Asking Needs To Be Okay
There are times in our relationships when we really need something from our partners.
Transcript
The request in my view, isn't the problem. I think it's not controlling to ask for something that you want to make yourself feel more comfortable. And I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something for someone, if you want to be loving towards them and make them more comfortable, that part of being in relationship with each other, being considerate with each other, even if the thing they're asking for is inconvenient for you. Sometimes we make decisions to accommodate people that we care about so that we can meet them where we're at.
Today, I want to talk to you about what it is okay to ask for from your partners. And I'm gonna start out by confessing to you that this episode is inspired by some videos that I watched by two different poly creators on TikTok. And I just have to tell you, TikTok is full of so much gold right now and also a lot of crap as well for what it's worth, but I'm really quite obsessed with TikTok and it's really wonderful. And if you haven't checked it out well maybe you should save yourself and not because it can be a real time suck, but oof, there's such good stuff. I have to contain myself. But anyway, I was, I was running across a TikTok video that had gotten some, made your criticism by a creator that I follow. And I wanna share it with you because I think it, it brings up something that comes up a lot actually in polyamory.
And even though this creator, I think doesn't do a good job of illustrating what you should do about this situation. I think it's still sparks some good conversation. And again, it's fuel for this episode. So the creator was talking about how important it is to drop into your body and get really grounded and really listen to yourself when making decisions about what's okay and not okay for you and what you might need to ask for in your relationship. And the example that the creator gave was she was painting this fictitious couple who are nested John and Jasmine. And John has a potential new partner named Samantha, who is a longtime friend of both of theirs. And he, I guess maybe they've been dating for a little bit and they've decided that they wanna have sex. And so John goes to Jasmine and says, Hey, Jasmine, I'm thinking about having sex with Samantha.
What do you think? And so she gave two examples of how Jasmine could respond. And in the first example, Jasmine leads from her head and she thinks, well Samantha's a trusted person. I feel okay with her. I trust John. I trust Samantha. This all feels good. I'm gonna say no problem. That's fine. And the creator saying that, you know, she was leading with her head and that, that wasn't so good because then John did proceed to sleep with Samantha. And then he came home and all of a sudden, Jasmine has all these unexpected feelings. And John is really upset because Jasmine's upset. And he's like, well, why did you tell me it was okay if you're all upset? And so she's like, Hey, don't do it this way, says the creator do it it this way. And then she offers this alternative, which is okay.
John says, Hey, Jasmine, what do you think? About me sleeping with Samantha and Jasmine then says, well, let me, let me take a minute and like, feel into that. And so then she drops into her body, really feels into her body checks in with her emotions. And when she drops into her body and checks in with her emotions, she does discover some discomfort. And so she brings us up to John and says, actually, John, I'm realizing that I'm not totally comfortable with this and I don't feel ready. And so I'm wondering if you could just hold off on having sex with Samantha until after our anniversary, because that's coming up and I would just feel better if you waited until then. And then John agrees and goes and reschedules with Samantha. And this was an example of how to do it well. And I'm sure you can imagine you might even be sort of cringing that this was advice that someone would give.
But there was another creator, again, that I follow who was just appalled that this was advice that anybody who was claiming to be an expert in polyamory would, would give, and really just said that they thought that Jasmine was so controlling and that this was so toxic. And that this was a perfect example of how harmful couple's privileges and possibly even this was abusive. Now let me be clear. I don't think this was a great example of how to do polyamory correctly. However, I also don't think that there was actually anything wrong with Jasmine asking for what she asked for. I don't think that that request is inherently controlling. I do think there are definitely problems with this scenario and I do wanna go over what I see that they are, my biggest issues with this scenario are, one that John was even asking for permission or put from Jasmine to determine whether or not he should sleep with Samantha.
That was kind of a problem for me. Two. It sounds like John didn't feel like he could say no to Jasmine. And three, when he in the first scenario did sleep with Samantha and Jasmine had a bad reaction. John took that as a sign that he did something wrong. These are the real problems that I see. John clearly can't do something that he wants to do. If Jasmine might have any kind of discomfort or problem with it. And for some reason he doesn't feel like he can say no to her. Those are the problems, the request. In my view, you isn't the problem. I think it's not controlling to ask for something that you want to make yourself feel more comfortable. And I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something for someone. If you want to be loving towards them and make them more comfortable.
