Dating as a Couple
Nothing is a hot-button topic quite like a couple looking to date the same person. A lot of people have only one piece of advice, "Don't," often served with heaping portions of shame and ridicule. Yet, year after year, established couples seek to find a shared partner, and many folks also seek relationships with established couples. Is there something to this? In this episode, Libby offers some thoughts on why you might want to date as a couple (or date a couple) and some helpful ideas on how to do this well.
Transcript
And I know as soon as I talk about this, a lot of poly people are gonna go from zero to 60 and just are gonna tell me that I am prioritizing couple hood or I am reinforcing negative and harmful stereotypes about polyamory and polyamorous behavior. And I don't know what to tell y'all. I just know that sometimes people do wanna date as a couple, and I don't think it's always a bad thing. And yes, a lot of people do it wrong. And yes, unicorn hunting is a problem. And I also think just kind of shaming people and telling people not to do it doesn't help people do things better. It just causes people to drop away and do what they wanna do. And then they proceed to make all the mistakes that they're gonna make any way, but then they don't have any support.
A few months ago, I was on Instagram and I've for those of you who are not on social media, good for you. But if you are on social media and you're not following me on Instagram, you should check it out. 'cause I've been posting more stuff there. Anyway, I was on Instagram checking out my feed, and I have polyam fam, also known as Chad in my feed.
And he had done this video about this, it was, you know, it was one of those really cool sketch videos where you know he pretends to, in this case, he was pretending to be someone approaching another person at a bar and saying that, Hey, like me and my partner, we've been checking you out and we really like your vibe. Can we buy you a drink? And then he had another version of himself come in, in a referee's uniform and say, red flag, you know, and that, and that, you know, talked about how it was inappropriate that this person was approaching this single person as part of a couple. And it was just so interesting what happened from there in the comments there were people who were like wait a minute. I didn't see anything bad about this. This person was open and upfront about the fact that they were with a partner.
They were clear about their interest, and then they just offered to connect, like, what's wrong with that? And then a whole slew of other people popped in and said, you know, dating is a couple's wrong, dating is a couple is creepy, unicorn hunting is bad. And I just, it was so interesting the conversation. 'cause There were some people who were like, I like dating couples, or, I would love it if someone approached me like this. And so I guess it made me really wanna talk about how do you date as a couple, if that's something that you wanna do. And I am specifically gonna talk about how to date as a couple, rather than talking about how to date a couple. Although I do think that if you want to date a couple, you also need a how to episode. So maybe that'll be a follow-up episode.
But I wanted to talk about how to date as a couple, if that's something that you want to do. And I know as soon as I talk about this, a lot of poly people are gonna go from zero to 60 and just are gonna tell me that I am prioritizing couplehood, or I am reinforcing negative and harmful stereotypes about polyamory and polyamorous behavior. And I don't know what to tell y'all. I just know that sometimes people do wanna date as a couple, and I don't think it's always a bad thing. And yes, a lot of people do it wrong. And yes, unicorn hunting is a problem. And I also think just kind of shaming people and telling people not to do it doesn't help people do things better. It just causes people to drop away and do what they wanna do, and then they proceed to make all the mistakes that they we're gonna make any anyway, but then they don't have any support. So my position here and my intention in creating this episode is to help you if you're someone who is in a couple and you are interested in dating as a couple I'm not here to shame you. I'm not here to judge you. I can totally understand why you'd wanna do that. And I'll talk a little bit about that too. And I wanna help you understand what you're really getting into and maybe hopefully give you some tips on how to do it well if it's something you decide to move forward on.
So first and foremost, I wanna define some terms here. Let's first define what unicorn hunting is and why it's a problem. So unicorn hunting is specifically a heterosexual couple. One man, one woman choosing to date a third as a couple. And specifically that would be a bisexual woman who would love them both equally and also just kind of meld themselves into the existing relationship. And also not date anybody else or want anybody else, but sort of be their, their missing piece. If you know, , if like the couple isn't complete as and of itself, the third person will be their missing piece, but also somehow change nothing about the existing relationship, but just sort of amplify it and make it better. So it's kind of, if you're not catching on, I don't think that, and this, there's a reason why they call it unicorn hunting.
