Agreements Are Great
Libby talks about why she likes agreements, what purpose they serve in relationships, and some things to watch out for when making them with your partner(s).
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Transcript
On this episode of Making Polyamory Work, we're going to talk about agreements. And I gotta tell you, I, I can't believe I actually have had a polyamory-related podcast for nearly three years, and I haven't done an episode on agreements. Like, what, what am I thinking here? You know, I did do an episode on how I think a rule is just a shitty agreement. And,if you haven't listened to that episode, I do recommend it. It was a very enjoyable episode for me to create and get a feeling that was with me kind of off my chest. But I really do think that, agreements deserves its own separate episodes. So I'm really excited to be offering this today. And real quick off the bat, I wanna go ahead and come out to all of you and say that I am very much pro agreement.
Now, why am I saying this? Because I have heard a lot of arguments over the years within the polyamory thought leadership-o-sphere that agreements are controlling that you shouldn't have agreements with your partners, that you should just have boundaries that, and I've seen people post this in like, you know, polyamory Facebook groups. They're like, me and my partner don't have agreements. I just set boundaries and they set their boundaries and we direct each other's boundaries. And that's just how it works. And I mean, if that works for you, please don't take this episode as a symbol that you should have agreements. You know, I'm not really a fan of shoulds, but, but I will just say very clearly, I am pro agreement. I have agreements with pretty much everyone in my life. I have agreements with myself, I have agreements with my clients, I have agreements with my children, I have agreements with my partners and my family members with people that I work with.
I think agreements are a really important part of a functioning relationship and really, honestly, a functioning society. So that's how I feel. But what, what do I mean? What is an agreement and what am I trying to talk about here? Because there's a lot of different definitions of agreement, and I'm actually, I've got like Miriam Webster pulled up right now. And so let's, let's read about what agreements really are. So the first definition is a harmony of opinion, action, or character, a concord, there's widespread agreement on this issue. Or it is the act of agreeing, like she nodded her head in agreement, Okay? That is not what I'm talking about when I'm talking about agreements. I am instead talking about the second definition of agreements on this dictionary page here, which is an arrangement as to a course of action or a compact or a treaty.
So we reach an agreement as to how to achieve our goal. Now, when I'm talking about agreements it's important to note that I am not talking about like in a legal sense. And you know, I'll get into this a little bit later, but I, I don't think we wanna treat agreements as though they are like laws, okay? But I do think that what it is, that it is a mutually agreed upon course of action. So the purpose in my mind of an agreement is to set expectations to let people know what you can as best you can what you can expect from me and what I can expect from you. And an agreement can be between two people. An agreement can be between more than two people, but one of the most important parts of an agreement is that it is explicit.
So you know, I might say to my partner, Hey, having olives in the fridge all the time is really important to me. And so I'm wondering if we can make an agreement that anytime either of us notices that we're running low on olives, someone will buy some at the store. Do you agree with that? Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. There you have an agreement. Now that's what's known as a verbal agreement. And you, and you can also have written agreements too. I actually do know people who have like documents that they've written out of their agreements with their partners. I also know that there are written agreements that kink partners make with each other. They make full-on contracts with each other. And I think all of that is, is really great. Now, why do I think it's good to write down an agreement sometimes?
Well, just so you can remember it, and I'll get to that, I'll get to that later. But I do think that, you know, writing down an agreement should only be so that you can remember it and go back to it and edit it, not so you can point to it and legislate it. But now I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay? So let me give you a couple of examples of what an agreement can be. An agreement can be like, you know, you say, Hey, here's something that I would like, and then are you up for that? Or do you wanna do that? Or are you willing to do that? And the other person says, Yes, I would be willing to do the thing that creates an agreement. So that would be, I'm making a request, the person says yes to the request, and then there's an agreement first kind.
