Doing It in a Group
In this epsiode, Libby gives you her best tips for having awesome sexytimes with groups of 3 or more.
Transcript
In real life group sex can be awkward. Funny, weird, really emotional sensory overload, scary, and also traumatizing. In addition, it can also be super hot and even, spiritually transcendent.
So this topic for today might feel like a departure from the making polyamory work podcast. But I wanna tell you that really my show is all about how you can be excellent to each other. And I thought it was time to talk about how to be excellent to each other when you wanna have group sex. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. I thought it was time to talk about group sex because as the pandemic starts winding down, I just imagine that people are going to be interested in having these kinds of gatherings, where group sex might be a possibility. And I also am getting the sense that the pandemic has caused even more people to, you know, just challenge norms, wanna stretch their legs and be willing to explore things that might have otherwise felt taboo to them. And honestly, like group sex is probably what a lot of people think about when they think about having multiple sexual partners in the first place.
I'm sure is at the very least a fantasy before I go into all of the ways that group sex can be great and how to do it. Well, I do wanna, first of all, say that if you are polyamorous and you're uninterested in group sex, that's totally ok. There's nothing about the polyamory creed that says you have to have group sex. And in fact, it's really common for your partners to definitely not wanna have any sexual interactions with each other, like that's really normal. And also you can be interested in group sex and not be interested in casual sex. Like I do know people who only have group sex within their molecule and only in discreet ways. And only at certain times, it's not like this common thing, but it does happen occasionally. And you, you can really only have group sex with people that you're close to, like established partners and close friends, et cetera.
But I also wanna say that from my experience, plenty of polyamorous people also like to do casual group sex. They like to go to parties where this kind of thing happens, or maybe even go to swinger clubs and consider themselves swingers. In addition to being polyamorous, there's a lot of overlap and really, I don't wanna get into this thing of, you know, polyamory isn't about the sex because for some people it really is. And like I said, group sex can be great. And like that's a personal stance that I have, honestly. I mean, for those of you who have heard me talk about my own sexuality, I identify as largely on the asexual spectrum somewhere between gray asexual and demisexual, and I like group sex. Most of the times that I've had it, it was really fun and cool. I mean, it's a little bit tricky for me, but I also think it's really hot.
I think it's cool to collaborate with other partners. I think it's cool to get creative about the different kinds of things you can do and configurations you can make with multiple people. It can be a huge sensory experience if you really like that kind of thing. It can be really interesting and cool to be in a situation where you can both watch and be watched at the same time and play in different ways with different people. And I mean, honestly, I think group sex is like one of the potential benefits of having multiple sexual partners, but only, only if everyone is into it. So if this is something that you are interested in or fantasize about, I say, go for it. But if you are new to having group sex, I wanna offer you some thoughts about it first. And I am speaking as someone who is definitely not an expert, but who has some experience and also has been in and been part of a community where there multiple settings, where group sex regularly happens.
So it's been a topic of conversation for me for a very long time, and I really hope my in-laws aren't listening to this, but you know, that's the risk they take listening to my podcast, honestly. So the first thing I wanna tell you about group sex is that group sex in real life is not like what you see in porn or movies, sort of just like how most other sex in real life is not like what you see in porn or movies. I mean, in porn, nobody loses their erection because they're nervous because there are some extra people in porn, nobody gets a leg cramp or says, Hey, actually, my vulva can't take any more friction right now, folks, we gotta stop. You also, won't see someone get overwhelmed emotionally and need to leave the session and then have their partners all stop having the sex that they're having with other people to go check in.
Another thing that doesn't generally happen in porn is like ahead of time talking about boundaries, desires, STIs, and relationship agreements and all of these things, and more are things I hope happen in real life group, sex situations in porn, really it, you know, it's entertainment it's meant to be a fantasy. And so of course, everyone just happens to be in the right place at the right time. And everyone is swept up in the moment. And all of the things that are happening are largely nonverbal or, you know, not completely fully expressed and suddenly everybody's, fucking and it's super hot and everybody's having a good time and what's happening is exactly what everybody wants to have happen. And then everybody has an amazing orgasms and it's just blah fine. Fantastic. Right. And I, I love porn. Okay. But it's not a model for how any sex really, but definitely group sex actually tends to happen in real life.