It's actually not super realistic to be looking for a unicorn and to be a couple who is hunting for a unicorn. And the major reasons why it's not realistic is that, okay, who is this mystical third person who can just be perfectly compatible with you and, and your partner and not disrupt anything? That's just not realistic. Also, the idea behind unicorn hunting is that this person, this mystical third person, is going to love both people equally and not challenge any of the status quo within the previously theoretically monogamous relationship. That being said, all that being said, I also know several people who love identifying as a unicorn, specifically a bisexual woman who loves hooking up with couples and dating couples. Now, I don't think that they're usually looking for their one couple that they're gonna run off into the sunset with.
They're usually interested in sort of guest starring as a sex partner, or they date several couples, but they just really like dating couples. And they're really good at sort of navigating the trickiness around dating two people who are also dating each other. But unicorn hunting in and of itself. You the reason why people don't like it, and I'm in agreement with this, is that it, it doesn't really take into account the completeness and complexity of what a third person really means when you are bringing that person into your relationship. And it's also just kind of rigid. It's kind of like monogamy plus one. and again, I, the biggest problem for me is it's just not realistic. Like human beings are way messier than that. and when you try to kind of force something to look a certain way and you're inviting a third person in who looks as, and you're, you're only allowing them to join you if they are a certain way and conform to certain expectations and rules, and there's this power dynamic between, there's two of you and one of them, you're established, they're new, it can create a whole problem of that person feeling objectified, that person feeling exploited, that person feeling like they have to shrink down who they are in order to fit in a predetermined mold.
And all of that stuff is just harmful and doesn't set you up for what I consider to be an empowered, secure relationship. So that is not the same thing as dating as a couple. So let me give you an example of someone who's dating as a couple who I know. One of my really close friends is dating a couple, and they have been in a relationship. They had the established relationship and my friends started dating them together. And they are also in other relationships as well. They're actually both married to other people and they're, but they themselves, the two of them that my friend is dating are themselves a couple. So as you can see, there's no like unicorn here. There's no like one third person that's there to fit in with, you know, with an established long-term relationship that doesn't have anybody else.
There's instead a three-way dynamic that just happens to work really, really well. And all those people in that situation are super happy about it. I'll just give you another example of what is a triad, but is not dating as a couple would be the triad that I'm in. So for those of you who don't know, I live with my spouse slash co-parent. And I live with my partner of eight years. And the two of them are partners with each other, but my spouse and I who are the more established relationship of the three we did not date as a couple . I started dating Kyrr all on my own and our relationship developed really slowly and organically. And then just over time in fact, I can remember the moment when it started to happen, we were all at a play party together and the two of them just kind of like cuddled on the couch and they had just done a scene with me where they were kind of co topping me and that was kind of a bonding experience for them.
And then later on like maybe a month or two later, I said, you know, y'all both really like cuddling in the bed when you're sleeping and you both wish that I would do that with you, but I hate that 'cause it's just not my thing. And so I was like, why don't y'all like, we can, we can all cuddle and snuggle and kiss and whatever, but then why don't y'all go sleep together in the bed and cuddle with each other all night and I'll sleep by myself, . and they were like, huh, oh, okay, sure, why not? And then, you know, the next morning Drew my husband, he's like, so he kissed and I was like, Uhhuh, okay, cool. And you know, over time they did more than kiss. Over time they fell in love and you know, now we all live together , but we never dated as a couple Kyrr and I never dated as a couple.
Drew and I never dated as a couple. So but we are a triad. All of us are dating each other and triads for what it's worth are, are great. I really like the way in which it's integrated. I like dating someone who is also dating someone else that I love. There's a lot of convenience around it. It's nice having extra adults in my house. I do think that there's more stability in a triad if it's a good triad because you know, as, as we say in polyamory, no one person can bring you everything maybe that you need. But because of the, like integratedness of the three of us, like we all kind of bring our unique skills and our unique abilities and our unique capacities into the three-way relationship. And it just makes it stronger. and more like for me, like more complete.