There's another kind of agreement that can be made when you make a commitment. Like, so when I say, Hey, I will do this thing, and then I say, Yes, I would love for you to do that thing. And now I am counting on you to do that thing there you have made an agreement and if you're gonna change your commitment, you should let the other person know. Agreements can also happen when people are agreeing to a limit. So, you know, I might say, Hey, I'd like you not to do this thing. And the other person might say, Yes, I agree not to do that thing, and therefore then you have an agreement. And agreements can be anything. Like it can be, I agree not to use your towel after I shower. I agree to use my towel. Or you could agree, I agree, I won't tickle you because I have heard that you don't like that.
Or you can agree. I promise that I will be home before when I am on week nights when I am out on a date. Or it can be, I promise that when I am topping you, I will never use degrading language. I will only ever tell you when you are being a very good girl, or I agree that if I am the one to use the last of the toilet paper, then it is my responsibility to replace the roll. And by replace the roll, I mean remove the cardboard tube from the toilet paper holder and put the fresh toilet paper roll on the toilet paper holder, not put the fresh toilet paper roll on top of the empty cardboard tube still on the toilet paper holder.
So things that are not an agreement, one thing, because I think it's important that there are a lot of things that people might think they're doing that is an agreement that actually aren't. So the first thing that's not an agreement is consideration. Consideration is an agreement. And like, I love consideration, and in fact, when I reflect on my relationships, a lot of what makes them work is not actually agreements but consideration. Like one of my partners really doesn't like any kind of calorie talk when it comes to food. Now they haven't asked me for an agreement around that, but I have just kind of heard that they say that doesn't feel good and so I don't do it, or I try really hard not to. Another partner of mine really struggles to remain in a conversation if people talk over him. And you know, again, we don't have an agreement not to do that. We just all try hard not to do that.
And I find red peppers vile and disgusting, and I don't have an agreement with my partners that they not put red peppers in the food that they cook for me, but like, if they want me to eat the food, they don't put red peppers in it. If they want me to feel loved, they probably won't offer me like roasted red pepper hummus for a treat. You know, it's just not gonna do it for me. So all of that's consideration, but like there's not an agreement that we're gonna do the thing or not do the thing, okay? Another thing that's not an agreement is stating a preference. Now, some people think that stating some kind of preference is making an agreement, but it is not because it's unclear. For instance, me saying I don't like red peppers, I think they're disgusting. I might think that now that I've said that, that everybody understands that they shouldn't feed me red peppers. But the thing is, I might be saying that, but what I might mean is that if you give me red peppers, I won't eat them. Or if you give me a pizza, say with red peppers on it, I'm going to pick them off. Which by the way, that is absolutely not true. Like if red peppers infect everything that they touch and they're, it ruins a dish in my view. So like, really please, for the love of anyway, moving on.
But do you understand what I mean? Like stating a preference isn't an agreement because sometimes it's not totally clear what to do with that preference. Like you might just be sharing that for point of information or you might be making a request. And again, then if you make a request, it has to be agreed to before it's an agreement Anyway, moving on. So another thing that's not an agreement is a complaint. So I may complain about my towel being wet when I go to use it, but if I say, if I don't have a request around it, or if I even say something like, Ugh, it's fine, whatever, and then take a, you know, make a heavy sigh or something like that, that doesn't clearly state what the person is what I'm expecting them to do or what I would like them to do differently.
Now when I complain, I might have created an expectation that the other person accommodate my complaint, but they may not, I may just be complaining to complain and I might not have a request at all. So no complaining is not the same thing as making an agreement. Stating a desire is also not an agreement. Sometimes you might state a desire, but it's unclear whose responsibility it is to actually make sure that desire is met. I may say, I really wanna spa day for my birthday, but the request is not clear and I may be saying that I'm planning on fulfilling that desire for myself stating a boundary. This is another one that is also not an agreement. And here's why. You don't need anyone's agreement to have a boundary. You can have any boundary that you wanna have. Now you may want an agreement instead, but if you're stating something as a boundary, it's really, again, unclear if there's any expectation on the other person and whether they're expected to do anything to support that boundary or not.