In real life group sex can be awkward, funny, weird, really emotional sensory overload, scary, and also traumatizing. In addition, it can also be super hot and even spiritually transcendent. So here are my thoughts on how it can go. Well, now my top priority in talking to you about this is that I really don't want you to have group sex where someone comes away from that experience feeling assaulted or otherwise harmed. And the thing is someone can feel assaulted, harmed, even traumatized without them being willing to call that rape. Okay. So let's, let's, let's say yes, nobody should definitely rape anybody else, but that is a low fucking bar. Okay. What I want you to strive for if you're gonna have group sex, is that everyone feels good about it afterwards? Not just that everybody seems to be having a good time in the moment, because you can always tell that people are having a good time in the moment.
If there are other things in the mix that are making them feel to look like they're having a good time, what you want is that everyone felt good about that experience afterwards. And you know, they might feel good about that experience and then they don't wanna do it again because it just wasn't for them. You know, especially if it's new to you, you might try it and you might discover it's not for you, but giving people room to have those feelings, giving people room to have experience they wanted to have and not do anything that they didn't wanna do. That's what we're going for here. And I really do wanna just, you know, not to be a downer y'all, but I do wanna talk about how some of this could really go wrong. So a thing that could happen, someone could feel pressured to do something that they don't want to do.
They might feel pressured to try sex with a new sexual partner. They might feel pressured to do a new sex act that they've never done before, or one that they really only wanna do in certain context, or with certain people. There are all kinds of ways in which someone could do something that didn't wanna do, you know, that would make them feel bad about it afterwards. There's also someone could feel ashamed of their performance. Like they might not be able to have an orgasm or stay hard, or, you know, just stay in the flow of things and be super sexy. And, you know, if they feel ashamed that they didn't perform well, that could feel bad afterwards. Right? Another thing that could happen is someone could get overwhelmed and either just get into a fight flight place or a disassociate or freeze place. And you know, the fight flight wouldn't be so good because then they'd be really triggered and upset the dissociated freeze can also be bad because sometimes you can't tell if someone's dissociated or frozen, but in that state, they're usually not connected to their body anymore.
And so the things that are happening to them or with them is not really so consensual anymore. Another thing that could happen is that's, someone could just get emotionally triggered. They might feel something that they weren't expecting to feel, and then they might need some care, but they might not feel like they can ask for it. They might not feel like they're supposed to stop because everybody else is having a good time. And then they might end up feeling abandoned by the people who love them, because they really needed some support, but their partner were lost in this sexy experience. Another thing that could not feel good is feeling pressure to act like something feels good so that you don't hurt anybody's feelings or, you know, make anybody feel bad about their prowes. You might feel pressured to fake an orgasm. You might feel pressured to perform some fantasy for your partner at cetera.
And again, then you might just not feel good about having done that afterwards. So at best, these kinds of things might just make some people not excited to do it again, but at worst it could cause damage to your relationship. It could undermine feelings of trust between you and your partners, or again, it could make someone's feel assaulted or traumatized. So I wanna invite you to aim for being excellent about this y'all and that starts with consent. The consent model that I really like to use is one created by planned parenthood called fries. And that stands for freely given reversible informed, enthusiastic, and sustained so freely. Given what that means is no coercion, no pressure, no power dynamics that are preventing you from fully consenting, making sure that everyone is an adult and has all the faculties available to them, which includes, I think being sober when you are consenting to something and I'll get into that later second reversible, you need to have a way for people to say, I don't like this anymore.
I want to stop. Or I said, I wanted to do it, but I changed my mind without that hurting the relationship or ruining the whole experience informed, okay, everybody needs to talk about their STIs, but not just their STIs. I think it's important also to talk about how your body works, whether you have a difficulty orgasm, or whether it comes easily to you, whether certain parts of your body don't feel good to be touched. And other parts you love of being touched any particular boundaries that you might have of particular things you would never wanna do and things that you do regularly, and really like to do, whether you are a person who squirts or not just giving people an acquaintance of how your body works so that they know what to expect, can be really helpful and giving them information. So informed.