So it's kind of funny, that whole thing about like looking for that third person that's gonna complete you it, it feels a little bit like that sometimes when I feel like, you know, oh, like this thing that I can't do with Drew, but I'd really like to have in my household, in my family, oh, it's here with Kyrr. And again, you could get that by living together in AV or not even living together, but just having diverse relationships. But there is something I think really special about being in a triad that's really nice. And I guess some other reasons why like you might wanna be in a triad is if you're, if you really don't want to have like a lot of partners that you have to do a lot of work to spend a lot of time with, like, you don't wanna have to like fill your calendar with lots of dating.
You just kind of really want like a one stop shop, but you are, you're bisexual or pansexual or you just like sexual variety. Like having it be sort of in a triad in your, like in your household or just sort of like everybody's hanging out together all the time. Even if you don't all live together. Again, that can just be really nice. And if you really like, like a more committed sort of stable ish relational framework, it can be nice And I say stable ish because there's ways in which triads can also be challenging, which we'll get to. But specifically dating as a couple is also different than just being in a triad. 'cause You can be in a triad and not date as a couple. And in fact a lot of people when they talk about dating as a couple, they say don't date as a couple. If you wanna be in a triad, cool. But let each of those diad relationships develop organically and well. That's what I did for sure. And, and that definitely has been nice. But I've also, I've met people who date as a couple and they're not horrible about it. I wanna say that again. I've met people who date as a couple and it's not horrible. It's not horrible.
And again, there's reasons why people who are in the third position might really like to date a couple. For example, it's like I said, it can be fun to be the new person actually, even though that's also like a less empowered position in some ways it's also a more empowered position in other ways. 'cause You're the shiny new person. You're the thing that is bringing new energy, new excitement, new life. And if that's something you like, get off on, it can be super fun. If you like being the guest star. And as I say, it's efficient, you know, if you really want to date multiple people but you don't have a lot of time, one stop shop, you get two, two for one , two for one location or whatever. Also, if you're a person who knows, I actually don't wanna get sucked into too much of an entangled situation, dating a couple can be a really great way to do that.
'Cause You know that hey, they're not necessarily looking to have you be there next everything. They may not even want to live with you and, and mesh with you, although they might. So it might like really work for your life and your time. Another thing that I, this, this feels a little controversial to say, especially because I think it it doesn't often work out this way, is that when you're dating a couple, you have an intimacy with not just these two people but also their relationship. And there's something really intimate about that I think. And sometimes if that relationship is really stable and strong, you can kind of benefit from that stability if you don't have a lot of sort of internal stability, like it's like some of the work and the skills have already been done for you. The tricky part about that is that that does create a power dynamic. And if you're not aware of that power dynamic, it can cause some problems. But I guess I just wanna name that like there are ways in which this can be great for everybody.
Here's some not good reasons to do this though that are common. So listen up and truly, if I'm naming something that you've been thinking about, if you're a couple and you've been thinking about dating someone together please raise your hand if these are the thing. These are some of the reasons why you might wanna do this. So first of all, just might feel safer to you if you're both dating the same person. Like you might feel like you have more control. You might feel like if this person doesn't work out, you can both agree to break up with them 'cause you're not acting autonomously. You might feel like you can enact more rules to protect your relationship if it's just one person. So all of that kind of in one bucket, if you think that that it's safer or there's a way to control it, or if it's a way to maintain like a one penis policy or something like that, if it's a way to control how many people your partner's seeing or what gender your partner's seeing, anything like that, it's not a good reason.
And again, the reason why is because you're bringing in a human with their own feelings, desires, baggage, needs, wants. And also you too, your couple are two different people and you're gonna have a different relationship with that person, each of you as individuals. So and that, and that just can't be controlled. Now can you make agreements? Can you set expectations? Sure. I actually think that's a good idea, but you can't control it and it's not safer. In fact, there are a lot of ways in which it's less safe and we'll get to those. Another reason is just if you like, have this sexual fantasy or some kind of like vision, some kind of preset vision that you want to enact. And the reason again, you're bringing in a human relationships are organic creatures. Like, it's not that you don't get to set expectations and hopes and desires, but if you have like the one way that it's supposed to be and you're gonna try to jam that person in there, your power dynamic can kind of pressure them.