Like I may say, Hey, I only wanna be at this party for two hours and after two hours I'm leaving. But does that mean I expect you to come home with me when I'm ready to leave? Does that mean that if two hours are up and I am not paying attention to the time and I've lost track that I expect you to tap me on the shoulder and say, Hey, you were expecting, you said you were gonna leave after two hours. Or am I expecting that if we're having a really nice time and I say it's time to go at two hours for me, that I'm expecting you not to push back and say, Oh no, please stay, like, et cetera. So stating a boundary, it's my responsibility to honor my boundaries. And if I have anything that I would like someone else to do, that's where I need to make a request and get an agreement.
And this is why I like agreements, is because agreements can help you around what to do with your preferences, desires, complaints, and boundaries. How would you like me to honor your preferences? How would you like to feel considered? Are you interested in me meeting your desire? And am I open to that? Do you need a change in behavior in response to a complaint? And if so, what would be the plan that works best for everyone? How can I support you in your boundary? Or do you even need me to? And what can I say that would make you feel supported? Or what do I do if I have pushback against your boundary that you are stating to me? This is where agreements can be good. Agreements can help so much with setting expectations. Clearly, they can also be really valuable to combat unspoken expectations and unspoken expectations, I wanna be clear, are rife in our relationships and also just in life in general.
And not all unspoken expectations are bad. Like some unspoken expectations are really important for a functioning society too, because they're rooted in cultural norms, things like etiquette and the social contract. Like I have an unspoken expectation that when I get in line at Starbucks, the person who comes in after me is going to get in line behind me. Now, we never made an explicit agreement about that. But society is built on these implicit understandings that we have of how we all treat each other. However, there are a lot of situations where what our expectations are are not the same as what other people's are. And that can be rooted in, you know, different norms that come from our family of origin or cultural upbringing. And they may not match another person's expectation, whether it be our partner, our friend, our family, et cetera.
Now, one place that unspoken expectations show up a lot are in monogamous relationships because there's a sort of script for what it means to be in a monogamous romantic partnership. The tricky part is that, you know, even monogamous people run into problems with that because not all the expectations are clear. And some of them are like some, some of what people are imagining they're gonna be getting from a romantic monogamous relationship are different from what other people are imagining they're getting. So when you're looking for a partner, is the expectation that we'll do everything together? When we get married, do we also merge our finances? Is that an expectation I have? What counts as cheating? Does looking at porn count as cheating? What if we watch it together? What about then does it, what counts as an emotional affair? Is the expectation that I don't have any friends of the opposite sex or of the gender that I am sexually attracted to?
Or is that okay? Like, who knows? A lot of these things don't get explicitly discussed in monogamous relationships, and then there can be a lot of confusion. But definitely if you are non, non-monogamous and so you are already going completely off the monogamy script, I think agreements can be really helpful because they help you get really explicit about what it actually means to be polyamorous or to be non-monogamous, what it means to have other partners. And so that those expectations are really clear instead of just assuming things like, Hey, if there's Ben and Jerry's in the freezer, me and my partner can eat some, even if we didn't buy it. And even if it isn't the flavor that we prefer, and it's actually my other partner's favorite flavor, we can have as much as we want. No, you need an explicit agreement around that.
Which by the way, no, you can't unless you go to the store and buy more if you eat the last bite. That's really important. But again, it's good to have an explicit agreement about that. And, you know, I I just wanna point out, to go back to my toilet paper example, I might have an implicit expectation, an unspoken expectation that of course when you use the last of the toilet paper, you replace the roll and you do the complete job. You don't just stick a role of toilet paper on top of the empty cardboard tube. But some people might not have that expectation. Some people might not, that might not be how they wanna be. Maybe they don't care at all about having the toilet paper on the toilet paper holder, and in fact, they would happily put the roll of toilet paper on the back of the toilet, you know plenty of people do that.
So if you're living with someone and you have an expectation like that, it can be really helpful to, you know, explicitly make it. So agreements can be good for creating things that are explicit and getting really clear on what the expectations are. And agreements can also be great for creating safety in uncertain moments or events. Like an example that I always like is, you know, let's say you're going to your first sex party with a partner and maybe you're feeling nervous, maybe you're feeling some anxiety about what will happen. And so one way you can create some safety around it is actually to make some agreements. Like one example of an agreement you could make is, Hey, we're just going to show up and watch this time. And we're both not going to play with others even if we're interested in that.