Very good. So E is for enthusiastic and all enthusiastic is, is you are saying you are a fuck yes to this. You're not a sure. You're not a, eh, I don't know. Or you're not, oh, I guess if you want to, you are a, yes, I wanna do this. This is for me, I'm excited about it. I want this. And finally we have S which is for specific. And all that means is it's really important to be clear exactly what you are agreeing to. That means being really clear about when you have a request, what you're actually asking for, or when you have an offer you're actually offering. So, Hey, do you wanna have sex? That's actually not very clear. Some people take that to mean PIV sex. Some people take that to mean oral sex. Some people take that to mean phone sex.
I don't know. So you gotta be really specific about what body part's going with, what body part, what you're gonna be doing, and whether they're gonna be barriers involved, et cetera, et cetera, you need to be really clear so that people know what they are agreeing to. So I'm gonna go a little more into these and how they show up in group sex. Because I think using this fries model for consent and being real serious about consent is the thing that can make it a good time for everybody. And I really wanna be clear about that because I think some people have this idea that having all these upfront conversations, because it is more than just one tiny little conversation of You wanna? Yeah. It's a lot more conversation than that. And I think we're taught that having these kinds of conversation like kills the vibe, or it's just excessive and unnecessary.
And I wanna say, nuh you know, what really kills the vibe for me is for someone to have been harmed in a way that could have been avoided. If we just talked about it beforehand, what would kill the vibe for me is if we were having a wonderful time, but then somebody didn't have a boundary communicated with someone else. And then that boundary got crossed. And then that person was super triggered and shut down. And it ruined their freaking night that kills the vibe, a conversation that makes the vibe for me, honestly. And I really do wanna invite you into this idea of having these conversations up front about what you wanna do, how you wanna do it, where it's gonna go and where it's not gonna go. That can be super erotic. It can be super like building up to something and getting you excited about something before it happens and that anticipation.
Hmm. I think it's yummy. Okay. So we're gonna go back to freely given. Now some of y'all are gonna disagree with me on this, but I, I kind of take a firm stance here. If you are having group sex with anybody who it's their first I'm having group sex with you. So even if like three of you have had group sex, but you're having a fourth, who's new to it. No substances be sober. If you have to get some kind of inebriated in order to engage in a group sex experience, I think maybe you should not be having a group sex experience, a little bit of something to loosen you up. Maybe that's okay. But the problem is, is when you're trying to loosen yourself up to do something, do you really wanna do it? The main thing is make sure you are adequately able to consent and maybe the place where you can play with this, if you really, really feel like, oh, I really wanna have just like one glass of wine or a little bit of a joint or something like that.
Just to make me feel a little more relaxed. That's part of sex for me. What I'll say is, okay, then have the conversations about what's going to happen before you start imbibing. Okay. And then have a real clear, I'm not gonna go beyond this point of drinking and I wouldn't have substances be like an ongoing part of the experience because I think it's real easy to not notice when you cross the line between being able to consent. And when you cross the line to not being able to consent. And if someone else isn't keeping tabs on that too, and not noticing again, then something could happen that people don't wanna have happen. And that just sucks. Okay. So again, I'm not saying don't have sex on substances, but I am saying if it's a new thing, really watch it because that can go awry. And I think the main thing I wanna say is if your intention in trying to make a threesome happen is to get everybody drunk and hope that y'all fall into bed together.
That is a recipe for, for someone feeling assaulted. So please don't okay. Okay. So freely given though also means no pressure, and this can be a tricky one because pressure is something that I think is endemic to group sex. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean, when you have more than just two people, first of all, you can have pressure to have sex with just two people, right? But when you add more people into the mix, then if you are the one person who doesn't want something or feels uncomfortable or needs to take a break, there's more pressure than there would be with just one other person to ignore what you need and ignore your own feelings and wants. It's not enough to just not put pressure on. It's really important to actively take the pressure off. And so where I want you to start in terms of taking the pressure off is take the pressure off of yourself because it can be so easy when you're excited about something, or when you're excited about doing something with someone else and having this shared experience, you can put pressure on yourself for it to be amazing.