That's part of being in relationship with each other, being considerate with each other. Even if the thing they're asking for is inconvenient for you. Sometimes we make decisions to accommodate people that we care about so that we can meet them where we're at. But if we are going to ask for something like that, it is important that no is an acceptable answer and that we are capable of dealing with the disappointment or other feelings that we may have, if we do receive a no, if a no, isn't okay, that's where there's a problem. Because then it's not really a request. It's a demand. And if you think you can freely place demands on the decisions that people make about out their other relationships, or if you take requests about what you do in other relationships, from your established partner as demands, then that is a problem.
That's a power dynamic problem. But again, the request isn't the problem. The other dynamics within the relationship are a problem. And you know, if you feel like you can't say no to your partner, yeah. Maybe that is a situation where there is too much control or possibly abuse, but it also may be that your partner just doesn't have good emotional regulation. And so when you say no to them, they get upset. Maybe they react in ways that are hurtful to you because they don't know how to process their disappointment. And maybe they lash out or they withdraw or they shut down. And that makes you really hesitant or maybe even afraid to say no to them. But also it might be that you just have a hard time, disappointing people, even if they can manage their emotions. If you love them, you feel like it's your job to always make them happy and never make them uncomfortable.
And if you do something that does make them uncomfortable, then you're bad and wrong. And that is just actually poor boundaries. Or it also might a that you just grew up in a culture or a family where people just don't say no to each other. And so you really only ever make requests if you really, really need them to be a yes or you may be just overly accommodating and again, have poor boundaries and an inability to stick up for yourself. And again, that's not necessarily about the other person and what they're doing. It might be something more internal to you and your feelings of self worth and value. And maybe a fear of, you know, losing the relationship. If you even risk disappointing the other person, or you may be stuck in black and white think and believe that if you say no to a particular request from your partner, that that basically means, fuck you, I'm gonna do what I want.
And that you're also saying no to anything else your partner might want, or you're saying no, also to caring for the feelings that they may have around their disappointment or the feelings that they may have that are driving the request that they're making, rather than the no being just a beginning of a negotiation and an opportunity to understand each other better and maybe figure out what will work for both people. Or you may think that if you say no to something, one partner is asking for, because of something you want with another partner, that means you're choosing one partner over the other. And so you don't wanna be disloyal, or you wanna be clear about where your loyalty lies. And so you feel like you can only ever say no to the partner that isn't as high a priority instead of choosing what you want for yourself based on what's important to you.
And this is actually probably where couple's privilege can come into play. If you have a long time established partner, you may feel more pressure to show your loyalty to them by saying yes to them more often, you may feel more pressure to keep them happy or not cause them discomfort or otherwise not rock the boat with them. And you may feel more incentivized therefore to accommodate them at the expense of other partners and not the other way around. And I will be honest. I really don't love that. I am. I'm actually like not against certain kinds of hierarchy, because I think that hierarchy is sometimes just unavoidable. But I do think it's per problematic to automatically prioritize someone else's feelings and needs over another person's cuz to me, that's not just like prioritizing and like, you know, hierarchy. It's basically saying that one person is more worthy and more important and more valuable than the other one.
And I just, I can't get behind that because I really believe in my core that everyone matters and everyone that you love really all matter the same. And so you just automatically always prioritizing someone else's feelings seems devaluing if someone else's humanity. And I just, I don't like that. I also think that not being able to say no to something your primary or nested or more established partner wants is also not good for the relationship in general, because if your partner feels like they can't say no to you, then you may be afraid to ask for things because you don't feel like you can actually trust that when they say yes that they mean it. You may instead fear that they're gonna only say yes to you because they feel like they have to, or because they're afraid of you and that's gonna make them feel controlled, whether or not you even want that.
And so they might say yes to you, but they might get mad and resentful about it afterwards that you made them do something that they didn't wanna do when really all you were doing was just asking also if they can't be with your unhappy feelings, when they do say no, they then that gives you no room to have unhappy feelings in general. If you feel like that, that's like that, you know, let's say that you, you say yes to them or they say yes to you. And then you still have unhappy feelings because something happened that you wished hadn't. But if they're trying to please you, and the only evidence that they're doing things right, is you are pleased then when you're not pleased, they're bad or you're wrong for feeling that way, then that's, that's a problem. The other issues that I have with the scenario are John's clear, inability to feel okay with his choices, if Jasmine has difficult feelings about it.