And they might try, but it'll just, it could be really painful and objectifying for that third person. Another reason not to do this, I feel like this should be obvious, but it's amazingly not, is don't do it. If you're trying to solve a sexual issue or a domestic labor issue, like if one of the problems you're having is that you, you don't actually wanna have sex with your partner and you want someone else to do that for you. Or if you are needing more help with your domestic labor, you know, there's a lot of this, a lot of these jokes of like monogamy in this econo we need another income in our house, da da da. I mean, again, nothing wrong with wanting additional adults in your house. As I say, it's great, but trying to draw someone into your existing relational dynamic to solve that problem, just it's a little exploitative, maybe a lot exploitative.
Again, this is a person and they may or may not wanna live with you. They may or may not be available to share finances with you in the way that you might like. And I hate the way that we tie romantic relationships to all of these other things like domestic labor and sex when like they don't actually all have to go together and they may not. And all of these relationships need to develop organically rather than this like objectifying, like I just need another income in my household kind of thing. Like if you need another income in the household, find a roommate, get a friend to move in with you. You don't have to have sex and have a romantic relationship to share rent. Okay? Last thing I'll say is if you think that it's gonna solve the problem of jealousy and because the person is just gonna love you equally or they're gonna love you both.
And so you won't have to feel jealous. I get that. I get why you think that because obviously if you know, there is the other problem. If you're dating separately, if one of you is having more dating success than the other one or the relationships are just developing at different rates then it can be hard not to feel jealous if your partner's going on lots of dates and you're not. However, expecting someone to love you the same when that's not actually realistic because relationships are their own organic creations. Again, it just puts this tremendous pressure on this third person to behave in ways that may not be authentic to them. And I would never in a million years want someone to feel like they have to be in a relationship with me in order to have access to someone else that I'm in a relationship with and that they have to perform a certain amount of sexual, romantic and interest in me in order to access that with someone else.
That just seems really messed up. And oh, and then the last thing that my podcast editor Finn said that I should add to this list is don't try to date as a couple. If it's someone's birthday and you just wanna, like, if you just wanna give them some cool sexy treat by bringing in a third person, and that's really just 'cause you're not gonna know what you're doing. And again, it's just objectifying. If you do wanna do something like that, I've got a great idea. Hire a sex worker. They're great at that. In fact, they know how to show everybody a really great time and they don't care if they don't see you again after that. Although if you become a repeat customer, that's great too, but like, it's a job. So it's a different ball game. So hire a sex worker and, you know, sex workers are often something that is suggested when people are talking about the things that are making them want to pursue a dating a third as a couple. Because a lot of the things that I'm listing here apart from the money thing are things that a sex worker can do. Great. And again, you're, you're hiring a professional to help you with a problem or offer you some kind of fulfillment of some kind of fantasy, that's great. And then you're not creating, you're creating some clear boundaries and some clear expectations and you do get to set the terms because that person is someone you're hiring versus someone who might be there for their own reasons.
So as you can see, like if some of these things that I'm suggesting are not good reasons to do this or things that are coming up for you, that's okay, that's how you're feeling. Just, just this is a time to pause and consider whether this is a good move for you and what you might need to shift. And then you might shift some of these things and you might still want to date as a couple. So if you did want to date as a couple, how could this go? Well, well first of all, again, I just wanna say consider a sex worker. Like really consider this . It might be a good experience. It might like I really want people to consider this. And also a sex worker might open your eyes to a lot of stuff in your relationship in a way that, again, doesn't exploit someone else, make someone else disposable, or potentially just take a giant wrecking ball to your existing relationship.
Speaking of which, we'll go to the next thing. You can hire that kind of professional. Another type of professional you might wanna hire if you're considering dating as a couple is hire a coach or a couple's therapist or an individual therapist or all of the above. Now why would you wanna do that? Because sometimes when you're dating as a couple, you are picturing your relationship is very loving and stable, but you don't really realize that it's not that some of the things that feel stable are actually built on rigidity or built on assumptions that you haven't really examined. And so you, you, your your relationship actually can't tolerate the instability or disruption that could come from having an additional person inside your relationship and or you're just not stable enough to give the support and the care that you would need to be able to give to an incoming partner.