And you know, I'm not gonna say that your first time might not be amazing, but I also wanna say in my experience, the first time you do anything is not gonna be the most amazing time that it happens. And so if you have the mindset, it can be what it will be. This is just a chance to experiment and discover and be in a playful in and exciting and new and adventurous space with people that I care about or people that I find really sexy, you know, that's enough, whatever happened, whatever feels good, as long as everybody feels good, there's no like outcome that needs to happen. Outcome ha ha get it anyway. A mantra that I think is important here is again, we are here for everyone to feel good at the end of the night, the next day, et cetera. Another thing that might help this mindset of not putting pressure on yourself or anybody else is that, this doesn't have to be characterized as a one shot deal.
And I think that's important because I do think that we have this idea sometimes in our minds that you know, something new and novel and exciting, it might be the only time it ever happens that, you know, this is the moment when the stars align. It better be great because it may never happen again. And I wanna invite you to banish this thought from your mind, because even if it's true, it's not helpful, but I also just don't think it's true. Yeah. Maybe with schedules and things like that, it might be harder to line up group sex than it is to line up one on one sex. But I do want you to think about this, not as a, it better be this now or never et cetera. But instead to think about it as laying the foundation for the future, there's always another chance to do this.
Really. At the end of the day, you are better off letting someone wish, or you wish that something had happened. That didn't happen. Then the opposite wishing that something hadn't happened that did this is really flipped from how we usually think about things where we really feel like we're supposed to seize the day and go after what we want and we regret what we didn't do. And I really think with sex and particularly group sex, it's, it's different. It is way better to leave the experience wanting more and wishing, oh man, there was this cool thing we could have done, but we just decided to keep it like low key the first time. But man, I'm so excited about the next time, another place where you wanna make sure that you take pressure off is making sure that anybody who's participating knows that they can stop at any time or decide that they don't even wanna do it.
And again, I wanna just go back to the thing of group sex versus one-on-one sex. There is just naturally more pressure and there's more pressure because if two people are having a good time over here and you're a third and you're a fourth and y'all, aren't having such a good time, there's this pressure to not like kill the vibe for other people. You know, if you are, if you stop being into it or if you get overwhelmed or you need a break or you need some slowing down and checking in, it can be hard in the moment to ask for that. Again, there's this pressure. There's just this natural peer pressure to not be the one to ruin everything for everyone else. And so upfront. I think it's good to have a conversation about how we do this. And I think for me, I would wanna make sure that anybody who needs to stop means everybody stops.
Anybody who needs to slow down means everybody slows down and that we have a practice, an intentional practice of pausing in the experience and just checking in and you don't have to do this in like a super stilted weird way. You don't have to be like everybody stop everybody. Okay, everybody. Okay. Okay. Continue. You know, it can be more casual, more loving, more sexy than that. It can be, Hey, I just wanna pause here for a moment. Are you still having a good time? Is there anything you need that would make things better right now? Do you wanna slow down or do you want more, you know, there are ways to say this that can be sexy, but I think making sure that that's a part of the experience is so crucial. And again, just having that mindset of this is a thing that can happen again.
So there's no like conclusion that we need to reach. There's no filmmaker filming this. It's not a porn. There's no need to abandon yourself. There's no need to just keep going. If anybody is unfinished and still has excitement in their body, you know, they can. They can masturbait they can think about it later while they're having sex with someone else. You know, there's so many opportunities to like deal with the sexual energy, if things have to stop. So there's, there should be no pressure here for anything to happen or for anything to continue. But again, if you pretend like we're all free agents here and just kind of go along without like proactively creating measures to reduce the pressure, then that's where it, it, it's just not, you can't avoid it. There's just there's pressure. Some other things I wanna say about the pressure is you can feel this pressure to perform too, right?
You can feel this pressure to make sure that her body is pleasing to other people and maybe it's not gonna do the thing that you want it to do. And there may be that's another conversation to have is, you know, what, if I don't get hard or what if I stop being wet? Or what if it stops feeling good? And we still wanna keep playing, what are some other things that we can do together that allow us to keep playing? Even if our bodies are doing different things, then we would otherwise like them to do. And also if someone else isn't performing it, can, I know that that can sometimes happen that you will blame yourself or feel like you're doing something wrong. And again, this is where having those upfront conversations can help so that everybody knows, Hey, like this is a thing that might happen with my body and that doesn't have anything to do with you because it often, generally doesn't.