We're just gonna sort of get the lay of the land and then we're going to just talk about what we might wanna do the next time. Or, you know, another agreement you could make is, Hey, we're gonna go to this party and if we wanna play with someone, we're first gonna check in with each other about it just to like, let them know what's happening and what's up and give them a chance to prepare. Or you could make an agreement that if someone wants to leave, the other one will leave too, so as to make them feel supported. You can also make the agreement that, hey, we're just here for ourselves and we're totally not together on this, and you're gonna do your thing and I'm gonna do my thing and I'll leave when I'm ready and I'll stay if I want to. Like, that could also be the agreement and even that agreement, just letting the person know, Hey, here's what to expect and what not to expect, really gives them a chance to prepare and create whatever they need to feel okay in that situation.
Agreements can also be good for creating security and respect in relationships. Like for example, I agree that I will save one night a week on my calendar just for you, and I will do my best, best to keep that sacred. I agree that I won't invite anyone over to our house without giving you a heads up first. I agree to bring you leftovers when I go out to dinner with someone else. I agree. If I leave you home with the kids on Tuesday night, then you get to leave them home with me on Friday. I agree to use barriers with everyone that I have these kinds of sex with, but I agree that I won't use barriers with these people in this kind of situation, et cetera. So those are examples of just some examples of agreements you can have that I think can be really useful again, for setting expectations and creating safety and creating a sense of security and respect.
There are also a lot of not great agreements as well, and I think this is where some people get icky about agreements and have problems with them because sometimes in non-monogamous situations, especially agreements can be used for control. They can be used to protect one relationship over another relationship. And so those are, there are other ways that agreements cannot be good and I wanna go over them. So I mean, my least favorite agreement that people do in a non-monogamous sort of context is, I agree not to do X with this other person, or I agree only to do X with you. And I think those are especially tricky because if you're asking someone to make agreements about what they will or won't do with other people, you're effectively making relationship agreements about another relationship without the person that is also in that relationship present to weigh in on how that may or may not affect them.
And you know, the tricky part about that is, first of all, if, if they aren't getting the chance to agree to it, discuss it, think about how they feel about it, et cetera, they might have a desire that doesn't go along with that agreement. And then when they express that desire to find out that it's already been decided that it's off the table can maybe feel kind of crummy to them. Another problem though is that if they didn't agree to it, then when they do want something that's contrary to that agreement, they might feel totally fine just undermining that agreement, which then puts you and that other person at odds with each other in a not great way. So I don't, I don't recommend that type of agreement, but you know, actually even as I say that though, I, it's not black and white because there are times when I actually think it's not a terrible thing to make a request about what you were, especially when you're new to nonmonogamy, I guess to make a request about what your partner may or may not do with someone else.
Like an example that I can think of is one of my partners, his partner asked that he not do overnights for a period of time while we were new to our relationship and they were new to nonmonogamy. It was just, it was a new experience for her. She was really nervous about it. And so she asked that we hold off on that for a little while and I don't think I had a lot of pushback around it. I mean, I said that I definitely wanted overnights and it was something that I wanted to have available at some point, but I think it was, it was one of those things where we both knew that it would be better if it felt comfortable for that to happen. And I could tell that she was working towards that being okay because it was something she also wanted for herself in her relationships.
And so, you know, we were willing to say, well, and he was willing to say, and I was willing to say I respect that and make that agreement. And, you know, eventually, that agreement was changed so that we could have overnights. But you know, it can be useful to be try to set agreements like that to support somebody. And I mean, there was a time when one of my partners didn't want to be in the same house with me when I had another partner over and this was a house that we share. And so, you know, it was his house too. And I think, you know, me honoring that and agreeing to that and not pushing back against it and, you know, cuz it's his house, you know, and making room for him to, you know, not be there at times when my partner would be there.