Or you haven't, you're not aware enough of the power dynamics within your own relationship to be able to understand the power dynamics that exist when you're bringing in a third person and you're in existing relationship. And if you haven't looked at any of that stuff and you don't know where to start, having a professional help you with that can be super, super supportive. And then you're not having to figure it out on the job, so to speak. You get to kind of figure it out and maybe unpack some of your couple's privilege, maybe unpack some of your mono normativity, maybe unpack some of your phobia, if you have any of that. Maybe, you know, unpack the patriarchy or or just unpack like some of the ways in which your relationship is set up so that you understand it. It's sort of like, you know, if you were gonna buy a house or if you were gonna make a major renovation to a house, you might hire an inspector to kind of walk through the house and just check and see how is the structure, how are all of the systems that are running in the house, how's it all going?
Can we make sure that it's in a good place so that it can handle this big shift before we come in and just, you know, build an addition onto it. . So I just, I really wanna recommend that because honestly sometimes the disruption that can come from bringing up a new a new person into your relationship can kick up a whole bunch of just unaddressed under the surface stuff in an existing relationship. And it can be reactivating to trauma, it can, you know, amplify some really harmful patterns that are existing in your relationship and, you know, can create some really harmful dynamics and, and that nobody wants, like nobody's intending . So if you come into it with your eyes wide open with a lot of awareness, you can avoid a lot of that. And I mean, I'm not just saying that because I am a relationship coach, I really wanna be clear.
Like I just, I just think it's a really good idea. So then another thing to do is just make sure you're examining your reasons and then examine them again and think about what you're really looking for and then also think about what would really make this not work for you. Like if, think about maybe some scenarios in which dating is a couple and you have a third person that you're dating where that really goes sideways and it's not what you want and it, it, it actively is, is you know, something you'd wanna move away from or end. It really can help to just like imagine like, where are my limits of what I could do or where this could go and where are the things that I would be like chill if this happened. And then talk about that with your partner because what you might be really chill with and what they might be really chill with might be really, really different.
And if you haven't discussed it, you might just be assuming you're on the same page. A next thing is understand that humans are humans. They're complicated. They say one thing, they do another, they aren't necessarily aware of themselves, they change their minds and things happen that are unexpected. I wanna say that again. Things happen that are unexpected with humans. We don't always know how we're gonna feel about a situation until we're in it. So even though I recommend getting like some support before you step into it, I would still be prepared for your expectations to shift and for what you think you're gonna like to shift. Like be prepared for that. And also be prepared that your relationship, the relationship that you have to this other person and the relationship your partner has to this other person will evolve. They will go through expansions, contractions, moments of intensity, moments of calm moments of even disconnection.
And if you're really going for something for the long haul, that's definitely something you need to be prepared for. Just to give you an example, there's a period of time where Kyrr and I, so we've been together for eight years. There's a period of time where we were spending a lot of time together. We were really close then some stuff happened in our relationship and we needed more distance all throughout that time. My partner, my husband, my spouse was dating them and there was a period of time where I needed more distance from them and I didn't want that to negatively impact the relationship that my other partner had with them. But, you know, we lived together. And so I also needed some kind of like sense of like when I was gonna see them and when I wasn't. So that I had some control over the space that I needed.
And like we had to handle that really carefully and really tenderly. And also I didn't ever want them to feel like if I broke up with them or if things didn't work out with them that they would have to break up with my husband or that my husband would break up with them or you know, vice versa. If like they were having a difficulty, I wouldn't want them to either of them to feel like that that would impact my relationship with either of them. But like that distance was, was uncomfortable, you know? And at the same time it was really, it was really important for us to be able to continue our relationship and, and actually now we're in kind of a period where we're taking a little bit more space with each other and I think that's going fine because we've done it before And, and there are times when, you know, things have been tense between me and my husband.
