wrong.
It's not always easy to stay open to your children when they're making the choices that you would not have chosen for them. And obviously I have a long way to go in my parenting. My kids are still very young, but I even in these moments of them really loving something that I know is probably gonna be a phase. I try to stay open to my kids because I know that even as it's my job to guide them and help them make good choices, they are also going to become their own people. And they will make choices based on what is the highest and best expression of who they are. Or at least they hope they will, but their choices in so many ways are out of my hands and they probably should be because they're gonna be themselves and they're not gonna be me. You know?
And sometimes that might be really hard choices. I mean, I think of like the Keans and family ties and how Alex was this young Republican and his parents were a couple of hippies, like how hard that must have been. And yet they all tried to love each other anyway, but I, I want in this moment to be open to you because I wanna honor, as you grapple with your child's choices, maybe like I said, they're just not the choices you wish they were making right now. And maybe you had a real picture in your mind of what you hoped they would turn out like as an adult. And this really isn't it. And I really wanna give you room to feel some grief. If the dream that you had for them is dying right now. It doesn't have to be logical or reasonable it's it's okay.
Sometimes to just want the image that you had in your head about how this was all gonna go and then have to let go, that it can be really painful. I wanna say, though, this is a thing that we all do have to often do as humans. I mean, John Lennon said it really well. He said life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, by the way, did you know that that's from a song he was singing to his son. It's from that song. Beautiful boy. Anyway, knowing that's how life is doesn't necessarily make these plot twists easy to cope with though. But here's where I wanna gently remind you that it's my belief that children don't come into this world to become some extension of the people who raise them. They don't exist, realize some dream that you have. They exist to create their own lives and destinies.
And in order to do that, we do truly have to let go and trust them and good Lord. It, it, it actually really starts really soon. And I'm sure you've had this experience already of having to let go and trust them. I mean, I remember potty training. I know that sounds weird, but like my first kid, it was so hard to just not remind him to go to the bathroom when he was learning how to use it. But instead give him a little bit of room to practice, listening to his own body. And remember when he feels a certain sensation that it's time to go. And then, you know, sometimes he would miss and then he would have to notice that and learn it and figure it out. And yes, of course I would help him, but I also had to let him make it his own.
The point is kids are gonna be their own people. Maybe the difficulty for you though, isn't that you had some vision of who your kids were going to become. That's being shattered by your children's unconventional relationship style. Maybe you're afraid of what other people will think Maybe you're dreading having to answer questions from cousins or aunts or uncles, or from your parents or family, friends. Maybe it's been hard enough to spend the holidays with uncle Jim who makes the occasional homophobic comment at Christmas dinner, but oh Lord, what will he say when he gets a Christmas card with your and their two partners in metas, all posing together, lovingly yikes, or maybe you're worried about your kid. Relationships are hard enough when it's just one other person, right? Maybe more than that just feels too complex and risky to you. Maybe you're worried about the ways their relat practices could impact their job prospects or whether their kids might be bullied in school.
Or maybe you're worried that they just haven't thought this through and are making impulsive, trendy, sex driven, rash decisions that are gonna hurt everyone involved is this potentially gonna destroy their chances to find happiness and love and stability and prosperity. Maybe there are already married and you're worried that it's gonna destroy their family. Maybe you're worried for their spouse. I mean, did their partner actually agree to this? And are they okay? Or maybe you're worried that their spouse force them into this. And you're worried that this isn't something your kid actually wants or is best for them. Maybe your kid isn't married. And now you're hearing that they may never wanna get married, or you're worried that this means they won't find a partner who will be willing to do this with them, or you're worried that they will never have a consistent partner in their, and that might mean they'll die alone and won't be cared for in the way that you're hoping.
Or maybe you're worried. They're involved with someone who is married and you're worried that they're being taken advantage of. And they're, they're gonna be discarded when the married person comes to their senses and your kid will have invested all this time and energy in something that was never gonna go anywhere. Maybe your kid has also come out to you as gay or bisexual or trans even. And you're wrapping your head around what that means. And then all of this other stuff is just feeling like you don't even know who your child is anymore. Whatever may be going on on for you. That is making this moment, not an easy one, whether it's feeling jarring or scary or upsetting, or just a little uncomfortable, or maybe even just totally unacceptable to you. I wanna give you room to feel what you're feeling. And if you wish you were fine with it and you aren't, if you're struggling with your ability to hold the love that you have for your child and your heart and the inability to embrace what they've told you about themselves, I hope you can also have some compassion for yourself too.
It's okay to be feeling hard things. Another thing you may feel if you have chosen to embrace a more normative monogamous lifestyle for yourself is that your kid is rejecting you right now. And they're rejecting their upbringing in some way. Again, it's really normal for our kids' choices to feel like really, to us. And when they choose something that we wouldn't have chosen for them and that we also didn't choose for ourselves, it can feel like they're not choosing us. It can feel like all the things that you tried to give them and show them about what it means to have a good life and be a person are being thrown back in your face with a big, no thank you.