So next thing informed, okay, now this is where we talk about STIs. Everybody should disclose any STIs that they have or any risky sexual practices have. These, this is pretty standard, but I think it's also important to talk, not just about, you know, viruses and bacteria, but also to talk about how your bodies work and about any relationship agreements you may have, that the other people may need to know about. And also about anything you're really excited to do. Like that's part of it too. And I think it's really nice to do something called an opening circle. Even if it's just with like a small number of people where you all sit around and you're sober and your clothes are on and you just sit down and you talk about what you might wanna do together. And I think this is good to do, even if you've already had sex with all the people individually, because maybe this is the first time you've all been together in this way.
And so everybody might not have the same information and it can be really useful to sit down and just make sure everybody does, even if you think, you know, so, you know, again, talking about any STI concerns, any also any pregnancy concerns, any other, you know, injuries, anything that might get in the way, anything that anybody might need to know about where you like to be touched or where you don't like to be touched, anything that's unique about your body, any cool things. It does sexual practices around barriers, use of condoms, dental, dams. What kind, whether you have any latex, sensitivities, what kind of lube you like to use and what kind of lube definitely shouldn't be used on your body, any medical conditions and, and lastly, like any triggers or any kind of known trauma responses that you might have in a sexual context.
I think if you know that you can sometimes freeze or disassociate, it might be useful to talk about that ahead of time so that people can understand that that's a thing that happens for you and how to care for you when that does happen, if it happens. And I'll just give you a weird example from my own life. Like, I actually sometimes cry during sex. And I think this is really common actually. But I think because it's not really talked about, it's not something that people necessarily know what to do about when it's happening. And they're like, did I do something wrong? And you hurt, what's go going on. I don't know. And so again, if it, if you talk about it ahead of time and you say, Hey, sometimes I cry during sex. I'm usually okay. And I can ask for what I need, if I need to take a break or if I need some holding or some cuddling, or I need to, you know, continue what's happening be because I like crying when I'm doing this, I will let you know.
You know, and again, that's just kind to let someone know what they can expect. You wanna talk about what you, what your hard knows are like, definitely this is a thing that I am not up for, or this is a thing I'm not up for tonight. But other times I might be talk a little bit about what turns you, you on what is super hot for you. What are things that could really turn you off? And I think it can be things that aren't about touch right consent. Isn't just about touch consent can be also, Hey, I am totally fine with you calling me a hot, sexy mama, but don't call me a dirty little who, cause I'm not into that kind of talk. You, those are the kind of things that I encourage you to share. Again, this is giving people the information they need to be caring towards you and you getting the information you need to be caring towards others.
And I'll also just add again, you may not know everything that you're up for or everything that you're not up for. And I think that's okay. However, I think it's useful to set some kind of limits in some kind of bars. And if you're not sure, maybe set the bar to a lower stakes place, then even you might be willing to go next time. So for example, if having an orgasm is really vulnerable to have around other people, maybe you just take orgasms off the table for the first time. Or maybe if you're worried about safety, maybe you just use hands and toys rather than having any exchange of bodily fluids, or maybe you make it sort of a fun, playful thing where, you know, you could say something like, Hey, I get to touch you, but I don't want you to touch me. There's so many different ways you can create a sexual experience that can feel light and fun and not create this pressure to like follow some kind of script or kind of read into what everyone's expectations are.
And it can be such a great opportunity to get to know each other and discover things that you might want to do in the future when there's a next time, it's okay to set the bar low and start there. But I really think having a pre-discussion about what's on table and what's off the table. And then from there, whatever was off the table stays off the table and you don't try to put it on the table in the middle of the moment. And we'll talk a little bit more about that in a minute. The next one is enthusiastic. And really all that means is making sure that again, everyone truly wants to be there. You know, there is this thing called FOMO, right? And I think with polyamory and, you know, potentially comparisons and jealousy dynamics and things like that, if you know, one partner is up for group sex and the other one is uncomfortable about it.
The other partner might feel like pressure to join in because if they don't, then they might miss out on this experience with their partner and then they might have less value to their partner. And, and, and, and I think it's really important to have some loving and compassionate conversations to really leave a lot of extra room for everyone to say, mm, I'm not comfortable with this, this isn't for me. And then if you wanna do it anyway, here's the reassurance that I need to feel okay. That I'm not participating. Like, I think that's, that's a really important thing too. You don't want anybody to be there in that experience that isn't being there for themselves for their own enjoyment or their own exploration or what have you. But I also wanna say, it's okay to be enthusiastic about trying something to see if you like it.