There have been times when things have been tense between the two of them. And like to go to my next thing of like how to do this well is I would recommend doing a lot of deep learning about boundaries, doing a lot of deep learning about how to stay out of other people's business even when they're close to you, even when they're someone that you love. Because when you're, when you're in a three person relationship, triangulation can happen really easily if you're not careful. It's so easy to get invested in how a relationship that isn't yours is going and want to support it. And at the same time, it's really good to err on the side of like offering support to the individual person rather than offering support with some kind of agenda for the relationship itself. And it's so hard to walk that fine line.
And yet I just wanna give my husband especially like mad props for being able to do that 'cause he does it exceptionally well. And sometimes when it's hard . So if you have no sense of of boundaries, you have no sense of like pausing and deciding whether or not to put your 2 cents into a situation or pausing and considering whether something's really your business. I would do some work around that because when you're in a three-way relationship, even a triad that is developed on its own like ours, not having a sense of where thing where you belong and where you don't can really cause things to go sideways. Another thing here, just kind of in this same vein is that longevity doesn't indicate success. And we say this all the time in polyamory and it's so important that like we really take this to heart.
Like just because a relationship didn't last doesn't mean it didn't work out, doesn't mean it was a failure, it was a failure if it was really painful and horrible and explosive and terrible. But sometimes, like you might, one relationship might kind of wither another relationship might stick around and thrive. And so then the triad breaks apart because, and becomes a V or sometimes like there really is just a three-way dynamic that's really powerful and it only really works if that three-way dynamic is there and maybe that three di three-way dynamic doesn't continue to work and then the dyads just aren't able to hold the relationship together. And so it falls apart. Maybe that's something that you, that that's okay that's worth making peace with. And speaking of that, I think it is just again to reiterate this really, really important to talk about this from the beginning of the relationship and not just between you and your existing partner if you're dating as a couple, talk about ways that you can leave the relationship between the three of you and talk about how if one of you wants to opt out of partnership with one of the other people there, how to protect and support other people in having self-determination about how they want to relate to the other people in that three-way dynamic, I think it really needs to be okay for one person to leave one dyad without other people feeling like they have to leave their other dyads.
Especially because like we just have to be with this reality. We rely on relationships for support making our way through life. So if we aren't honoring that and, and like then again it can put a lot of pressure on maintaining a relationship even when it's not working, just so that you can have this other relationship that is really supportive to you.
And, and I just think that's unnecessary pain. . Another thing, and I've already said this before to do this well, I think you have to talk about couples privilege and understand, understand it really, really well. Because if you are dating as a couple and you have a previously established dynamic, doesn't even matter how long it's been lasting 'cause it's always gonna be lasting longer than the new relationship. So you need to understand that you can't not have more power in this situation. And so it's really important to be honest with yourself and honest with that third person about that power dynamic and understand that with that power as uncle Ben says comes great responsibility, responsibility to go out of your way to support that third person. And you know, I just wanna name here that not only is that like a thing you need to be aware of, you need to check and make sure that you actually have the capacity for it.
Because if you're like this power couple and you've got a lot of things going on and you're really over leveraged, you don't have a lot of time for difficult conversations, you don't have a lot of time to really look inside and reflect. You don't have the ability or the capacity to rearrange how you do things like around all kinds of like lifestyle choices that you've made with your existing partner that are working really well, but they might need to change to accommodate this third person. If you don't have any capacity for that, please don't date a third person and, and invite them into your relationship because you really are basically saying, okay, come on in. But good luck. We're not gonna help you at all. It's really important to be able to have the ability to be flexible with a, a new person to be able to shift based on their needs, desires, preferences have room to accommodate them because their needs and their way of being may be really different from what the two of you have worked out with each other over years and years.
And an example of this that I'll just share is this came up with a client of mine who is dating a couple and the couple, like they, when they travel together, they have like a real established routine of how they like to travel together. and it's just, they, it's to the point where they just don't even think about it and they're just in lockstep with each other. And then they wanted to go on a trip with the third person that they're dating. And this person was like, I have travel anxiety. I don't wanna sit alone on a plane. I wanna make sure that we get there with enough time to really just like sit at the gate for like an hour. Like that is how I feel comfortable and it's so uncomfortable to have to constantly be your own advocate.