But that's not actually what they're doing by telling you they're polyamorous. What they're actually trying to tell you is this is who I am. And these are the people that I love. I'm gonna say that again to you, what your child is actually telling you when they are telling you their polyamorous, as they're saying, this is me, this is who I am. And I want you to know, I want you to be able to see me. And I want you to know about the people that I love, that they are taking this step to tell you who they are is not a rejection of you. It's not actually about you at all. It is out of a desire for you to be able to be in authentic relationship with them. They are opening themselves up to you and inviting you in by showing you who they are.
They are giving you an opportunity to love them for who and what they actually are rather than trying to perform who they think you want them to be. So, while I want you to have room for all the grief, fear, discomfort, shame, guilt, rejection, can anger, whatever that you might be feeling. I also wanna say to you right now that this is a golden opportunity. Your child is right there. And them coming out to you is an invitation into their heart, into knowing them. And while their decision may feel difficult or even painful, it is also a sign that they trust you and love you enough to take the risk. To be honest with you, despite knowing that this may be hard for you to hear about you have raised a child that is choosing courage and honesty and closeness over what might be easier, staying hidden and being distant.
They are reaching out to you. And I would like to help you not fuck up the chance to know your kid. If you like my help, here's what I have for you. First. I want you to take a breath and thank them for telling you, I realize that might be hard. It might not be the first instinct that you have but please trust me. They went out on a limb to tell you something about themselves. They are likely very afraid that you might reject them or question them or dismiss them. So even if you may not feel great about what they've just shared with you, they very much need to hear that. You're glad they told you. Second it's to ask them for some time to find your footing with this new information. I've said it before. It's okay to have all these feelings.
And I want you to take the time to feel them and really sit with them. I want you to allow all of what may come up for you, and I want you not to just allow it. I want you to like examine it, go deep into it. Really understand everything that you're feeling in part, because if you did have hopes and dreams for your kids that are now dashed or you're worried about at Matilda, or you do discover that you have some homophobia buried in your heart, I want you to get real clue year on all of that stuff and make sure you have it under wraps before you start hanging out with your kid and their partners, et cetera, so that it does not come sideways and leak all over your kid and spill out all over them and potentially hurt them and their partners who also most likely, very much want to be accepted and loved by you.
Third, I would encourage you to do a little bit of educating yourself because there is a lot of information out there about polyamory, about non-monogamy, about queerness, about all of this stuff, and really what better way to show your kid that you're listening to them and that you love them than to learn more about what they have just told you about themselves. Now, if you want some quick and easy things Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles have written a book called it's called polyamory. And it is a wonderful primer on some of the basics of just what polyamory is and what you need to know. Another one that I like is called when someone you love is polyamorous, and that is by Elisabeth Sheff. If a book feels like too much for you, Ada Powers also wrote a great blog post called the coffee break primer on polyamory.
And I'll post all of these resources in the notes for this podcast. So you can go back and look at the show notes. If you wanna get links. Also, this is one of those moment where you can actually just Google it, like Google the heck out of it. You can find so much. And I encourage you to really go into it, learn the jargon, learn what a metamour is, learn what conversion means. Listen to some podcasts. I know a really good one, but there are just so many resources out there for you to learn. And if you are in particular worried about your grandkids, because you've got grandkids, Elisabeth Sheff has actually written several articles in psychology today, as well as multiple books and conducted a longitudinal research study on children in polyamorous families. So there is data on this. You don't actually have to just live in fear.
You can go look at the research and see what the outcomes are like for children of polyamorous families. And if you're interested in hearing from a child of a polyamorous family a person named co-creation has also written a memoir of what it was like for them to grow up that way. Here's the short birth of what about the grandkids? Okay. It's not that different from growing up with stepparents or in households where extended family members are present, et cetera, the kids are not walking in on their parents having wild orgys and the kids are not harmed by having extra loving adults around. So you can relax about that one, but, but really go, go look it up. I promise if the next time you talk to your kid about polyamory, you show up to the conversation, super informed. You're gonna blow their mind and they are gonna feel so loved.
So next thing, fourth, I want you to try to be open and look for ways, understand things from your kids' point of view. I want you to really try to empathize with where they're coming from and really get a deep understanding of that. One of the best ways to get there is to ask your kid questions and really ask with an intention of understanding. Not like Europe did detective investigating an alibi and cross examining a witness, but with genuine curiosity. And one of the tools I really like when you're trying to listen to understand is to reflect back what you're hearing. Because sometimes you might hear something from your kid and your brain's gonna interpret it a way that they don't mean it. And so I would really slow down when your kid is trying to answer your questions and reflect back what you're hearing so that you can get a lot of clarity. I wanna remind you, your child has opened a door into who they are, and now you have this wonderful chance to find out about it. Do you know that I would actually die for that right now? Like I ask my kid how their school day is. And most of the time my kid is like fine. Well, okay. What happened today? Nothing much.