I already mentioned that, but I think it's also not cool that he kind of blames her for not being more upfront about what she might feel when she says yes to something and then gets upset. You know, the, and, and that's a problem because like, honestly, that kind of thing happens all the time. Like we all the time might say yes to something that we think we're gonna be okay with and then we're not. And that doesn't mean that anybody did anything wrong. It just means something happened that we didn't expect and feelings are there. And now we just deal with 'em. And also it really makes me itchy whenever I get the sense that someone is asking for permission from their partner to do something with another partner, because that really kind of speaks to a, of like ownership or at the very least kind of a massive power imbalance in the relationship.
And I honestly think those kind of things will really bite people in the butt in general, just throughout any kind of polyamorous experience. So, those are the problems that I see, not the request. So what I wanna do now is actually tell you how I would do it differently with John and Jasmine and Samantha while also keeping the request that Jasmine made in there. Okay. So in my scenario, John would, of course, first of all, not be asking for permission to sleep with Samantha. Here's how it might go. He would say something like, you know, Hey Jasmine, I wanted to loop you into some developments in my, you know, new burgeoning relationship with Samantha. You know, we've been on a few dates and I just want you to know that the texting has been getting a little bit, you know, hot and heavy, and I'm getting the sense that we're probably gonna sleep together on our next date.
And I wanted to let you know that that's in the air and give you a chance to tell me how that makes you feel. In part, because I know that you wanted to have a chance to tell me that. And, and I know that you like to have a heads up about any, anything new that's coming down the pike in my relationships. So I wanted to give you room to tell me what you're feeling. And then Jasmine does the thing where she drops into her body and she feels into what that might feel like for John to sleep with Samantha. And she notices some discomfort there. And so she might say again, kind of the same thing she said I before, which is John, I'm noticing that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about you sleeping with Samantha. And I'm wondering, you know, if you'd be willing to wait until after our anniversary, here's the opportunity, John, the opportunity is you can now drop into your body and see how that might feel for you.
And, and hopefully John and Jasmine have a functioning relationship where John feels like if his answer to that is no, then he can say that. And that's not an end point of the conversation. The two of them can still talk about it and maybe get to the bottom of why Jasmine feels uncomfortable. Or maybe he's a yes, maybe, you know, maybe he's not sure about, you know, the sex with Samantha being like something he wants to do right away. And maybe if Jasmine's feeling uncomfortable, he takes that as a sign that maybe he needs to think a little bit more about how quickly he's escalating this relationship, because the truth is sometimes our partners, when they have a IY sense about a discomfort that they're having about us with another partner, there's a, a real reason for it. Like maybe, you know, there's something in John's past and, and escalating too quickly with a partner.
And then him kind of getting super flooded in an NRE and then him forgetting about Jasmine. I mean, who knows why she's making that request? It might, there might be some valid reason. So ideally John would drop into his body and figure out whether he's a yes or a no. And then he would tell Jasmine, Hey, you know, I've thought about that request. And here's my answer. In this case, let's pretend he's a no, let's pretend he says like, no, Jasmine, I really feel like we're ready. And also, you know, I'm actually not gonna see Samantha after this date for another few weeks. And we've really just been building up to this. And, you know, I can't even guarantee that sex is gonna happen because I don't know, but we feel like we're ready and it feels on the table. And I, I don't want to decide not to do it just because you're uncomfortable, but I'm so open to hearing more about what, what it is that's making. You want us to wait and I'm open to, you know, seeing what else I could do to make you feel cared for by me and understood et cetera.
That's how it could go, nothing wrong with Jasmine's request. Maybe she's feeling vulnerable. Maybe she's feeling scared. It's totally okay to ask for that. And if John's a no, he needs to be a no, and he needs to honor and respect his relationship, but Samantha and the agreements and commitments that they've there, they've made there. And that is not Jasmine's job. Jasmine's job is to look out for Jasmine and, you know, and look out for her relationship with John. But, you know, she gets to ask for what she wants to ask for. That's what I think you can disagree with me. But I do think that when you have a functioning, empowered, balanced relationship, where people have healthy boundaries with each other requests, even whackadoodle ones are allowed. And again, sometimes the answer might be yes, sometimes the answer might be no. So to sum up, I just wanna say my point in doing this episode is to tell you if you're wondering what you can ask for maybe the question isn't what you can ask for, but instead, what is the dynamic in your relationship around requests? How are they received? How are nos received? How much do you trust the other person's yes. And how much can you be with each other's difficult feelings when a request is made, or when there is a conflicting set of needs between the two of you. That's the real question to investigate. And I think when you get to the bottom of that, that's where real opportunity for greater understanding and greater connection, greater freedom, and all the wonderful juicy stuff in polyamory is really available to you.