And, and, and at the same time, I do recommend if you are a third entering an existing dynamic. Like it's useful to be prepared to be your own advocate. I do think that that's important, but I think that also if again, if, if you have all the power or a lot of the power in a situation, it's also on you to check, like, to really look and see are there places where I need to accommodate this person and what they need and really give a lot of room for them to be able to advocate for themselves. 'cause It can feel really uncomfortable to constantly be tapping on someone's shoulder, being like, Hey, I need this to be different, or Hey, could we do it this way? Or, Hey, could you make a little room for me here? That can be exhausting. You know, it's, it's like the difference between saying, Hey, come on in, make yourself at home and hey, come on in.
By the way, here's where the bathroom is. And by the way, do you need anything? Can I pick up anything for you at the store to make you feel at home? By the way, you know, here's, here's what you need to take a shower and here's the shower and here's how it works. And you know, like really walking them through what it's like to be in your home. And then ask them for ways in which it needs to be different to help them feel better there. Okay? I really want you to get this with great power comes great responsibility. And that's especially true with couples privilege. And if you're just oblivious to your power, it's gonna hurt people. It's just, I don't make the rules, it's just how it is. If you're oblivious to your power then and you don't use it properly, it's neglectful and you're, you're probably gonna hurt people and you won't even be meaning to and it won't be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Okay? Another thing that's really important if you wanna date as a couple is make sure again, that you have talked about what you want, what your dream scenario is. Because again, sometimes what, what it means to date as a couple is you have a fun, sexy friend who plays with you and your partner. And that can be really great. And there are people who like that as their freaking jam. They just love to go be a guest star with a couple. But it's important to understand like that's very different than looking for like a person to come live with you and raise kids with you and have this beautiful, sexy three-way dream playing house together life. And it's so important to be clear. Do you want to be on like sort of an escalatory type path together or are you wanting like fun, sexy friends who just like to fuck both of you.
It's just very, very different. And it's important that you're clear and that the person who's incoming is clear about what they want and that you've talked about it with each other. And also be prepared for that to change because relationships do their own evolving. And sometimes you start out, you know, I mean Dan Savage talks about this, you know, his, his husband started out as a one night stand that just never left. So be prepared to, for that, to change and allow each relationship, each dyad to move at its own pace, be really mindful that comparison is the thief of joy. And lastly, if you wanna date as a couple, the most important thing I think is to go slow. People hate when I say this , but I think escalating too quickly can cause you to ignore blind spots, ignore red flags, ignore when there is a mismatch, and it can be coercive to the slowest mover and it can force things that shouldn't be forced and people end up rushing and creating a sense of urgency when there doesn't need to be that sometimes when you meet somebody new, it can be so exciting and you just want all the things.
And I totally respect that. My experience has been the faster something escalates, the faster it implodes, . And when you build something slowly and allow things to really blossom and be willing to let things expand contract and breathe and allow the balance between catching fire and a slow burn and be watchful for when you're people pleasing or when you're ignoring yourself, ah, you get something that is more lasting, more secure, stronger and integrated, I would say, into all of the parts of each of you.
So to sum up, I don't think there's anything wrong with dating as a couple. If you have done all of the work, a lot of people haven't done all the work and there's a lot of work to do. And of course you're not gonna do it all perfectly, even if you do think you're doing all the work but definitely don't go in just thinking it's gonna work out great because you have this great relationship and you're gonna find the most perfect person ever to just join it and add to it. Humans are more complicated than that. You are all more complicated than that. And dating as a couple can be fun. Triads can be great. There are tons of people out there who like dating couples who wanna be a unicorn. So don't be afraid of all the naysayers. Just do your work. Just do your work.
That's it. And don't do it alone. relationships are meant to exist in a context with other people. But I believe that if you do go in with not just good intentions, but with a lot of care and a lot of self examination, both self as in yourself and self as in the couple, I think you can make something really beautiful. I'm gonna leave it there and brace myself for all of the people who are gonna tell me I'm wrong, , and I wanna hear from you. What do you think? Are you in a three-way relationship? Have you dated a couple? Have you dated as a couple? And had it go well? Do you think you can do it? I'd love to hear from you.