And maybe you're enthusiastic about trying it. And then after you try it, you're not so enthusiastic about it anymore. And this is why it's so important to have conversations about how you say, okay, I need to stop now. Okay. I need to back off of that for a moment and take a minute to kind to just check in with myself or, okay. I really need to back out of this experience. And then how can you do that in a way that still feels good to you and still feels good to everyone else. Now, another piece of enthusiastic again, is making sure that nobody is asking to do something in the moment that has been previously stated as a no. Once someone has said no to something or said, they're not up for something that topic should not be revisited in the, in the moment. It it's really so important.
If you happen to change your own mind in the moment, you can just file it away for next time, because if you do this right, there will be a next time. Okay. When group sex is happening, the energy, the sexual energy, especially if you've got at least one person who's just willing to just go for it. That can be contagious. That can be its own. I intoxicant, you know, you can just get so excited and swept up and, you know, sensory stimulated. And it can just be so important to acknowledge that too. And this is another reason why having boundaries in place can be good ahead of time, because you might even be super excited about doing something in the moment because you're really swept up in the sexual energy. But then afterwards you might have been unhappy about that, or it might have gone too far.
It might have gone outside your relationship agreements or whatever it might be. And, you know, I, I also wanna say here, actually, that it's really important if you've made any kind of relationship agreements, even ones that are quote unquote, not good ones to have, you know, like I'm not gonna do this because I'm only saving this for this partner or whatever. I think it's good to keep your relationship agreements again, with the idea that if you discover a relationship agreement, that's incompatible with what you wanna do in the moment, Hey, you can go back to your partner and say, oh my God, I had this group experience. And I realized that. I said, I'd only do butt stuff with you, but I really wanna do butt stuff with more people. Can we please talk about that and maybe renegotiate our agreement, doing it that way, doesn't destroy the trust that your partner has placed in you around creating this agreement.
And also it's not hampering your agency because you know, you're gonna go forward and renegotiate it. The last letter in the fries model is S for specific. Now, most of what I would have to say about specific is actually pretty covered. If you have the pre-conversation like that opening circle, where you talk about not only your STI status and how your body works and you know, all of that stuff, but also where your yeses and your no are. And if you predis, like what you're gonna do before you do it, then everyone agrees to it. Then you already have kind of a game plan for what's gonna happen. And that can, again, really take the pressure off, figuring out what to do in the moment. But you know, sometimes something's gonna come up in the moment that you wanna do. Okay. It's really important that you open your mouth and express what it is that you specifically wanna do.
And this is where in group sex, it might get actually kind of awkward because sometimes what you're trying to describe that you wanna do involves like three or four different people, all doing Different things, and you have to kind of coordinate them all in all their body parts. And maybe you want person a over here on this side of you in person B down there, and person C maybe doing something off to the side, and this is where it can be really good actually to talk about who is driving the car of the group. Now, what do I mean by that? I actually think in a group scenario, some people, when they're in a sexual situation, you know, they wanna let go and go with the flow and be in the moment. And I'm not gonna say that they, you shouldn't do that, but if nobody is like kind of MCing or, or orchestrating things and making sure everybody's okay, and making sure that the, the whatever is happening is set and that everybody has gotten on board with whatever it is, then it can get really messy.
So I think it can be really useful to not only be specific about what you wanna do, but be specific about who is playing what role. So if you're gonna be in the like receiving position, going back to like that wheel of consent, where like, who's, who's doing the doing, who's giving the gift, who is this for who wants what? And, you know, that's another thing you gotta coordinate. If you have someone who is in the driver's seat of like vibe, checking it, everybody making sure that everybody's on board with the thing, and then moving things along and moving things forward that can really help the experience go a whole lot more smoothly. And some people are just a natural at this. They just kind of naturally slide into the driver's seat. But sometimes if you don'ts see who is in the driver's seat, then nobody probably is. And again, that's where it can get messy. Now, sometimes you may not wanna be in the driver's seat the whole time. You're willing to be in there part of the time. And this is again where a pre-conversation can come in really handy. Where, how do you, how do you tap in and tap out of, who's kind of driving the car of the dynamic between everybody.