My guess is your kid with love to tell you about anything you wanna know, but they also don't wanna bombard you with things that you don't wanna know. So it's really on you in this moment to show your openness, your willingness, your curiosity, to hear from them, try to ask really open ended questions. Like how long have you known this about yourself? What does having more than one romantic partner mean to you? What are your hopes and dreams for your future relationships? How many streaming service subscriptions do you have access to now? And does one of your partners have access to Disney plus some questions not to ask include things like where DoAll all sleep. How does the sex work or generally anything about sex? Because like, hopefully that's not something you're asking your kids about generally, cuz it's really none your business, but otherwise asking questions is a really great way to show your willingness, to try to understand.
Fifth, find some to trusted people to talk to about this new information that you have. As I said before, I really want you to be allowed to have all of the difficult feelings, all of the emotions. But I think it's so important that you don't put your kid in the position of holding space for how hard this is for you to grapple with being a sexual and relational minority is a really vulnerable place to be. And those of us who are polyamorous know that others will often not understand us or make wrong assumptions or judge us. And so from you, our family, what we really need is support and not any further signals that we're something wrong. Now I realize that that can put you in a real bind if you're just not in a place where you can be supportive yet. And I don't want you to fake it, but at the very least you can work through that, bind with someone else rather than making it your kids problem.
And if thinking about talking to others about it makes you nervous or scared because you're worried that they're gonna judge you or they won't understand, or they're gonna put you in a position of defending your kid when you really aren't ready to do that yet. But also you don't wanna gang up on your kid either and be in solidarity with that person. Who's questioning those people that you're thinking about. Probably aren't the ones to talk to make sure that you reach a out to someone who you know is gonna be open-minded and who isn't going to judge you or your kid. And if you don't have anyone like that in your life, maybe consider booking a few sessions with a polyamory friendly therapist or coach.
Here's the last thing I recommend allow this revelation from your kid to really impact you. Let it challenge you. Maybe let it change you because not only is this an excellent opportunity to get closer to your kid and know them better, it's all potentially an opportunity to learn things about yourself. So in my work, we have a name for this. It's called an AFOG, which stands for another fucking opportunity for growth. Now I realize that a lot of times, if we wanna grow, we're gonna actually intentionally seek out those opportunities ourselves. And maybe it feels crummy and unfair to feel forced by your kid into an opportunity for growth. But I I'm just gonna tell you growth is part of why we're here on this planet. I think, and it's inevitable that the other humans in our lives are going to demand it of us.
So I'm going to invite you to embrace the AFOG right now. One thing I've noticed over my years of being polyamorous out in the world is that sometimes my choices really stir other people up about the choices that they've made and how they've decided to live their lives. And maybe when your kid is telling you that they're polyamorous. One of the things that happens to you is that it cracks open a door inside you or in your past that maybe you had been keeping firmly closed. And maybe, maybe you don't wanna open that door. That's fine. I'm not gonna say you have to, you could just go back up to that door though and revisit all the things that you left behind it and make your peace with it again within your heart and push the crack back closed. Or maybe you open it up again and look at all those things again, and maybe rediscover some things about yourself that you had set aside.
And yeah, maybe that's scary. Maybe that's hard. But if your first inclination, when your child tells you about who they are is to pull away and reject them, I'm going to suggest gently that the work, might be to take a look at yourself, because that may be the real thing that you're pulling away from. And here I will implore you. Please don't push your child away just to keep yourself from feeling challenged. You are supposed to be the older and wiser one here capable of holding the complexity of life, capable of holding yourself and your child as a separate entity from you. And if your child is telling you something about who they are, that is outside the norm, I really want you to think about why they need you. They need you, all of the things that you are in truth. All of us who are choosing to live outside of the thick hard line society draws for us, need our people.
We need support. You may not have chosen this moment to face something difficult, but sometimes those moments just choose us. And we have to take a deep breath and brave hard things. And if not for your child, then what for I'll close by saying this at the end of the day, your kid choosing to partner with more than one person and their choice to tell you have one important thing in common, love what I want you to know and what I think maybe they want you to know is that they love more than one person because love is what they were built for. And loving this way is perhaps for them the most authentic expression of who they are, where the best path to happiness for them and the other people in their life. Even if it's hard, sometimes even if you don't understand it, and if they are choosing to love deeply and big and bravely, and they are choosing to share that with you and inviting you to see that and know the people that they love, even if that leaves you feeling uncertain of their decisions and maybe of yourself as a parent, I'd also take it as a sign that you raise them to prioritize love and that they wanna share that love with you.
And maybe that's something to be really proud of.