And also making sure that if he was gonna be there, that I was somewhere else with my partner was I think an important part of making him feel okay and safe. And, and now it's, you know, that agreement isn't still in place and it was able to change. So I think those things are, are okay sometimes if what you're trying to do is be supportive and accommodating and caring of your partner. Another type of agreement that I don't like though is agreements when you are testing someone. So if it's, if it's like an agreement that's actually really hard to keep, but you believe that if this person keeps it, then it means that they love you or they care about you, but you care actually more about that they keep the agreement than about what the agreement really is giving you. If that makes sense.
Like an example of this would be time. So, and time, I'm gonna bring time up again cuz it's just such a good classic example of an agreement that's actually really sometimes hard to keep, like I might say to my partner, Hey, like, the way that I'm gonna feel really secure in our relationship is if you show up always exactly when you say you're gonna show up when you, when you're coming home from a date. So if you say you're gonna come home at 2:30 in the afternoon and you're home at 3:00 then you've broken our agreement and I don't feel safe now. Now I can understand wanting a time agreement if like there's some thing, some kind of commitment that you have that it's important that your partner be there for, to show up on time for, but if the, the only reason why you're having that time agreement is just for your partner to prove that they were thinking of you and that they're really on top of their schedule.
But really like if they're there 30 minutes later or 15 minutes later, if they just come home a little later in the evening, it doesn't inconvenience you in any way. It's just that you're sitting there staring at the clock. That's more of a test and I don't think it's a good agreement and I don't think it's fair to to, to hold someone to that kind of standard unless there's like a really good reason for it. Because especially on dates, like dates can be in flow and, and, and sometimes like you can lose track of time and you know, again, if I had a follow up commitment like right after a date, it would be really important that I get home on time. But otherwise my time is mine and I deserve to be squishy around it rather than rigid is, is my opinion.
Another example of a bad agreement or agreement that I don't think is good to make is agreeing to something that you aren't confident that you can actually do. Like going back to time, if I made an agreement that I would be perfectly on time to every engagement or that I would end every date exactly at a particular time, I'd probably be breaking that agreement left and right. And and in that vein, I think it's important to make sure that you don't ask your partner for an agreement if they have consistently shown you that they can't meet that. And then act as though again, they violated your trust when you asked them for something that was beyond their actual capability. And that's not the same thing as asking that someone work towards something. Like, let's say time is an issue for you and your partner really wants to get better at being on time.
You can ask them to work towards being more consistent about their time being on time, et cetera. But that's different than asking all of a sudden for them to be great at time when they never have been. And you know, where this can get really hairy is if you are what is known as a people pleaser, meaning that you can't actually be honest about what feels right to you or if, or what you're actually capable of because you worry that your partner won't like it if you tell them the truth or tell them what you're actually willing to or capable of doing. And so you lie and you agree to things that you know aren't what you really want or that don't feel authentic to you or don't feel within your capacity because you just want them to be happy. This behavior can be really huge in eroding trust because oftentimes agreeing to things just to like placate someone causes that person to feel placated and they can kind of tell that you don't mean it.
And then when you don't follow through or you follow through half-heartedly or with a bunch of resentment or you know, just not a full heart, then you're, you know, they can tell and they feel that and then it doesn't feel good. And you know, you're also by agreeing to something that isn't really something you wanna agree to, you're depriving your person of having an honest accounting of what's really available to them and then deciding if it's something they can live with and they're also not given the opportunity for a more authentic negotiation with you. And, and if they're, if you're really a no to what they want, you're not giving them the opportunity to just be disappointed and move through those feelings. And so it's really important to like really make sure that when you're thinking about an agreement that you really, that you really are in it, that it's wholehearted.
And that kind of goes to that whole, you know, rule thing. If you're agreeing to something but it's not right for you. People might treat it as a rule that like you're an adult, nobody's making you do anything you don't wanna do. Here's another thing about agreements though. And so going back to the whole like legality aspect of agreements, which I think is something, some reason why people, some polyamorous people resist agreements is that if they make an agreement and it's written down or it's kind of really clear, this is the expectation that is being set, that then if it does get broken or if it doesn't work or if it didn't work the way that it was supposed to, but then they violated and then they are bad or wrong or a rule breaker, et cetera, that part I don't love so much.