So that's, that's all the consent stuff. And I'll tell you, I really think if you practice really excellent consent in a group sex scenario, you're gonna have a really good time because the rest of it, I think honestly, takes care of itself. It's an awesome time to explore. It's an awesome time to play. It's there's just so much opportunity that what I really want is the safe container to create the, like the rails so that nobody falls off and gets hurt. That said, I have a couple of other just group sex, specific tips that might help you. That just, you may not have thought of. So the first thing is barriers and the fact that you're probably gonna need a whole lot more of them, because if you think about, if you really are gonna wanna practice, really keeping bodily fluid, separate and avoiding any kind of cross-contamination of germs, then what you're gonna wanna do is make sure that with each new partner you're gonna wanna change the barriers.
And that might mean, you know, maybe one person is having, you know, PIV sex over here, and then they wanna switch to the other partner. Will you go switch your condom? And you know, then maybe you wanna switch back. So you gotta take that condom back off and put on another one. So just be prepared for like lots of switching of barriers. Another thing that you're gonna wanna be aware of is, you know, hands, right? If your fingers are going in various orifices, you might wanna be aware of which Orus just had these fingers in. And whether you might need to pause and wash your hands before you continue what you're doing, what you really don't want is, again, that cross-contamination, if it's been, if your fingers have been in one place, you wanna make sure that you're not putting someone in a position of merging their bodily fluids or germs or bacteria from their anus or whatever.
So you wanna be mindful of it. And, and honestly that might mean having some wash clots nearby having towels nearby, but no hand sanitizer, because like hand sanitizer has alcohol in it that can be really drying to, you know, very sensitive body parts. It's not really great for mucus membranes. It doesn't really taste good if it goes in your mouth. So I really don't recommend hand sanitizer. What I really think is probably more likely is that you just might have to stop and pause to wash your hands often. So just be prepared for that. And the last thing I'll say is lube lots and lots of lube and the good stuff too. Don't like really talk with everybody about like the kinds of lube that are good for their bodies and maybe have a few different options and make sure that you're thinking about compatibility with different kinds of lubes and different kinds of things.
So like for instance, don't use silicone lube with silicone toys. That's sort of a 1 0 1 level thing, but a lot of people don't know that because silicone lube can break down the silicone in the toys. So you wanna make sure you're using a water based lube with toys. It can also be really good speaking of toys to put condoms on top of toys that you're using so that you can use them between different partners. Again, without that cross-contamination of bodily fluids. The last thing I'll say about group sex is I I've given you all this information about how to do it well and how to be really excellent to each other, and be very good on consent and make sure everybody has a good time. You might still mess up, you know, someone might realize they have a boundary once it's crossed, or someone might think that this thing is gonna feel good.
And then they try and it really doesn't feel good. And it ends up being really triggering and they end up really upset. Sometimes emotions like big emotions happen. I remember one time I was in a group sex scenario and one of my partners had sex with someone else. And it really stirred up a lot of jealousy in me that I didn't even know was there. And it was really uncomfortable to be with that. And, you know, it was something we had to talk about afterwards and you know, it wasn't anything bad, like nobody did anything wrong, but feelings that I wasn't expecting to feel happened for me. And that kind of took me out of the moment and I had to figure out what I wanted to do there. So like the other thing that's so important about this and is just be gracious and generous with each other.
And I think if you do all of these other things that I've suggested around consent, that's gonna leave you the room to be flexible, to be forgiving, to be understanding as long as nobody's like pushing anybody or trying to trick anybody, or, you know, any of that behavior that hopefully you're not gonna do you know, there's room for errors, right? And there's room for apologies and repair and, and really I'm off offering all this stuff because I want you to have fun because group sex can be super fun. It can be awesome. It can also be complex and tricky, and pressure is just built into the experience. But if you have excellent consent practices and you just honor all the humans involved, you have this awesome opportunity for something that people are excited about having done and maybe excited about doing again. And the next thing, you know, you're maybe buying special equipment, special benches and swings and triple dildos. I don't know. Anyway, kids go have fun, but be excellent to each other.