And I think the key thing is when you make an agreement, it is not a legal document. It is not your job if you are the person who asked for that agreement to be like a cop around it. Like who wants cops in their relationship? I mean, maybe in a fund kind of way, but like in general, nobody wants to be the cop in a relationship. And so this is where if you discover an agreement isn't working for the people in it, that the agreement might need to change. And I really feel strongly about this, that agreements cannot be sacrosanct. And I understand some people build their commitments to each other on the agreements that are made. Like an example would be monogamy. I make the agreement to be monogamous with you. You change that agreement, I don't wanna be in their relationship with you anymore.
And that's, that's valid and agreements need to be able to change without that person being this betrayer of the other person. Like if that agreement really just isn't working for them, then it may need to change. And we might make agreements without realizing that they aren't gonna work for us because the reality is that men need scientific studies have found that humans are actually pretty terrible at predicting how they will feel about things that they haven't actually experienced yet. And so if you're new to nonmonogamy, you may make some agreements around how it will work that then you, you realize in the moment isn't, isn't actually, you may say yes to it, you know, and, and it may not actually work. And so it's vital to any relationship that it be okay to bring up an agreement that isn't working and say, Hey, you know, I said yes to this agreement, but when I really was in the moment and exploring it, it I'm finding that it really doesn't work for me and, and here's why it doesn't work for me.
Here's what I'm running into. And then the next step would be to negotiate something new that can work better. Here's a tip though. If you discover in a particular moment that you are facing that the agreement that you made doesn't work for you, please do your best to hold the agreement in that moment and then renegotiate it afterwards. So an example would be if you agree that you're not gonna have any kind of sexual contact on a first date with someone, like you've made that agreement with a partner and then the moment comes and you're on the date and everything is getting super hot and heavy and all of a sudden you're like, Oh man, no, I really wanna have sex with this person on this date and I can't believe that I agreed that I wouldn't, My recommendation is to catalog that you really wanted to say, Hey, I made an agreement with myself and with my partner that I wasn't going to do this.
I'm seeing that that was not a good agreement for me to have made, but I need to abide by it and I can't wait to talk to them about it and adjust that agreement. And the reason to do that is because it can just feel really to be shitty relying on someone to keep an agreement and have that be your sense of safety and then have someone break that agreement just because in the moment you didn't want to, it can really feel like you were choosing immediate gratification or choosing not to control your impulses over maintaining trust and security in that relationship. And again, like I said before, don't make agreements that you know, you can't keep, but sometimes you make an agreement and you don't know that you couldn't keep it. And so be honest about that and then adjust the agreement.
But I'll also say that keeping agreements can't be the only proof that you can trust your partner because it, it really is also real that sometimes you find yourself in this situation where you just actually can't keep an agreement. Like an example might be, you know, I'm only gonna be away on this date for two hours and my partner is counting on me to be gone for two hours. Well, I radically miscalculated the time that I would actually wanna be spending with this person and there's no way for that date to actually have been just two hours and I just couldn't wrap it up in the time I promised. You know, the ideal thing in that case is as soon as you can notify your partner. So if you are getting to that two hour mark and you're realizing the date isn't wrapping up, I would, you know, just send a text to your partner saying, Hey, this date is gonna go longer than I expected and then be accountable.
Hey, I said that I was only gonna be gone two hours and I wasn't. And you know, don't make them bring that up or hold you accountable or chase you down like own that you said one thing and did another and make room for whatever feelings might come up. Let them be disappointed or unhappy and hold firm that you probably also need to change the agreement so that it actually works in the future. So to recap, agreements are one tool of many that can make up the structure and shape of your relationship, like all tools that has particular uses, but also some limitations. And it's important to use it properly and not rely on it to do everything for you. Agreements can be great for clarifying expectations and can be excellent support for considering and accommodating one another and creating security and trust and respect in a relationship. But make sure that when you agree to something, it's coming from an authentic place and be willing and open to changing agreements as needed.
